Being manipulated and controlled by spouse financially

[Depression = 72% of members]

After 12 years and multiple " discussions" and money inconsistencies, I'm exhausted from having random conversations on the spending of $60 for a sitter , and thousands on a trip - while watching his excessive spending with no regard for my opinion on what's important , and money should be allocated to.

It swings from wildly generous, to insanely cheap. Not frugal, he doesn't understand that word. It's such a mind game.

I finally , went out took a course and am interviewing. He is trying to connect our fields , I think thereby controlling me once again with the money I hope to earn.

While it's enticing to help get me started I'm very leery of what  that means for my future and also my independence in not having to ask for money weekly.And what kind of " claims " he' ll make on my earning power, that if it wasn't for him... .

He will most likely say that even if I dont take his help... .

It's a big and frightening step , as I do everything in the house including 100% of anything my 10 yr old needs. I wonder how I will manage to layer on yet one more major time consuming task - namely a job.

My independence, emotionally , and financially is crucial , but it's scary to be able to take more on my plate while I deal with so much .Including the demands my husband makes on me bec of his childish " take Care of me " raging , abandoning behaviour.

Has anyone else been down this path?

[Dancing1]

After 12 years and multiple " discussions" and money inconsistencies, I'm exhausted from having random conversations on the spending of $60 for a sitter , and thousands on a trip - while watching his excessive spending with no regard for my opinion on what's important , and money should be allocated to.

It swings from wildly generous, to insanely cheap. Not frugal, he doesn't understand that word. It's such a mind game.

I finally , went out took a course and am interviewing. He is trying to connect our fields , I think thereby controlling me once again with the money I hope to earn.

While it's enticing to help get me started I'm very leery of what  that means for my future and also my independence in not having to ask for money weekly.And what kind of " claims " he' ll make on my earning power, that if it wasn't for him... .

He will most likely say that even if I dont take his help... .

It's a big and frightening step , as I do everything in the house including 100% of anything my 10 yr old needs. I wonder how I will manage to layer on yet one more major time consuming task - namely a job.

My independence, emotionally , and financially is crucial , but it's scary to be able to take more on my plate while I deal with so much .Including the demands my husband makes on me bec of his childish " take Care of me " raging , abandoning behaviour.

Has anyone else been down this path?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

I think this is common, an inability to regulate life in general, not just emotions. Decisions are impulsive and then the reasons/justifications to support these behaviors are after thoughts. So it's all or nothing without any consistency.

Financial independence and responsibility is often a must for those dealing with a pwBPD, it takes a lot of stress off. Though of course achieving this is not easy as it is completely to invalidating them.

Taking credit for your success and achievements is also normal, but as long as you believe in yourself it doesn't really matter.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi to Dancing1

Your post about money is an interesting one, and resonates with my own situation, the only difference being that the tables are reversed in my relationship.

I sincerely hope that your steps to make things better for yourself first, (and then hopefully your relationship) work out for you.

Waverider

I have been following your responses to various members over the past few hours, and I really value your input and advice greatly. Thanks so much, you put everything in such a neat nutshell.

I am trying again in my relationship, despite all the scary horrible stuff that has happened in the past, I am not sure if we will make it, but money issues are one of BP's biggest hurdles in life.

He is currently homeless still, but has made great strides in applying for employment again over the past few months, I am very happy to see this happening, as I feel it is a major breakthrough. Perhaps he needed time to himself to get to this place, although it would have been nice for him to have done it in a nicer way.

Now I just have to exit every time he gets upset about how my son in law to be and my daughter spend their money, and what they have done, and hopefully there will be more permanent peace.

I am wondering if you can advise me as to what to do in a separate post, where I will try to be as brief as possible.

Thanks again for your wisdom

Roller