Leaving/Survival Kit of rexit plan

[Cipher13]

Recently I have seen a lot of converstion about have an emerency bag packed for a quick exit. Or setting up an exit plan in case an exit is needed.

What does this look like? What is needed. How do you put this together without them knowing. Because if they knew what you are up to... .you have a "rage a comin".

I'd like to get some help for those that did have something in place and what it looked like. And also form those that didn't but looking back wished they had.

I want this not just for myself but think it might help others especially if they feel trapped without having a plan.

[Grey Kitty]

I thought we had a link around here somewhere, but I couldn't find it. There is probably something in here for you:

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Men

This is a more comprehensive document promoted here on bpdfamily, but it includes something too:

Safety First

The main thing is think about what you need to just get away for a while, and make sure you have access to them in a way which is hard/impossible for her to block.

• Transportation -- Your car, not blocked in by hers, not out of gas.



• Money -- cash and a credit card (do you have one in your name only?)



• House and car keys



• Communications -- Your phone, perhaps a way to charge it. (car charger?)



• A plan on where to go: Do you have a friend or family member you can see on short notice? A motel room for the night?



• If you need a toothbrush, razor, change of clothes, etc, you can try to stash it someplace, or just be prepared to buy a set of things if you need them.

I recall somebody mentioning hiding a few things in a black garbage bag with the spare tire in their trunk.

What specific threats or safety issues are you concerned with?

[Waddams]

I kept a black garbage bag under the spare tire in the trunk.  Eventually she even found that.  Still not sure what I think of having to deal with her rifling through the car trunk and looking in the compartment under the spare tire.  The fact that I had an escape kit plus the fact she was actually trying to find stuff like that so she could make sure I couldn't escape her rants and rages = a whole of crazy making.

Anyway, my kit had:

-Travel toiletries - shaving razor, travel sized shampoo, soap, deodorant, tooth paste, tooth brush, comb, etc.

-Clothes - 1 spare set for work (I work in a professional office), and 1 spare set of casual clothes (shorts/t-shirt), and packets of underwear/socks/etc.

-Spare shoes

-Spare debit card to an account that was in my name only.

-$250 cash

-Printed out list of important phone numbers - friends/family/lawyer/non-emergency police line/etc.  In these days of cell phone address books, I never memorize phone numbers anymore.

-1 bath towel - my office has a big shower.  If nothing else, I could use it if I needed while sacking out on an office couch, but we need towels as there's no maid service!

I had actual hard goods because if I had to bug out quick at 3 am in my boxers because she woke up and decided to go berserk, I wanted to be able to get dressed decent.  Not much open at 3 am that you could go in to get new clothes while just wearing boxers!

Basically I had everything I needed for one night's emergency escape whether it was on a workday or weekend.

What I wish I had also put in there:

-Copies of sensitive documents - legal stuff.  When I bugged out the final time, she went through my stuff and gave all my legal documentation from a custody case with an ex-wife (different from BPDxgf) to said ex-wife.  I had other PDF backups luckily on my work PC hard drive, but that was lucky.

-Sensitive documents about identity.  Passport, birth cert, SSN card, etc.  When I went back home after the night I bugged out, I found that stuff had been pulled out of where I keep it and was strewn all over my room.  She didn't take it, but for some reason had rifled through everything I owned and could have had she chosen to.  It's easy enough to hide that stuff in a pocket and smuggle it out to safe places.

It would also probably be good to drop a disposable or pre-paid phone in there.  My last incident actually happened when I was work (she called, went berserk, and I refused to go home) so I had my phone, but if she had done it when I was at home, I might not have had time to round up all my things before I left.

Just writing all this out, it sounds so crazy.  Amazing that any of us allowed ourselves to live in situations where such steps became necessary. 

[Cipher13]

Thanks to both of you for sharing.  I can put some of that together. The situation I allowed to create will make alot of that very difficult. Maybe not impossible but very difficult. Everything we or I purchase is via debit card. Its totallt tracked ad she does the banking records. She sees everything and will question the slightest inconsitancy. I have kept cash before but it neve amount more that $10 to $15 dollars and those were rare occations when we actuall pulled cashout and I skimped a $1 hear or there saying it cost x amoutn whe it was really y.  Hmm thats a sad thought right there... .  I have a very small wardrob of clothes. I do not tend to think i need much of anyhting until it practicall unusable. Since i buy all the grocceries I thing I can add an extra toiletry here and there for a stash.  All money and bank stuff is in joint account. Again she has eyes on this and since we don't have a lot in there any littl ebit that goes missing will through up flags.

As far as aplace to go... .Nope nothing. If it came to it Iwoul dlive out of my car for a few days. That going to be increasingly less enjoyable as winter aproaches. Weekends I have family at a great distance but its something.  Again thank you this is very helpful.

[Grey Kitty]

Sounds like you have some homework to do, especially on the money area.

Do you have a trusted friend/family member whose address you can use to open an account in just your own name? I'm guessing that renting a P.O. Box would send you down the same rabbit hole.

Just opening an account in your name (you don't need much $$$ to open an account) and getting a credit card in your name for emergencies would be a good start, but having them come to your home address sounds like a bad idea.

I hate to suggest sneaking/cheating, but you can get some cash back from the grocery store via debit card, although it does show up on the receipt.

My other suggestion for you:

Work on developing local friends you can trust--so you do have some help/resources should the !#@$! hit the fan.

[GreenMango]

Open a second bank account in your name only.  Then have your direct deposit divert a set amount into it.  If she asks you can say you are participating in a retirement or some kind of investment program thru work.  Enough said and if she asks to see it stall.  It's a rainy day fund .

You are entitled to a portion of your disposable income.  But you've gotta feel that and secure enough personally to stand up for yourself.

Does she run her disposable income purchases with you? Hair nails clothes?  Every woman has something like these expenses - I have them we all do.  You are entitled to your expenses too.

[Cipher13]

Does she run her disposable income purchases with you? Hair nails clothes?  Every woman has something like these expenses - I have them we all do.  You are entitled to your expenses too.

Yes she has these. She doesn't go bonkers on these and has never. However no I do not have any personal spending. Never had that. In the begingin we never had a dime to spare.   Thanks for all the suggestions. They are very helpful.

[Waddams]

Open a second bank account in your name only.  Then have your direct deposit divert a set amount into it.  If she asks you can say you are participating in a retirement or some kind of investment program thru work.  Enough said and if she asks to see it stall.  It's a rainy day fund .

You are entitled to a portion of your disposable income.  But you've gotta feel that and secure enough personally to stand up for yourself.

No need to tell her anything about retirement deposits, etc., especially if not true, in my opinion.  Just politely tell her you want your own account for your own spending money.  It's Cipher's check, he can do this if he wants.  She'll likely object, but this is part of putting healthy boundaries in place, whether or not the relationship survives or not.