Trying to Make Sense and Move On

[Bummed]

Hello everyone.  In recent weeks I have read many posts while trying to make sense of a relationship that recently ended.  I am trying to detach and move on.  Trouble is, I suspect that she is uBPD and I'm having difficulty accepting that this disorder may be what caused her to break up with me.  Please read my story and help me to understand if from what I write, that she may or may not be BPD.

I met and dated a wonderful lady for just over a year.  We had known each other for years but it wasn't until a chance meeting and several Facebook messages later that we decided to go out.  From the beginning we both felt like we were meant to be together.  We lived a whirlwind romance always being together and did a lot of amazing things.  We texted often, talked all the time and had a genuine, loving relationship like I had never experienced before.  About 4 weeks ago, she shocked me when she said that she couldn't see me any longer.  Needless to say, I was heart broken and couldn't understand what had happened.  She is a very high strung lady with lots of stress in her life that she keeps to herself.  Her first and only husband cheated on her and is now married to the last one he had an affair with.  They had just moved into a new house and it was only a few months later when he left her and their only daughter.  Currently she has custody of the daughter but that is being challenged by the ex who is a lawyer.  A few years ago she was engaged to be married and was going to move to another state.  When the ex found out about that he sued her and won.  During that time, her fiancé broke off their engagement citing the fact that she needed to take care of her daughter and he needed to return to his family.  Because of all of this, she has a hard time trusting men.  She used to tell me many times how thankful she was that I would do what I said I was going to do.  I remember numerous occasions where she would thank me over and over again for taking her places, showing love and understanding to her, etc.

Over the past couple of months, the ex has decided that he wants joint custody of their daughter and she now fears another custody battle.  The previous one left her not only heartbroken but also in debt from legal fees.  She also had stress related health issues because of that.  I feel like she was afraid that the same thing was going to happen to her again and to prevent her heart from being broken, she broke mine instead.  Over the past 4 weeks our communication has been minimal.  An occasional text or Facebook message.  I am trying to give her any space that she needs to help her deal with things.  She is a very private person and keeps everything to herself so I worry about her health as well.  I still feel like I love her, miss her, and want to get back together with her.  Yet, part of me thinks that I need to move on.

On top of this, her relationship with her parents is very strained with hardly a word being spoken between them.  The relationship is mostly for the benefit of the granddaughter.  Also, work issues and relationships are tense and she is always paranoid about things. 

Thanks for helping me make sense of all of this!  I appreciate any comments you may have.

[Lady31]

Bummed,

I can't answer if she has BPD.  I can tell you that my exh - during the FIRST go round of dating was freshly out of his previous marriage (maybe 6 months or so.)  When he acted like a jerk and was back and forth and all that, finally breaking it off for good - he attributed his bad behavior to still being "messed up" from his divorce.  We worked together and dated other people, were friends for a few years, and then when the timing was right we ended up getting back together and eventually married.

I was MISTAKEN in my assumption that the divorce was the "excuse" for his crazy/bad behavior.  I wish I would have seen through that.  Then I found out the first couple years of marriage there was always some excuse for his then current bad behavior.  Toward the end I started coming out of the FOG.

Really the bottom line is -

She is not wanting a relationship for whatever reason.  I think you should ask yourself what is reasonable for YOU.  

How long are you willing to wait on this relationship?  What are your expectations for what's healthy and satisfying to YOU? (This also should include how you feel about the secrecy and lack of emotional intimacy, sharing and trust.)

Get clear with yourself - and if she doesn't line up with the picture you have for your life/relationship so be it.

[DragoN]

Reads like she is dealing with a great deal of stress and personal issues. If over the last month your communications are online, how often do you see each other face to face? Actually sit down across from each other and communicate in real life?

[Bummed]

Thanks for your replies.  It has been a few weeks from my original post and I have been reading anything I could find to help me make sense of what's going on.  I feel like she is a high functioning uBPD... .she fits the description perfectly and some of her behaviors have confirmed this.  She has a doctoral degree in her field and holds a prominent position at work and in the community.

Since she broke up with me almost 2 months ago, she is constantly on Facebook adding friend after friend.  I don't get on FB often but we have several friends in common including our families.  She told me when we first started talking that when she was lonely she turned to FB often.  I have also heard that she hasn't removed any of the pictures that she posted of us on FB.  She has over 600 friends on FB and on her birthday this week over 200 wished her well.  However, of all of her friends, I only felt like 2 of them are really close to her, the remainder are merely acquaintances from her position in the community.  And there was one post recently from one of those two which mentioned that she hadn't seen or heard from her in a while. 

I have seen a few of her friends around town and they all have asked about her.  When I tell them that she suddently broke up with me they are all shocked and had no clue there was a problem.  For some reason she is not telling anyone about us and I'm not sure why.  I would even guess that our picture is still sitting on her desk at her office!  I also saw her 13 year old daughter once since our breakup and she couldn't stop hugging me!  That was nice and made me feel very nice!

Due to all of the stress in her life she was paranoid about people going behind her back directly to her boss, would keep most of the lights off in her house fearing that she would get served papers due to custody hearing, etc. 

She was very distant with her parents... .especially her mom.  We were around each other on occasion and I don't remember the two of them ever getting involved in a conversation.  The Mom just hung around the granddaughter and didn't really say much at all.

She is a very private person and would only talk to me about these stressful issues for a few minutes before she would just stop talking about those things.  During the relationship she would tell me over and over how much she loved me and appreciated me.  And for a educated, professional lady she would always look at me with a very child-like expression on her face.

I could give more examples of her behavior but I think you get the point.  I haven't tried to contact her in weeks other than on her birthday when I sent a text saying happy birthday.  She did respond with a simple thank you and that was it.  It's just hard to understand that a disorder could take me from being the love of her life to being an outcast that doesn't mean anything at all to her.  And of course I wonder if she even thinks about me.

I haven't reached out to any of her family or friends and I'm trying to get on with my life but it's just hard to accept that this once special relationship is over!

[fromheeltoheal]

There's not much in your post that suggests BPD traits; most of it is a recounting of events, with not much about her personality.  And leaving someone before they can leave you is something not limited to BPD by any stretch.

It doesn't really matter though.  Your relationship ended and you're in pain; I'm sorry you are hurting BTW.  The point is if you read other posts and the articles on this site, it may sound like people are talking about your ex, and you could have written what you read; that definitely happened for me and many others here.  If that is the case then you can form connections here and get a lot of information and support that will help you in your healing.

A relationship with a borderline is like no other, because BPD is a serious mental illness, and if you get emotionally enmeshed with someone who suffers from the disorder, you are in for a roller coaster ride that could wound you at your core.  In any case, again I'm sorry your relationship didn't work out, and read lots and see if you are connecting.  Take care of you!

[ShadowDancer]

Heel,

It is true there is "something" about a relationship with a borderline that seems almost... .contagious? I do wish there was a inoculation. Alas there is not. I suppose the fever has to take time to subside with a lot of rest, good habits and self care.

[EdR]

Hi Bummed,

I don't think any os us could give a BPD diagnose. Even if we would have a degree, it still wouldn't be possible. Because we're all looking at things from behind a PC monitor. Not real life.

The label itself doesn't even matter. It's the behaviour which comes with it. Tbh, from your post, I can't see any real signs of BPD. But that's just based on one little post.

Try and read some of the threads, and just see if there are similarities and if our experiences could be of use to you. :-)

[fromheeltoheal]

Heel,

It is true there is "something" about a relationship with a borderline that seems almost... .contagious? I do wish there was a inoculation. Alas there is not. I suppose the fever has to take time to subside with a lot of rest, good habits and self care.

The "something" is a borderline's need to attach, which is absolutely mandatory for them.  A borderline does not see themselves as an autonomous individual, and when they attach to someone they create one person with no boundary between.  Think about that; it's the nature of the disorder and is hard to get your head around at first, and of course it's subconscious for the borderline, they just know how they feel in the moment, and have devised many a method over the years to affect that attachment.  Insidious and parasitic if you think about it, from our autonomous, real-self perspective, but to a borderline it is a matter of life or death, because to lose their 'other half' means they are nothing, and they are perpetually avoiding the abandonment depression that would follow, something we went through as tots, on the way to developing our own 'self', and they never did.