What hurts most - losing my ex, or fearing my Replacement?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I am looking as hard as I can at my own issues ripped free by the 15 months in a relationship with a Cluster-B boyfriend.

It hurts like hell not to have him in my life any more, but I am aware that what seems to bother me most is my Replacement.

It feels like I could cope with never having contact with him again, and even cope with knowing he is in another relationship - but just not with this particular woman, who overlapped with me by about three months, when he was telling me he wasn't in a relationship with anyone, not with her or with me, but that it was me whom he loved - just that he could not be in a relationship.

I have childhood issues of being convinced that, in any given situation, anyone, friend or boyfriend or family, will always, always prefer being in the company of anyone else to being in the company of me.

In other words, put me in a category of two, with any other person in the world, and ask a third person to pick, and they will pick the other one. Not me.

I've always liked myself - just never believed anyone else could - so it's not the usual lack of self-esteem, it's entirely a social thing to do with my perception of other people's opinions of me.

For some reason, this seems to have bound itself very very tightly up with my Replacement.

Before I blocked all contact, it was evident that my ex was already devaluing her, and that in at least two small ways he was controlling her behaviour, months faster than he did with me, so clearly he does not feel happy with her.

So why am I finding that I think more about her than of him? Am I avoiding facing the pain of losing him? Or am I genuinely more upset by the notion that over three months he had two of us dancing as he pulled the strings and that out of two people he chose the other one, not me.

Is that why I find I can face with equanimity the idea of him being with someone else after her, because that person won't have been chosen out of a category of two people including me - it won't be me that he rejects in choosing the next one?

Is this my childhood, or my adulthood, causing me pain? Pain of "they chose the other one, not me", or pain of "I have lost the man I love from my life"?

This is much less about him, and much more about me.

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

I am looking as hard as I can at my own issues ripped free by the 15 months in a relationship with a Cluster-B boyfriend.

It hurts like hell not to have him in my life any more, but I am aware that what seems to bother me most is my Replacement.

It feels like I could cope with never having contact with him again, and even cope with knowing he is in another relationship - but just not with this particular woman, who overlapped with me by about three months, when he was telling me he wasn't in a relationship with anyone, not with her or with me, but that it was me whom he loved - just that he could not be in a relationship.

I have childhood issues of being convinced that, in any given situation, anyone, friend or boyfriend or family, will always, always prefer being in the company of anyone else to being in the company of me.

In other words, put me in a category of two, with any other person in the world, and ask a third person to pick, and they will pick the other one. Not me.

I've always liked myself - just never believed anyone else could - so it's not the usual lack of self-esteem, it's entirely a social thing to do with my perception of other people's opinions of me.

For some reason, this seems to have bound itself very very tightly up with my Replacement.

Before I blocked all contact, it was evident that my ex was already devaluing her, and that in at least two small ways he was controlling her behaviour, months faster than he did with me, so clearly he does not feel happy with her.

So why am I finding that I think more about her than of him? Am I avoiding facing the pain of losing him? Or am I genuinely more upset by the notion that over three months he had two of us dancing as he pulled the strings and that out of two people he chose the other one, not me.

Is that why I find I can face with equanimity the idea of him being with someone else after her, because that person won't have been chosen out of a category of two people including me - it won't be me that he rejects in choosing the next one?

Is this my childhood, or my adulthood, causing me pain? Pain of "they chose the other one, not me", or pain of "I have lost the man I love from my life"?

This is much less about him, and much more about me.

[Ironmanrises]

First... .


His betrayal of you... .

Is what is hurting you the most.

It is like death... .

To the ego.

Plus... .

Add all the trauma... .

You experienced... .

With his disordered behavior... .

Which was only... .

Aimed at you.

And that alone... .

Becomes a mountain... .

Of pain... .

That you are left to process.

Add the betrayal... .

And that mountain... .

Has now become... .

Planet sized.

I don't know if my exUBPDgf cheated on me... .

I went NC right away... .

But I do know... .

Had I come across that... .

The pain... .

I would have to process now... .

I cannot even begin... .

To fathom.

I know you are hurting Escaped.

We are here for you.

[Accepting]

I don't know if 'he' already had a replacement or more prior to our last recycle but I know he's using online dating and very actively searching for someone else and it hurts... .a lot. It is really hard. I'm crying just writing this but I am hoping that knowing he is doing this is only benefiting the strength of my resolve to have made that last recycle the last I see of him.

Too much information, but I'm going to write it here... .I'm also waiting on my period since the last time I saw him and we slept together. Just a few more moments or days stress on top of the pain already felt. It's okay though, it will be okay. In time we will look back from far happier days I'm sure of this.

[hopealways]

This is a very relevant topic, one that I had hoped to come across and I have my answer: the fear of our replacement hurts the most.  There are 3 reasons for this:

1. The only reason we allowed ourself to be seduced by the BPD is because we never felt loved growing up (and they knew that that's why they chose us).

2. We thought finally our dream of love has come true: somebody loves us for us.

3. After their seduction phase when they realize they have us, they start the devaluation stage and betray us by leaving (or us being forced to finally say enough is enough and leave THEM) and go to their next victim but WE take that as them finding someone more loveable than us which takes us back to us feeling unloveable... .and that is precisely what has hurt us our entire life.

But I remind myself that the next victim is not someone who is more loveable, they are just part of the cycle of toxicity and destruction that the BPD goes through.  Set yourself free my friend! There is so much beauty in this world, enjoy it, seize it!  Let's all stop dwelling on these sick people.  Let's learn from this experience and move on. We will be better, much better, very soon!

[HarmKrakow]

This is a very relevant topic, one that I had hoped to come across and I have my answer: the fear of our replacement hurts the most.  There are 3 reasons for this:

1. The only reason we allowed ourself to be seduced by the BPD is because we never felt loved growing up (and they knew that that's why they chose us).

2. We thought finally our dream of love has come true: somebody loves us for us.

3. After their seduction phase when they realize they have us, they start the devaluation stage and betray us by leaving (or us being forced to finally say enough is enough and leave THEM) and go to their next victim but WE take that as them finding someone more loveable than us which takes us back to us feeling unloveable... .and that is precisely what has hurt us our entire life.

But I remind myself that the next victim is not someone who is more loveable, they are just part of the cycle of toxicity and destruction that the BPD goes through.  Set yourself free my friend! There is so much beauty in this world, enjoy it, seize it!  Let's all stop dwelling on these sick people.  Let's learn from this experience and move on. We will be better, much better, very soon!

And there is one big fat reason why fear of replacement is not the thing which hurts the most.

If I look back at the emotional sensual sexual ___storm of a rollercoaster the life with my pwBPD was, I know for a fact that there will be more casualties after me (and there were before me). Luckily it's not ME anymore who is now being emotionally abused! And I feel sorry for the next person . It's better that she found another person who she now can bully.

[hopealways]

This is a very relevant topic, one that I had hoped to come across and I have my answer: the fear of our replacement hurts the most.  There are 3 reasons for this:

1. The only reason we allowed ourself to be seduced by the BPD is because we never felt loved growing up (and they knew that that's why they chose us).

2. We thought finally our dream of love has come true: somebody loves us for us.

3. After their seduction phase when they realize they have us, they start the devaluation stage and betray us by leaving (or us being forced to finally say enough is enough and leave THEM) and go to their next victim but WE take that as them finding someone more loveable than us which takes us back to us feeling unloveable... .and that is precisely what has hurt us our entire life.

But I remind myself that the next victim is not someone who is more loveable, they are just part of the cycle of toxicity and destruction that the BPD goes through.  Set yourself free my friend! There is so much beauty in this world, enjoy it, seize it!  Let's all stop dwelling on these sick people.  Let's learn from this experience and move on. We will be better, much better, very soon!

And there is one big fat reason why fear of replacement is not the thing which hurts the most.

If I look back at the emotional sensual sexual ___storm of a rollercoaster the life with my pwBPD was, I know for a fact that there will be more casualties after me (and there were before me). Luckily it's not ME anymore who is now being emotionally abused! And I feel sorry for the next person . It's better that she found another person who she now can bully.

That's a great way to look at it too!  I can feel your empowerment, it is very inspiring. Keep looking forward my friend.  You are doing great.

[Tricky]

Nicely expressed, hopealways. That resonates with me.  

I will be devastated when my ex parades her new BF/victim in front of me, but at least it won't be me.

[hopealways]

Nicely expressed, hopealways. That resonates with me.  

I will be devastated when my ex parades her new BF/victim in front of me, but at least it won't be me.

Thank you Tricky - I know you will get to the point where even if you do run across your BPDx with someone knew you will laugh it off and feel sorry for both of them, wondering "what the hell was I thinking staying in that 'relationship'"? I truly believe that those of us who heal the right way after a BPDx fiasco relationship with therapy, time and focus on our core wounds, will be much stronger and certainly way more aware than people who have never had the 'privilege'   of having had a BPDx.

[HarmKrakow]

Nicely expressed, hopealways. That resonates with me.  

I will be devastated when my ex parades her new BF/victim in front of me, but at least it won't be me.

But why? Try to explain that to me . I admit that after the break up with my BPDex (which she did) I had a brief period of a month or 2 that I could not see the view of her with someone else but my therapist + friends + colleagues slapped that out of me. It is her(!) loss, I am free now, and email after email, call after call, more proof or her (in)sanity comes up to the water. I would feel guilty to pieces if I would ache for this feeling of pain again, although I loved this woman to pieces and definitely was my first true in depth love. They leave a path of destruction, I seriously feel sorry for the other people who they are going to hurt. And even that (which my therapist says) it's wasted energy. I'm not trying to state that the way you think about it is wrong, no no no, i'm really trying to understand the emotions and feelings behind the thought you are displaying here that you would be devastated if she would parade her new BF in front of you.

[Tricky]

Good question, HarmKrkow.

I am only 7 weeks out of the relationship and still trying to align my rational mind with my emotions, I guess. Therapy is helping this process.

Also my ex dated a well known musician a few years before we met. She said this was the only relationship she'd been in where she was dumped. (Now it's two times!) On the evening his band came to town she unexpectedly said she was going and asked me to come along with her to the gig, so that he could see her happy and with me. I didn't go, it felt too weird and childish, and I wasn't prepared to be paraded by her in that way. She went and got backstage, just to tell him about her new found happiness. Afterwards I said to her that I could imagine one day the same thing happening to me as had happened that evening to the musician. To be honest, it's not so much her having a new BF that would devastate me (he's welcome to her) it's more my prophecy coming true, and the enormity of wasting 4 more years on her after that insight.

Mmmmmm.