Holiday boundaries

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This weekend it's Thanksgiving in Canada and it is my weekend to have the kids.

The holidays brings conflict with ex uBPD and here we go again.

She's changed the drop off time to Monday @1100 instead of the usual 1845 drop of times on Sundays. Here reasoning is; because it's my weekend and Monday is a holiday  

a) I could be working on Monday

b) I could have plans

c) not enough notice

Having said that, I've have set boundaries in the last 8 weeks or so, I defend them often and she eventually backs off. So a holiday boundary since that time has not been set.

Don't fret it because it will be hashed out in our parenting order eventually?

When you set a boundary usually you set it then say, if you do a then you the result will be b

This kills me though, because I want to see my kids, but I have plans for Monday. It doesn't matter what I say, because she won't take them back on Sunday and it just opens it up to conflict and I lose.

It's always something with her on the holidays when it comes to pick up drop off times and I don't set a boundary then she walks all over me the next time.

How have people here coped? Do you have boundaries for the holidays? If ex does such and such on a holiday, then what is your boundary?


-Mutt

[Mutt]

This weekend it's Thanksgiving in Canada and it is my weekend to have the kids.

The holidays brings conflict with ex uBPD and here we go again.

She's changed the drop off time to Monday @1100 instead of the usual 1845 drop of times on Sundays. Here reasoning is; because it's my weekend and Monday is a holiday  

a) I could be working on Monday

b) I could have plans

c) not enough notice

Having said that, I've have set boundaries in the last 8 weeks or so, I defend them often and she eventually backs off. So a holiday boundary since that time has not been set.

Don't fret it because it will be hashed out in our parenting order eventually?

When you set a boundary usually you set it then say, if you do a then you the result will be b

This kills me though, because I want to see my kids, but I have plans for Monday. It doesn't matter what I say, because she won't take them back on Sunday and it just opens it up to conflict and I lose.

It's always something with her on the holidays when it comes to pick up drop off times and I don't set a boundary then she walks all over me the next time.

How have people here coped? Do you have boundaries for the holidays? If ex does such and such on a holiday, then what is your boundary?


-Mutt

[Forward2free]

To clarify, she wants you to have the kids for an extra night?

You are in the court process now for custody?

If you were in the same household, you would probably be with the kids for a holiday.

If she knows you have plans on Monday, she will push harder. All you can do is restate your schedule, but you can't make her be there to take the kids.

I think that any time someone offers you more time with your kids, you should take it. It may make your plans difficult, or it might mean plans have to change, but make it fun and arrange a family day instead. It's a bonus that you wouldn't have had otherwise. Document it for court to say she didn't give you notice and you had to change plans to suit, but you would do anything for your kids... .

I have my kids full time, except for 4 hours every 2 weeks when their dad has them. I use babysitters, care programs and family to help me when I have other plans. It is sometimes inconvenient, but I acknowledge it's just part of being a parent and it's lucky to have a bonus day to make new memories, and a blessing for the kids to have an extra day without their PD mom.

[Mutt]

Yes an extra night.

Married, divorced or separated I still have custody of them, at least from what the L's I've talked to have said.

I want the kids to live with me half of the time and her half of the time. Yes, there are court proceedings.

I was thinking documenting for courts to use it later.

It would of been nice for PD mom to ask first like a normal adult would, instead of just saying "since it's a holiday" which is hogwash. I was thinking more of the lines of boundaries, but a court order will be drafted and from now until then, I'll enjoy my time with the kids. That's best for everyone and just enjoy the holiday.


Thanks kormilda. I appreciate the help. It's tricky with PD sometimes, knowing when to draw a clear line and when not too.