What, Exactly, Do I Miss about Her?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I received the divorce settlement papers from the mediator today.  It brought the final reality of the death of my 25 year relationship home hard.  I feel grief.  But, what, exactly do I miss about her?  Indeed, the good times were great.  The early and middle years were far from perfect (she has always had rage and addiction), but there were good times.  But the last 12 years have been filled with serious dysfunction: lies, cheating, sneaking, vows to try harder, then relapse after relapse... .And the insults, put-downs and condescending tones... .  She lost all tolerance for the most trivial of my shortcomings: I don't have "cool" hair anymore?  Really?  Sorry; I am not 22 anymore,and neither are you lady (ditch the hair dye and let's see your hair.  But I NEVER insulted her and she knows it)!  I do not miss that crap! 

What do I miss?  Probably what never existed.  I thought I was her man.  She said I was different and better than all the others.  I did not abuse her and I was generous (true, ).  I miss what never could be sustained.  I miss believing that I was the "one."  Now I don't know what to believe. 

I do miss the inside jokes we shared.  She could be very funny.  She has a near genius IQ and could be hilarious (but also cruel).  But, despite the high IQ, she often reacted like a toddler when any discomfort set it.  I do not miss that.   Once I grieve  and heal I hope to be better off without her.  All my friends, and even her family, thinks that I am better off without her. We'll see... .

Fiddlestix

[fiddlestix]

I received the divorce settlement papers from the mediator today.  It brought the final reality of the death of my 25 year relationship home hard.  I feel grief.  But, what, exactly do I miss about her?  Indeed, the good times were great.  The early and middle years were far from perfect (she has always had rage and addiction), but there were good times.  But the last 12 years have been filled with serious dysfunction: lies, cheating, sneaking, vows to try harder, then relapse after relapse... .And the insults, put-downs and condescending tones... .  She lost all tolerance for the most trivial of my shortcomings: I don't have "cool" hair anymore?  Really?  Sorry; I am not 22 anymore,and neither are you lady (ditch the hair dye and let's see your hair.  But I NEVER insulted her and she knows it)!  I do not miss that crap! 

What do I miss?  Probably what never existed.  I thought I was her man.  She said I was different and better than all the others.  I did not abuse her and I was generous (true, ).  I miss what never could be sustained.  I miss believing that I was the "one."  Now I don't know what to believe. 

I do miss the inside jokes we shared.  She could be very funny.  She has a near genius IQ and could be hilarious (but also cruel).  But, despite the high IQ, she often reacted like a toddler when any discomfort set it.  I do not miss that.   Once I grieve  and heal I hope to be better off without her.  All my friends, and even her family, thinks that I am better off without her. We'll see... .

Fiddlestix

[GreenMango]

It would be strange if you didn't feel any grief.

Mine was funny at times too and cruel.  Shocking cruel.  Don't miss that at all.

The hair dye part cracked me up.  My feeling on the picking you apart stuff is theres a unrealistic fantasy and disappointment isn't tolerated - it was some kind of perceived injustice and entitlement (not a real one like being imprisoned in a country for differing political views).  But you would think by the reaction it was a real one.  Childish really.

New chapters of life can be hard and scary at first.  You are asking yourself a good question.  And its okay to grieve - most people don't get married thinking they are going to get divorced.

[DownandOut]

The unrealistic fantasy and how it can't be tolerated is a good point. My exBPDgf would call me out on the smallest stuff and I think it came once she realized that I am a work in progress. I always try to be a better man today than I was yesterday and I felt that she was willing to be my partner in crime and team up. However, once she realized that I have my moments in which my own flaws are exposed. I always felt like I handled her flaws better than she handled mine because I was really in love (or I thought I was). She always seemed to think that there was something better out there for her. I'm not perfect, and I told her that, but if she really loved me she would realize that neither is she and that is the beauty of being in a relationship with someone you love - acceptance. We all have our idiosyncrasies and if they are not accepting of ours, why should we accept theirs? I miss the fantasy of us growing old together and becoming wiser and more in tune with each other as the years passed. I miss being with someone who I thought had the same values as me and the same wants in life. The problem: None of that was real. I know now that she sucked up all this information about me as a person and made herself my ideal. She's phony. There's many instances that I should have realized but one that sticks out is that her exbf was really into electronic music and I knew she hated it; however, I've seen pictures of them at electronic music festivals and she appears to be having a great time. She became what he wanted. I believe he has a different memory of her than I do because she's never the same person. Unfortunately, I do believe she was most herself around me and that hurts a little but who knows if taht's even true?

[bpdspell]

FiddleStix,

Twenty Five Years is quite a chunk of time to spend with someone in this lifetime. It's an emotional bond and one that cannot be broken instantly because divorce papers were signed.

You mentioned grieving and I think it's a healthy path to follow for your own sanity. I'm sure there are many emotional feelings that are stuck in your heart that need releasing for carthasis... .so stick to this path... .

I think we all have struggled with missing the "idea" of a person and not the actual person. In our own ways we used denial and delusion as coping mechanisms ourselves. Especially when we weren't ready to walk away from what was glaringly evident.

The best thing you can give yourself right now is loads of self-forgiveness and patience. You have the rest of your life to live and you have to believe in your heart that life will be sweeter as you heal from this toxic long term relationship.

Spell