Tried to Be Her Friend - Devalued Again

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I did break NC - we agreed to remain friends.  For days she was heavy in contact and then asked to become friends on Facebook again... .shiver - a MAJOR source of past issues.  I agreed thinking maybe as friends we could be okay.  Again the attention I got was over the top - her usual style.  Then half way through one day she literally stopped... .just stopping liking anything.  I spent a couple days trying to find what it was - a conversation - a post - what triggered her to back away.  She continued to have conversations with me but they were distant - and not feeling the same... .I found I was becoming obsessed with online living again - always looking to see if she liked or commented - I was drowning in my own thoughts.  She had offered earlier in the week to take me off FB if it was in my way of progress in therapy.  So when I told her FB was not working for me she started off gracious... .and then... .

The next day I was blocked on FB.  I texted - I thought we were good?  No?  She tells me I can't have it both ways and that I had to make a choice and stick with it. (projection?)  I apologized for not handling things properly and felt I could have done some things different - but she shut her phone off so I wouldn't communicate with her.  I asked her why she was being mean over something she offered me... .

Thats when it came.  The nasty email - her colors back again.  Her words to me "You go and start your selfish behavior once again and I'm mean? You're delusional you know that?

You're Sad, selfish, manipulative, controlling, liar and a user who I have given every opportunity and them some to help you out.

Go wallow in your self pity"

So once again I stepped in it... .and I just feel there is no way this woman will ever change... .No matter how much help she gets... .its all lip service.

Sigh  :'(

[bauers220]

I did break NC - we agreed to remain friends.  For days she was heavy in contact and then asked to become friends on Facebook again... .shiver - a MAJOR source of past issues.  I agreed thinking maybe as friends we could be okay.  Again the attention I got was over the top - her usual style.  Then half way through one day she literally stopped... .just stopping liking anything.  I spent a couple days trying to find what it was - a conversation - a post - what triggered her to back away.  She continued to have conversations with me but they were distant - and not feeling the same... .I found I was becoming obsessed with online living again - always looking to see if she liked or commented - I was drowning in my own thoughts.  She had offered earlier in the week to take me off FB if it was in my way of progress in therapy.  So when I told her FB was not working for me she started off gracious... .and then... .

The next day I was blocked on FB.  I texted - I thought we were good?  No?  She tells me I can't have it both ways and that I had to make a choice and stick with it. (projection?)  I apologized for not handling things properly and felt I could have done some things different - but she shut her phone off so I wouldn't communicate with her.  I asked her why she was being mean over something she offered me... .

Thats when it came.  The nasty email - her colors back again.  Her words to me "You go and start your selfish behavior once again and I'm mean? You're delusional you know that?

You're Sad, selfish, manipulative, controlling, liar and a user who I have given every opportunity and them some to help you out.

Go wallow in your self pity"

So once again I stepped in it... .and I just feel there is no way this woman will ever change... .No matter how much help she gets... .its all lip service.

Sigh  :'(

[ZigofZag]

Yep, breaking that NC is a sure way to get yourself hurt again.

We keep doing it though.

Wish I could go straight NC but we have a child together which means there has to be regular contact. The wound just does not get a chance to heal over.

Learn from this and stay strong.

Sorry for your pain

[patientandclear]

I dunno. I think it's pretty clear that it's an abandonment reaction on her part.  You coming back into a FB friends situation and then asking off is a pretty huge trigger for her.  I'm sure it made her feel terrible.  I think you can translate the stuff she said to you & understand that it really just means "ouch, it hurts to lose you again after feeling like you were back."

Can you see her point, about how you need to either be back, or not, but the in-out stuff is super hurtful?  Same thing we often feel about them & their push-pull dynamics.

Not at all saying you should necessarily be in contact!  But don't let the way this played out stand for anything in your mind other than that your back-and-forth is hard for her, just as hers is hard for you.

[Aussie0zborn]

Wow. You really fell into that one head first.

What's the point of maintaining friendship?

How does this "friendship" enhance the quality of your life?

[bb12]

We do not get decency, respect, reciprocity, empathy in a romantic r/s with a pwBPD

Why would you expect it outside of one?

I only ask because i tried the friend thing. It was the friend stage that saw the bulk of the abuse and woke me up to BPD and Codependency.

They can not be the type of friend we would need. We can tolerate the selfishness in a romantic r/ship because of idealisation and sex etc. but when those things are no longer present, all we experience is the devaluation and discard

NC all the way!

Bb12

[GreenMango]

Bauers my experience after the initial love hate cycle I found that it increased in timing and intensity - so each round of crap got more frequent and I knew less of what it was triggered by.

It's hard to make sense out of nonsense.

[Aussie0zborn]

It's hard to make sense out of nonsense.

Well said.

[Learning_curve74]

What are you hoping to get out of being friends with this person?

Some people just aren't good friends. Why not focus on the ones that are?

[Reg]

Hi Bauers !

Sorry to hear about this.

My ex partner wanted to be friends as well.  She knows about her problem being BPD, and denies it.

Although one moment she actually talked with me and agreed she had a serious problem, but external influences destroyed that.  Someone with his own agenda, very probably NPD.  Or just a very big selfish character.

I offered her to go both to a specialised therapist and see which problems we both might have (although I already knew about my own issues) she rejected the offer.

I told her I only wanted to be friends with someone who was willing to change it's life, make it a lot better.  She refused.

In one mail after that she told me that she understood that I didn't want to be a witness anymore about the fact that she was destroying her own life and that I still had love for her (not being in love anymore).  She did hit is spot on, but she denied again to have BPD... .

Point is, you know she has borderline, she is not going to change, change comes from within, acceptance of the problem and the willingness to do something about it.  She does not do that.

She was a bad and toxic lover.  What could make her a good friend ?  Nothing... .  Sad, I know, but a fact.

You've experienced it now.  It does not change, it will never change, unless she is willing to change.

If my ex would contact me again and say she is accepting her problem, I would see it as another way to try to recycle me.  Nothing else.

Starting therapy may even be a trial for recycling.  You don't know what the motivation behind it is, and it can be the complete opposite of what you may hope... .

Knowing your situation, may I ask you this ?  What is more important ?  Being friends with someone who doesn't wants to be friends, but wants a recycle and destroy your life even more ?  Who is in denial of her problem ?

Or being there for your kids and letting go of the toxic situation which is never going to change and cause more pain and havoc in your life ?   And to give you the time to heal ?

Remember you have a choice ! 

Hang in there !

Reg

[GreenMango]

Bauer quick question do you think she's capable of being a friend?  Like a real one without all the garbage getting thrown in?

[Take2]

Bauers my experience after the initial love hate cycle I found that it increased in timing and intensity - so each round of crap got more frequent and I knew less of what it was triggered by.

It's hard to make sense out of nonsense.

This has been my experience as well... .each cycle occurring more quickly and each time the rage getting worse.  Truly ask yourself if you have any other friend who would treat you the way she treats you... .  and look at yourself to see your own contribution to the r/s dynamic.  What can you do to make yourself happier and healthier... ?

my therapist has pointed out to me several times that I wouldn't try to reason with a homeless mentally ill person on the sidewalk... .so why do I think I can reason with my ex ?

I keep having to look to myself to figure out why I have allowed myself to continue to allow abusive treatment in my life... . 

Real love is supportive and caring and forgiving.   Real friendships are too... .

know you deserve it... .

[Bananas]

Hey bauers,

I tried to do the same, maintain a friendship with my ex, especially because we work together.  But with time I realized he had none of the qualities I would look for in a friend.

Trust? No

Honesty? No

Accountability? No

Respect? No

Compassion? No

Empathy? No

What are some of the qualities you look for in a friend?  Does your ex have them?

[ZigofZag]

Hey bauers,

I tried to do the same, maintain a friendship with my ex, especially because we work together.  But with time I realized he had none of the qualities I would look for in a friend.

Trust? No

Honesty? No

Accountability? No

Respect? No

Compassion? No

Empathy? No

What are some of the qualities you look for in a friend?  Does your ex have them?

Ha!

That is why this site is so helpful. You start on a thread to support another and BOOM. Pure logic hits you between the eyes and answers a question that has been lurking in the back of your own mind. Nice one Bananas 

[bauers220]

I didn't quote specifically - you have ALL been wonderful - helpful and amazing!  After therapy today... .and the diagnosis of Complex PTSD... .I see ex as a loaded weapon.  She CANNOT be a good friend... .she should NOT be in my life.  The most important thing in my life are my kids - and that is right - I have to focus there alone.  I always say - if this was my daughter what advice would I give her?  RUN is what I would say.

I am NC now - and I plan to stay that way.  I know I will have bad days but I have to come here on those days.

As for Complex PTSD... .I have been there before ... .this is not new and not related to her... .she just reopened the wound... .

[Bananas]

  Glad I could help ZigofZag!

And bauers, it sounds like you are on your way!  Coming on here always helped me, and continues to, when I want to contact the ex.

Great to see you are in therapy.  Stay Strong!