Maybe an odd question to ask...

[houseofswans]

Hello again, all... .

Yes, I'm still thinking about my ex  :'(  I'm trying so hard to let go (see other posts).

There's a part of me that wants to wish her love and best wishes in her new relationship. But because of the way we broke up without proper closure, another part of me wishes that the relationship will fail.

The important thing is this - whilst we were together, I lavished attention, praise and gifts on her. I was forever telling her how wonderful and special she was. The rescuer in me returned after our many splits, and I continued to shower her with the above praise, etc. But the one thing that I was never able to do for her was drive her around to events, concerts, meals out in the city, etc. We always used public transport, and if it was raining or otherwise inclement weather, she wasn't at all happy. Basically, she doesn't like walking anywhere if there's an alternative like a car or taxi.

So, her new love arrives (by chance they met whilst she was out canvassing), offers her money for her research and, crucially, has a car.

Ding! Instant attraction.

I play out scenarios in my head where they are all loved-up, and she's nice and warm in a car with 'him' only too happy to ferry her here and there and go places that would have been difficult (if not impossible) whilst she was with me.

Now, on to the point of this rant, and to why I think it maybe an odd question to ask:

Could her BPD be restrained in some way, by acting differently to him as she did to me - almost 'forcing' herself to keep in his good books?

I must stress the importance of a man in her life with a car - to her, that would be soo good!

Or because of her condition, would it matter if she was being kept by a millionaire who drove a gold-plated rolls-royce - is the outcome still the same with him as it was with me? (and that's the part of me that wishes the relationship to fail) 

Thank you

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, HOS, I am unclear why you are bending over backwards to come up with justifications why your Ex is with the new guy (he has a car, she is keeping her BPD in check, etc.).  Reading between the lines, it seems that what you really want is to get back together with her.  If so, maybe this is not the right board for you at this stage, and perhaps you will find more kindred spirits over on the Undecided Board?  Something to think about.  Lucky Jim

[houseofswans]

Hi Lucky Jim,

Thanks for your comment.

I don't know what I want and even if I'm on the right board. I'm just confused.

Right now, I'd have her back in a heartbeat. Last night, I never wanted to see her again.

I try and tell myself that to re-visit the pain of the relationship is so not the right thing to do.

And so it goes... .

The thing is that I've never had the experience of a BPD relationship before and am struggling to come to terms with all the implications that entailed.

It would make things easier if I knew that despite all that the new man brings to the table, that if the relationship was to flounder just like it did between us, then it would at least give me peace of mind that the cycle will continue ad infinitum... .

Does that make sense?

[Jbt857]

The only thing that will either prove or disprove it is time.

If you can use that time to be NC and work on you, then it will become less important. It's like quitting smoking. When you first stop, it's all you think about, going from wanting or needing a cigarette, to resolving to stay strong. Then it gets easier. Then, out of the blue, something could happen to cause it to feel like you only just stopped. But the feeling passes, and the gap between those cravings widens and widens.

For now, tell yourself that her new relationship will probably fail. Because it most likely will. But in the meantime, give it time and use that time wisely.

[Lucky Jim]

Right now, I'd have her back in a heartbeat. Last night, I never wanted to see her again.

HOS, You do sound confused.  My suggestion: sit with your feelings and listen to your gut instinct.  What difference does it make whether your Ex's new relationship works out or not?  I suggest that it makes no difference, but I'm not in your shoes.  Are you thinking that if she dumps the new guy she will return to you?  This may be unrealistic.  Thank about it!  Lucky Jim

[houseofswans]

perhaps you will find more kindred spirits over on the Undecided Board? 

I've posted this on the undecided board, but as I'm neither in or thinking about leaving from the relationship, I thought it better here  

[Lucky Jim]

Maybe you are in the right place.  I'm trying to get you to explore what it is that you want, because it seems like you're fumbling around at the moment.  As a general matter, those on this board will probably agree that you are far better off out of a BPD r/s, though we all appreciate how hard it is to make that break.  If you need support for staying away, you have come to the right place.  On the other hand, if you feel the need to recycle, many of us have done that, too!  (Including me).  Lucky Jim

[Learning_curve74]

Now, on to the point of this rant, and to why I think it maybe an odd question to ask:

Could her BPD be restrained in some way, by acting differently to him as she did to me - almost 'forcing' herself to keep in his good books?

NO.

Well, maybe that was hasty, let me think about it again... .I think I changed my mind and the answer is NO! The difference in this answer is the added exclamation point.  

A mental illness with roots in lack of identity, attachment, and intimacy issues is not magically solved by meeting a partner with money.

Her illness is a learned and lifelong pattern of disordered thinking and dysfunctional behaviors. She is not going to be magically cured anymore than I can suddenly become left handed because I would like to.

If you need a case study, my exBPDgf's previous exes before me were all considerably much better off financially than I am, and being financially secure is very important to her. Although I am an awesome person who is very caring, I don't have much to offer in the money department, just that I have enough to be happy in the lifestyle I would want to share with a partner. So some people might consider me a "step down" for her. But she still messed up those guys before me and screwed them up badly... .

A big question to you: Are you blaming yourself here? Do you feel deficient, not measuring up, and not worthy simply because you don't own a car? Are you letting your own self-worth being measured by what value she finds in you? If our value is only measured in the eyes of others, then what value do we have when we are alone?

[Ironmanrises]

Hello again, all... .

Yes, I'm still thinking about my ex  :'(  I'm trying so hard to let go (see other posts).

There's a part of me that wants to wish her love and best wishes in her new relationship. But because of the way we broke up without proper closure, another part of me wishes that the relationship will fail.

The important thing is this - whilst we were together, I lavished attention, praise and gifts on her. I was forever telling her how wonderful and special she was. The rescuer in me returned after our many splits, and I continued to shower her with the above praise, etc. But the one thing that I was never able to do for her was drive her around to events, concerts, meals out in the city, etc. We always used public transport, and if it was raining or otherwise inclement weather, she wasn't at all happy. Basically, she doesn't like walking anywhere if there's an alternative like a car or taxi.

So, her new love arrives (by chance they met whilst she was out canvassing), offers her money for her research and, crucially, has a car.

Ding! Instant attraction.

I play out scenarios in my head where they are all loved-up, and she's nice and warm in a car with 'him' only too happy to ferry her here and there and go places that would have been difficult (if not impossible) whilst she was with me.

Now, on to the point of this rant, and to why I think it maybe an odd question to ask:

Could her BPD be restrained in some way, by acting differently to him as she did to me - almost 'forcing' herself to keep in his good books?

I must stress the importance of a man in her life with a car - to her, that would be soo good!

Or because of her condition, would it matter if she was being kept by a millionaire who drove a gold-plated rolls-royce - is the outcome still the same with him as it was with me? (and that's the part of me that wishes the relationship to fail) 

Thank you

In bold.

Yes.

The disorder does not go away.

She will do to him what she did to you.

The time frame of that... .?

However long it takes for him to trigger her.

But rest assured... .

That will happen.

It is a pattern of behavior.

Hang in there.

I know it hurts.

[turtle]

I must stress the importance of a man in her life with a car - to her, that would be soo good!

houseofswans --- So... .let me get this straight.  One of the most important things in her life is someone with a car? 

That is so pitiful.  Really.  Pitiful.

It's time for you to set your sights higher.  Do you really want to invest your time, energy, and emotions in someone who is so shallow? If someone leaves you because another person has a car, you need to raise the bar ---- and raise it A LOT!  If a car is so important to her, she should get her own car.  Any adult woman can work to get a car on her OWN!  Do you want to be with someone that can't/won't do something that is so very basic for themselves? 

Could her BPD be restrained in some way, by acting differently to him as she did to me - almost 'forcing' herself to keep in his good books?

Anything is possible, but it's highly unlikely. If the millionaire wants a mindless, shell of a person who is a mooch, it might work out for awhile.     But... .it won't be without drama... .you can count on that.  And... .there are lots of people who won't put up drama - I'm certainly in that camp now.

turtle

[houseofswans]

Thanks people 

You've made me feel a lot better about myself and perceived shortcomings.

@turtle - she's self-employed and hardly earns anything, so she couldn't afford to run a car, let alone have the wherewithal to buy one (even second hand). I'm not making excuses for her, it just happens to be the truth.

@Ironmanfalls - your posts are very reinforcing

@learning-curve74 - your first sentence made me smile. And I liked very much to see NO!

@Lucky Jim - yes, I'm fumbling... .And I've also recycled - lots of times, and I tell myself that it didn't work out the last time, so why would it be different in the future.

The rescuer/fixer in me would want to try again, because I'd be armed with knowledge of her BPD. But would that help? At this moment I feel like I would rather be with her in a dysfunctional relationship than suffer the pain and torment of being apart from her (is that really how I feel? Yes. Is that rational? No. And yes, that says a lot about me!

And when I re-read the last paragraph, it makes no sense to my self-esteem, sanity or dignity.

I like to post about my hopes and fears, because all your insights help.

What I'm hoping to find is the killer insight that will finally make up my mind to remain NC 

[turtle]

@turtle - she's self-employed and hardly earns anything, so she couldn't afford to run a car, let alone have the wherewithal to buy one (even second hand). I'm not making excuses for her, it just happens to be the truth.

What I'm hoping to find is the killer insight that will finally make up my mind to remain NC 

I don't doubt that it's the truth.  It just struck me that it seems very shallow. And... .it struck a chord in me because of the moochers that have been in my own world.  People who claim they want certain things - or a certain life style - yet they do NOTHING to create that.  They want, and EXPECT, someone else to provide it for them.  That just irritates me!

That would be enough killer insight for me!  But that's just me.  We have all had to find our own killer insight.  More often than not, the killer insight is right in front of our noses, blatant as day... .yet we don't see.

turtle