Struggling Bad Right Now

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

So, I'm really struggling right now. Since our breakup, I've blocked my uBPDexgf on social media, although she hasn't liked or commented on any of my close friends pictures, she has consistently commented on and liked one of my close friend's exgf's pictures. For some reason she believes that my friend's ex is her ally. Anyway, today she liked a picture that said ":)on't leave something good to see fi you can find better, because once you realize you had the best the best found better." This post was directed at my friend, however, it really hit home for me. The truth is it describes the end of my relationship with my uBPDexgf because she had someone on the back burner and as soon as I ended it she ran to him and is currently in a relationship with that person (she rubbed it in my face hardcore before I ultimately blocked her). It drives me crazy that she would like that picture, as if I was the one who wanted to end the relationship (even though I did she left me no choice) and as if I was the one who cheated. It makes me feel sick to my stomach that she feels that this new guy is better than me and is trying to portray herself as the victim of someone (me) who left her looking for something better. That isn't true at all. If anything I thought she was the best around.

All of this caused me to look at her profile ( I know I shouldn't have) and after two months of no-contact, no idea what she's been doing, I now know she's still in a relationship with my replacement. I am sick! I don't wish bad on anyone but I feel like if she would have broken up with him after approx. 2 months dating I would be validated that she is someone who is not well mentally and that the new guy is not better than me. Seeing this has got me going insane!

[DownandOut]

So, I'm really struggling right now. Since our breakup, I've blocked my uBPDexgf on social media, although she hasn't liked or commented on any of my close friends pictures, she has consistently commented on and liked one of my close friend's exgf's pictures. For some reason she believes that my friend's ex is her ally. Anyway, today she liked a picture that said ":)on't leave something good to see fi you can find better, because once you realize you had the best the best found better." This post was directed at my friend, however, it really hit home for me. The truth is it describes the end of my relationship with my uBPDexgf because she had someone on the back burner and as soon as I ended it she ran to him and is currently in a relationship with that person (she rubbed it in my face hardcore before I ultimately blocked her). It drives me crazy that she would like that picture, as if I was the one who wanted to end the relationship (even though I did she left me no choice) and as if I was the one who cheated. It makes me feel sick to my stomach that she feels that this new guy is better than me and is trying to portray herself as the victim of someone (me) who left her looking for something better. That isn't true at all. If anything I thought she was the best around.

All of this caused me to look at her profile ( I know I shouldn't have) and after two months of no-contact, no idea what she's been doing, I now know she's still in a relationship with my replacement. I am sick! I don't wish bad on anyone but I feel like if she would have broken up with him after approx. 2 months dating I would be validated that she is someone who is not well mentally and that the new guy is not better than me. Seeing this has got me going insane!

[Learning_curve74]

Sorry you're hurting today, DownandOut. A hug for you.  

It's might not be any consolation for you, but know this: people rarely change and when they do it is often a long slow process. Your exgf has probably been acting like this her whole life, so it was nothing against you personally and she is probably not going to last with the new guy either.

It's hard to ignore our feelings, and that's really not what we want to do. We feel what we feel, and it will take time to reprogram our thinking so that our feelings will eventually follow. I truly believe that's how we reach the ideal in the sidebar to the right that says, "Attachment Leads to Suffering, Detachment Leads to Freedom."

I wonder why blocking her doesn't remove her entirely from your social media? I know that I can't see anything from my exBPDgf on facebook. Are you pretty active on social media? Would you consider a month hiatus away from it if you feel like seeing her likes and comments are triggering for you?

Your wound is still relatively fresh and still raw, it's going to hurt for a while. You will heal though. Hang in there.  

[rags_and_feathers]

If this is facebook, you need to actually block the person, not just de-friend her.  If she is blocked, you shouldn't be able to see her likes, comments, or anything else.

I am so sorry you are hurting!  Remember, social media only shows the world an illusion -- you see nothing about what is really going on inside this woman.  Many, many of the things our ex-es show the world are attempts at self soothing and self-vindication, and honestly, the less we know about what they are saying or posting, the better. 

Most of all, I am sorry for your hurt, and please know that it does get better in time.

[PhoenixRising15]

Geez man.

I literally could have written that exact post.

I came here because I want to look at her social media, but damn.  I just can't do it.  I can't bring myself to do it because I know what lurks there.  Even if she's not officially in a relationship. 

It will all be a bunch of TOTAL LIES.  Just like they were for me.  Just a bunch of stuff to make it look like she's having the time of her life.

I know she's a tormented soul.  I know she ran to my replacement because I was literally not in physical proximity.  I was even trying to make the long distance thing work.

TERRIBLE TERRIBLE TERRIBLE.

I feel for you man.  I am RIGHT THERE WITH YOU.  I've been on the verge of crying all day.  I'm just waiting for work to be done.

Stay strong.

[DownandOut]

Learningcurve, it's IG and I don't see any of her likes except when she likes mutual friends pictures. My close friends and family have blocked her as well and the only ones that get me upset are when she likes my friends exgf's pics because they are not friends. They met once, through me, and have not seen each other since and will not see each other again ever, so I don't understand why she would consider my friend's exgf a friend and someone that she feels she can interact with. Additionally, my friend broke this girl's heart and she is grieving as well (a normal breakup wherein they just weren't compatible), so the pcitures she puts up are very relevant to breakups and having your heart broken; however, i feel in some way that my uBPDexgf is liking them to either get to me, or she has convinced herself that she was wronged by me and is trying to mirror my friend's exgf to make me look like i was wrong. I'm not sure but the ruminating is driving me nuts.

Ragsandfeathers and Questioningfaith, maybe it's schadenfreude, but i'd rather see the relationship fail for the reasons I described above. The problem is, although I know that she likely isn't truly happy, or at least won't be happy as soon as her uBPD is triggered, seeing her appear to be in a loving relationship with the guy she cheated on me with totally destroys my ego. I just want to be happy again.

[DragoN]

seeing her appear to be in a loving relationship with the guy she cheated on me with totally destroys my ego. I just want to be happy again.

Don't look at her pictures or any social media. We do this to ourselves when we look.

It's a matter of time before the same behaviors start again. How long was it before the BPD behaviors showed up in your relationship? With each person it will be different as each of us reacts differently to the PD behaviors, some better and others worse. If she is BPD, she cannot be truly happy. He is only a good supply for the moment.

Feel for you. She cheated, the relationship ended even it was your call. That's ok. It hurts bad, but it would hurt worse over time as well.

[Ironmanrises]

seeing her appear to be in a loving relationship with the guy she cheated on me with totally destroys my ego. I just want to be happy again.

Don't look at her pictures or any social media. We do this to ourselves when we look.

It's a matter of time before the same behaviors start again. How long was it before the BPD behaviors showed up in your relationship? With each person it will be different as each of us reacts differently to the PD behaviors, some better and others worse. If she is BPD, she cannot be truly happy. He is only a good supply for the moment.

Feel for you. She cheated, the relationship ended even it was your call. That's ok. It hurts bad, but it would hurt worse over time as well.

In bold.

Bingo. 

It is a pattern of behavior.

[PhoenixRising15]

I would argue that the behaviors didnt stop.  At least with mine, when I traced it back I could see how she was trying to get at me with everything.  It's like the hate just never stopped coming, even with her new supply.  If she was truly "happy" in a relationship, why would she need to hurt me -- she wouldn't.  I wouldn't cross her mind.  She just doesn't know what else to do with all the intense emotions going on in her head, so she spews them all over the place -- emotional vomit.

Just my experience here, but it may click if you think about it.  Did you ever mention anything about any of these behaviors to her, or even just passively talk about them with her there?  AMMO.

[Learning_curve74]

Hey DaO, are you still close to your close friend's exgf? Maybe you can just stop following her Instagram for a while so as to avoid the bad feelings triggered by seeing your uBPDexgf's likes on her photos?

You said that you understand that your ex is unlikely to be truly happy, but it's driving you crazy thinking about her being with the other guy. This is a pretty good reason to try and stay away from her and any reminder of her until it doesn't drive you crazy.

[DownandOut]

seeing her appear to be in a loving relationship with the guy she cheated on me with totally destroys my ego. I just want to be happy again.

Don't look at her pictures or any social media. We do this to ourselves when we look.

It's a matter of time before the same behaviors start again. How long was it before the BPD behaviors showed up in your relationship? With each person it will be different as each of us reacts differently to the PD behaviors, some better and others worse. If she is BPD, she cannot be truly happy. He is only a good supply for the moment.

Feel for you. She cheated, the relationship ended even it was your call. That's ok. It hurts bad, but it would hurt worse over time as well.

I went three rounds of recycling with her and each time the relationship lasted from 3-4 months over a period of two years. The first time we b/u and got back together within 2 weeks. This last time was the worst, however, because when she recycled we hadn't spoken for about a year (I told her we couldn't be friends and couldn't speak anymore, my first attempt at NC), and hadn't been together for about a year and a half and she came back apologizing profusely for hurting me and telling me that she realized I was the one for her and that she needed time to get herself together and wanting to give the relationship a real chance to succeed. I gave in. It was amazing for me. I dated many girls in that year and a half before we reunited and she was always on my mind so when she came back saying all this stuff I was elated. I was actually seeing someone at the time and ended it so I could give my uBPDexgf a chance. During the latest recycle, she started devaluing me and I pressed for answers but she would always respond with "I don't know why I feel this way," and left me searching for reasons I was being treated like dirt. I asked her if this only happens with me and she said no and did admit to me that her relationships since we'd broken up had only lasted about 3 months (classic BPD) and she actually moved in with a guy after 2 months. The point is, even though her past would indicate that she will likely be triggered at some point during her new relationship and he will meet the same fate as I did, I fear that she will live happily ever after with him. The reasons: I don't know him and he could either be the biggest d-bag in the world or he could be a much better man than I am - and taht's what scares me.

Hey DaO, are you still close to your close friend's exgf? Maybe you can just stop following her Instagram for a while so as to avoid the bad feelings triggered by seeing your uBPDexgf's likes on her photos?

You said that you understand that your ex is unlikely to be truly happy, but it's driving you crazy thinking about her being with the other guy. This is a pretty good reason to try and stay away from her and any reminder of her until it doesn't drive you crazy.

I am still close with my friend's exgf, we have mutual friends and it would be odd to stop following her. I think at this point the best thing to do would be to abstain from social media for the near future and try to heal more. I'm healing, but not fast enough, because I'm still miserable.

[Learning_curve74]

I asked her if this only happens with me and she said no and did admit to me that her relationships since we'd broken up had only lasted about 3 months (classic BPD) and she actually moved in with a guy after 2 months. The point is, even though her past would indicate that she will likely be triggered at some point during her new relationship and he will meet the same fate as I did, I fear that she will live happily ever after with him. The reasons: I don't know him and he could either be the biggest d-bag in the world or he could be a much better man than I am - and taht's what scares me.

It's okay to have this fear, so many people who first come here to the boards have the same exact fear. I wonder how many of us had a fear of not being good enough or issues with self-worth before getting into a BPD relationship? Personally, I can look back now and see that these feelings were always buried underneath the surface for me, and it was only brought to the surface when I tried to find worth and value in the relationship with my exBPDgf. It sounded like such an alien concept to me, not being happy with myself but trying to find validation in relationship with others, but the more I look at it, the more I think it is true for me.

I am still close with my friend's exgf, we have mutual friends and it would be odd to stop following her. I think at this point the best thing to do would be to abstain from social media for the near future and try to heal more. I'm healing, but not fast enough, because I'm still miserable.

Yeah, it doesn't feel fair to have to give it up, but sometimes it's the best choice.

I have the same exact feeling as you, re: not healing fast enough, but the one thing I try to tell myself is that everybody is different, and all I can do is do it at the pace that I am ready to go at. This is what I also told myself about the breakup. I knew that it would probably happen eventually, and some of my friends tried to force the issue or push me, but I had to take it at my own pace. So I recognize the same is true of my path forwards. That's not to say there are not things that can help accelerate it, but I just don't know what they are for sure. I'm glad that I have a therapist session next week!

Maybe promise yourself to take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute because that's the only way.