Distorted words.

[Depression = 72% of members]

When i let my exUBPDgf... .

Back into my life... .

The second time... .

I knew about her BPD.

I had told her... .

"I accept the good... .

The bad... .

And the ugly... .

About you."

She was so happy... .

When i told her this.

Would tell me for weeks... .

"You really do accept me for who i am Ironmanfalls... .

This is what i so love about you... .

This is why i am so grateful to have you in my life... ."

Towards the very end of devaluation/discard... .

One of the final things she said to me was... .

"Remember when you said to me... .

That you accepted the good... .

The bad... .

And the ugly... .

About me... .

Well... .

I couldnt accept that about you... ."

I was like... .

"Oh really... .

So then why did you return to me... .

Begging and crying... .

If you couldnt accept that about me... .?"

Her response... .

Silence.

She parroted the words i had told her... .

Back to me... .

In a distorted way... .

To be used... .

To hurt me... .

And rationalize... .

In her jumbled thoughts... .

That... .

That is why she was leaving... .

Again.

I remember thinking... .

Does she not hear what it is that she is saying... .?

The frightening answer... .

Is yes.

It is the thought process... .

Behind that... .

That is truly horrifying.

The same exact f¥cking words... .

From idealization... .

To the final discard.

[Ironmanrises]

When i let my exUBPDgf... .

Back into my life... .

The second time... .

I knew about her BPD.

I had told her... .

"I accept the good... .

The bad... .

And the ugly... .

About you."

She was so happy... .

When i told her this.

Would tell me for weeks... .

"You really do accept me for who i am Ironmanfalls... .

This is what i so love about you... .

This is why i am so grateful to have you in my life... ."

Towards the very end of devaluation/discard... .

One of the final things she said to me was... .

"Remember when you said to me... .

That you accepted the good... .

The bad... .

And the ugly... .

About me... .

Well... .

I couldnt accept that about you... ."

I was like... .

"Oh really... .

So then why did you return to me... .

Begging and crying... .

If you couldnt accept that about me... .?"

Her response... .

Silence.

She parroted the words i had told her... .

Back to me... .

In a distorted way... .

To be used... .

To hurt me... .

And rationalize... .

In her jumbled thoughts... .

That... .

That is why she was leaving... .

Again.

I remember thinking... .

Does she not hear what it is that she is saying... .?

The frightening answer... .

Is yes.

It is the thought process... .

Behind that... .

That is truly horrifying.

The same exact f¥cking words... .

From idealization... .

To the final discard.

[happylogist]

Iron, well, it looks not so bad in your case (sarcasm intended) Consider it as your small victory! At least she was not able to find an answer.

In many other cases (including mine) there are always answers that make you feel even worse and guiltier than you were before.

[alliance]

I remember these times Ironman.

I remember being totally surprised at what appeared to be insight and maybe an ounce of empathy. And then it became painfully clear that she didn't understand what she was saying.

What appeared to be deliberate nastiness and cruelty used to floor me too. It is one reason I maintain nc. Boggles my mind how someone can say something totally out of the blue, unrelated to anything being said or done, that just cuts to the core of you. Done with a big smile on their face. Eerie just to think about it.

[Ironmanrises]

Happy,

She couldn't accept herself... .

So she had to project that onto me... .

In a dual fold purpose... .

To hurt me in the process... .

Massively... .

And to justify in her head... .

Why would she accept someone... .

Who would want to accept someone like her... .

Meaning... .

There must be something wrong with me... .

Thus... .

That is why she cannot accept someone damaged like me.

Frightening and sad distortion.

Besides... .

She was reading a self help book at the end... .

And telling her enablers... .

That she was in "personal development... ."

(I really wish I was making this stuff up)... .

Obviously... .

The problem couldn't be her... .

So it had to be me.

I f¥cking hate this disorder.

Alliance,

I am sorry you experienced it too.

The cutting to the core... .

With alarming precision.

Mine was smug at the end too.

My NC is my only barrier... .

Between her and me.

And it has to stay that way.

[Traumatized]

It was good, it was bad, it was ugly.

That's exactly how I described my relationship to someone who asked me about it recently.

Very Clint Eastwood like.

[Findingmysong723]

My Ex used to read Self Help books, he had a few of them. However, I think it helped him talk the talk but of course not walk them walk!

[DownandOut]

I think that the stories about BPDexes reading self-help books is amazing! Mine was constantly reading self-help books, seeing self-help gurus, actually attempting therapy but nothing seemed to work. I think the high-functioning BPDs are capable of self-reflection and are conscious of the fact that something is wrong with them, however, those overwhelming emotions just take over everything. With me, she seemed to do this more because I really tried to help flesh out her issues with her and comfort her because that's what i was willing to do. She even told me I was too intense, that she likes to keep her feelings close to the vest and I was too much for her. This might not seem objectively evil, but this hurt me so much because she constantly told me that I made her feel so comfortable and she wanted to be my partner in crime. She threw in the digs about my appearance and other nonsense but, like Ironmanfalls, the comments that showed how unaccepting they are of us when we are so accepting of them is the worst.

[DragoN]

the comments that showed how unaccepting they are of us when we are so accepting of them is the worst.

It's interesting to read that your partners were doing the Self Help; mine did none of that. None whatsoever. The first major break up, he lied that he went to therapy for anger  management, the second one, he did go. But then he blamed me anyways. "They" told him NOT to come back to me or try to get me back and that is exactly what he did. "They" told him to stop the drinking, he admitted all that. But did the opposite.

Years back, I would try to get him to read with me online the r/s advice, and we could be reading the exact same thing and he would give me his feedback on it, but it was completely twisted. I don't think we read the same thing. It was really amazing to see him do that. Pretty much gave up trying to enlist him in improving the r/s and relied on boundaries.

[Ironmanrises]

To all,

I cringe when I hear or see that help book... .

It has become associated with her... .

With this nightmare.

I saw her in the end... .

Constantly post on her Facebook/Instagram... .

How much that self help book... .

Was supposedly helping her... .

"Enlightening her... ."

In her words.

While her treatment towards me... .

"Enlightening"... .

Would have been the furthest... .

From even describing it.

It was far easier... .

For her to read a self help book... .

And tell the whole world... .

That she was enlightening herself... .

Then to take the brave step... .

Of saying... .

I have caused all of this... .

I need professional help.

Help me.

Her projections at the end...

As much as I knew... .

Were how she felt about herself... .

Still hurt me deep.

By then... .

She had completely ravaged... .

My Ironman suit.

[bpdspell]

Ironman Falls,

Distorted words are the words that are most likely to fall from a disordered person's mouth. But the truth of who they are is not in their words; its in their actions, their behaviors and how they treat others. That is the TRUTH and the reality of who they are.

So many times we rewind the script of the words once spoken to us but their words cannot hold any gravity. I think a great question to ask ourselves is why do we need their words to mean something to us?

Their BPD comes with a plethora of ingrained issues: identity disturbance, unstable sense of self, inner core emptiness. They lack the ability to tell the truth to themselves so how in the hell can they tell us a truth that is rooted in substance and consistency?

I believe what we struggle with most is accepting that they lack the capacity to fulfill our dreams, fantasies, and hopes of being unconditionally loved. Many of us do not want to accept this truth because we are fearful of turning our worlds upside down.

They are not the source of love we believe they are and they never were. It's the letting go of this truth that proves to be the emotional battle of our lives.

Spell

[DragoN]

But the truth of who they are is not in their words; its in their actions, their behaviors and how they treat others. That is the TRUTH and the reality of who they are.

Actions speak louder than words. It's not what he says, but what he does.

BPDspell,

I think a great question to ask ourselves is why do we need their words to mean something to us?

From my end, because when I say something, I do my best to follow through. If I screw up, I own it. Change my reactions this part has been hard after 10 years on the defense though and I still find myself twitching with it

Words are how we communicate our wants and needs, and in the back ground there is the unspoken expectation that our partners want to be there for us. That's my guess. I no longer know, but in my marriage it was a one way street. Emotionally there was extremely little, only in the mirroring phase. After that? No.

I believe what we struggle with most is accepting that they lack the capacity to fulfill our dreams, fantasies, and hopes of being unconditionally loved. Many of us do not want to accept this truth because we are fearful of turning our worlds upside down.

They are not the source of love we believe they are and they never were. It's the letting go of this truth that proves to be the emotional battle of our lives.

To unconditionally love another for who they are. They are incapable. Let alone to respect that and honor boundaries that exist in what defines the core of the r/s? No. Mirror it for a time, and then the mask drops. So was it distorted words or blatant lies after a point?

Distorted words were the marriage vows that meant something to me and to him were a convenience that he knew would lock me in. I was so stupid. Deeper than the vows lies intent. The desire and the wanting to commit to a life long journey together. For him, it was a contract that would put him in a safer tax jurisdiction with a built in nurse.

I think I am a little bitter.

[bpdspell]

I was so stupid.  

Whoa pony.

Do not be so hard on yourself.

You were in love with a mentally ill person

Beating up yourself will only make you feel worse

Understanding and Accepting BPD is a difficult part of the journey but attacking yourself will not help you in the long run.

Be careful with the words you use against yourself.

You don't deserve to treat yourself that way.

You deserve to love yourself

And you deserve to be kind to yourself.


We have all been poisoned by the well of bitterness. No shame in that. Ten years married is a long time. Processing the mess we've got ourselves into hurts. Processing the hurt is painful as well.

We gave them power; our power. We trusted them to love us in spite of the evidence that supported their contrary actions. We did this and it is what we bring to this toxic dance.

My ex lied, manipulated, cheated... .I took it all in... .and still wanted his version of love anyway. All along he had been showing me how much he hated himself and how little he thought of himself. All along I accepted his dysfunctional crumbs to fill up my desperate need to feel loved by him. And I was hungry (for his love) all the time. Crumbs aren't very nourishing.  It was self-sacrifice, abuse and I was a willing participant.

Again. Ask yourself why... .and amazing answers will fall right in your lap.

Spell

[DragoN]

BPDspell, I know you are right and agree completely with you.

And,  I am still pissed as hell at myself.

To love and be loved. And it turns into a torture chamber of soul level destruction?

I'm still bitter and really working hard at getting the rust off the shackles I have strapped around the ol' heart muscle. Not sure I really want to though either.

Once the paper work is signed and everything is moved and settled, I hope the anxiety levels drop and I am not quite such an angst ridden mess.

[myself]

Clinging to those words that were said, on both sides of the coin. Yes, it happens. Good and bad, theirs and ours. It's true, the actions are where to look for more of the truth. There were some beautiful actions which seemed to shine a light into our lives, and there were some ugly actions which cast their shadows. As we find, there is also light inside of the darkness, and it helps to open our eyes to better see the actions. Theirs and Ours.

It's our own we need to focus on. Our own words we need to express and believe. Our own moves to make. Because taking abuse is also an action. Not living up to your full potential is also an action. Giving away too much of yourself to someone who is just going to demand more is also an action. Just as letting go of those words that were said, whether they were sincere or not, is something we can do. I have had the best words mirrored back to me, and the worst, meaning the best were twisted around and used against me, against the existance of the relationship itself. And yet here I am, growing stronger, with better understanding of what has happened, and moving on with life. It's possible for all of us.

We have to not let the words of others take us down anymore. We know who we are. We know where we've been and where we're going. With less and less distortions.

[Ironmanrises]

Ironman Falls,

Distorted words are the words that are most likely to fall from a disordered person's mouth. But the truth of who they are is not in their words; its in their actions, their behaviors and how they treat others. That is the TRUTH and the reality of who they are.

So many times we rewind the script of the words once spoken to us but their words cannot hold any gravity. I think a great question to ask ourselves is why do we need their words to mean something to us?

Their BPD comes with a plethora of ingrained issues: identity disturbance, unstable sense of self, inner core emptiness. They lack the ability to tell the truth to themselves so how in the hell can they tell us a truth that is rooted in substance and consistency?

I believe what we struggle with most is accepting that they lack the capacity to fulfill our dreams, fantasies, and hopes of being unconditionally loved. Many of us do not want to accept this truth because we are fearful of turning our worlds upside down.

They are not the source of love we believe they are and they never were. It's the letting go of this truth that proves to be the emotional battle of our lives.

Spell

I have been accepting this... .

But there are days... .

Where my acceptance... .

Wanes.

I still remember her words... .

And the cruel behavior... .

And my acceptance of this... .

Is reaffirmed.

It is not easy... .

At all.

For me... .

My words... .

Coupled with my actions... .

Mean everything.

I have learned... .

Via 2 rounds... .

Of a relationship... .

With my exUBPDgf... .

That... .

I can never... .

Allow... .

Anything less then that.

Words... .

Coupled with action.

[DragoN]

I can never... .

Allow... .

Anything less then that.

Words... .

Coupled with action.

That^^^ Look at the Actions.

Letting go of the words is still hard, but the actions don't lie, the words do.

[Ironmanrises]

I can never... .

Allow... .

Anything less then that.

Words... .

Coupled with action.

That^^^ Look at the Actions.

Letting go of the words is still hard, but the actions don't lie, the words do.

Yes.

A brutal lesson i had to learn.

I had been... .

In naive idyll... .

Up until that point.

[bpdspell]

I have been accepting this... .

But there are days... .

Where my acceptance... .

Wanes.

Acceptance... .like Rome... .is not built in a day.

It's a daily effort of opening your heart to the truth of what is.

It takes time (and a little commitment) to step in it fully

It's a journey (sounds cliche)

But totally true

Where you are now

Will be different a few months, years... .

Down the road.

You will have a day when you look in your rear-view mirror

And pride yourself with what you've come through.

It took me over a year and a half to get to acceptance. Accepting my ex and his BPD meant letting go of what I wanted so desperately to cling on to. You don't know how bad I desired my ex to come back to me and fix my shattered heart. I wanted to be the exception. I wanted my happy ending. I was sick of people telling me to move on. I tortured myself with rumination and wanting the days of idealization to reclaim my reality. I missed my ex so much, loved him so deeply... .I felt like God played the sickest joke on me.

Everyday was a struggle to stay in the now. I understand how it feels to not have an emotional replacement for a life-long dream that turned into a nightmare.

But the only way out is through. Ironman. Just do your best to be kind, loving an patient to yourself. I've read many of your posts on here and you've come a long way in your healing. Keep prodding through until your breakthrough makes sense out of what currently doesn't make sense.

Spell

[Ironmanrises]

Clinging to those words that were said, on both sides of the coin. Yes, it happens. Good and bad, theirs and ours. It's true, the actions are where to look for more of the truth. There were some beautiful actions which seemed to shine a light into our lives, and there were some ugly actions which cast their shadows. As we find, there is also light inside of the darkness, and it helps to open our eyes to better see the actions. Theirs and Ours.

It's our own we need to focus on. Our own words we need to express and believe. Our own moves to make. Because taking abuse is also an action. Not living up to your full potential is also an action. Giving away too much of yourself to someone who is just going to demand more is also an action. Just as letting go of those words that were said, whether they were sincere or not, is something we can do. I have had the best words mirrored back to me, and the worst, meaning the best were twisted around and used against me, against the existance of the relationship itself. And yet here I am, growing stronger, with better understanding of what has happened, and moving on with life. It's possible for all of us.

We have to not let the words of others take us down anymore. We know who we are. We know where we've been and where we're going. With less and less distortions.

In bold.

I am not completely there yet... .

But i am closer then i was... .

Months ago... .

When my NC... .

Started.

I have detected... .

The wound... .

That extends far back into my childhood... .

About needing to be loved to feel of worth.

Detecting it... .

Is one thing... .

Repairing it... .

Requires... .

Me crafting tools... .

That will begin to repair it.

That wound... .

Being so deep... .

Has had rippling effects... .

On all major systems... .

Throughout me.

No wonder... .

I allowed myself... .

To fall in love with a BPD.

I am in the process... .

Of creating those tools... .

So i can fully heal.

[Ironmanrises]

I have been accepting this... .

But there are days... .

Where my acceptance... .

Wanes.

Acceptance... .like Rome... .is not built in a day.

It's a daily effort of opening your heart to the truth of what is.

It takes time (and a little commitment) to step in it fully

It's a journey (sounds cliche)

But totally true

Where you are now

Will be different a few months, years... .

Down the road.

You will have a day when you look in your rear-view mirror

And pride yourself with what you've come through.

It took me over a year and a half to get to acceptance. Accepting my ex and his BPD meant letting go of what I wanted so desperately to cling on to. You don't know how bad I desired my ex to come back to me and fix my shattered heart. I wanted to be the exception. I wanted my happy ending. I was sick of people telling me to move on. I tortured myself with rumination and wanting the days of idealization to reclaim my reality. I missed my ex so much, loved him so deeply... .I felt like God played the sickest joke on me.

Everyday was a struggle to stay in the now. I understand how it feels to not have an emotional replacement for a life-long dream that turned into a nightmare.

But the only way out is through. Ironman. Just do your best to be kind, loving an patient to yourself. I've read many of your posts on here and you've come a long way in your healing. Keep prodding through until your breakthrough makes sense out of what currently doesn't make sense.

Spell

Thank you BPDspell.

In bold.

That is a battle that has taken... .

All of my willpower... .

To overcome... .

And to fully accept it... .

Requires... .

Continued... .

Willpower... .

So that i do not revert.

[UnLuckyLady]

IronManFalls

Reading through your last posts I was struck by your sense of independence, yet saddened at the same time.  I too have never felt so alone in my entire existence. Not being able to describe how deep the infection of pain ran through me to those in my life tbat care about me.  Bless them, they try to understand, but it's impossible  unless they experience it for themselves. So I tend to sequester myself to this board and my own thoughts. I am only one month into the breakup, so its still a gaping wound. Hell on earth.

Would like you to know that your words in your posts give me strength, as they reflect my own deeper thoughts, however alone I feel. 

Not certain about my faith at this time, but I will continue to send peace your way as well.

Keep it up... .

[Accepting]

I have been accepting this... .

But there are days... .

Where my acceptance... .

Wanes.

Acceptance... .like Rome... .is not built in a day.

It's a daily effort of opening your heart to the truth of what is.

It takes time (and a little commitment) to step in it fully

It's a journey (sounds cliche)

But totally true

Where you are now

Will be different a few months, years... .

Down the road.

You will have a day when you look in your rear-view mirror

And pride yourself with what you've come through.

It took me over a year and a half to get to acceptance. Accepting my ex and his BPD meant letting go of what I wanted so desperately to cling on to. You don't know how bad I desired my ex to come back to me and fix my shattered heart. I wanted to be the exception. I wanted my happy ending. I was sick of people telling me to move on. I tortured myself with rumination and wanting the days of idealization to reclaim my reality. I missed my ex so much, loved him so deeply... .I felt like God played the sickest joke on me.

Everyday was a struggle to stay in the now. I understand how it feels to not have an emotional replacement for a life-long dream that turned into a nightmare.

But the only way out is through. Ironman. Just do your best to be kind, loving an patient to yourself. I've read many of your posts on here and you've come a long way in your healing. Keep prodding through until your breakthrough makes sense out of what currently doesn't make sense.

Spell

This is really what this is all about and to me sums up the essence of posting on this forum and in particular, the leaving threads. It's about accepting what happened and processing it whilst still trying to live and enjoy your days... .with an increasing anticipation that the future will be better than the past. There are really good people and experiences out there... better days are yet to come 

[Accepting]

I am only one month into the breakup, so its still a gaping wound. Hell on earth.

Would like you to know that your words in your posts give me strength, as they reflect my own deeper thoughts, however alone I feel. 

Not certain about my faith at this time, but I will continue to send peace your way as well.

Keep it up... .

It gets better and the more that you're brought down to a low place the higher I find you climb once you get passed it. It's really really hard, takes you to the darkest places where you feel so alone, but then once you process it you realise you're okay, everything will be okay 

I think whilst deeply saddened this time round, I've done so much soul searching and processing during past recycles that I'm okay rather than ruined now. Also, I'd like to be a positive influence if I can, to others and even to myself. Try to keep smiling and see through this experience.

[UnLuckyLady]

Accepting

Thank you for your support... .I see growth and healing in people, such as yourself, and I am inspired by your willingness to help others and reach out to them/us.  I will get there someday, I have to.  Then, I may help others as well... .

Thank you

[Accepting]

You're most welcome

To be honest, 'one' of the most shocking things (to me, to my feelings) of the whole r'ship (if it can be called that) with 'him' only happened 3 days ago... .but I think now I've kind of been over-shocked  At the time I shook and felt physically ill, but already a few days later I'm okay. In the past it took months to get over/to a point of feeling okay. I think I'm accepting things now with greater ease. Trying to let go of being connected with the 'sick' side to things that happened and just accept them as being part of the person's issues... not to discount them, just to go, oh well... .nothing I can do to change it now, might as well go with accepting it.

[Ironmanrises]

Unlucky... .


You are not alone... .

I am glad... .

That my words reached you.

Makes me feel less alone... .

To know... .

That.

My only solace... .

Like you... .

Is this forum.

So i can understand... .

Completely.

I am not that far ahead of you... .

In the breakup... .

So i know... .

Too...

The gaping wound... .

You are experiencing.

Thank you for your sentiments.


Hang in there unlucky.

Your words are being read... .

Too.

[DragoN]

About needing to be loved to feel of worth.

You, I, everyone here is worthy of being loved. And love of the Self is what protects us from the PD's and not loving ourselves more, as selfish as that sounds, is why many stayed. Self included. It was a slow erosion though. As I am sure most of us, had we been faced with the full unmasked glory of the PD in full bloom right from the very beginning would have stayed.

That gaping wound is blood in the water for a PD. Met my SO when I was wounded and over the years uncovered more such festering wounds. The old ones are healed for the most part, but this marital wound is still raw.

I think whilst deeply saddened this time round, I've done so much soul searching and processing during past recycles that I'm okay rather than ruined now.

Same here. It is what it was. Can't change it. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. For too many years the focus was an action plan to dodge the bullets. I didn't stop long enough to really feel. Pushed it all under ground, but now, not particularly enjoying the sensation. Gut through it is the usual MO. But this stuff is a bit over the top. Balance. Albeit tricky these days to maintain.

Hope each day is a little better than the last for everyone here, even though we know this is not a straight line process.

IMF, you should write a book. Your posts are poetry and just nail it every time.

[Ironmanrises]

About needing to be loved to feel of worth.

You, I, everyone here is worthy of being loved. And love of the Self is what protects us from the PD's and not loving ourselves more, as selfish as that sounds, is why many stayed. Self included. It was a slow erosion though. As I am sure most of us, had we been faced with the full unmasked glory of the PD in full bloom right from the very beginning would have stayed.

That gaping wound is blood in the water for a PD. Met my SO when I was wounded and over the years uncovered more such festering wounds. The old ones are healed for the most part, but this marital wound is still raw.

I think whilst deeply saddened this time round, I've done so much soul searching and processing during past recycles that I'm okay rather than ruined now.

Same here. It is what it was. Can't change it. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. For too many years the focus was an action plan to dodge the bullets. I didn't stop long enough to really feel. Pushed it all under ground, but now, not particularly enjoying the sensation. Gut through it is the usual MO. But this stuff is a bit over the top. Balance. Albeit tricky these days to maintain.

Hope each day is a little better than the last for everyone here, even though we know this is not a straight line process.

IMF, you should write a book. Your posts are poetry and just nail it every time.

In bold.

On target.

A lack of self love... .

Has disastrous consequences... .

On the self.

I would say... .

It is probably... .

The same wound... .

A lot of us... .

On here have.


Thank you Sabratha. 

I am not a poet/writer though.

You guys are really far too kind.