Feeling lost after BPD breakup

[AnotherJohn]

I really do not know where to begin. Our relationship seemed amazing. It was fueled by love and passion. We quickly became best friends and lovers. With only one problem, when she drank she became very violent. To the point of me having to move out after a violent episode. But even after my now ex BPD gf attempted to physically harm me I laid with her in bed and pulled her close. I know her childhood was traumatic and I wanted her to know hat I still love her. The next morning she insisted that I move out and I did. But the following week after me emailing her, calling, and texting, and then one night after she was drinking she asked me to pick her up. When I did she was mad that I was there picking her. But somehow we rekindled our love. We then moved to another home in another city away from the influence of drinking and nightlife. She had left everything that her and her friends did... her friends only influenced her to party and drink. I honestly do not believe they knew of her BPD condition at all. We spent about 3 months at our new place. The last three weeks she spent picking fights with me over meaningless things that I did not understand. She would start yelling and honestly I would just shut down and not say anything as to avoid a fight with her. Anything I said was wrong and I had no desire to get into a fight with her at all. Her yelling at me everyday put a barrier between us. It made it very difficult for me to be intimate with her or be the loving man that I am. Now about a week ago, I picked her up from work told her that she looked very beautiful, asked her how her day was, and I also had a great night with dinner out and a movie planned. I really missed her so much and couldn't wait to see her. She then begin yelling about a situation of money that she went through when her and I were not together or even in contact. I calmy asked why she was saying this? She then said I'm moving out take me to uhaul. I was hysterical but I did. I was mad, said things I didn't mean. But after I dropped her off I called her twice and calmy asked if she was sure... her reply killed me. She said yes I'm sure. She came home packed her things as I cried outside and she was gone. I haven't heard from her since. I then found out a couple days later that she moved in with a very much older guy who let her use his car, he has a house with a pool in the yard, and the home also sits on a canal where he leaves his boat. I've been trying to contact her leaving voicemails, texts, emails, everything. Saying that we could fix this, that's I love her and I'm in love with her, that if she needs help coming home that I would help her, I told her that I was sorry. I even said that we should go to counseling together. And no reply at all. It looks like I've been split black now. She's gone. And I'm left completely depressed. My/her closets are empty... there's still items that she left behind, and memories are hurting me badly. I constantly replay situations in my mind and wish I had replied differently or did something differently. No one that I speak to understands her condition. Not even her friends know of it. And that breaks my heart even more. She doesn't go to treatment or take medication to help. I feel like mAybe I should have loved her more. I'm feeling very lost and as if she never loved me. I'm crushed.

[hopealways]

Welcome to the world of the aftermath of a BPD relationship.  Do NOT try to make sense of her, there is no rationality in their behavior, she has a mental illness, accept that fact, and focus on healing yourself.  Time will heal you: she will NOT.

You are not the first person she has done this to.  She has lied to you about the reason behind her prior breakups. They all ended the same way.  The future ones will also end the same way. Consider yourself lucky, my friend.  Run.

[samthewiss]

i feel your pain. What you are going through is what we all experienced. perhaps if you understood what was really going on in the relationship you might be able to heal faster.

I included a link

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=211683.0

View

Reply #2 on: Today at 12:20:17 PM »

[AnotherJohn]

Welcome to the world of the aftermath of a BPD relationship.  Do NOT try to make sense of her, there is no rationality in their behavior, she has a mental illness, accept that fact, and focus on healing yourself.  Time will heal you: she will NOT.

You are not the first person she has done this to.  She has lied to you about the reason behind her prior breakups. They all ended the same way.  The future ones will also end the same way. Consider yourself lucky, my friend.  Run.

Thank you for the reply. I know many people have gotten through this situation before and I honestly feel so pathetic that I'm so depressed and my mind can't seem to work toward "getting better". Since we broke up ill now have a dream with her in it and I'll wake up feeling  very sad that she's not there. Then as the day goes on I'm thinking of her and I'm more concerned that she will go back to her old unhealthy lifestyle which included working at gentlemans clubs or having sugar daddy's. Since her and I got together she was away from all of those things, working toward a real career and becoming a woman that is respected by everyone. Instead her "friends" see that she appears to be doing "ok" and they say "good job you're doing great". But they have no idea why she's doing well. For instance now she's driving this guys land rover and calling it here and her friends completely encourage her instead of saying "why do you want to allow yourself to be used to have those material things". I guess it's just me beating myself up, wishing she would come home and continue doing the right thing. She's such a beautiful and amazing person who has such potential to be more than what she is accustomed to.  Do you think it would be a good idea to have her old counselor contact her? I've been considering calling and describing the situation. I feel like she needs help but doesn't realize what she is really doing.

[hopealways]

Welcome to the world of the aftermath of a BPD relationship.  Do NOT try to make sense of her, there is no rationality in their behavior, she has a mental illness, accept that fact, and focus on healing yourself.  Time will heal you: she will NOT.

You are not the first person she has done this to.  She has lied to you about the reason behind her prior breakups. They all ended the same way.  The future ones will also end the same way. Consider yourself lucky, my friend.  Run.

Thank you for the reply. I know many people have gotten through this situation before and I honestly feel so pathetic that I'm so depressed and my mind can't seem to work toward "getting better". Since we broke up ill now have a dream with her in it and I'll wake up feeling  very sad that she's not there. Then as the day goes on I'm thinking of her and I'm more concerned that she will go back to her old unhealthy lifestyle which included working at gentlemans clubs or having sugar daddy's. Since her and I got together she was away from all of those things, working toward a real career and becoming a woman that is respected by everyone. Instead her "friends" see that she appears to be doing "ok" and they say "good job you're doing great". But they have no idea why she's doing well. For instance now she's driving this guys land rover and calling it here and her friends completely encourage her instead of saying "why do you want to allow yourself to be used to have those material things". I guess it's just me beating myself up, wishing she would come home and continue doing the right thing. She's such a beautiful and amazing person who has such potential to be more than what she is accustomed to.  Do you think it would be a good idea to have her old counselor contact her? I've been considering calling and describing the situation. I feel like she needs help but doesn't realize what she is really doing.

Red flag #1: working at gentleman's clubs

Red flag #2: sugar daddy's

Red flag #3: driving new guy's car

And I am sure there were 100's of more red flags that you (and the rest of us) ignored.  The more you show her you care, the more she will distance herself. That's how they work.  At this point, let her be. She survived before you and will after you.  She needs to realize that you are what she wants. You cannot force her to realize that in any way shape or form because she is ill.  Going full no contact will not only allow you to heal, but it also allows her to respect you - because you will be the first man who ever just let her walk.  Having the knowledge that you are the only person who she could possibly respect, someone not afraid to walk when being abused, will increase your dignity and self worth which has been badly hurt (like all of ours).

Trust me, my ex was cheated on her ex with me, left him for me, and now God knows what she is doing. Do I think about it? Yes, and it hurts, but I am dealing with it. It does get better with time. Hang in there buddy!

[AnotherJohn]

Welcome to the world of the aftermath of a BPD relationship.  Do NOT try to make sense of her, there is no rationality in their behavior, she has a mental illness, accept that fact, and focus on healing yourself.  Time will heal you: she will NOT.

You are not the first person she has done this to.  She has lied to you about the reason behind her prior breakups. They all ended the same way.  The future ones will also end the same way. Consider yourself lucky, my friend.  Run.

Thank you for the reply. I know many people have gotten through this situation before and I honestly feel so pathetic that I'm so depressed and my mind can't seem to work toward "getting better". Since we broke up ill now have a dream with her in it and I'll wake up feeling  very sad that she's not there. Then as the day goes on I'm thinking of her and I'm more concerned that she will go back to her old unhealthy lifestyle which included working at gentlemans clubs or having sugar daddy's. Since her and I got together she was away from all of those things, working toward a real career and becoming a woman that is respected by everyone. Instead her "friends" see that she appears to be doing "ok" and they say "good job you're doing great". But they have no idea why she's doing well. For instance now she's driving this guys land rover and calling it here and her friends completely encourage her instead of saying "why do you want to allow yourself to be used to have those material things". I guess it's just me beating myself up, wishing she would come home and continue doing the right thing. She's such a beautiful and amazing person who has such potential to be more than what she is accustomed to.  Do you think it would be a good idea to have her old counselor contact her? I've been considering calling and describing the situation. I feel like she needs help but doesn't realize what she is really doing.

Red flag #1: working at gentleman's clubs

Red flag #2: sugar daddy's

Red flag #3: driving new guy's car

And I am sure there were 100's of more red flags that you (and the rest of us) ignored.  The more you show her you care, the more she will distance herself. That's how they work.  At this point, let her be. She survived before you and will after you.  She needs to realize that you are what she wants. You cannot force her to realize that in any way shape or form because she is ill.  Going full no contact will not only allow you to heal, but it also allows her to respect you - because you will be the first man who ever just let her walk.  Having the knowledge that you are the only person who she could possibly respect, someone not afraid to walk when being abused, will increase your dignity and self worth which has been badly hurt (like all of ours).

Trust me, my ex was cheated on her ex with me, left him for me, and now God knows what she is doing. Do I think about it? Yes, and it hurts, but I am dealing with it. It does get better with time. Hang in there buddy!

It def seems like she's the one doing the distancing. I dont know if shes in a new relationship or not but she completely removed herself from any form of contact with me. And im left wondering "why?". I def. know ive been split black. But she has gone to every extent to be sure that im not able to contact her at all (nothing legal)... i would never harm her or make her feel in danger. I know she has changer her number. Its just crazy to me because ive always tried to do right by her and be there for her. I pushed her to become a great woman. So the full no contact thing shouldnt be a problem... .im literally not able to contact her at all. What hurts the most is that i truly feel as if she is going back to her old lifestyle and she was so close to completely being away from it. She finally had a new job working toward a real estate license... and now who knows? I know she was trying to overcome the disorder by reading about it. I feel like people have always just walked away from her because of the way she is. And i feel horrible being added to that list. I know for a fact that im not. And that she's the one who walked away from me. Her child is severely traumatic and that really is hard for me to accept... that a human has had to go through so much... .and still to this day is fighting. Its just really hard for me. And i pray for her every chance i get.

Thanks for the positive feedback. I really needed people to talk to about this. I tried speaking to family but they do not understand her BPD at all. They do not understand what she goes through or how she thinks. I'm trying hard to move on day to day but jeez, its miserably difficult.

[peas]

Hi AnotherJohn. After this breakup, you will need to redirect that energy you channeled helping your ex toward helping yourself. It will mean getting off the mental and emotional high of being there for her. I know it's a lot less fun working on ourselves than working on someone we love, especially someone who seems so in need of what we have to give. But it's part of letting go.

[AnotherJohn]

Hi AnotherJohn. After this breakup, you will need to redirect that energy you channeled helping your ex toward helping yourself. It will mean getting off the mental and emotional high of being there for her. I know it's a lot less fun working on ourselves than working on someone we love, especially someone who seems so in need of what we have to give. But it's part of letting go.

Hey Peas, yeah thats the hardest part. Getting back to focusing on me. I've done so much focusing on her the past 7 months that i know i lost sight of "me". And honestly i didnt mind losing myself if it meant making her happy. I absolutely loved putting a smile on her face and being the one she confided in. I really feel like for maybe the first time in my life, im afraid. We had future plans and plans for the holidays... even were looking at new homes. And now all of that is gone. I do not know where to begin in the repair of myself. Simply because when i wake up in the morning that sadness is right back to where it was the day before. And all of the work i did during the day... didnt seem to matter. Thank you for your reply. Everyone is really helping out. I know i sound like a broken record... but this is where my mind is lately (such a dark place). Im grateful for your replies.

[AnotherJohn]

I am very concerned about my ex BPD gf. If youve read above you already know the situation. And in the past (way before me she did see a therapist). I am considering trying to get in contact with her old therapist to see if maybe they can help her. I truly do not want to see her revert back to her old lifestyle that is very unhealthy and unsafe... .

She clearly does not want any contact with me being split to black.

What do i do? Is this a bad idea? I'm hurting and worried about her.

[Ironmanrises]

Anotherjohn... .

Do not contact her old therapist.

It will not get you the logical choice... .

That you seek... .

And in turn... .

She will use it against you... .

In some vicious way... .

And/or... .

It will result in nothing.

It will not get her into treatment.

She has to want to do that... .

On her own.

I know you are hurting... .

I can feel it in your words.

Your compassion... .

Although brave... .

Will not help you here... .

Unfortunately.

Stay NC.

Hang in there.

We know what you are going through.

[heartandwhole]

Hi AnotherJohn,

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this hurt.  Breaking up with my pwBPD was one of the most painful things I have gone through.    I really understand you worrying about her and wanting to help, it's a natural and caring thing to feel.

Unfortunately, attempting to rescue her doesn't help her take responsibility for her life or healing, and keeps you from focusing on what got you in this position.  It's what I learned to do, too.  The cycle doesn't end until we stop looking at our mirrors and observe and feel what is going on with ourselves.

The 10 Beliefs that Can Keep You Stuck from the Lessons on the right margin----->

were game-changing for me.  Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck - Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

Hang in there, AnotherJohn.  We're here for you.  

[AnotherJohn]

ugh having a really hard day - everyday! I continue to hope and pray that things turnaround for her and I. I'm truly worried about my ex BPD gf. Just thinking that shes reverting back to her old life kills me bc she came so far from it and was doing so well with everything. I continually feel as if I have let her down and i truly want to just make her happy. These feelings are killing me. I know she feels as if she hates me ... .and it seems like all of the love she had for me is non existent. But then another part of me is saying "dont forget the things she said and did to show you how much she loved you, dont forget everything she been through"... .

I know some may feel as if there is no hope for people suffering from BPD but there has to be a way to get through to them?  :'(

[Ironmanrises]

ugh having a really hard day - everyday! I continue to hope and pray that things turnaround for her and I. I'm truly worried about my ex BPD gf. Just thinking that shes reverting back to her old life kills me bc she came so far from it and was doing so well with everything. I continually feel as if I have let her down and i truly want to just make her happy. These feelings are killing me. I know she feels as if she hates me ... .and it seems like all of the love she had for me is non existent. But then another part of me is saying "dont forget the things she said and did to show you how much she loved you, dont forget everything she been through"... .

I know some may feel as if there is no hope for people suffering from BPD but there has to be a way to get through to them??  :'(

In bold.

You did get through... .

To your ex.

That occurred in idealization.

Which lasted... .

Only from... .

Point A... .

To point B... .

The day she was triggered... .

Into devaluation.

Transitory feelings... .

That start... .

And stop.

While yours... .

Are lasting.

I am so sorry you are hurting.

You are longing for... .

Idealization.

I know... .

I longed for it too... .

We all have.

And it hurts.

I long for it still... .

In quiet moments... .

When i think of her... .

When i look at this ipad mini... .

She got me as a surprise.

And then... .

Like a cold downpour... .

Of water... .

Hitting me... .

Full blast... .

I remember... .

Her behavior... .

In devaluation... .

The things she said to me... .

How she said them... .

To me... .

Her cold vacant eyes... .

On my final few days with her... .

In her house... .

(Right before second discard)... .

And the longing for... .

Gets suppressed... .

Right there.

My mind... .

Literally... .

Shuts down... .

At the memory... .

Of the final few days with her.

It was that painful.

I tried to get through to her... .

Too... .

It only lasted... .

Between... .

2 points in time.

I know how you feel.

My tumble from space... .

Occurred... .

After that second discard.

Hang in there.

You are not alone.

[Learning_curve74]

ugh having a really hard day - everyday! I continue to hope and pray that things turnaround for her and I. I'm truly worried about my ex BPD gf. Just thinking that shes reverting back to her old life kills me bc she came so far from it and was doing so well with everything. I continually feel as if I have let her down and i truly want to just make her happy. These feelings are killing me. I know she feels as if she hates me ... .and it seems like all of the love she had for me is non existent. But then another part of me is saying "dont forget the things she said and did to show you how much she loved you, dont forget everything she been through"... .

I know some may feel as if there is no hope for people suffering from BPD but there has to be a way to get through to them?  :'(

AnotherJohn, I can tell that you love her and care for her a tremendous amount. You probably care for her more than anybody else you've ever encountered, sounds like you care for her more than you care about yourself. You love her! It's hard. A lot of us here are in the same shoes as you.

My exBPDgf abused alcohol and drugs when I first met her, liked to party hard, and did a lot of crazy stuff like it sounds your exgf did too. She's also been in therapy and knows she has BPD. At one point in our relationship, she tried to "go straight" and quit cold turkey from all the drinking, drug abuse, and partying. We were together all the time, just me and her. And like you, I felt like she was doing better, changing her life around for the better, and that we were deeply in love. The problem is that a pwBPD has disordered thinking and super intense feelings. She doesn't feel or think the way I do -- in her mind, she was probably suffering terribly because she was giving up all her ways of self-soothing and coping to try and be with me! Imagine if your exgf was a burn victim who depended on painkillers and burn cream to dull the pain, and she stopped using the medicine only for you. The alcohol abuse, drug abuse, and partying were her ways to block out the pain. She could take the pain for a while but eventually it turns to resentment against you since she feels that you've become the source of all her terrible pain. And when she eventually "lashes out" by returning to her old behaviors, cheating, and/or leaving you, then you become the recipient of pain in return. It's awful, feeling that you failed to save the person you love the most and you've now lost her.  :'(

Please for your own sake, AnotherJohn, please read the link that heartandwhole recommended if you haven't: LESSONS: Understanding your situation.

Unlike you, I left my exBPDgf when I realized it was her life and her decisions to make as an adult, and to stay with her, I was changing into somebody I didn't like or want to be. The thing we have to come to accept is that a pwBPD has lived their entire life this way, and all their crazy dysfunctional behaviors are a survival mechanism for them. Like the painkillers and burn cream for the burn victim, they would go crazy from the pain otherwise, and a lot do as many pwBPD commit suicide or have tried to kill themselves.

AnotherJohn, I do believe in hope. But hope is only something a person finds within themselves, even if they have external sources of inspiration it can still only come from within. You cannot make her into someone she isn't ready to be. Sadly, I feel that my exBPDgf is just like an alcoholic or drug addict (both of which she is actually!) in that she will have to hit her own "rock bottom" where she no longer sees any other way out except treatment to manage her BPD. Unfortunately, many pwBPD are successful in temporarily relieving their pain through their dysfunctional behaviors, so they never get the chance to truly bottom out.

I don't know if this helps you or hurts you, so I'm a little hesitant to even say it, and there is some disagreement from the nonBPD folks here about whether their pwBPD ever loved them. I can only speak from my own experience, and I have no doubt that she loved me, and she still did love me until I ended it. There are all different kinds of love and ways to express it, and for her to give up all those things that brought her relief -- the alcohol, the drugs, the partying -- to try and stay with me, I'm sure she loved me. It was a need-based love, like a child needs the love of their parent, but it was love nonetheless. And I think that you were probably loved by your exgf the same way. I apologize if this brings you more hurt, AnotherJohn.

It sounds trite, but you spent so much time taking care of her, but now you are hurting, and who is going to take care of you if not yourself? We are here to listen and support you, but you need to look out for yourself now. A big hug to you. 

[mitchell16]

AnotherJohn, its very hard and I understand where you are are at in your mind. BUt if she BPD it wouldnt have mattered what you did, or said. She would have left like that in the long run anyway. Most likely you will have another shot at this, because if shes like mine she always comes back around in some shape or form. Thats teh question you need to ask yourself, how much and how long do you want to put up with this. How can you build a future of mutaul trust and respect. Impossible. That where I got to after almost 3 years. I relaized that no matter what I did, how kind I said it and most of the time I didnt even do what she accused me, wouldnt matter. she would find a reason to leave or kick me out.

I used to jokingly tell me friends that if I married her, it would be nightmare, I imagine living with her, life being good. Kissing her, going to work. coming home and finding all the locks changed, my stuff on the lawn and wondering what I did wrong. Only to find out that 3 weeks ealier I forgot to tell her good night. That was a joke but it really could have been my relaity.

Its very hard, Im 3 months out and I still have days but they have got better. hang in there.

[AnotherJohn]

And of course a friend of mine today sends me pictures of my ex BPD gf with her new buddy guy friend that she moved in with after me. Apparently they went out to his mothers birthday dinner together. And as sad as it sounds i can tell by the look on her face that she really is not happy at all. He was trying to be hugging her and she honestly wasnt giving him the attention that i received from her (at least in the photos). She had a fake smile on her face as well. Really sad. I did try to email her a day or two ago and again no reply. That will be my last attempt. I have left the door open for her and i truly believe that deep in her heart that she's trying to overcome her problems. I witnessed it first hand during the time we were together. But after 32 years of living with the disorder i could imagine that it would be difficult to change. I am continuing to hope for the best and keeping her in my prayers. As far as seeing her with this guy... im disgusted. Its clear that she's using him. My heart breaks for her. My heart is broken bc of her. And I feel like I should be doing something to help her...

[Ironmanrises]

And of course a friend of mine today sends me pictures of my ex BPD gf with her new buddy guy friend that she moved in with after me. Apparently they went out to his mothers birthday dinner together. And as sad as it sounds i can tell by the look on her face that she really is not happy at all. He was trying to be hugging her and she honestly wasnt giving him the attention that i received from her (at least in the photos). She had a fake smile on her face as well. Really sad. I did try to email her a day or two ago and again no reply. That will be my last attempt. I have left the door open for her and i truly believe that deep in her heart that she's trying to overcome her problems. I witnessed it first hand during the time we were together. But after 32 years of living with the disorder i could imagine that it would be difficult to change. I am continuing to hope for the best and keeping her in my prayers. As far as seeing her with this guy... im disgusted. Its clear that she's using him. My heart breaks for her. My heart is broken bc of her. And I feel like I should be doing something to help her...

In bold.

By you doing that... .

You will be enabling her... .

Destructive behavior.

And that behavior... .

Will return to... .

Visit you... .

With attending pain.

Lots of pain.

It is a pattern of behavior.

You see how... .

She is not happy with... .

That other guy now... .?

That other guy... .

Was you... .

Before.

You are seeing... .

It.

Try and acknowledge... .

That her disorder... .

Will compel... .

Her... .

To destroy... .

Every person... .

That gets emotionally... .

Close to her.

That is radical acceptance.

A concept... .

That is beyond hard... .

To digest... .

But one of... .

Utmost... .

Importance... .

For you.

[maxen]

hi AnotherJohn. there are lots of wise words in the posts above, please try to take them to heart.

No one that I speak to understands her condition. Not even her friends know of it.

but we know of it. you'll get the understanding from the posters here.

[DragoN]

I feel like mAybe I should have loved her more. I'm feeling very lost and as if she never loved me. I'm crushed.

Hallmark of BPD love effect on the non. Crushed into oblivion.

She "loved" you briefly in her own sick way. And then hated you equally and as quickly.

You read like a really sensitive , caring and gentle guy. Find someone who can appreciate those qualities as opposed to someone who will abuse you as a result of them. Ok? You deserve that as a bare minimum. 

[AnotherJohn]

This is never ending. I go on my fb today first thing while laying in bed and the first thing I see is our mutual friend putting up pics from last nights halloween festivities featuring my BPD ex with her recycled sugar daddy. Just looking at the pics and then looking at ours anyone can see the difference in smiles with him and how happy she is in our pics. I'm just so sick of feeling this way. And then seeing her and how fake it all is with her. I wish she could just see what I'm seeing. It's like it's not even her and I can't get through to her. I know I cannot keep trying and it's truly difficult when I visually see that she's not really happy with this guy and just going through the motions. Then I have those flash backs of all of our moments when we spoke of the future and being together through everything. Now I have to see this.

Thank you everyone for all of your information and support. I hope you all know how much you help other people with just a paragraph.