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Author Topic: How do you cope during night/sleep time & getting your rest?  (Read 847 times)
Jbt857
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« Reply #30 on: October 17, 2013, 04:04:22 PM »

I'd advocate against prescription drugs, simply because they don't address the issue, they just mask it.

I think maintaining a regular routine - so you wake the same time every morning, regardless of how little you slept the night before is good. Exercise helps.

I have a sound machine that plays ocean sounds. If that doesn't work, I play a meditation podcast.

I think switching off electronic devices - tv, computers etc a few hours before bed has been shown to help.

Most of all, acceptance - that sometimes sleepless nights happen (to us all) and not making a big deal of it is most useful to me. I know my body will recalibrate and make sure I get the sleep I need if I just allow it to. Try not to beat yourself up if you have a few days or even a few weeks like that. Everything should catch up and resolve itself if you allow it.

It is not so much the sleepless night per se, but also the deep sinking of emotions, endless crying, crying yourself to sleep etc, the moment it's 3/4/5AM in the morning, you are tired, but not tired enough to sleep and the tiredness awakens the (weak) emotions and thus start crying or ruminating about the past. At moments like that, I often do use a benzo, or a quick drink, or warm milk, or atleast an activity which keeps my mind 'afloat' rather than sinking without trace.

But then again, I have had nights where I didn't do anything else besides crying, cry - awake - cry - awake - cry -awake effectively sleeping 2/3/4 hours a night with drenched in tears bed Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). Those nights are (as far as i know) behind me.

I have had those nights too!

I try not to let myself ruminate. I really advocate meditation. Something to take your mind off them, by distracting yourself. Read a book maybe. If you look at a lot of healing and therapy, it's more about changing those patterns and stopping allowing those negative thoughts to manifest, so for me, meditation seems to be the thing that can help me concentrate and focus my mind elsewhere, and it gives me some release. Literally, listening to a meditation podcast is what I do when I get into bed each night. It's not an instant fix, but it certainly helps.

Stay strong and push through - we'll all get through this!

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« Reply #31 on: October 17, 2013, 04:32:21 PM »

I'd advocate against prescription drugs, simply because they don't address the issue, they just mask it.

Medication is not a magic wand! It really is only there to help the person function-help them get a good night's sleep, be able to concentrate during the day, go to work, meet their daily commitments etc.  If someone is severely depressed and can't even get out of bed in the morning, then an anti-depressant can be very effective in that situation. Doctors recommend a combination of therapy and medication for depression-research has shown that this combination leads to the best recovery rates from depression. I think this is a balanced approach.

There are also people with schizophrenia, bipolar disorder etc who need prescription drugs... I could go on.  Everyone has an opinion on this issue but at the end of the day, it's only doctors and psychiatrists who are qualified to give an opinion on this issue. They are there for a reason! Therapists are there to deal with the individual's emotional needs however I think that most psychologists would also advocate in favor of prescription drugs... anything that helps their client recover would be their motto.

I agree with you that things like exercise, meditation and relaxation techniques are helpful however I think it's good to keep an open mind to all possible solutions. Mindfulness has been clinically shown to be useful in preventing the recurrence of depression so it's certainly an important part in maintaining well-being. Where it's not so helpful is if the person is in the midst of a depressive episode-racing thoughts is a symptom of depression so the person may not be even able to concentrate on a mindfulness exercise.
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Jbt857
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« Reply #32 on: October 17, 2013, 05:37:23 PM »

Of course for serious depression or mental illness, medication is advisable.

I'm not sure where you are from, but here in the UK, the view is that in countries like the USA over medicate. I am good friends with a guy who is a very well known and respected psychologist here and it amazes him how quick to prescribe medication some therapists can be.

His opinion is that it can actually be detrimental to put people in boxes by telling them 'yes, you're suffering from depression' when the reality is that they are certainly going through a rough time in their life, but those rough times, sleepless nights, etc are actually part of life for us all, and by giving them that label, psychologically they are more likely to think of themselves in that way, and it kind of self-perpetuates. (I'm not talking schizophrenia here, just depression.)

I totally agree that it's a hugely personal decision and that of course professional help should be sought for ongoing or extreme circumstances on a per-individual basis, but personally, it would be a last resort for me. But, as you rightly say, I'm not qualified in anything other than making that choice for myself. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #33 on: October 17, 2013, 11:13:21 PM »

I couldn't sleep next to her at all, and I think it is because I just didn't trust her so I was always on alert.  I was walking on eggshells even during my sleep.

Same here.  I didn't trust her even when I was asleep either.  She told me she had pulled knives on people when they were sleeping and held them to their private parts.  Yikes! 

The first time I slept over she actually asked me if I was going to kill her in her sleep. What was I supposed to say to that, yes?

Another time I woke up and my credit card was missing (she's a kleptomaniac).  I guess she wanted a souvenir from me.   
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« Reply #34 on: October 17, 2013, 11:15:16 PM »

It wasn't so much "eating the pain" that I was trying to convey but accepting the pain for what it is and trying to get your head around the fact that it may never go away completely.  That's REALLY FREAKING hard.  I work on it every day and probably will every day the rest of my life.  I've come to accept that I'm just going to live with the pain and I won't have the "normal" life like most others.  She ripped away my dream of a nuclear family.  She destroyed the model of a "mother" for our kids that damn near everyone else has.  A lot of the pain I feel is for them.  I never wanted them to have to live without a real mother.  Just last night my daughter said "No one will ever meet mom".   She was serious.  She is that ashamed of her and I don't blame her.  She's all but an honest to God crack whore now and I'm not being cruel, just stating facts.  Try getting ANYONE to relate to THAT!  Those of us on this forum can but damn near no one else.  We're not left with any other choice but to push on.  It's what we do.
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« Reply #35 on: October 17, 2013, 11:22:55 PM »

I have tried

-melatonine

-mirtazepine

-temazepam

-oxazepam

-valium

-sleep herbs

-alcohol (work always ... but emotional hangover the day after :D)

-warm milk

-walk before sleeping...

I stay up late and exhaust myself completely before going to bed.  I also take Ambien which helps. 

I had horrible nightmares in my sleep every night for 30 years until I got on medication which for the most part took them away.

The last nightmare I had was when I was sleeping next to my BPDx.  A giagantic shark came straight down on me and bit me in half.  That's essentially what she did to me in real life.  My nightmare came true.
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« Reply #36 on: October 18, 2013, 03:11:47 AM »

It wasn't so much "eating the pain" that I was trying to convey but accepting the pain for what it is and trying to get your head around the fact that it may never go away completely.  That's REALLY FREAKING hard.  I work on it every day and probably will every day the rest of my life.  I've come to accept that I'm just going to live with the pain and I won't have the "normal" life like most others.  She ripped away my dream of a nuclear family.  She destroyed the model of a "mother" for our kids that damn near everyone else has.  A lot of the pain I feel is for them.  I never wanted them to have to live without a real mother.  Just last night my daughter said "No one will ever meet mom".   She was serious.  She is that ashamed of her and I don't blame her.  She's all but an honest to God crack whore now and I'm not being cruel, just stating facts.  Try getting ANYONE to relate to THAT!  Those of us on this forum can but damn near no one else.  We're not left with any other choice but to push on.  It's what we do.

It's such a shame, but you are so right.  :'(
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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #37 on: October 18, 2013, 03:14:04 AM »

I have tried

-melatonine

-mirtazepine

-temazepam

-oxazepam

-valium

-sleep herbs

-alcohol (work always ... but emotional hangover the day after :D)

-warm milk

-walk before sleeping...

I stay up late and exhaust myself completely before going to bed.  I also take Ambien which helps. 

I had horrible nightmares in my sleep every night for 30 years until I got on medication which for the most part took them away.

The last nightmare I had was when I was sleeping next to my BPDx.  A giagantic shark came straight down on me and bit me in half.  That's essentially what she did to me in real life.  My nightmare came true.

I gotten nightmares after i broke up with my ex, although admittedly I also didn't sleep when I was with my ex in 1 bed for the last moments of the relationship.

Fact of the matter is, if I purely exhaust myself, well, my daily rhythm will be a mess. Bills need to be paid, a career needs to be worked on, etc.
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« Reply #38 on: October 18, 2013, 03:25:40 AM »

I went through a week or two of nightmares when I went NC and they still come back if I find myself ruminating or if he makes contact. Also woken up in terrible pain from grinding my teeth - thankfully not often.

I've found these things go away eventually, but it's no fun going through them at the time.
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« Reply #39 on: October 18, 2013, 04:18:07 AM »

Hi Harm

I agree with you, Tv or broadcast playing are plasters... .sometimes we are in need of them. If we cut ourselves in the kitchen, we put a plaster on.   

I would prefer the TV/warm milk/herbes over pills or alcohol. Just bc the latter 2 are infecting the whole body system much more. So this one could be a first goal: I try to do it without the heavy ones.

The other thing is: What about the sleep disturbers like coffee, redbull, tea, to much work on a screen, head-body not in balance or others?
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« Reply #40 on: October 18, 2013, 05:25:29 AM »

Hi Harm

I agree with you, Tv or broadcast playing are plasters... .sometimes we are in need of them. If we cut ourselves in the kitchen, we put a plaster on.   

I would prefer the TV/warm milk/herbes over pills or alcohol. Just bc the latter 2 are infecting the whole body system much more. So this one could be a first goal: I try to do it without the heavy ones.

The other thing is: What about the sleep disturbers like coffee, redbull, tea, to much work on a screen, head-body not in balance or others?



I have cut down on coffee (Don't remember the last time I had it), I don't drink redbull but I do from time to time (in the morning(!)) drink a specialized (little) energy drank. Other than that I eat ginseng tablets. I know I do to much work on the screen, I wish that wasn't necessary at all but in my field of expertise (finance/math) it's a constant "watching" moment.

The thing is, I do believe that every person on earth, has something they most fit in with. Whether that is chess, a house mother, being a football player doesn't matter. Everyone has a certain amount of skill and characteristic where they fit the most. I have that in (quantitative) banking. Unfortunately job wise, this does mean that I work on general more hours than the average person (thus sleeping less) and have more responsibility (thus more stress) etc. Therefore I am already more vulnerable to screwed up nights of sleep, many of my colleagues have sleeping issues.

I sometimes truly hate the fact that I have the typical character who looks for a permanent fix and refuses to accept things that might be put in my rucksack for 20 years to come. The constant talking from psychologists, therapists, shrinks, etc. that I've come a fantastic way, I should be really proud of what I have achieved and the majority of people who would have been in my shoes would probably have been homeless drug alcoholics etc. But that sort of information is not helping me, here, right now, as of this moment. Having no family base at all, and no ground to touch base at is so exhausting. Everyone around me has a mum, or a dad, or at least a 'former youth mentor, in the sense of a teacher, or a therapist when they were younger, or a friend in that sense. I don't have that.

Therefore also in trying to solve my sleeping problem I do everything, step by step, the entire shabang, the list from A-Z. And some work, some don't. Ah well, I didn't even know where I was going with this post, just a frustrating kind of post. I'm just fed up with a lot of stuff.
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« Reply #41 on: October 18, 2013, 06:10:21 AM »

a very useful thread.

my d-day was less than 4 months ago, so i'm still in the throes. every day i wake up and have to say to myself, yes this is really happening. my sleep reduced to 4 or 5 hours a night, and i woke up with my heart thumping, and i couldn't keep doing that, so the psychiatrist put me on trazodone, which is very safe and can be taken in just about any dosage you need. i've also cut out all salt, and have reduced my coffee to one a day, about an hour after i get up.

The constant talking from psychologists, therapists, shrinks, etc. that I've come a fantastic way, I should be really proud of what I have achieved and the majority of people who would have been in my shoes would probably have been homeless drug alcoholics etc. But that sort of information is not helping me, here, right now, as of this moment. Having no family base at all, and no ground to touch base at is so exhausting. Everyone around me has a mum, or a dad, or at least a 'former youth mentor, in the sense of a teacher, or a therapist when they were younger, or a friend in that sense. I don't have that.

neither do i, harm, so i strongly sympathize with your situation. i was emotionally deeply invested in my marriage and that was taken away in an instant. i have no siblings, aunts, uncles, or kids, my cousins are in another country, my father's gone and my mother is unwell. i have had to call on old friendships, which thank god i was able to do. i've used Samaritans (.org) and that has been a great help. i too have had the 'you're doing amazingly' talk from the therapist and i too have responded 'that's not enough, right now.' but this board helps!
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« Reply #42 on: October 18, 2013, 06:12:48 AM »

I havent slept properly for almost a year since my ex BPD girlfriend tried to commit suicide. I use zopiclone sleeping tablets strategically, ie when i really need to get some sleep, otherwise if i get 2 hours I am lucky. I have found mindfullness meditation can help, but in reality I am hoping that time will do the healing however long that will take. Good luck
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« Reply #43 on: October 18, 2013, 08:28:29 AM »

Harm,

I think you are on to something very important: The feeling of safe ground under your feet and being connected with others. Missing a family - I can relate with it. I have one - but not many healthy connections there.

What I am a bit surprised: With all the therapists and psychologists, do you had never the experience of a paternal energy, like "if I could choose a father again, I would choose my T xy" ?

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« Reply #44 on: October 18, 2013, 09:58:07 AM »

Harm,

I think you are on to something very important: The feeling of safe ground under your feet and being connected with others. Missing a family - I can relate with it. I have one - but not many healthy connections there.

What I am a bit surprised: With all the therapists and psychologists, do you had never the experience of a paternal energy, like "if I could choose a father again, I would choose my T xy" ?

I only have 1 connection with my family, that's just my father, and we (both) are trying to keep that mutually for the benefit of both of us. We have pulled each other down on occasions and lifted each other, but as it's the last line among family members, I do not want to lose him. All the others (as the therapists says) are sort of the foundation why I feel crap now (and that part of the family still complains about me :D)...   I broke off all full contact with everyone of my family since Christmas 2012 besides my father. Good choice? Yes sir!

The fact that I never felt home anywhere really blows, because the majority of people still at least have felt that feeling of having a base to touch ground with. A safe haven. I never had that. I felt i was swimming since the moment I was born. No brothers, no sisters, no friends longer than a few years at primary or secondary school because I was constantly moved around.

The BPD-experience was the very first time in my life where I truly felt a place of 'home'. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

I admit that over the years, there have been a few elderly guys, mid40s, who acted more as mentor for me. They saw my potential, they understood my issues, and they were a nice foot behind the door the moment I would slip down. They would polish me when necessary and they would kick me when needed but also listen when I would cry. That sounds a whole lot like what a father would do no? But I lost contact with most during/after my r/s with my BPD because most of my social connections went completely to a stop when I was with my ex to realize that after my ex, the ex was gone and the majority of social contacts where gone.

I never had a truly deep connection with any of my therapists as any longing for them to be my father. However, I do have a life time longing for any sense of family, community or something where I could go home and feel safe with. I just moved places to a new studio but that's a bed with a roof. That's how it feels. I do things because I know a man of my experience, age, and education should do these things but I don't feel any true motivation behind it to do it. It sucks up all the good energy out of me, and what do you want to do then? ...

You want to go to a shoulder where you can cry on, maybe not even cry but to at least rest on. I long and ache for that feeling(!)

I have very distorted feelings about christmas, or any other national holiday, because for me, now when I'm older they shout out the feeling of togetherness, but I as a younger person and now as an adult have never witnessed that. When I was younger I couldn't give a rat's ass being alone on christmas. I would play a video game, or I would watch a movie. Something like that. Now? ... last christmas I was puking and crying constantly, non-stop during christmas days. It was pure horror.
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« Reply #45 on: October 18, 2013, 01:37:12 PM »

Yes, Christmas is the ultimate challenge for unhealthy family/social situations... .

About the mentor men, you lost contact: Is there any possibility to renew this contacts?

Or did you back down for some reasons?

I think you need more people around you.

I have both, father and mother, but it helped me a lot to develop my own pictures of a mother and a father... .my archetypes or dream parents. I found them in films, in books, sometimes in real life. They are very important for me now.

Harm, one other thing: You have a lot of sisters and brothers here. 
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« Reply #46 on: October 18, 2013, 03:10:13 PM »

Yes, Christmas is the ultimate challenge for unhealthy family/social situations... .

About the mentor men, you lost contact: Is there any possibility to renew this contacts?

Or did you back down for some reasons?

I think you need more people around you.

I have both, father and mother, but it helped me a lot to develop my own pictures of a mother and a father... .my archetypes or dream parents. I found them in films, in books, sometimes in real life. They are very important for me now.

Harm, one other thing: You have a lot of sisters and brothers here.  

I do need more people around me. I do. I don't know anyone here at the moment and I only moved to this town to be closer to my university city and finish my degree. If i don't finish that exam this monday, i got another 9 months of nothingness in this town.

The issue being, New York and London are both pulling on me to start working there (When I graduate... ) 7 months of nothingness is going to be a problem, also identified by my therapist.

I do see her as a bit of a mentor figure in a little way. She told me after a few months of absence to get back here to see the progress I made fact-wise. I have made, i think we can all agree on that. Months ago I was a disaster. Now there is more stability. But with christmas coming up, winter months, this board is needed once again in my recovery :D
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« Reply #47 on: October 18, 2013, 06:34:36 PM »

The last nightmare I had was when I was sleeping next to my BPDx.  A giagantic shark came straight down on me and bit me in half.  That's essentially what she did to me in real life.  My nightmare came true.

oh my gosh, what a terrible dream!  but so prophetic, eh?

and reading what you wrote jarred a memory loose for me.  i once dreamed that i was petting a german shepherd and it started to growl and gnarl and bare teeth to me!  i grew more and more afraid it was gonna attack me, bite me, hurt me, kill me?  i was really terrified - i started talking to it, trying to soothe it and guess what it's name was?  yep, xBPDgf!  that was the first time my subconscious got thru to me that she might be truly dangerous and i might truly get hurt bad.  and she was.  and i did.

in general, i can't count how many nights i woke up crying.  just sobbing uncontrollably.  couldn't remember the details but they almost always involved xBPDgf somehow someway.
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« Reply #48 on: October 18, 2013, 09:05:45 PM »

The last nightmare I had was when I was sleeping next to my BPDx.  A giagantic shark came straight down on me and bit me in half.  That's essentially what she did to me in real life.  My nightmare came true.

oh my gosh, what a terrible dream!  but so prophetic, eh?

Yes it was a terrible dream, just like yours was about the German Shepherd.  It all clicks together when you look back on it.

I forgot about another nightmare I had when I was sleeping next to her.  It was even worse! 

The nightmare:  I went back to the house I grew up in.  It was empty.  I moved into the house with the few possessions that I owned and they only took up a single room.  I thought the house had been abandoned and was safe to stay in, but all of sudden the owners came home.  Fear shot through me!  I was an intruder and in a place I did not belong!  One of the owners, a man, walked into the room and gave me a dirty look.  He mumbled something about how I shouldn't be there and then left through a side door.  I wanted to escape as fast as I could so I ran out the front door.  Waiting for me was a huge crowd, including a female photographer and a reporter who had big smiles on their faces.  They couldn't wait to bust me!  They knew I had nowhere to run and nowhere to hide.  I was an easy target.  The photographer tried to take my picture and I blocked her.  I became so enraged at their smug, smiling faces that I stomped them both into a small cardboard box until there was nothing left of them.  I couldn't believe I had done that!  The other owner, an older woman, came outside and told me I had to take my stuff and get out now!  I told her I had no money to rent a van to move my stuff and that I had no place to go.  She went back into the house, and came back out with $300.  That was just enough to rent a van and a storage unit, but not enough for anything else.  I felt so lonely and abandoned.  I had no place to go, nobody in my life and no future. 

I woke up deeply disturbed by this dream.  It made me feel like I really was going to end up alone in life, with nowhere to go and no future.  I felt terrified.  I started to cry.  I woke up my ex and told her I had a horrible dream and needed to talk about it.  She was not interested.  Without even moving a muscle she told me she was going back to sleep.  I told her again that I really needed to talk about it, but she didn't care.  That's what upset me, not that she wanted to sleep, but that she didn't care I was in distress.     

I ran into the other room and burst into tears.  I did my best to mute my heavy sobs into some couch pillows so she wouldn't hear me crying.  I cried so long and so hard that eventually she got up and came into the room.  She said, "Are you beside yourself?"  I said, "Yes."  She said, "I'm trying to sleep."  Then she turned around, went back into the bedroom and closed the door.

Now I am empty and alone.  I feel like I have no future.  She is gone and as she was discarding me she said the words, "I do not care about you."  I already knew that.  Her actions had told me that loud and clear.
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« Reply #49 on: October 18, 2013, 11:19:48 PM »

It wasn't so much "eating the pain" that I was trying to convey but accepting the pain for what it is and trying to get your head around the fact that it may never go away completely.  That's REALLY FREAKING hard.  I work on it every day and probably will every day the rest of my life.  I've come to accept that I'm just going to live with the pain and I won't have the "normal" life like most others.  She ripped away my dream of a nuclear family.  She destroyed the model of a "mother" for our kids that damn near everyone else has.  A lot of the pain I feel is for them.  I never wanted them to have to live without a real mother.  Just last night my daughter said "No one will ever meet mom".   She was serious.  She is that ashamed of her and I don't blame her.  She's all but an honest to God crack whore now and I'm not being cruel, just stating facts.  Try getting ANYONE to relate to THAT!  Those of us on this forum can but damn near no one else.  We're not left with any other choice but to push on.  It's what we do.

Imstronghere2,

This is so much of my feelings. A lot of the pain I feel for my kids. Especially towards my little one, the son of my BPDex. He has already managed to lie and destroy his hope with just one sentence and then not holding his promise but run of and do drugs and hook up with a prostitute. Many questions when I have hard to sleep is about the smaller ones, how could I let someone in so far? Letting it go so far with kids? I mean I have a kid from before... .so how sdid I even get involved?

I believe the word WHY in one sence is good to move on to slepp, who am I in this, why did it happen to me, insted of ruminating what was. Meanwhile that can cause even more pain, so its a fine balance... .My problem is not so much to fall asleep, but to awake in sweat only one or tvo hours later.

I also suffer from PTSD from have lived with my ex. during 4 years... Since how long have you had that diagnose? What do they do to help you?

Hang in there... .think about your kids. They are healing, cause you need to heal for them. I am far from it, but taking my first steps. You seem further on. Congratulations and keep on hang in there.

LaSuede
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« Reply #50 on: November 26, 2013, 09:18:27 AM »

Don't let it scare you that seroquel is a drug primarily used for Schizophrenia. It has other beneficial qualities and doctors will prescribe it for sleep disorders too.

seroquel is primarily used for bi-polar disorder. 

It is also used as a sleep aid for people who are depressed.  Being cool (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #51 on: November 26, 2013, 11:43:01 AM »

I was wondering how you guys have been able to keep your rest? Get your sleep? Can you sleep? Do you cry before you go to bed? Do you cry yourself to sleep?

i've cried oceans but it doesn't put me to sleep.

ambien for insomnia, klonopin for anxiety.  even with that, i still don't sleep solid at night.

i know about Sleep Hygiene and i try to stick with it but i can't.  can't keep to a schedule, can't stay focused.  in the sleep dept, i am miserable!
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Tryingnottoslip

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« Reply #52 on: November 26, 2013, 11:51:46 AM »

I read and read. I teach my self new things at night. I'm a nightowl so many nights it's just me and my thoughts which have obviously been deterimental to me.

Read random things. I love reading about deep ocean exploration and scuba diving. I also try to teach/ learn new words every day in german for fun. It helps tire my mind at night to a point where I an just go to bed and fall dead asleep.

This may sound weird but I listen to hypnosis/ relaxation videos on youtube when I go to bed as well. Puts me to bed.
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Pretty Woman
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« Reply #53 on: November 26, 2013, 12:15:53 PM »

My sleep patterns suck. I have been going to bed too early to avoid thinking about things and waking up at 2-3am going on this website.

Sometimes I feel I am obsessed with this website. Like all of a sudden it is going to tell me something I don't already know and miraculously "fix" my ex.

Worst thing for me are nightmares. Last night I dreamt about Rhianna and Chris Brown only I was Chris Brown. It was a violent dream and I woke up in a puddle of sweat. The irony is Chris Brown is BPD.

So weird and scary.
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« Reply #54 on: November 26, 2013, 02:06:40 PM »

Harm I was reading your post and I stumbled onto what you wrote

I only have 1 connection with my family, that's just my father, and we (both) are trying to keep that mutually for the benefit of both of us. We have pulled each other down on occasions and lifted each other, but as it's the last line among family members, I do not want to lose him. All the others (as the therapists says) are sort of the foundation why I feel crap now (and that part of the family still complains about me :D)...   I broke off all full contact with everyone of my family since Christmas 2012 besides my father. Good choice? Yes sir!

The fact that I never felt home anywhere really blows, because the majority of people still at least have felt that feeling of having a base to touch ground with. A safe haven. I never had that. I felt i was swimming since the moment I was born. No brothers, no sisters, no friends longer than a few years at primary or secondary school because I was constantly moved around.

The BPD-experience was the very first time in my life where I truly felt a place of 'home'. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

I admit that over the years, there have been a few elderly guys, mid40s, who acted more as mentor for me. They saw my potential, they understood my issues, and they were a nice foot behind the door the moment I would slip down. They would polish me when necessary and they would kick me when needed but also listen when I would cry. That sounds a whole lot like what a father would do no? But I lost contact with most during/after my r/s with my BPD because most of my social connections went completely to a stop when I was with my ex to realize that after my ex, the ex was gone and the majority of social contacts where gone.

I never had a truly deep connection with any of my therapists as any longing for them to be my father. However, I do have a life time longing for any sense of family, community or something where I could go home and feel safe with. I just moved places to a new studio but that's a bed with a roof. That's how it feels. I do things because I know a man of my experience, age, and education should do these things but I don't feel any true motivation behind it to do it. It sucks up all the good energy out of me, and what do you want to do then? ...

You want to go to a shoulder where you can cry on, maybe not even cry but to at least rest on. I long and ache for that feeling(!)

I have very distorted feelings about christmas, or any other national holiday, because for me, now when I'm older they shout out the feeling of togetherness, but I as a younger person and now as an adult have never witnessed that. When I was younger I couldn't give a rat's ass being alone on christmas. I would play a video game, or I would watch a movie. Something like that. Now? ... last christmas I was puking and crying constantly, non-stop during christmas days. It was pure horror.

I come to realize despite all this crap, just how beautiful and fortuante I am to be alive. I will have a good life. I will move forward. I will have a family one day. Why not? the only thing stopping me is ME.

We are here on this planet, if we are fortuante enough, for several decades and that's it. I know we owe it to ourselves to strive, to squeeze as much life out of those years.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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ucmeicu2
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« Reply #55 on: November 26, 2013, 04:38:35 PM »

Worst thing for me are nightmares. Last night I dreamt about Rhianna and Chris Brown only I was Chris Brown. It was a violent dream and I woke up in a puddle of sweat. The irony is Chris Brown is BPD.

So weird and scary.

reading her lyrics i'd say rihanna is the one that's BPD.  at the very least it sounds like she loves very deep and hard... .and has trouble detaching. 

sorry for the nightmares 

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« Reply #56 on: November 26, 2013, 09:13:47 PM »

I get into bed bout 11.30 pm

Ruminate till 12.30 ish

Get up, have a smoke

Lay in bed till 1ish

Fall asleep god knows when

Get up at 6 straight into the shower feeln like arse.
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Calm Waters
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« Reply #57 on: November 27, 2013, 03:55:42 AM »

Sleep?, well I have l almost given up on it, the latest is that my older brother by 9 years who was the only sane and consistent factor whilst I was growing up has what appears to be lung cancer. He has had prostate cancer in the past twice and it looks like it has metastasized to his lung. He's 64 and not in great shape having been a carer for his partner who developed Parkinsons then dementia after her son committed suicide 25 years ago. On top of this my sister in law is in the final stages of terminal cancer, thats my wife's sister, she used to be married to my best friend, they had a very acrimonious divorce 10 years ago that drove a wedge through the family. Also my BPD mother is very ill, 86 house bound, incontinent deaf and disabled. My Dad NPD arse 'looks after' her, he is 91 and a selfish git who cant boil an egg! Luckily my son 26 who was suicidal this time last year now seems ok, and I haven't seen or heard of my BPD/NPD/Counter dependant ex who nearly succeeded in committing suicide this time last year. What is it about me? or is it just life as a child of BPD parents? Drama all the way, ... .
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« Reply #58 on: November 27, 2013, 04:28:43 AM »

holy moly, calmwaters, i'm sorry for your situation. that's appalling. we're about the same age so big props to you for bearing up under it.
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« Reply #59 on: November 27, 2013, 04:36:28 AM »

Simply,i don't sleep... .i passed through some months sleeping 3 hours every night... .after hours spent thinking in the bed... .and i have a pretty heavy work 10hrs a day... .never tried or wanted to try sleeping pills or stuff like that... .don't want to become addicted to nothing... .i prefer to face problems with lucidity,pills would just mask the problem talking about my situation... .now after some months is way better... .i just wake up a copuple of hours earlier than my "wake up ringtone".

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