A stupid email after 4.5 months - shaking

[mango_flower]

Urgh.

Just got home after a lovely evening playing sport with some great people.

Checked facebook.

I had a message from the ex-BPD.  I haven't "read" it, as it went to my email.  So she won't know I've seen it.

All it said was "Just so you know, I miss you sometimes and hope you're ok x". 

That was all. Now, I have heard NOTHING from her in 4.5 months, after 3 completely contradictory emails (one nasty and accusing, one sweet, and one guilt inducing).  I ignored all 3 and she seemed to get the hint. 

I'm physically shaking, feel like throwing up

Why does she still have this power over me?

I'm not replying, that I know.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting this.

I guess because I'm frustrated.

I want other people to say "I understand, and it'll be ok".

That girl was the love of my life.  I would have died for her.  Then she swanned off with her new gf, and they're planning their wedding.

I don't know why she reached out to say hi.

Maybe her life is frickin' dandy and perfect, maybe she has everything she ever wanted and maybe she realised she hurt me, maybe she has grown up, maybe she's all settled and lovely now, and wants to "make peace" with her past.  That somehow feels even more insulting!

I don't know. 

All I do know is, I thought I was over her, and I guess I am, but she still has the power to make me a shaking, quivering wreck.

But I still can't help but love her.

Yuck.

[Siamese Rescue]

If I had to guess, knowing what I've learned through all the craziness I've lived through and am still living through?  I would bet that the mate she has agreed to marry has probably become routine and available in such a way that it's boring to her. I have no basis to make this claim but I'm learning that some of these people seem to be intoxicated with the chase and the conquer and they love to test to see if you're still willing to jump on the hook.

Please, learn from my mistake, and don't reply. I wish I hadn't a few months ago.

[numb_buddha]

If I had to guess, knowing what I've learned through all the craziness I've lived through and am still living through?  I would bet that the mate she has agreed to marry has probably become routine and available in such a way that it's boring to her. I have no basis to make this claim but I'm learning that some of these people seem to be intoxicated with the chase and the conquer and they love to test to see if you're still willing to jump on the hook.

Please, learn from my mistake, and don't reply. I wish I hadn't a few months ago.

I think that's the truth of it. They want to make sure they can get a rise out of you, that they can still have you. And yes, the closer you get, the more emotionally and physically available you become, the worse it gets. The more actively they withdraw.

[fromheeltoheal]

She can miss you sometimes and hope you're OK without the need to tell you about it.  The "Just so you know" part smells of fishing to me, remembering that BPD is a shame-based disorder, and if she hurt you on some level she knows it, and may fear you hate her, the ultimate abandonment, which is the ultimate injury to a BPD.  A nonthinking response might be "I miss you sometimes too and hope you're OK" which would be validation that she's not an evil monster, maybe what she was looking for.

Or maybe she's just feeling unsoothed in her current situation, abandonment fears, jealousy, dysregulation, the normal BPD drill, and you showed up on her radar as a possible soothe mechanism, simple as that.

Sorry it shook you up; I got one after 7 months that shook me too, shouldn't have read it, but I did.  These types of things are a good check-up as to how well we're doing in our own healing though; think of the day we get one and it doesn't phase us at all and is no more than amusing or slightly interesting.  Stay strong and stay here.

[GreenMango]

I don't believe a person who's dandy and happy in their life will be sending out emails to their ex that range from hostile to "miss you".

just saying - it isn't the sign of a dandy person.  We can call it all kinds of things but perfect it ain't.

Unsettling to be on the receiving end? Definitely.  Heel makes a good point point they are a gauge on healing - she's showing you what you need to work on next.

Can you write out why you think shes the love of your life and include these recent actions?  Sometimes our mind can play tricks on us.

What are your options - in response to this?  

[mango_flower]

Thanks guys - I have stopped shaking now and strengthened my resolve

Mango - my response is going to be nothing.  Absolutely nothing. I'll leave the email sitting there pending, unread.  She'll never know whether I got it and read it, or if it went to my facebook spam folder

Going to distract myself with a good book.

[Jbt857]

Good for you! I know these days when my ex contacts me online it's like my computer just reached 1000 degrees - I literally leap away from it like I got burned. Guess I did, metaphorically.

Can you not block her on fb?

Might be easier.

[myself]

I've had those fishing emails too. I know that's what they were because I read them. Wondering what angle she was coming from each time. Guess what? She was always coming from HER angle, which was disordered. Being caught up in the patterns going on, I saw it coming. Being caught up in the patterns, though, I let it happen again and again. I played right into it. Because I was fishing too. I was hoping she was still as hooked as I was. Some of her emails/letters/texts were very hurtful, even though I could see through the projection of blame pain and shame that is typical of these situations. When someone has been so close with you (although that's questionable how far that really goes), they know where your buttons are and how hard and when to push them. Taking ourselves out of the picture, by not reading or responding to the attempts, helps us find our balance so we're better able to move on. Wondering how that affects them keeps us looking backwards, instead of pushing ourselves forwards into healthier lives.

[mango_flower]

You're right, I could block her... .my reasons for not doing so are mainly because I don't want her to think she has gotten to me... .I want her to feel like I don't really care either way. If I block her, it shows anger/annoyance or at least that I care, and I don't want to give her that power.  That's my weird logic anyway! x

P.S  Thank you Jbt857 x

[Jbt857]

You're right, I could block her... .my reasons for not doing so are mainly because I don't want her to think she has gotten to me... .I want her to feel like I don't really care either way. If I block her, it shows anger/annoyance or at least that I care, and I don't want to give her that power.  That's my weird logic anyway! x

P.S  Thank you Jbt857 x

Maybe it just shows that she has no significance in your life any more and that you're no longer interested?

Just a thought... .Xx

[eyvindr]

mango_flower --

Good job on keeping NC.

You're right, I could block her... .my reasons for not doing so are mainly because I don't want her to think she has gotten to me... .I want her to feel like I don't really care either way. If I block her, it shows anger/annoyance or at least that I care, and I don't want to give her that power.  That's my weird logic anyway! x

I follow your thinking here. That said, remember -- NC and it's related tools are for us, not them. Who cares how the ex interprets it? Do what helps you, either way.

And GreenMango (just realized we're having like a meeting of the mangos here... .) --

Can you write out why you think shes the love of your life and include these recent actions?  Sometimes our mind can play tricks on us.

You are the Jedi master!

[SeekerofTruth]

Good posts.  Speaking of stupid emails, I have been struggling mightily today to not send out a last farewell email that really is not free from from a resentful rant in an FU from.  While those feelings linger, i've gotten some fresh air, and talked thru on urges with a trusted and wise friend who told me think about it.

Then i read your post, about the email out of the blue 4.5 months later.  And admire your NC adherenc while very much appreciating your visceral response of shaking and wondering about the power they seek to exert over us. Obviously i'm in the same boat, maybe a few paddles short in fact.  I love these "more information" links at the top of the page.  This one makes sense:

  Think About It... .A person with Borderline Personality Disorder often presents with a characteristic relationship pattern over time. This pattern usually evolves through three stages: The Vulnerable Seducer, The Clinger, and The Hater. This evolution may take months, and sometimes even years to cycle through. In the later periods, the personality often swings back and forth from one phase to the next. ~ Roger Melton, M.A...

  In the later periods the phases more often swing back and forth.  Its kinda of cool seeing it others and then being able to spot more easily within my own dynamics in order to exercise more rational and wiser control versus stepping into the vortex via our own complicity.  I am able to see that a little more dispassionately now.  So thanks.

And this is priceless, because i was fishing too.  I was hoping she was  still as hooked as I was.

  I've had those fishing emails too. I know that's what they were because I read them. Wondering what angle she was coming from each time. Guess what? She was always coming from HER angle, which was disordered. Being caught up in the patterns going on, I saw it coming. Being caught up in the patterns, though, I let it happen again and again. I played right into it. Because I was fishing too. I was hoping she was still as hooked as I was. Some of her emails/letters/texts were very hurtful, even though I could see through the projection of blame pain and shame that is typical of these situations. When someone has been so close with you (although that's questionable how far that really goes), they know where your buttons are and how hard and when to push them. Taking ourselves out of the picture, by not reading or responding to the attempts, helps us find our balance so we're better able to move on. Wondering how that affects them keeps us looking backwards, instead of pushing ourselves forwards into healthier lives.

[UmbrellaBoy]

This is just the sort of "breadcrumb" or "fishing" message I fear to get someday.

It would be one thing if they came back saying "Okay, I am in love with you, want to be with you, will get therapy, will do whatever you say." You still can't trust them, but at least it gives you leverage, puts you in the position of power and them in the position of the beggar.

But with something fishy like this... .they maintain their plausible deniability. Very probably she is looking to re-engage, whether for validation or soothing or to feel her way towards a full-blown recycle. But when they don't say what they want outright, you get your hopes and expectations up, maybe, but then they've still kept their cards close to their chest and so you are at an information disadvantage, they can use your curiosity about their motives to play it however they want, it gives them the power, and they can feel you out without having to reveal anything or sacrifice any of their chips.

I need to get to the place where if I get a message like you describe again I am strong enough to say, "What the hell is this? Either say what you want straightforward or don't say anything at all. No being coy. No games. Come back to me when you're ready to put everything on the table." Of course, then they are prepared to say, "You're paranoid! I don't want anything beyond what I said! [But, ha! This reaction proves you still want me!]" which is a total lie, of course, they do want more, maybe... .but it's the advantage they get by maintaining plausible deniability about their motives this way, even when you both know it isn't true and of course there is "something more" behind the message.

Last recycle I explained to my ex what "breadcrumbs" meant and told him no more, and when he dumped me again I told him "Ok, but if you want to come back this time, no breadcrumbs. It's all or nothing. I want commitments and if you can't offer that, I don't want to hear from you at all." So we'll see.

[HarmKrakow]

I don't believe a person who's dandy and happy in their life will be sending out emails to their ex that range from hostile to "miss you".

just saying - it isn't the sign of a dandy person.  We can call it all kinds of things but perfect it ain't.

Unsettling to be on the receiving end? Definitely.  Heel makes a good point point they are a gauge on healing - she's showing you what you need to work on next.

Can you write out why you think shes the love of your life and include these recent actions?  Sometimes our mind can play tricks on us.

What are your options - in response to this?  

Couldn't be more the truth.

[mango_flower]

For some reason it's giving me an error message when trying to quote directly- but this bit below I just found perfect: 

But with something fishy like this... .they maintain their plausible deniability. Very probably she is looking to re-engage, whether for validation or soothing or to feel her way towards a full-blown recycle. But when they don't say what they want outright, you get your hopes and expectations up, maybe, but then they've still kept their cards close to their chest and so you are at an information disadvantage, they can use your curiosity about their motives to play it however they want, it gives them the power, and they can feel you out without having to reveal anything or sacrifice any of their chips.

I just wanted to scream "Yes! That's exactly it!"   So thank you for putting into words what I couldn't quite verbalise.

I'm feeling a bit better today.

Going to move on and forget it and just hope it was a blip!

[Jbt857]

It's been a while since I had any significant dealing with my ex, and I'd never really thought of it that way, but yes, they absolutely thrive on that information imbalance.

Food for thought -  thank you.

[hopealways]

This is just the sort of "breadcrumb" or "fishing" message I fear to get someday.

It would be one thing if they came back saying "Okay, I am in love with you, want to be with you, will get therapy, will do whatever you say." You still can't trust them, but at least it gives you leverage, puts you in the position of power and them in the position of the beggar.

But with something fishy like this... .they maintain their plausible deniability. Very probably she is looking to re-engage, whether for validation or soothing or to feel her way towards a full-blown recycle. But when they don't say what they want outright, you get your hopes and expectations up, maybe, but then they've still kept their cards close to their chest and so you are at an information disadvantage, they can use your curiosity about their motives to play it however they want, it gives them the power, and they can feel you out without having to reveal anything or sacrifice any of their chips.

I need to get to the place where if I get a message like you describe again I am strong enough to say, "What the hell is this? Either say what you want straightforward or don't say anything at all. No being coy. No games. Come back to me when you're ready to put everything on the table." Of course, then they are prepared to say, "You're paranoid! I don't want anything beyond what I said! [But, ha! This reaction proves you still want me!]" which is a total lie, of course, they do want more, maybe... .but it's the advantage they get by maintaining plausible deniability about their motives this way, even when you both know it isn't true and of course there is "something more" behind the message.

Last recycle I explained to my ex what "breadcrumbs" meant and told him no more, and when he dumped me again I told him "Ok, but if you want to come back this time, no breadcrumbs. It's all or nothing. I want commitments and if you can't offer that, I don't want to hear from you at all." So we'll see.

Mango, keep up the NC and bravo to you. Don't let the shaking make you feel like you have not healed. You have healed and will continue to heal.  I have received the same message in the past and made the mistake of responding just to be devalued.  The above quote is right on. BPD always phish - since they have no remorse you will never hear them say "I messed up, I will do  X Y and Z to fix things, I love you, I know I have issues AND I will do whatever it takes to fix them." That is how you start to get someone back, especially someone who you have hurt so much with your personality disorder. Your ex's message was nothing more that a search for you to validate her. Remember, BPD can never care about you more than themselves, and we all know they don't care about themselves much either.

[Emelie Emelie]

Kind of what happened to me.  We texted/talked from time to time but then came the "I miss you."  It all got harder after that.

[SeekerofTruth]

BPD always phish - since they have no remorse you will never hear them say "I messed up, I will do  X Y and Z to fix things, I love you, I know I have issues AND I will do whatever it takes to fix them." That is how you start to get someone back, especially someone who you have hurt so much with your personality disorder.

Sounds logical and obvious enough, therein lies the rub.

[eeyore]

BPD always phish - since they have no remorse you will never hear them say "I messed up, I will do  X Y and Z to fix things, I love you, I know I have issues AND I will do whatever it takes to fix them."

That is how you start to get someone back, especially someone who you have hurt so much with your personality disorder. Your ex's message was nothing more that a search for you to validate her. Remember, BPD can never care about you more than themselves, and we all know they don't care about themselves much either.

Mine tells me he messed up, he will do X,Y,Z to fix things, he loves me and he knows he has issues.  But then he reverts.  Switches 100% the other way.  He can't ever really commit at a marriage level.  And I remember Steph telling me I was like a puppet dangling in the wind.   I have to look at my issues of why I was dangling in the wind. 

[eyvindr]

eeyore --

And also -- remember what it felt like to dangle in the wind? did you enjoy it? would you ever treat your ex that way?

Or did it totally suck?

[eeyore]

eeyore --

And also -- remember what it felt like to dangle in the wind? did you enjoy it? would you ever treat your ex that way?

Or did it totally suck?

Of course not to both questions.  I know why it happened and I've corrected the situation.  I no longer allow myself to dangle in the wind.   oops and it sucks to dangle in the wind.