Losing my children

[Jadedunicorn]

We have a mutual daughter (11) whom I have had full custody of til now and my 16 yr old son.  The many years since divorce have been trying but manageable til now.   Now he has tried and failed to get me thru cps reports(approx 5 times).  I am in the mist of losing all custody, rights and visitation.  He has her atm temp.

My son has become vulnerable to my ex in the last year.  Now has filed a CHINS act to force me to allow him to reside with him.

(after I refused to allow)

There are soo many blatant lies and I am pretty alone these days,  which makes me feel powerless to defend.

Looking for any guidance at all.

[DreamGirl]

 :'(

I'm so sorry you're going thru this.

You said you are in the midst of losing all custody and visitation?

On what grounds?

Where does the case stand at this point?

[ForeverDad]

 :'( First and foremost, all hope is NOT lost!  We always have to remember that fact when dealing with someone who is so convincing, overwhelming, emotionally overpowering and slickly persuasive as many disordered acting-out people can be.  I know it's little comfort right now, but remember the old saying, it's darkest just before dawn.  Let's work together to see what we can do to get you to sunnier days.

Also, you've raised your children for many years.  A teen and a pre-teen.  You will have provided them with a solid foundation for the future.  Even if he manages to sway them and lead the astray, so to speak, once they're grown they may very well look back and thank you for what you did manage to accomplish with them as they grew up.

CHINS is probably "Children in Need of Services" - basically abused, neglected or endangered children?  I recall a movie prepared a few years ago that aired on PBS and it stated that typically in that state "the parents who walk out with custody are the the ones wearing skirts."  So how your ex has been able to con all the agencies and court about a child that is not even his own, I don't know.

Although this is an anonymous site, you're probably still concerned about providing details.  It's okay to be vague and even change a few things so that your ex is less likely to find you online.  Another good thing is that a few of the boards on this site are kept members-only, such as this Family Law board and the New Members board,  and thus aren't indexed by search engines.

We often mention that our parenting struggles are a marathon, not a sprint.  Yet we do need to b educated and supported so that our energy and financial resources are used wisely for the best outcome possible.

Can we ask, how and on what basis did he get custody, I guess so far just temporarily?  Was this unsubstantiated allegations?  :)oes he have any proof?  :)id he get the children to lie for him?

An excellent book for handling the impact on the children is Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak.

A vital book for fighting the lies, allegations, insinuations and sabotaging tactics of the ex is Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William Eddy and Randi Kreger.

[Jadedunicorn]

My son I still have full custody of and am just defending myself in Chins on the 16th of Oct. 

My ex has offered him a place at his home... and made many promises for future things, ie car,license and college.

Cps has been called numerous times by ex and each time have left me alone saying allegations are unfounded.

My ex states to the court differently though, claims otherwise and I can not afford a lawyer, it is almost impossible for me to get where court is held, and have no family or close friends really to vouch for me.  My daughter wanted to stay with me, was removed by police and ex... .due to her refusal to go.  Now has been told some untruths that make her feel she has to stay there to be taken care of properly(I think)

He is asking for full custody, wants to have full decision making and for me to get visits every other weekend... .with conditions.

The claim is I have severely neglected my daughter and am a full time drug user.  I have proven this false before.  My daughter knows better... but claim is still made.  All other allegations are stemmed from this.  All are ridiculously false.

[Jadedunicorn]

Oh and I missed the how he got custody... .

He did get granted temp custody of my daughter when a mix up occurred... .had written and emailed a request to appear by phone, wasnt processed... and I was in Default.

[ForeverDad]

First, virtually all orders allow you a certain amount of time to appeal an order.  If you lost by default, such as due to not appearing, it ought to be a relatively simple and easy matter to go to court and ask to have the order set aside.  However, you'd have to do it somewhat promptly, going in a month later would be more difficult to

Are you being too passive, too accepting, too pessimistic?  That's what I hinted at when I wrote above "someone who is so convincing, overwhelming, emotionally overpowering and slickly persuasive".  His goal is to have you become so timid you won't stand up for yourself.  That, I fear, is what he has accomplished. :'(  You have to undo that pessimism.

Frankly, you don't have a hopeless case.  All you need to do is stand up for yourself, get organized, collect together your documentation of the past, and present it in court.  It's that easy.  (Well, almost.)  It's your ex and his obstructive negativity that has you losing, giving in and giving up before you even get to court!  He may claim all he wants, but if you stand up in court with the facts, the court will have to rule on the documented evidence at hand, not his unsubstantiated claims.  (In my case, my ex lied so many times I can't count them all, she portrayed me as the worst sort of perverted child abuser to numerous agencies: court, county sheriff's office, CPS, child therapists, doctors, urgent care, children's hospital, regional abuse center, etc.  Not one told her to stop making false allegations.  They legally saw them as only "unsubstantiated", they were reluctant to call them out for what they were, lies and posturing.  But I never gave up and here I am a few years later, I morphed from alternate weekend parent to having custody.  It wasn't quick nor easy.  It was a marathon, not a sprint.  But I kept working at it and things are better now than they were before.)

Job #1:  Call the court and find out how to file something opposing that defaulted order and get it back into court so you can present your side and how/why you didn't appear due to lack of notification.  Remember, if you don't ask and try, then the order won't change.  However if you do ask and try, maybe it can get reversed or at least reopened.  You won't know until you try!

Job #1:  Mark on your calendar every date you have to make an appearance in court.  Don't miss any hearings.  If for some good reason you can't appear, then call the court and ask what to do to ask for a continuance to another date.

Job #1:  Pull yourself together and get busy organizing your documentation.

Sorry to say this so bluntly, I say this with love, kindness and firmness, but get your butt in gear and get moving!

[crystal]

I agree with everything Forever Dad wrote. And would ask you to seriously think about calling in some favors-- you need back up.  And is there any way you can afford a lawyer?  You are intimidated by Ex and dont knwo how courts work.

My ex used similar tactics on me, and my L was VERY helpful in putting his nonsense in perspective. If you really cant afford and L, keep posting here, there are lots of people with lots of experience--ForeverDad beign one of my heroes!

[momtara]

I am sorry to hear about this situation.  He is really using the courts to intimidate you.  Can you go to different lawyers and just basically ask for help?  Are there legal services or pro bono lawyers in the county that can help you?  Maybe send emails to a bunch of law firms explaining your situation?  Maybe if you fight him off, you can also get legal fees paid for by him at the end.

Don't give up!

Also, if he keeps calling CPS, that is a sign of instability.  Maybe you can get documentation that he keeps calling them for no reason?

Maybe you can get a restraining order?

[livednlearned]

Just wanted to second what FD said, and to encourage you to get a copy of Divorce Poison to help with the parental alienation. You have to deal with it swiftly, and most of us need to learn the techniques Richard Warshak writes about. Most of us try to be fair and reasonable, and that allows the poison to spread. Your ex is brainwashing the kids, but there are things you can do, and it's all in that book.

[ForeverDad]

I'm a little confused.  Are either one of the children his?  From the way you wrote, it sounded like your older child is not his, but maybe neither is his child?  It's unlikely he could take away your parental rights, especially if he is not the father and has not adopted them.

However, over time the children's wishes concerning with whom to live can become manipulated by your ex-spouse and since they are not small children anymore the courts could give some weight to the kids' wishes.  That's where the book Divorce Poison can become very helpful to reduce the risks of the children being conned into pulling away from you.

There are soo many blatant lies and I am pretty alone these days,  which makes me feel powerless to defend.

Part of the power of pwBPD (people with BPD) is that they are often so overwhelming and relentless.  It wears on a person over time.  Many members commented upon arriving here, myself included, that they were depressed or suffered anxiety.  In effect, they had PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Not that they had anything wrong with themselves.  It was not an issue with "me", it was situational anxiety or depression.

What has happened is that he has waged a war, an unfair one, to take control of the children.  Sadly, the court and the judges can only rule on the information set before them.  If he makes allegations, claims and motions and they're not refuted or opposed by you, the court will make a default judgment.  This is up to you.  The children are just that, children, they're not fully responsible for their lives yet.

You mentioned that the police came and made your daughter go with him.  Generally police don't enforce things like that in normal parental exchange disputes, without a court order specifically stating so.  Usually they just pressure the parents to give in and then tell each parent to "fix it in court".  Is that what happened?

So... .Can you get yourself to that hearing on Wednesday?  Even if the entire situation has made you feel so helpless and ineffective, can you take those little steps... .

• Look at your case as a series of smaller steps.  Take each step one at a time.  Then you won't feel so hopeless.



• Be sure to appear at each hearing.  Stand up for yourself and your children.



• If you miss a hearing, don't give up, file the court's paperwork for whatever happened to be set aside for you to appear in court.

CPS is notorious for not giving written reports.  So likely you have nothing to take to court to report how he has made many "unsubstantiated" claims to CPS in the past and all were closed.  So if you can't get them to join you at court and stand up in your defense, then go to court and ask the judge to get CPS involved, get the history of your case.

Surely you can find someone to take you to court if you don't have transportation.  We're anonymous and remote so we can't help you with that.  Please, please, start with those small steps... .Get to court for each hearing.  If you miss any hearings, call the court and find out how to get it rescheduled and undone.

[Jadedunicorn]

Thank you so much for the reply,  I am very sorry for my slow response.  I am battling a ear infection so have been sleeping too much.  I am on the mend and should be able to respond properly later today.  I can't tell you how touched I am at your helpful responses.