Good News, Breakthroughs & TLCs

[wendydarling]

Thanks for your good wishes Lollipop and kind words! Wow, I'm delighted to hear of your latest breakthrough conversation with your son. That sounds a significant conversation for sure -  trust, honesty, and sharing a realistic goal together. Girlfriend and possible job ... .son's had a busy week!  Heart warming all round   WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[landslide]

A TLC from yesterday/today.  My 16 y.o. daughter has been out of control and running off.  Last night, I knew more trouble was brewing between her and this boy she has a terrible relationship with.  I just commented that she looked sad, and she opened up a little about their troubles, which was nice.  Sadly, within a half hour after our talk she ran off again- I came into her room to find the window open and her gone, but this time she left a note saying she went out with friends "not to freak out and I love you."  Needless to say, I still freaked out since I had no idea where she was.  Called the police, spent several hours tracking her down through Facebook, texting friends and friends' parents.  I found her this time and she did come home.  I said very little when she got back.  This morning, I dreaded her waking up, but the very first thing she did was to apologize.  I told her that I accepted and appreciated her apology.  I told her the behavior was unacceptable and that leaving a note was better than not.  I told her that I knew it wasn't about me and that she was trying to escape the problems with the boy. Although she has still had some outbursts of getting really irritable and shouting/swearing, she has been in a better mood today.  She is doing a beautiful job working on a project for a class she is failing, trying to catch up.  She is spending time with her little brother and being nice to him.  Maybe the medication change is helping.   I also feel like we both handled the situation more effectively than in times past.  This website is helping me, being open with my friends is helping and knowing I'm going back to therapy and that we're on the wait list for intensive in-home therapy is helping.  We have a long road ahead of us, but it's the first hopeful day we've had in a month.  I'll take it!         

[lbjnltx]

So good to hear that you are not personalizing your d's behaviors of last night.

So good to hear you acknowledge sometimes things are good.

So good to hear you have something to hold onto for a better future.

So good to hear that your family is benefitting from healthier communication.

Just so good!

[Lollypop]

I didn't validate as I should have and also made a suggestion during a conversation with BPDs25 yesterday.

I'm reading "I don't have to... ." And decided to try again.

Spoke with Bpds and managed to provide validation in a natural way despite it being later ... .I ended with "what have you decided to do about it?" And he replied!

My H is always negative and it's getting me down. This morning I told him off for making yet another sarcastic and negative comment. I realised afterwards that I need to validate him too, this is a revelation to me!  I apologised when he got back home and gave him a hug, said its ok you'll find you're able to change too, he cried. So sad but I've made progress in my understanding.

Validate, validate, validate, listen!

And I got partial rent payment with the rest to follow later without any problems at all.

I laugh at the word "partial" 

[lbjnltx]

Gotta love the "do over" lollypop.

[Rockieplace]

Yes - I'm learning too.  I phoned one of my best friends back and did a 'do over'.  I sat thinking about how I'd done a 'Pollyanna' on her earlier and tried the positive suggestions far too much and too soon.  The listen, listen, understand, validate and validate again works in so many areas. My husband is looking quite nervous!   

[qcarolr]

Validate, validate, validate, listen.  Reading this in the past couple posts reminds me how I spoke this in my mind so many times in the past few years. I realize that all that practice may be working. Validation is simply a part of how I respond to so many things now without having to chant the phrases in my mind first!  Seems to be taking the longest to get it 'right' with my dh. This closest relationship is the most defended and the hardest to validate. Maybe I expect to get my dose of validation from dh too.

qcr Carol

[landslide]

Got my daughter set up with eating disorder treatment, in-home crisis stabilization, with back up plan for intensive outpatient.  She will be getting some trauma-informed therapy, which is something she hasn't had.  And she likes her new therapists     

She sang in a choir concert the other night at our church.  Even though so much of the time she acts like she hates and wants nothing to do with me, she kept looking at me to make sure I was watching her.  Then they have a tradition of grabbing kids from the audience to sing with them for the last song, but she pulled me up there to sing with her instead!  Have to remember there is still love underneath all the BPD symptoms.  She's still in there, underneath.     

[lbjnltx]

That is so sweet landslide, it brought tears to my eyes.  Your precious d is in there and she needs you to be the most affective parent you can be for her.

[qcarolr]

She will be getting some trauma-informed therapy, which is something she hasn't had.  And she likes her new therapists          

landslide - trauma-informed therapy has been very healing with both my DD30 and my gd10. We all have suffered wounds and this can be beneficial to each of us. My dh is even picking up an awareness, though he is so resistive to new perspectives.

qcr Carol

[landslide]

Qcarolr, Thank you for letting me know trauma-informed therapy was helpful for your family members, that gives me hope (and I need every bit I can get these days)! 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ShiningStar]

Sharing good news I got today. My 19 yr old daughter who has been living in another state, 12 hour drive, has decided to come home! She called today to tell me that Ibwas right and she should come home. I visited her a few weeks ago as she has not been working and can't go out to by groceries alone and was feeling like she couldn't ask her friends anymore. She was depressed, worried about having food in the house, needed to do laundry, etc. on my visit I kept her company and quietly assessed her situation while validating what she was feeling. She did her laundry while I was there and we went out each day to take care of some of the things she needed to do. I am proud of myself for not just taking over and fixing everything the way I thought it should be done. I let her call the shots. It was good for building trust. And I think it helped with her decision to come home. We have some things to figure out, but it feels good that it is her idea. No one is forcing her or even giving her an ultimatum. She is seeing that she can't keep going on the way she is. And I'm not sure, but I think she is ready to start looking into therapy. One step at a time. It is such a relief to be preparing for her homecoming.

[lbjnltx]

Good news that your d realized on her own that she isn't thriving and needs support from her family.

Keep posting and reading here ShiningStar as we want to support you and share any helpful info we can to help you and help you help your daughter.

lbj

[ShiningStar]

Thank you lbj.

Today we settled on dates for her move. She seems to be handling it all very well. I am learning a lot here about validating her feelings and experiences. I have done a lot of that before and am learning how to be better at listening without trying to say how I relate. Because I don't necessarily relate. I can hear what she is saying. And in doing that and acknowledging her, she began to see how she was contradicting herself. And it seems to be helping her to trust me and to see how she can make choices. I am choosing to see her thriving and feeling safe and happy. Truly feeling happy. I am so grateful for this forum. I am excited about learning more. So much information here. So little time.

[Lollypop]

Hi

A second debt follow up letter arrived this week. We spoke with BPDs25 explaining the debt collection process and that we thought this was a last ditch effort by the agency to get their money. We had a grownup conversation and Bpds agreed that he'd learnt his lesson and hadn't borrowed any money for over 5 years. Husband validated reasonably well and we gave our Bpds his post.

Two days later and I discovered Bpds has opened it. This is new behaviour! Normally it would be left lying around unopened. This shows me that Bpds felt emotionally strong enough to read the letter or was perhaps curious to want to confirm the contents.

A very small step, but a step in the right direction.

Bpds has said that he wants to go on holiday with us for two weeks. This will be the first time in 10 years that we will have a family holiday as he's never wanted to go. I always thought he didn't want to be with us. I'm relieved as Bpds always goes downwards when we are away on holiday. i now realise that he desperately wanted to be with us but couldn't because of his addictions.  I'm hoping that my three men can bond a little and start to rebuild a better relationship.  It's a big holiday of a lifetime so it's no wonder he wanted to go but Perhaps another sign of maturing and definitely he feels comfortable and safe with us to want to go.

All is calm.

L

[lbjnltx]

Wonderful news Lollypop!  You have worked hard on improving your relationship with your son and it is paying off in many ways.

[Lollypop]

Hi

Recent positive developments. Bpds25 goes through his old stuff in the loft with GF. He was looking for old posters to put up in his room. He asked me if this was ok, he felt the room he's in a bit characterless.

Bpds has only ever looked at his childhood photos about three times since he was about 10. Hes always found them painful to see. He's been through them all and put some up, including one of him with his younger brother and one of him with his dad. It's heart warming to see this random collection.

He found his guitar and amp. Haven't been played since he was 17. Drugs took their toll and all previous interests and hobbies disappeared. Bpds Has moved them down to his room and says he's going to play again.

Psychologically there's something going on here. I can't explain it but the three of us popped our heads in and said the same thing "this is a good sign".

I kept my mouth shut when I wanted to say "yeah this is great but you do know this is only temporary because you will be moving out at some point". I didn't. I chose to enjoy the moment as our eldest son starts to understand the importance of environment.

Rent is being paid on time without me asking.

[lbjnltx]

Your son is rewriting in his mind what his relationships are like, he is feeling the love!

Whoop whoop... .I'm doin the happy dance for you all.

[wendydarling]

Magic moments Lollypop, I too am feeling the love and touched by all your hard work, it rubs off further than you may imagine   

[wendydarling]

My 27yr old daughter received a tiny hand written card, bright pink envelope today from a Canadian pen pal/internet friend she has corresponded with for well over a decade.

Her friend shared she was no longer BPD after three years of DBT and wished my daughter well.

Hands across the ocean x

WDx 

[Lollypop]

Hi

Having had a fabulous holiday with plenty of time doing a mixture of things, sharing laughs and exciting times too my family has bonded. It was much needed and worth every penny.

Younger son said "I feel like I've got a brother". H is getting on so much better with both of them and they have more respect for him (afterall he's the one who has to do a job he hates to keep us fed and watered). We didn't react when BPDs got irritated or anxious - happened three times. We got through them great.

Bpds has now got some immediate short term goals. He achieved his first one yesterday and that was to invest his earnings into a new pair of expensive tree surgeon boots. Next week is new safety trousers and hat. Following three weeks is to save for a further training course. He then has other hopes and plans.

He's doing brilliantly with his money. Whilst there's a lot of goals they are all realistic.

Feeling happy that my family is happy.

I feel a better parents so this makes me happy too.

I've lived for very many years feeling like a failure, I always seemed to get it wrong but now I know a better way. It's just lovely to have my sons at ease at this point.

We are all trying our best, we can all try a little harder. I say this a lot

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

So wonderful Lollypop.

I hope that this attitude of ease and acceptance continues at home and your family continues to thrive.

lbj

[wendydarling]

Hey Lollypop, thanks for sharing, that's fantastic news I am delighted for you and your family   

So glad you found a 'better way' as you say and happiness you deserve. 

[bpdmom1]

I came back again to this site to get comfort from some behaviors from my BPD d that concern me.  Instead I would rather post a TLC that my d finished one of her online classes.

[lbjnltx]

Awesome news BPDmom1!  So happy to hear that your d is applying herself.

Praying that she continues to do so and finishes all of her classes up.

[wendydarling]

Nice one BPDmom1... .hope this gives her confidence she can do it 

[wendydarling]

Following on from my thread earlier this summer, called crisis prevention ... .since re-introducing anti depressants end of July time the debilitating depression 28yr daughter battled against earlier in the summer is under control. So has her heightened anxiety around the fear of depression ... .subsided. Very proud she has been able to manage herself this through in every sense, she did it all (I listened, empathised and validated). We are in a better place today. 

Last week she homed a 5 week old rescue kitten she has named Hope who brings much joy and comfort, self soothing ... .and full responsibility to her. 

 

[livednlearned]

Nice update from radioguitarguy on his son's dual diagnosis recovery here.

 

[wendydarling]

 Radioguitarguy, may you have many good days ahead, thank you for sharing 

[Lollypop]

Last week my BPDs was having a hard time and he text me asking if he could speak privately to me. I sat listened, empathised and validated as he opened up telling me all about how he was feeling, struggles with friends and GF.  There was a celebratory weekend planned with all his friends and he made a wise mind decision not to go. He found it difficult to deal with his "friends" criticism as they just couldn't understand him when he told them "I'm not well enough for this, I don't feel well." I used the opportunity to encourage a step towards treatment, he promised he'd at least think about it.

I thought he might change his mind to go away at the weekend at the last minute but he held fast and he didn't go. Hallelujah! First wise mind decision I've ever known him to make.

Today he sat down with both me and H proudly saying how much money he's saved and what his short term plans are. He was happy and relaxed.

It warms my heart and today, it'll do me just fine.