How do I help my daughter whose BPD dad who has left our home?

[toomanytears]

My daughter (aged 26) has come home for the weekend. This is the first time she's been home since her BPD father left our home two months ago. I hoped that we would be able to give each other comfort and strength. But she seems hostile and distant and wont engage. She's deeply hurt by his actions and behaviour - he refuses to meet her but will text. I've just said I think he's had some kind of breakdown.

We've just had a rather emotional evening. She's trying to be grown up and in control (she's a super- intelligent girl but also a bit highly strung). I'm finding it hard to find the right words to comfort her.Do I tell her I think he has BPD? I feel it's too early to have this kind of conversation... .perhaps just  doing fun stuff is what I should concentrate on.

Also he wants to come home for Christmas - do I let him for her and her brother's (aged 20) sake? I just don't know where I'm going... .

[Emelie Emelie]

I'm sorry - That's a tough situation.  My xHB was Bi-Polar.  My daughter was a lot younger when we split up... .14.  He's been all but vacant from her life since.  I didn't get into the Bi-Polar diagnosis but I did tell her that her Dad wasn't well.  That he just wasn't capable of being the father she deserved right now.  That I knew in his heart he loved her more than anything. It's very painful stuff for a kid... .to be abandoned by a parent.  But she got it.  She had seen the behaviors.  I told her I felt it was still important for her to have the best relationship she could with him.  And I also spent a lot of time reminding her of when things were different.  Pulling out pictures of them together from time to time. Videos.  Also had her in therapy for awhile.  I wanted to make sure she realized this wasn't her fault.  This was about his problems... .not about her.  I did invite him for holidays (with my family) the first year after we split.  A lot of stuff has happened since and I no longer do... .but I think it made the transition easier for her. 

[Surnia]

Hi toomanytears

Perhaps you can make offers and ask her about going out or a walk and talk... .

Could be that she is also hurt bc she is thinking that she did something wrong - so you can validate her and tell her that she is not causing his breakdown.

I would not label him BPD - perhaps mention some problems you are having with him.

About Christmas: Perhaps you can set a time frame, like you need more time to think about it? And I would make sure you know what your children are thinking about it too.