newbie

[Still.Learning]

Hello,

I am a newbie here, and I'm an almost 72-yr-old grandmother. I just recently realized that my 2nd daughter has all the characteristics of BPD, and has had them since the age of 15 or so. She's almost 43 now and a single mother with a daughter who just turned 16.  My relationship with my daughter has been difficult for a long time, and currently is the worst it's ever been (oddly enough, or not, because I finally drew a line in the sand about what I would not tolerate). I just started seeing a therapist because I need help sorting things out for myself, and revising the relationship with my daughter, for my granddaughter's sake in particular. They live 2000 miles away, so I can't just drop in for a chat either.

All of this has been really hard for me the past 3 months, and I'm hoping to find lots of support here and give what I can back too.

Still.Learning

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hello Still.Learning,

I'd like to welcome you to this online community 

You say your relationship with your daughter has been difficult for a long time, could you tell us a bit more about this? You say she has all the characteristics of BPD but are there any specific behaviors that really stand out?

I understand how hard the realization of having a loved one with BPD can be. Since you say your daughter has shown difficult behavior since she was 15, I was wondering if she has ever been in therapy and if so, what diagnosis did she get?

[lovesjazz]

I understand, as our BPDs is also 2000 miles away. Would help to hear some of her traits. I have a hard time knowing what is true and what is false in what hs says since he is so far away. What are you struggling with due to her BPD?

[Still.Learning]

thank you for the responses.  About my daughter:

she has various physical health issues starting from the early teens. She has had many periods of depression, as many or more periods of very high anxiety, cannot deal with conflict, responds to others with very intense emotional outbursts, has a lot of resentment toward others that goes on and on, does not accept apologies or make them, does not admit responsibility for most all personal conflicts, behaves like a teenager with her daughter, has abused alcohol heavily in the past, abuses pain meds and other classes of meds often, has ongoing issues with self-esteem and self-image (never thin enough, never the right shape, etc. etc.) Was originally diagnosed with atypical eating disorder, has since been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and bi-polar disorder. Is just as likely to respond to others with lies rather than truth even when there seems to be no reason for it (to the observer that is).  A therapist who saw me for years and her for a few  months mentioned the possibility of BPD 20 years ago, but nothing ever came of it in terms of treatment.  She was on her own after the age of 19, frequently put herself in risky situations, claims to have been raped more than once. She married, had a baby, and left the father when the baby was an infant. Refuses to go after the father for child support, although she is always struggling for money. Her relationships with men have frequently been full of turmoil, and she dumps them fairly soon. However, she has had a relationship with one man for 7-8 years, primarily I think because he is generous with financial support and she's willing to take it to get what she wants. She has never wanted to work and does not see the positive traits of having a successful career. She is  most comfortable with small children.  Currently she has 2 small poodles that she pampers and agonizes over as if they were her children, but has not done a good job of even the most basic training. 

Her relationship with me has been very close and she in past has told me a lot of stuff that isn't even my business, and does the same with her daughter. No boundaries that I can see, and doesn't respect other people's boundaries either.  She knows how to push all of my buttons when she wants something, and doesn't hesitate to do it.  At least she didn't until I broke off most communication with her 3 months ago after getting a 4 page letter that was so far beyond what I consider acceptable that I had to do something to protect myself. She's caused me much much anxiety and sadness for many years, and I stayed in her life because her daughter needed a stable figure in her life, and I made sure that I was that person. Not to say I'm perfect, far from it, but the two of us had been close for all my gd's life. Right now she's mad at me because she probably feels in the middle between her mother and me, and I understand that.

Anyway, I'm seeing a therapist for help in dealing with my own emotional issues from the past that have been stirred up by this separation and the whole daughter thing.  I am struggling to accept that I can't change my daughter and I didn't do this to her either.  Intellectually I understand, but my heart is elsewhere.

I'm learning a lot from this website and am so grateful I found it.

Right now, I take things a day at a time, and if I get a rare email from my daughter I answer carefully without opening up any of her issues. At least I try.  She is saying she misses me but can't talk on the phone yet.

She is teaching this year, after not working for 2 years, so that is something good, at least for the moment. She gets really stressed about working, so I don't know what is really going on. I am told almost nothing. It's her choice.