Hurt and angry

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm going 2 1/2 months since the break up, I'm so angry now. She is a demon, how on earth does she live with herself? Previous boyfriend went no contact and I didn't understand. But do now. Feel so empty!

[Changingman]

I'm going 2 1/2 months since the break up, I'm so angry now. She is a demon, how on earth does she live with herself? Previous boyfriend went no contact and I didn't understand. But do now. Feel so empty!

[Reg]

Hi again Byron,

I know exactly how you feel.  I must say that once I knew my ex partner had borderline, it was some kind of a relief to me.  That may sound curious perhaps, but I'll gladly explain.

My ex ? She would have been a lying, cheating, self centered, non empathic, manipulative,evil minded person, actually one of the worst people I've ever met in my life, completely in contrast with the other part of her.  That makes it even harder to understand the whole situation doesn't it ?

The fact that she had borderline, is something different.  It isn't about you, it isn't even about her, it is borderline behavior.  She has this kind of behavior being stuck emotionally at the level of a 3 to 4 year old somewhere.  It never really evolved from that point on  To them it is normal, to everybody else close to them it is hell, just as it is for us.

Since they are used to this behavior all of their live, they think it's normal, and that's also why their denial of having a problem is so big, not to say often huge !

They do not know or understand properly what they are doing, due to the personality disorder, which makes them deal with any kind of shame and guilt in their own particular and very unhealthy way.

It is hard to deal with and I understand the emptiness you're experiencing very well.  It is a very toxic situation isnt'it ?

Hang in there, things will get better, the most important now is to focuss on your own person.  To understand why you feel so empty about this, and to start living again.  Take up old hobbies, listen to uplifting music, come out of your house and see friends again.

May I ask you if you do have any good support from family and/or friends ?

Reg

[strikeforce]

The way I dealt with it was by realizing that it wasn't her fault and that she didn't chose the disorder.

I forgave her and moved on. I got closure that way.

[allweareisallweare]

The way I dealt with it was by realizing that it wasn't her fault and that she didn't chose the disorder.

I forgave her and moved on. I got closure that way.

Hmm I try to think this way but... .for me ... .maybe I am too analytical - maybe it is too early for me to 'grow' to that point ... .but I believe they're not that 'unautomonous' they must feel some guilt, even after episodes - though they're - or mine was - too stubborn to show it lest they think themselves as weak. Wow, the person never said sorry to me once for her behaviour - I mean, if we as nons do stupid things we can maybe say we were pissed and didn't mean it - that's a justification I profess, but it depends what. BPD not only f**K up, they never seem to apologise or find themselves in the wrong - Freudian defence mechanisms in overdrive there, as BPD is all about defence anyway. Can anyone offer evidence on the contrary, BTW - can anyone offer, within the context of their relationships, their spouses showed signs of guilt or acknowledgement of being in the wrong?

For my money it's too simplistic to say 'it's a disease, my life was ruined, move on.' since we invested in the struggle to try and win it over - we must have done - during the time of our rels. so we said 'it's a disease, disorder, s/he didn't choose it, but we can still work it out' which, for those diagnosed, would be the case. I would think one day - how, I don't know - via therapy or an injection of guilt serum, should such a thing exist, my exDBPDgf will probably reflect on all this - she might even, even even even, you never know, tell herself - she knows because she's been diagnosed, she even made me do a recording saying I would never leave her ... .haha we can laugh about it now - she has BPD.

I am hurt and angry, but at the same time there are a lot of saving graces - that she was diagnosed - Gosh, if I didn't know it she would never have told me and I would have never knew she had it and would have never found this board - and the other saving grace is this board. Hang on in.

[Reg]

Hi allweareisallweare

I did the same as strikeforce.

I can get analytical myself, and I understand you, and the anger and hurt.

I have been there myself, and there's nothing wrong with that at all !

Actually, I don't know for certain of course, but I've heard several times that when they go into intensive therapy, things often get worse for them before it can get better.  I wonder if that has to do with what you call an injection of guilt serum.  May I explain ? Although it seems therapy is focussed to heal in a positive way, I think there comes a moment where they get that injection and understand what they did to people due to their way of thinking and handling things.  When 2+2 is not whatever they want to make of it, but becomes 4.  Maybe also the reason why some of them do not recover ?  or not fully, because they feel more comfortable in doing what they always did, not fully having to face their own person ?

I agree with you that BPD can not be used as an excuse. If you know you have it, you have to take steps for therapy and help.  But well we know many don't, my ex is one of them in denial even about that. A therapist can say what he wants... .that's the excuse.

I agree, an excuse me is too much asked.  I just heard a vague sorry, sometime over and over, if she needed to recycle... .  If I make a mistake, I will admit it, and not discuss it, and give serious and sincere apologies.  They can't.

Do they experience guilt ?  Oh yes they do ! Why do they do all that projecting ?  Not to have to deal with it in the end, as a 3 year old.  Mom is bad ! Dad is bad ! They don't let me have that.  I want it all and they don't let me.

My ex cheated on me, I discovered it, than she felt guilty about it and afterwards it was my fault.  Why ?  Because I had introduced her to that person.  I asked her : So if I introduce you to someone that is a reason to cheat on me with that person ?  I actually never did get an answer on that question 

I agree with you, this board is great.  I found it a bit late after the breakup, but I'm still very glad I did !

[Changingman]

I want what I want, was a huge thing for my ex. She said she was going to go on holiday with new work friends without me, all sweet and making it sound ok. I said without me you're kidding yourself. I was helping to keep her work afloat, selfish, self centered, always spent her salary within 2 weeks. She raged at me and turned the table over onto me full of her empty bottles of wine and stormed to bed. I think she was cheating with the investor behind my back. I would have had to pay for the holiday, amazing.