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Author Topic: A BPD's "Insanity" of a Love Life  (Read 6075 times)
Waifed
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« on: October 24, 2013, 01:13:32 PM »

We all on here have different stories but when it comes down to it they are all basically the same process.  Some last months and some years, but the story is typically very similar.  My question is... .How can a BPD continue to repeat the process over and over typically without a break between relationships?  Certainly this has to wear on them at some point.  You would think they would crater at some point.  I have heard it said that most High Functioning BPD people refuse therapy.  Certainly these people realize they have issues.  My ex went off the deep end when I suggested BPD.  I wonder if many refuse help due to the stigma?  Thoughts on this?
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« Reply #1 on: October 24, 2013, 01:28:19 PM »

My ex had a really tough childhood. Parents weer drug addicts And was staying with family And friends. Her Mother has BPD (amongst othet things). My ex never Wanted therapy because she was afraid what might come up. At the end of the relationship I suggested couples therapy but she refused. Therapy is for the weak she said iTS just not working do Lets move on (she had a rebound waiting). They dont want to work on themselves because they cant admit their flaws. Its too confronting I think?
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« Reply #2 on: October 24, 2013, 01:42:25 PM »

Two ways to avoid the pain of introspection are repression and projection; my BPD ex and I have both used these maladaptive coping strategies.

One way to get over a break up is to sit with and process the pain, and learn and grow from it.  Another way is to stuff it and find a new object to project on, which is a favorite of impulsive folks who have trouble tolerating and soothing.  Been there, so has she.
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« Reply #3 on: October 24, 2013, 01:45:12 PM »

Two ways to avoid the pain of introspection are repression and projection; my BPD ex and I have both used these maladaptive coping strategies.

One way to get over a break up is to sit with and process the pain, and learn and grow from it.  Another way is to stuff it and find a new object to project on, which is a favorite of impulsive folks who have trouble tolerating and soothing.  Been there, so has she.

But can this truly be maintained break up after breakup over decades?
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« Reply #4 on: October 24, 2013, 01:52:23 PM »

Excerpt
I have heard it said that most High Functioning BPD people refuse therapy.  Certainly these people realize they have issues.  My ex went off the deep end when I suggested BPD.  I wonder if many refuse help due to the stigma?  Thoughts on this?

My husband is high functioning. He's not been "single" since the age of 16. I started putting the pieces together after the first few years of marriage.

He knows there are issues, and not necessarily all mine, but his denial more powerful then his ability to look at himself. His projections are masterpieces.
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« Reply #5 on: October 24, 2013, 01:55:02 PM »

My BPD ex has been bouncing from one relaionship to the next for decades, many, many men, they overlap, and she doesn't seem to learn anything, so apparently.

My prefered methods in the past were to run and to numb.  I'm not doing that this time, I'm processing and feeling, much harder, but I'm noticing growth too.
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« Reply #6 on: October 24, 2013, 02:59:45 PM »

I once scratched my own head about this same topic but knowing that something is "off" about you and being motivated to do something about it is two entirely different lanes.

Our ex's aren't motivated.

And as human beings most of us aren't willing to change unless the bottom falls out and what we're doing is no longer working for us. It's kinda like sticking to the Devil you know vs. facing the unknown.

Our ex's repress really PAINFUL stuff. Shame is painful. Facing Abandonment is Painful. Facing Abuse is Painful. Humiliation and Being Violated is painful. Many things happened to our ex's at a time when they were defenseless children. Facing this pain and that special brand of "BPD ugly" would require massive cohones and courage.

Their sense of themselves is already unstable so facing their own truth would feel like falling into the pits of a bottomless black hole.

Spell

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« Reply #7 on: October 24, 2013, 03:02:45 PM »

We all on here have different stories but when it comes down to it they are all basically the same process.  Some last months and some years, but the story is typically very similar.  My question is... .How can a BPD continue to repeat the process over and over typically without a break between relationships?  Certainly this has to wear on them at some point.  You would think they would crater at some point.  I have heard it said that most High Functioning BPD people refuse therapy.  Certainly these people realize they have issues.  My ex went off the deep end when I suggested BPD.  I wonder if many refuse help due to the stigma?  Thoughts on this?

Mine goes into "hermit" mode in-between (a typical BPD trait), except for this time where she accused me of "abandoning her like her father" even though we were still in the same house... .and in a relationship, or so I thought... .while she flew into the arms of a man-boy.

I suspect she will possibly reignite that flame after she moves out... .it will end, she go into hermit mode to try to figure things out... .then try again. Rinse/repeat... .forever. The only thing I will do to "rescue" her after that point... .and she needs to come to me to do it, will be to let me talk to her therapist. That's it. Since we will be co-parents as long as we are on this Earth, there is some chance of that happening since I will see her all of the freaking time. I offered it a month ago when I thought there was an off chance of saving things. She was open to it, but after I confronted her about her pathological lying, she shut down. Done.
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« Reply #8 on: October 24, 2013, 03:21:26 PM »

I don't blame them for not wanting to seek help. It's a way of life for them. They spent many years figuring out how to "ease the pain" they're feeling.

Imagine if the rest of the world was like them and we were the odd man out. How easy would it be for us to not give a sh** about anything anymore? We can't just turn off our feelings for them. They're dealing with the same thing just in reverse.

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« Reply #9 on: October 24, 2013, 03:39:24 PM »

I once scratched my own head about this same topic but knowing that something is "off" about you and being motivated to do something about it is two entirely different lanes.

Our ex's aren't motivated.

And as human beings most of us aren't willing to change unless the bottom falls out and what we're doing is no longer working for us. It's kinda like sticking to the Devil you know vs. facing the unknown.

Our ex's repress really PAINFUL stuff. Shame is painful. Facing Abandonment is Painful. Facing Abuse is Painful. Humiliation and Being Violated is painful. Many things happened to our ex's at a time when they were defenseless children. Facing this pain and that special brand of "BPD ugly" would require massive cohones and courage.

Their sense of themselves is already unstable so facing their own truth would feel like falling into the pits of a bottomless black hole.

Spell

This really hit home for me. My uBPDexgf was high-functioning, had a good job, many graduate degrees and from the outside it appeared she had everything together in her life. I consider myself a very deep person and I do believe that is a big reason why she was attracted to me; I could do what she could not and that was be introspective. Throughout the relationship with me, she acknowledged many times that she knew there was something wrong inside of her. I, too, knew that something was tormenting her and I wanted so badly to be able to rescue her from that pain. However, she claims to have tried therapy and after several sessions of crying and pouring her heart out (allegedly), the T concluded that she was perfectly normal and knew what she wanted and needed to just continue to persevere in life. It appears she at least tried, but I would guess that she didn't really get to the deep parts of her pain because she is so afraid of it. The truth is, she doesn't have to right now. She's young, beautiful and successful and it will continue to be easy for her to suppress the pain while she soothes herself with these many men through her BPD behavior. Maybe when she is old, fat and grey she will attempt to help herself. Until then, it's too easy.
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« Reply #10 on: October 24, 2013, 03:40:15 PM »

We all on here have different stories but when it comes down to it they are all basically the same process.  Some last months and some years, but the story is typically very similar.  My question is... .How can a BPD continue to repeat the process over and over typically without a break between relationships?  Certainly this has to wear on them at some point.  You would think they would crater at some point.  I have heard it said that most High Functioning BPD people refuse therapy.  Certainly these people realize they have issues.  My ex went off the deep end when I suggested BPD.  I wonder if many refuse help due to the stigma?  Thoughts on this?

Their driving motivation is to hide shame and not feel abandoned, so I think in that respect its easy for them to keep moving to the next with little pause, In an effort to avoid these feelings.  People with BPD are usually pretty intelligent, very manipulative and quite resourceful and they've had a lifetime of experience honing their skill on identifying values and traits in others that will show them they are a "sure thing" so their supply of victims seems endless.  

Its a sad thing knowing that that person will forever erode their relationships from the inside out.  Even if they werent disordered its darn near impossible to take any lessons or admit any responsibility from previous relationships when you just keep overlapping.  :)oes it wear them down? you bet it does.  Ive started a discussion before about high blood pressure and BPD, and the fact that they keep moving on and continually make the same mistakes and they usually escalate over time only further cements that they are in serious internal turmoil.  I dont know if they go off the deep end per se.  But eventually, I assume that they do have a breakdown at some point.  you just may never hear about it.  Youll be long gone by then.









 
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« Reply #11 on: October 24, 2013, 03:46:59 PM »

We all on here have different stories but when it comes down to it they are all basically the same process.  Some last months and some years, but the story is typically very similar.  My question is... .How can a BPD continue to repeat the process over and over typically without a break between relationships?  Certainly this has to wear on them at some point.  You would think they would crater at some point.  I have heard it said that most High Functioning BPD people refuse therapy.  Certainly these people realize they have issues.  My ex went off the deep end when I suggested BPD.  I wonder if many refuse help due to the stigma?  Thoughts on this?

Their driving motivation is to hide shame and not feel abandoned, so I think in that respect its easy for them to keep moving to the next with little pause, In an effort to avoid these feelings.  People with BPD are usually pretty intelligent, very manipulative and quite resourceful and they've had a lifetime of experience honing their skill on identifying values and traits in others that will show them they are a "sure thing" so their supply of victims seems endless. 

Its a sad thing knowing that that person will forever erode their relationships from the inside out.  Even if they werent disordered its darn near impossible to take any lessons or admit any responsibility from previous relationships when you just keep overlapping.  Does it wear them down? you bet it does.  Ive started a discussion before about high blood pressure and BPD, and the fact that they keep moving on and continually make the same mistakes and they usually escalate over time only further cements that they are in serious internal turmoil.  I dont know if they go off the deep end per se.  But eventually, I assume that they do have a breakdown at some point.  you just may never hear about it.  Youll be long gone by then.





This is very interesting. My grandmother, who I believe suffered from BPD, had a nervous breakdown later in life. Your post has me thinking if the two are correlated.
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« Reply #12 on: October 24, 2013, 05:23:15 PM »

I think this topic makes it a little more appreciable that what our BPDex's do/did to us is not personal- we are just another in the long line of those who enter and then leave their lives.

I had a setback yesterday and looked at her facebook page.  I couldn't see much at all, just that she had a new profile picture up, a self taken picture with some historical mining related structure in the background (her hometown (also where she is now I believe) is an old mining town).  The picture went up a few days ago and had 5 likes- 3 from mom, stepmom, and sister as well as a comment or two from the same group.  Her relationship status is hidden (even if you are friends with her on FB, it is hidden), but on one of the guys she is seeing it says they are engaged.  Another one of the guys has his profile picture of the two of them at a wedding.  I have heard that there is a third guy, but I don't know him.

I really didn't see much at all when I broke down yesterday- I had known previously about the engaged status on the one guys page, and the profile picture on the other guys. But today I have been thinking a little about the profile picture she put up... .how she is smiling in it, its a gorgeous day out behind her, etc. I wondered to myself how she could really be happy... .I know her well enough to know that, the entire 9 months I was with her, there was constantly some fallout she was dealing with because of her actions, or because of thing with her family, or health issues, not to mention the shame and memories of the past. I thought about how she lied to a lot of people as to why she was leaving town (the town I am in, the town where we dated last year), telling them she has cancer when she in fact has no such thing. I thought about the fact that she has been married before, engaged a few times on top of that, and been with tons and tons of guys all at the ripe old age of 22. And I thought about how sad it all is... .I slipped and actually had the thought, "If only I could sit down and talk with her, she would see it all and could fix her life and be the apologetic, remorseful person that I want to see for all that she did to me".  Then the depressing reality struck that she simply isn't capable of that. She is going to keep on sleeping around and dating multiple people at once.  All of her friends that she made here in my town (with the exception of the two (3?) guys she is playing currently) have turned their backs on her because they got wise to her game... .she is now working as a speech and debate coach at her old (one of them) high school after having dropped out of college last semester after getting a 2.something low GPA and being academically suspended by the university.  She is driving an out of control train and no matter how loud anyone shouts, she isn't going to hear it.

It is very sad.  I can't believe I accepted what she did or the rocky relationship we had as "normal" for as long as I did... .I don't think it helped that it was my first dating experience.  But to live that life forever? To constantly be weaving and having to maintain a web of lies so you can be romantically involved with 2-3 people at once? It is disgusting and also sad.
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« Reply #13 on: October 24, 2013, 06:06:55 PM »

hi octoberfest.

I think this topic makes it a little more appreciable that what our BPDex's do/did to us is not personal- we are just another in the long line of those who enter and then leave their lives.

yesterday in therapy i mentioned that this site has become a very important source of comfort to me. the therapist asked me why this was so. "because it depersonalizes what happened." i have been in a living hell for the past four months, and it isn't over for a time yet. but it is crucially important to the healing that will come to understand that this is an emotional disease, and that i was more an object to her than a person.
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« Reply #14 on: October 24, 2013, 06:28:28 PM »

I think this topic makes it a little more appreciable that what our BPDex's do/did to us is not personal- we are just another in the long line of those who enter and then leave their lives.

I had a setback yesterday and looked at her facebook page.  I couldn't see much at all, just that she had a new profile picture up, a self taken picture with some historical mining related structure in the background (her hometown (also where she is now I believe) is an old mining town).  The picture went up a few days ago and had 5 likes- 3 from mom, stepmom, and sister as well as a comment or two from the same group.  Her relationship status is hidden (even if you are friends with her on FB, it is hidden), but on one of the guys she is seeing it says they are engaged.  Another one of the guys has his profile picture of the two of them at a wedding.  I have heard that there is a third guy, but I don't know him.

I really didn't see much at all when I broke down yesterday- I had known previously about the engaged status on the one guys page, and the profile picture on the other guys. But today I have been thinking a little about the profile picture she put up... .how she is smiling in it, its a gorgeous day out behind her, etc. I wondered to myself how she could really be happy... .I know her well enough to know that, the entire 9 months I was with her, there was constantly some fallout she was dealing with because of her actions, or because of thing with her family, or health issues, not to mention the shame and memories of the past. I thought about how she lied to a lot of people as to why she was leaving town (the town I am in, the town where we dated last year), telling them she has cancer when she in fact has no such thing. I thought about the fact that she has been married before, engaged a few times on top of that, and been with tons and tons of guys all at the ripe old age of 22. And I thought about how sad it all is... .I slipped and actually had the thought, "If only I could sit down and talk with her, she would see it all and could fix her life and be the apologetic, remorseful person that I want to see for all that she did to me".  Then the depressing reality struck that she simply isn't capable of that. She is going to keep on sleeping around and dating multiple people at once.  All of her friends that she made here in my town (with the exception of the two (3?) guys she is playing currently) have turned their backs on her because they got wise to her game... .she is now working as a speech and debate coach at her old (one of them) high school after having dropped out of college last semester after getting a 2.something low GPA and being academically suspended by the university.  She is driving an out of control train and no matter how loud anyone shouts, she isn't going to hear it.

It is very sad.  I can't believe I accepted what she did or the rocky relationship we had as "normal" for as long as I did... .I don't think it helped that it was my first dating experience.  But to live that life forever? To constantly be weaving and having to maintain a web of lies so you can be romantically involved with 2-3 people at once? It is disgusting and also sad.

Octoberfest

This is a perfect example.  I just can't see how this can last over and over for a lifetime. It has to be exhausting managing the constant lies.

The only way they can start fresh is to move! Ironically, my ex asked me to move with her to Costa Rica during our Honeymoon stage Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #15 on: October 24, 2013, 08:58:48 PM »

Our ex's aren't motivated.

And as human beings most of us aren't willing to change unless the bottom falls out and what we're doing is no longer working for us.

She's young, beautiful and successful and it will continue to be easy for her to suppress the pain while she soothes herself with these many men through her BPD behavior. Maybe when she is old, fat and grey she will attempt to help herself. Until then, it's too easy.

I was just thinking this exact thing today. It will not be until his looks are gone and his charm is not enough. Right now there is no shortage of women. They think they have hit the jackpot.
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« Reply #16 on: October 24, 2013, 09:12:28 PM »

I was also wondering today why would he jeopardize his job, which he just got promoted to this year and I know would never want to lose, by starting up with a close coworker. What's gonna happen when the hit hits the fan? I mean he can cut and run from me but he will be there everyday with her. She is a director so I don't see her going anywhere soon.

Can he really be that in denial or that optimistic. I don't get it.
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« Reply #17 on: October 24, 2013, 11:58:06 PM »

Excerpt
The only way they can start fresh is to move!

My Husbands work made it possible for him to essentially do that. While having the wife at home. Triangulation from the get go. And his ex wife, for when he was home with me. Just a web of deceit that goes back years and I was too blind and trusting to see it. And, at one point, he wanted to just up and move without warning. Don't know what that was about. Said he could go, I was staying put. Made no sense at all.

Excerpt
I once scratched my own head about this same topic but knowing that something is "off" about you and being motivated to do something about it is two entirely different lanes.

Our ex's aren't motivated.

And as human beings most of us aren't willing to change unless the bottom falls out and what we're doing is no longer working for us. It's kinda like sticking to the Devil you know vs. facing the unknown.

Our ex's repress really PAINFUL stuff. Shame is painful. Facing Abandonment is Painful. Facing Abuse is Painful. Humiliation and Being Violated is painful. Many things happened to our ex's at a time when they were defenseless children. Facing this pain and that special brand of "BPD ugly" would require massive cohones and courage.

Their sense of themselves is already unstable so facing their own truth would feel like falling into the pits of a bottomless black hole.

Spell

If there wasn't something "off" to begin with, there certainly was over time with my H. It was untenable.

Love is not "instantaneous" and it's not the crazy wild ride of BPD swept off my feet malarkey. It sure felt great at the time, but the crash? Not so good. Learned a great deal though. Really solid boundaries and you only get through if I let you in. One old wound healed in the process that I wasn't even aware was there. Hope no more surprises of that nature.
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« Reply #18 on: October 25, 2013, 12:09:31 AM »

When my exUBPDgf... .

Left me again... .

In round 2 of discard... .

She admitted... .

She denied... .

Then admitted... .

And denied... .

All in one sentence... .

In reference to her disorder.

When someone... .

Can do that... .

All in one sentence... .

There is no further trying.

I had tried... .

All i could... .

Up until she left... .

To shine a light... .

On that.

As you can see... .

It made no difference.
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« Reply #19 on: October 25, 2013, 01:26:20 PM »

Surely on moments where they are alone - as we all are - it must strike them that they threw away genuinely good love in among all those misplaced rebounds which were only actioned to avoid the BPD- 'being alone' element. TBH my dexBPDgf is scum as far as I'm concerned, but it might make me respect her an insy winsy bit more if I heard 'sorry'. We're all having our convalescence period now, cooling down, recovering - they do not they rebound. In their heads its to be with someone anyone  is better than being what we are now - alone, struggling - conversely caused by them!

Wow, never think they get the best deal - they're mentally ill they will experience great conflict in their lives, great suffering, destroy friendships (as SURELY BPD affects bona fide friendships) and they will never invariably last in a relationship unless s/he who they get with are super indestructibly resilient - until they break.   We will recover, we will survive.

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« Reply #20 on: October 26, 2013, 12:52:29 AM »

Great topic, I have wondered this myself. All of her adult life my ex has been in a relationship of some sort. The only "real" relationship she has had was with her ex she had right before me. Otherwise it was sleeping with a married man, and various other random guys but nothing where she was in a serious relationship. Then there was me, again we were together 5 years, she was with her previous ex 6 years and prior to that in medical school so not a lot of time for relationships. I thought she would be in one already but alas she is not... .although I have heard some fascinating things about what she is doing (thank you to the guy who does both our hair, and is my friend) in regards to her sexual exploits. It makes me sad really. She is almost 44 and still very attractive and yet I think that her crazy might actually be having an effect on her finding a relationship more than just one night stands. I am pretty shocked that she has not found someone yet but she hasn't. So maybe they do get exhausted I don't know.
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« Reply #21 on: October 26, 2013, 02:01:01 AM »

When my diagnosed ex wife told me she wanted to leave me she said she wanted to "be on her own,"  True, she had not ever really been without someone in her life with whom to have sex.  She was sexually active at 12.  I know this because I grew up in her neighborhood.  I have known of her for 34 years, together for 25, separated for 1.5 years.  She had many "boyfriends

and "one-nighters" while married to me.

So she wanted to leave a marriage, house, three kids... .to "be on her own."  But she has not been alone.  She was already sleeping with "Mike" when she left me.  "Mike" was a rebound from ":)anny,"  who dumped her for another strange woman.  All while married to me, mind you.  There were many before them as well.  Now she is with a new guy. 

As a therapist herself, she is well aware that she has BPD (and bipolar). Yet she will not stop acting in this very predictable way.  It must be tiring and old.  Yet, as said above, it is the life to which has grown accustomed.

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« Reply #22 on: October 26, 2013, 02:12:47 AM »

fiddlestix

That is what my ex told me too! As a doctor who spent until 31 in training then in one serious long term relationship right into ours until now it seemed believable although painful as hell. She wanted the freedom to do what she wanted, without responsibility. Well she started saying this about a month before she left but we had a house, a dog, a cat and a 2 year old and I was 3 months from getting my undergraduate degree in a very challenging field. So I pushed back and said no she can't just run off for a week at a moments notice and do whatever she wanted.

So now we are almost divorced, for that reason among many others I am sure. We share 50/50 custody, she is very limited in what she can do in accordance to our parenting schedule and her work schedule, she is finding that she has less freedom at the moment anyway than if she had stayed and that makes her so angry.

All the things she wanted she isn't getting, or doing for herself. Like you said, they have to be attached somehow, even just sex. I don't think she is in a relationship but I am sure she is getting sex someplace. It is sad really.
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« Reply #23 on: October 26, 2013, 09:46:35 PM »

@Wearsall

Yes thank you for calling your ex a scum because that is exactly how I feel about my ex-wife she is nothing but scum. I know she has a disorder but to bad they also know right from wrong. And to just pick up and leave a loving husband and two young boys so you can run around and screw with a couple guys at one time I'm sorry I have no Remorse for this woman. Not to mention that one of these guys is our family friend neighbor from across the street can you believe the audacity of this woman she doesn't even consider her eight-year-old son's feelings when contemplating this move.  Not to mention the fact that she has been going around telling people family, friends, that I beat on her beat on my kids and raped her. All just so our neighbor across the street could feel sorry for her to feel like she's a victim so she can get him under her power and make him her next victim. She also has totally abandon her mother sister and brother. All because she's caught in her lies so now she moves on and just forgets everyone else!

Again thank you for the courage and honesty to post that your ex is a scum because brother I feel exactly the same way about my ex she is nothing but scum!
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« Reply #24 on: October 27, 2013, 12:16:39 AM »

@Wearsall

Yes thank you for calling your ex a scum because that is exactly how I feel about my ex-wife she is nothing but scum. I know she has a disorder but to bad they also know right from wrong. And to just pick up and leave a loving husband and two young boys so you can run around and screw with a couple guys at one time I'm sorry I have no Remorse for this woman. Not to mention that one of these guys is our family friend neighbor from across the street can you believe the audacity of this woman she doesn't even consider her eightin-year-old son's feelings when contemplating this move.  Not to mention the fact that she has been going around telling people family, friends, that I beat on her beat on my kids and raped her. All just so our neighbor across the street could feel sorry for her to feel like she's a victim so she can get him under her power and make him her next victim. She also has totally abandon her mother sister and brother. All because she's caught in her lies so now she moves on and just forgets everyone else!

Again thank you for the courage and honesty to post that your ex is a scum because brother I feel exactly the same way about my ex she is nothing but scum!

my story is nowhere as bad as yours... .but we have small kids. they look for people like us. rescuers... .caretakers, and suck them in... .but no excuses.they know what they are doing. So did The Other. it is inexcusable. Always.
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« Reply #25 on: October 27, 2013, 12:41:14 AM »

@Wearsall

Yes thank you for calling your ex a scum because that is exactly how I feel about my ex-wife she is nothing but scum. I know she has a disorder but to bad they also know right from wrong. And to just pick up and leave a loving husband and two young boys so you can run around and screw with a couple guys at one time I'm sorry I have no Remorse for this woman. Not to mention that one of these guys is our family friend neighbor from across the street can you believe the audacity of this woman she doesn't even consider her eightin-year-old son's feelings when contemplating this move.  Not to mention the fact that she has been going around telling people family, friends, that I beat on her beat on my kids and raped her. All just so our neighbor across the street could feel sorry for her to feel like she's a victim so she can get him under her power and make him her next victim. She also has totally abandon her mother sister and brother. All because she's caught in her lies so now she moves on and just forgets everyone else!

Again thank you for the courage and honesty to post that your ex is a scum because brother I feel exactly the same way about my ex she is nothing but scum!

my story is nowhere as bad as yours... .but we have small kids. they look for people like us. rescuers... .caretakers, and suck them in... .but no excuses.they know what they are doing. So did The Other. it is inexcusable. Always.

In bold.

Yes.

In bold/underlined.

The other side.

That one knows... .

All about you.

Hell on earth.
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« Reply #26 on: October 27, 2013, 01:19:24 AM »

my story is nowhere as bad as yours... .but we have small kids. they look for people like us. rescuers... .caretakers, and suck them in... .but no excuses.they know what they are doing.

do they?  do they really "look" for us?  do they "suck us in"?  sounds sinister... .i think on their side, you're giving them too much credit and on our Non side, not requiring us to recognize and carry enough of the responsibility of what happened.

see, what i think happens, or at least this is what i saw with my xBPDgf, is she would "cast her net", so to speak.  i mean, she trolled.  she approached everybody with an oozing of seduction/sexuality/innocence/compassion/joy de vive/etc.  she offered friendship/understanding/compassion AND her phone number (cell and landline) as well as her email, to an amazing amount of people.  reminds me of cold-calling sales, actually... . Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)... .  the odds are on their side that eventually someone's gonna take the bait.  i can't call that "sucking me in".  i confess to being a sucker, tho! Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

i got caught in her net.  how?  i bleeping jumped into it, that's how,  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) !  she didn't look for me, entrap me, catch me, or do anything else (initially) that i could call underhanded.  i wasn't taken as a hostage ~ oh no, i was drawn to her like a magnet!
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« Reply #27 on: October 27, 2013, 06:08:18 AM »

Excerpt
How can a BPD continue to repeat the process over and over typically without a break between relationships?

Being a high-functioning type, my ex developed very interesting compensation and coping strategies:

1. while in the relationship he always traveled a lot by himself for a job or leisure, LDR was common in his all relationships, in seven years he lived in 4 countries without spending a year at least in two,

2. he would have a line-up of potential gfs while being in a relationship with someone,

3. he would find the reasons behind that were external - "my ex left me", "I feel so terribly alone, I do not feel love, there is no connection", "those are just sexual relationships" (but all were way too dramatic for being just that),

4. there was a vague acknowledgement: once he told me that all our (implying mine and his) relationships were built on the hurt of others and often that he needed to be alone, as he was not ready for anything (even though dating actively),

5. he also drank a lot when feeling down (most of the time),

6. liked the idea to talk to a counselor, "to vent about his life, just to talk", but never did it with the rationalization, that they are at the end humans and could give a bad advice, and since I had a certain background - he could do it with me - free of charge! Of course, I told him 1000 times that it did not work like this. Then it was another rationalization of needing a close friend with whom he could talk about everything,

7. also it seems that at the end of the day he needed that craziness and intensity - it was a good way to divert his attention from the problems inside of him - shame, guilt and self-loathing. 
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« Reply #28 on: October 27, 2013, 08:12:09 AM »

When my exUBPDgf... .

Left me again... .

In round 2 of discard... .

She admitted... .

She denied... .

Then admitted... .

And denied... .

All in one sentence... .

In reference to her disorder.

When someone... .

Can do that... .

All in one sentence... .

There is no further trying.

I had tried... .

All i could... .

Up until she left... .

To shine a light... .

On that.

As you can see... .

It made no difference.

So accurate it hurts.
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« Reply #29 on: October 27, 2013, 08:46:37 AM »

 My DBPDexgf actually saw a therapist(s) but if she could deceive me, herself, and others, then couldn't she deceive her therapist also?

Ask someone who counsels a pwBPD, its a frustrating process.
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