Mystery BPD

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My ex uWAIF gf was such a mystery to me. She lived her life in compartments. I met her only good friend and (her partner in crime) only once in 3 years. Never met her parents. Her parents have never met her friend. She never would meet my kids. She worked for me for 6 years and was as quiet as a mouse. She is 17 years younger than me. She only went on two trips with me ( said she didn't want it to look like she was taking advantage of the situation).

Occasionally she would tell me things about her past but no obvious signs of an illness, just promiscuous which was cool since I had just ended a 14 year marriage to a woman I only thought was crazy. Lol...   I found out that she was a daily pot smoker with her ex.  Found out she was married to her ex (still is). She said he begged her to marry him so he could get citizenship.  Told me how she had a crush on her geeky college professor and let her former boss go down on her on a bet that he couldn't get her off. She was incredible in bed!  I miss that the most. 

She stayed with me (had her own place) when we weren't fighting but never left any of her possessions at my house. She never talked badly about her exes and always talked about how great her ex was (why did she cheat on him and leave him for me if he was so great?).  When she "went out with her friend" I wouldn't hear from her sometimes all weekend. I am sure she was cheating since her friend got naked and used a vibrator in front of me the only time I met her. She also told me that her dad had cheated on her mom several times when she was young and her parents finally divorced after her dad was caught sleeping with her moms sister! 

Some of these things are different than a typical BPD but she definitely displayed enough symptoms that I have no doubt. My therapist was the one who told me about BPD after the r/s had ended. Thank goodness I learned about this because I would probably still be recycling.  I know now that she was sick and she manipulated me into becoming a crumb of what I was.  I could go on but I will stop.

My question is did your BPD display any of the traits that aren't necessarily typical of this illness?

[Waifed]

My ex uWAIF gf was such a mystery to me. She lived her life in compartments. I met her only good friend and (her partner in crime) only once in 3 years. Never met her parents. Her parents have never met her friend. She never would meet my kids. She worked for me for 6 years and was as quiet as a mouse. She is 17 years younger than me. She only went on two trips with me ( said she didn't want it to look like she was taking advantage of the situation).

Occasionally she would tell me things about her past but no obvious signs of an illness, just promiscuous which was cool since I had just ended a 14 year marriage to a woman I only thought was crazy. Lol...   I found out that she was a daily pot smoker with her ex.  Found out she was married to her ex (still is). She said he begged her to marry him so he could get citizenship.  Told me how she had a crush on her geeky college professor and let her former boss go down on her on a bet that he couldn't get her off. She was incredible in bed!  I miss that the most. 

She stayed with me (had her own place) when we weren't fighting but never left any of her possessions at my house. She never talked badly about her exes and always talked about how great her ex was (why did she cheat on him and leave him for me if he was so great?).  When she "went out with her friend" I wouldn't hear from her sometimes all weekend. I am sure she was cheating since her friend got naked and used a vibrator in front of me the only time I met her. She also told me that her dad had cheated on her mom several times when she was young and her parents finally divorced after her dad was caught sleeping with her moms sister! 

Some of these things are different than a typical BPD but she definitely displayed enough symptoms that I have no doubt. My therapist was the one who told me about BPD after the r/s had ended. Thank goodness I learned about this because I would probably still be recycling.  I know now that she was sick and she manipulated me into becoming a crumb of what I was.  I could go on but I will stop.

My question is did your BPD display any of the traits that aren't necessarily typical of this illness?

[Waifed]

Wow, after reading that I was totally nuts for being with her and it took me catching her cheating to finally leave her!

[UmbrellaBoy]

Wow! Yup, totally know what you mean by compartmentalization.

My guy never introduced me to his parents nor (except for a brief 6-week period) to his friends or social circle. They all knew the ex, so I guess he felt they were "other" than me and that I couldn't be a part of "that side" of him, he even expressed bizarre fears that I'd somehow offend them all.

And whereas Id fill him in (when we were long-distance) on what I was doing and with whom,  I'd only learn about his weekend activities and such in retrospect (or if I asked) and he'd always talk about how "a friend" had said this or that or hung out with him, whereas I always gave the names of my friends in such cases so that he would be able to get a sense of who they were and piece together a coherent picture of my social life and make connections between who was saying what or who I did what with. With him it was always "friends" or "a friend" unless I asked. He didn't have that many, and when I did find out it was rarely the ex or anyone who was any sort of cheating danger who would make me jealous... .so why not just tell me. I knew who his friends were, yet he spoke to me as if I were a new acquaintance for whom saying "a friend" was enough information to give, or like he was trying to keep his social life deliberately vague and distant from me and compartmentalized. It was odd, Id point it out to him, and then he wouldn't change.

[Waifed]

I too pointed it out many times only to get this blank stare looking at me.  Little forms of "abuse" like this make you crazy.  You know you should move on but for some reason you don't.  My leaving her was a moral victory for me even though she turned it around 2 days later, turned me black and went to the police.  I wouldn't have expected that in a million years.  I was a blessing though.  It makes NC a no brainer.

[Clearmind]

Waifs appear helpless and want a rescuer and saviour - night in shining armour type personalities tend to attach to a waif.

My ex was a waif - he was quiet on the whole however so needy, helpess and cried a lot. He was super sensitive, paranoid and lived his life based on shame. He was super promiscuous and self confessed sex addict.

All that aside you and me waifed saw numerous red flags yet ignored them. You say your exwife was not healthy and this girl certainly showed you a million signs she was not either - this is what we need to focus on!

What is it about us and our personality that was attracted to a person that needed saving rather than save ourselves?

Did rescuing a helpless person provide us with validation and value?

What was it about our own childhood that dictated the reasons we were attracted to a sick person?

Why do we feel like we don't deserve a healthy person who will treat themselves and us well?

Lots of questions to ponder.

hit__

Waifs are not helpless - they just want to believe they are!

[Waifed]

Waifs appear helpless and want a rescuer and saviour - night in shining armour type personalities tend to attach to a waif.

My ex was a waif - he was quiet on the whole however so needy, helpess and cried a lot. He was super sensitive, paranoid and lived his life based on shame. He was super promiscuous and self confessed sex addict.

All that aside you and me waifed saw numerous red flags yet ignored them. You say your exwife was not healthy and this girl certainly showed you a million signs she was not either - this is what we need to focus on!



What is it about us and our personality that was attracted to a person that needed saving rather than save ourselves?

Did rescuing a helpless person provide us with validation and value?

What was it about our own childhood that dictated the reasons we were attracted to a sick person?

Why do we feel like we don't deserve a healthy person who will treat themselves and us well?

Lots of questions to ponder.

hit__

Waifs are not helpless - they just want to believe they are!

Good Call! I am currently working on my childhood issues with my therapist.  I realized the trend and it is the primary thing that I want to focus on right now, along with getting over this mess.

[Clearmind]

Good for you waifed - its enlightening and it helps us to detach 

[myself]

She kept many details, friends, and truths from me. When I found myself keeping details and etc. from her, I saw red flags of my own creation. Each of these helped get me out of the relationship and more into looking at my own issues. Instead of having my truths turned against me by someone else, I am using them to help myself grow.

[Waifed]

She kept many details, friends, and truths from me. When I found myself keeping details and etc. from her, I saw red flags of my own creation. Each of these helped get me out of the relationship and more into looking at my own issues. Instead of having my truths turned against me by someone else, I am using them to help myself grow.

I can totally relate.