How to handle suicide threats and constant calling?

[betterman]

Long story short, my ex gf dumped me a little over 2 weeks ago.  I've stayed NC, with one exception which I will get into shortly.  She texted me 2 days ago calling me names, saying she met someone else, that she does not think of me and she told me goodbye again.

Today I wake up an saw a missed call from overnight.  Then later in the day she calls and texts me, she texted/called me more times than I'm willing to admit on here.  I've never seen anything like this before.  Just to go back for a moment she built me up and then broke me down during the relationship, she pushed me away and I came back in, until she finally ended it one day and did not care how I felt.  We dated for a little under a year.  Well these texts today consisted of her wanting my attention, she threatened to hurt/kill herself, begged for me to just talk to her briefly, and she apologized once for the mean texts a few days before.  Now, I did contact her parents to let them know she wanted to hurt herself and they thanked me for the call and were kind and did not tell her that I called them.  Now, she does have a head injury that causes her constant daily pain and the doctors offer little relief for her, so she is stuck at home with little way out.  She admitted she is acting crazy and and just wanted someone to listen to her as she feels she has nothing.

I do not want to label her, as she has this trauma and emotional issues.  I'm conflicted if this reaching out is due to her pain sustained by her injury, and emotional disorder, both?  I don't want to break NC as I need to move on, but if these threats are real, I know I'm no ones savior and I can't fix people but would breaking NC briefly be a bad idea in this situation?  I know the head trauma is real and not made up, I was there for it all.  Just need some advice.  If I broke NC it would be short, to the point, and me saying it's over between us.

[rags_and_feathers]

The head trauma complicates the equation a bit, but this sounds classically borderline in terms of behavior.  Is she living at home with her parents?  If so, alerting them was a really good call, so they can keep an eye on her.   The problem with reaching out after a suicide threat is that it reinforces that suicidal gestures are a way to get attention and sympathy, and that doesn't help anyone.  I know, it sucks -- I've been there too many times!  But I think your best bet is telling the parents and staying NC.  If she doesn't live with her parents, you could consider calling the police or 911 to do a suicide assessment. 

[Lady31]

That's a tough one.  I think rags is spot on in saying that if you respond to her suicide threats it reinforces that it will get your attention in the future.  I also agree that if parents are informed then that is good and let them handle it.

If you can stay NC that would be the best.  If you cannot, then I would say something as simple as:

It is better for both of us to not be in contact to give ourselves the time and space to heal.  I am not trying to hurt you or ignore you purposely, but I believe this is for the best for both of us. 

Then you can add if you want:

Your threats to harm yourself scared me as I care about you.  I am not trained to know what to do in a situation like that and it is very serious.  If you make statements like that to me again I feel the right thing for me to do to help would be to call 911 immediately.

I am so sorry.  I now how bad it hurts.  These threats are the hardest - my exh made them constantly.  Even had a noose hanging out in the shop.  It is very difficult to deal with because you love them so much and don't want them to suffer with that kind of pain.  And you feel (and ARE) helpless to fix it.  I'm so sorry.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi betterman, I agree with rags; the frantic texting and calls are classic borderline due to their fear of abandonment.  The fear takes over and they will do anything to relieve that anxiety, including calling or texting you nonstop.  Take a deep breath and stay NC, if you can.  If not, I like Lady's proposed response.  My uBPDxW threatend suicide on many occasions, holding a knife at her throat one time or a razor blade at her wrist another time.  It was very upsetting, needless to say, just as Lady describes.  I went to the outpatient mental health clinic at the local hospital twice for support and advice on what to do.  In some ways, it is the ultimate manipulation, sad to say.  My Ex cried wolf so many times that I no longer took her threats seriously, but there was that tiny doubt in the back of my mind that maybe this time she would carry it out, which was hard, as Lady points out.

Lucky Jim

[betterman]

Yes, she lives at home still, and her parents said thank you for the call and that they will keep an eye on her.  I know I can't get inside someone head to know whats really going on, I feared that she may possibly hurt herself somehow, so I'm glad that I notified someone that can check on her.  Now each time I see a text message I get a jumping feeling inside. 

I've made good progress trying to move on, each day I read and try and learn more and reach out for support.  I'm so thankful for a site like this.

[rags_and_feathers]

I really know the feeling -- my heart jumps into my throat every time I check my email.   My ex-roommate used suicide threats and self harm for years as a way to manipulate me, and for a long time, it worked.  I don't mean to scare you, but when I finally did break off our relationship, she actually attempted suicide, and forced me into a 911 call/5150 situation -- so, it's never a good idea to assume these threats are empty ones.

Lady's response is a good one, indeed --- but I'd actually scale it back a bit, I believe.  I'd simply say that I didn't want contact, and that if I had reason to believe she was in danger of hurting herself, I would call 911.  I'd leave out all the emotional content so as not to be reinforcing in any way. 

I say all this in retrospect -- if I had my own situation to do over. Of course, if I say that I think anything is in my BPD's best interest, it brings on a huge flame attack ... .how could I know what is best for her, I don't care about her anyway, blah blah blah... .

[Lady31]

Rags has a very good point on scaling back the response a bit, if you were to even make one, to avoid the reinforcing emotional content.

The only reason I added that is because when I was faced with the situation with my exh it was very hard to respond so bluntly without the "caring" part due to how upsetting the threat of suicide is in the first place.

I think would be better to respond with the shorter statement Rags mentioned - but if it's too hard to do (I don't think I could have done it that way) then the other may be a good option that shows concern and care, but unwillingness to be sucked in or play the manipulation game.

[rags_and_feathers]

I hear you, Lady -- it seems mean, and cold, not to include the emotional content -- and if we were dealing with rational people, the caring content would go without saying.  In my situation, it's a no-win -- if I express caring, it backfires on me (I am met with "you're lying, you don't really care," etc}.  If I don't, I am made out to be mean and horrible anyhow.  I think the best response is no response, sadly.

Perhaps something along the lines of "I hear that you are really suffering, and I hate to think of you in that kind of pain.  If I have reason to believe you are in serious danger of hurting yourself, I will call 911 and hope that they can provide help for you" might work.  In any event, the clear message that a 911 call  will happen is the important part.

[betterman]

I agree, if it happens again i'll just say the part that i'll call 911 and leave out anything emotional.  Yesterday she left me alone.  Now today she texts me asking for me to stop ignoring her and if she left a pair of high heels at my house because she really needs them for a Halloween party.  what the heck? ... .

The last time she wore them was in February, she knows dam well that I do not have them but she's demanding that I give them back... .I just ignored the texts.  Sometimes it feels like this isn't real life, how could someone actually be like this.  I want to block her number, as i've blocked her on everything else, but I feel if I do that she'll contact friends, my job or just show up at my place, ugh.

[Lady31]

Oh wow - so she's waiting to cut her wrists until AFTER the Halloween party.  I know - it's crazy making.  I actually thought that same thing - about it not feeling real, or like a dream.  Puke.

[rags_and_feathers]

Mine does that too -- asking for really odd possessions that she seems to believe I have of hers.  She was on and on about ice cube trays for a bit, and some other odds and ends.  This, interspersed with hatred, accusations of abuse, and early on, more hinted suicide threats.  It is completely crazy-making -- and indeed it feels like a very weird dream.  The fact that I saved her life by calling 911 pales in comparison to the fact that she thinks I am purposely keeping an ice cube tray?

[betterman]

Mine bought me ice cube trays too, maybe that's a sign  ... .I've gotten rid of everything that I could find that she gave me.  I hope she don't say things like I abused her, I've never done anything like that, I never even called her names when she said them to me.  I read a lot on here that those things may happen.  I did find two coats of hers which is the last of what she left at my place, I may just put them in a box and mail them with a typed note saying, here's the last of it, it's over, move on.

[rags_and_feathers]

BEWARE WOMEN BEARING ICE-CUBE TRAYS! LOL.

I think it is a good idea to mail back any remaining possessions of hers that you may have.  That's what I've been doing, if I run across something that was overlooked when she moved out.  Of course, that has backfired on me, too... .she then says, "see, you purposely kept these things, and that means you are purposely keeping other things of mine... ."    Argh.  There really is NO way to win in these situations.

[betterman]

Thanks for the heads up that it could backfire, I figure she'd text me after she received the items but hope it doesn't go any farther than a thanks.  I probably should just block her number.  She hasn't asked for these items yet but I think I'll mail them right before I leave for vacation in a few weeks so I don't have to hear about it right away.  I deff don't want to keep them around the house tho, I don't need any reminders of her and her actions.