Stop me before I write an angry email to her

[Parents! Get help here!]

I have been vacillating back and forth between anger and trying to be detached with BPD DIL.

She has been giving us the silent treatment for 2 months now.

Last conversation was asking for money which we don't have.  Husband had just been to hospital with chest pain, but she didn't want to hear about it on phone... .wanted to hang up once she heard there was no money.

Today I'm working on my mom's computer remotely and see an email to my mom from her.  She asked her for money.  My mom is giving it to her.

I didn't totally object because I know she will lose her place to live and if that happens, then she will lose custody of the grandkids and they will go to a worse fate, believe it or not, which would be primary custody by my husband's mean sociopathic son. 

I am so angry.  I am so angry she ignores me, goes behind my back and is soo manipulative.  I think she's a total bhit.

My stomach is in a knot and there's nowhere to go with this other than to yell at my husband, which he doesn't deserve.  I'm so dying to write her an email and tell her what I think of her atm.

I hate this.

[brillo]

I have been vacillating back and forth between anger and trying to be detached with BPD DIL.

She has been giving us the silent treatment for 2 months now.

Last conversation was asking for money which we don't have.  Husband had just been to hospital with chest pain, but she didn't want to hear about it on phone... .wanted to hang up once she heard there was no money.

Today I'm working on my mom's computer remotely and see an email to my mom from her.  She asked her for money.  My mom is giving it to her.

I didn't totally object because I know she will lose her place to live and if that happens, then she will lose custody of the grandkids and they will go to a worse fate, believe it or not, which would be primary custody by my husband's mean sociopathic son. 

I am so angry.  I am so angry she ignores me, goes behind my back and is soo manipulative.  I think she's a total bhit.

My stomach is in a knot and there's nowhere to go with this other than to yell at my husband, which he doesn't deserve.  I'm so dying to write her an email and tell her what I think of her atm.

I hate this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Brillo

I hear your frustration and hurt but I think you know that writing an email is not going to improve the situation. Brillo have you looked at any of the workshops here? There is really a great deal of help here. I urge you to take some time to read them. You can not control your DIL but you can change yourself and once you focus on that you can let go of the anger and realize you are dealing with a very sick person. Take time to look at your boundaries and try to protect yourself from abuse. I think you need to ask yourself if you want things to be better or are you stuck in a cycle of repeating the same patterns that leave you feeling the same way. Take a look at lesson 2 and maybe you can find some help there.

[brillo]

Thanks jellibeans.  Looking through Lesson 2.

It would be so easy to deal with her if the grandkids weren't a factor.

Are any of you in the same boat?  Do you have an adult BPD child with children?  How do you figure out what to do when any action towards the BPD affects them too?

Since we were unable to give her money, she told them not to talk to us.  That was Sept. 1. 

I know she told them not to talk to us because she sent a text to my husband saying "i didn't tell them not to talk to you".  Since he didn't ask about that, I know that the opposite is true.  That's just how it works with her.  Ordinarily they frequently Skype with us of their own accord.

My oldest granddaughter's birthday is this weekend and I can't even send her a present since BPD won't give us her new address.  What is my granddaughter going to think?

This is why i keep grappling with the idea of giving up on my grandkids.  It is through them that these crazy adult kids have had their hooks in me.  I tell myself that my grandkids know I'm here, I suppose they know how to reach me if they want.  But they are only 11 and 12... .  Is this the only way to get out of this terrible cycle? 

[lbjnltx]

Oh Brillo!

I hear so much anguish in your post.  I'm sorry that you are in this terrible situation and unsure of how to get out of it.

Usually when I can't see a way I go back to the basics and ask myself questions like:

What is the ultimate goal?

What do I have the power to do to reach that goal?

What do I have to let go of to reach that goal?

A long time ago... .before I was married and had a child I would listen to Dr. Laura Schlesinger on the radio.  Time and time again people would call in complaining about their daughter in law  or son in law and how they couldn't get along with them.  They were trying to figure out how to be part of their grandchildrens lives and change the dil or sil.

Dr. Laura's response was always the same... .you can't have both.  Choose one.  Get along with the dil or sil so that you can have access to your grandchildren... .or give up having a r/s with the grandchildren.

If you choose to have the r/s with the grandkids we can help you learn the skills it will take to get along with your dil.

So... .what is your ultimate goal? What are you willing to let go of to achieve that goal?

[jellibeans]

Brillo

There are many on this site in the same situation as you. I hope that they find your thread and chime in because they do have a lot of experience when grandkids are involved. I have a dd16 and I don't think it matters how old our children are that have BPD there are fundamental things we can do to make our interaction with them better. lbj has given you some good advise and although it  maybe seem simply it is very hard to let go of the hurt etc... .It really is a choice... .my dd16 was hospitalize too many times to count last year... .my emotions ran the full spectrum but I realized the only person I have control of is myself... .I was going to do everything I could to help my child and at the same time put some boundaries in place to protect myself.

Your mom is giving her money and there is nothing you can do about that. What in this whole thing can you do? You can walk away and cut ties... .that might be the best but what if instead you wrote her a heart felt letter... .not I am going to tell you how I feel about you but something different... .one that validated her and was emphatic toward her financial woes. Maybe one that expressed how you have missed her and your grandkids very much and are willing to work on the relationship so the future can be better for all.

When dealing with BPD you have to be the one in control of your emotions because they are not. Don't let your emotional mind guide you with what to do... .use your mindfulness to think clearly. We all get frustrated and we have all been hurt but getting past that is key. I hope more post soon... .please keep us posted... .give yourself some time before proceeding.

[crazedncrazymom]

Brillo,

Did you write the email?  Inquiring minds need to know! 

How are you feeling today?  I do hope you're in a better frame of mind and not feeling so much anger and hurt today.

-crazed

[brillo]

Brillo,

Did you write the email?  Inquiring minds need to know! 

How are you feeling today?  I do hope you're in a better frame of mind and not feeling so much anger and hurt today.

-crazed

No I didn't.  Thank you for thinking of me.

Feeling much calmer about it today.  Time does heal.  Hardest part is that the situation is so complicated and there's literally no one I can talk to who can possibly understand - or who has that much time on their hands!

Here's the latest -

She used to get some financial help from her long distance boyfriend, but they just broke up.  I noticed on his FB page that around 50 people "liked" it when he announced he was single and there were about 10 comments along the lines of "thank god it's about time."  So people must have known about what she was like.  Sad.

She called my mom for the wire the day before yesterday while my mom was driving to visit my brother's grave.  (My little brother died 9 years ago on the 22nd.)  DIL was aware of that and insisting that my mom turn around and go to the bank wire it right away.  My mom told her that wasn't going to happen and it would have to wait until the next morning.

The next day my mom wired the money.  I spoke to my mom about it and she told me she knew she was not going to be repaid but that it was for the kids and she was okay with that.  I explained to my mom what if it were the other way round - like what if I called DIL's parents unbeknownst to her and told them to give me money?  When you change the players like that - it's obvious how crazy it is!

Anyway my mom sent her 3 emails asking her to confirm she got the wire.  She also left a phone message.  No answer.  Finally this morning DIL emailed my mom that the agent didn't let her have the place because she was late with the money.

Now I know she has nowhere to live.  I have the feeling that the kids have been staying at their APD dad's this whole time.  I feel bad for DIL, but you know if she had just been willing to communicate with people who cared about her, it would not have gotten to a crisis stage.  So aggravating to watch.

Also to complicate matters more - there was just a custody evaluation which went more in DIL's favor, but it was challenged and so another private evaluation is going on right now.  Being homeless in the middle of that... .well it doesn't look good, does it?  My granddaughters do NOT want to live with their dad.  But I have done all I can do to prevent that and I'm really starting to believe that their mother is too mentally ill to hang on to her primary parent status.

So now I'm basically telling myself that I have done all I could possibly do to help her with custody - legally, financially and more.  No matter what is decided, I did try my best.

Sometimes I think about doing "Medium Chill" but I don't know... .

My biggest problem is the inability to communicate with my grandkids.  They have no cell phone I can call.  No computer (she took it away from them) so no Skype.  And no address so I can't mail them.  The oldest one has a birthday in 3 days and I have a card sitting here that I can't send.

I'm still thinking about a SET style letter, to address communication with the grandkids.  If I do write it - I'm going to run it by you all first.  She tends to interpret everything as criticism!

[crazedncrazymom]

Such a crazy situation.  I can't believe she would write your mother for money.  I suppose she was desperate.  I really do think the letter with SET techniques will be the best way to go.  I don't know how I could live with the idea that someone is holding my grandkids for ransom.  Either I'm their grandmother or I'm not.  I think you could look at grandparents rights.  I really don't know anything about that but it's worth looking into.

Please let us know how we can help.  Keep on coming back here.  At least this is a place to find some sanity and peace in a crazy situation.

-crazed

[brillo]

Well the train has wrecked.

She finally did email me - no message - just attached the results of the 2nd custody evaluation.

This was a private evaluation by a guy hired by her APD ex, so of course it is biased.  But she really seemed to bring out the worst in this guy.  It was a pretty vicious report about her.  (and he did conclude she was BPD btw)

Some of it is, as usual, self-inflicted wounds.  She did not cooperate with the evaluation.  Failed to return calls, cancelled 3 meetings in a row.  The guy had 10/30 deadline so he was not amused.  He also was supposed to do a home visit, but she has been evicted so she was really in a spot.  Had she cooperated with him a month ago, the home visit would have occurred before the eviction.  Had she communicated with us, we would have advised her of that.  Sigh.

The grandkids are not doing well from what that evaluator said.  The younger one has always been an A student and her grades have plummeted.  She was the one who was in contact with us the most until her mother either overtly or covertly banned her from talking to us.  For reasons yet unknown.

Evaluator of course is recommending that APD ex be made the primary parent and she will get 40%.  At this point, I'm thinking that's not a bad deal.  Now I feel that realistically... .even if she could come up with the minimum $20k needed for the legal battle... .even if she could get that money, I no longer believe she can get her act together enough to pull it off.

So - I think her sending the report to me is a form of reaching out for her.

I am trying to figure out what to say to her now.  I am so disappointed/angry with her but at the same time, I know she is in a lot of pain right now.

something along the lines of

We know how hard you have been working to resolve your custody issues the past year.

This report must be so very painful for you.

We hope you are willing to re-open the lines of communication with us.  While we cannot help you out financially, we can help you explore what your options are at this point.  We are very sad that we missed [oldest daughter]'s birthday last week and it hurts to think she might have concluded that we don't care about her.  We would love the opportunity to talk to girls sometime.  Please give us a call anytime.

Any suggestions about the wording of the above? 

If she talks to us, then we can see if she is willing to talk about what her next steps are.  She is really in a crisis situation.  Living in a hotel with what little money she has dwindling away, all her stuff in a storage locker.  I doubt her ex knows exactly what's going on, but I'm sure he is suspicious as hell.  This also means that the kids are having to cover for her.

Sigh.

[pessim-optimist]

Hi brillo,

It must be so stressful to try to figure out what to do, I remember feeling similar when my step-daughter was not talking to us and we were worried, angry and so so sad for our grandchildren's sake... .

I think you are right that she is trying to reach out to you. And even though the kids' situation is not great, sharing time between an APD dad and BPD mom - at least the matter is settled for the moment.

something along the lines of

We know how hard you have been working to resolve your custody issues the past year.

This report must be so very painful for you.

We hope you are willing to re-open the lines of communication with us.  While we cannot help you out financially, we can help you explore what your options are at this point.  We are very sad that we missed [oldest daughter]'s birthday last week and it hurts to think she might have concluded that we don't care about her.  We would love the opportunity to talk to girls sometime.  Please give us a call anytime.

Any suggestions about the wording of the above? 

I think there are some really good ideas in your letter.

If I was writing the response, I would try put my emotions aside and try to focus on her and reach back to her, leaving options open regarding the kids.

Something like: 'We know how hard you have been working to relsolve your custody issues the past year. This report must be so very painful for you. Thank you for sharing it with us. We are thinking of you and the girls. Please call us if you'd like to talk to hear a friendly voice, we would love to hear from you. Also, would you give our love to (granddaughter's name) belatedly for her birthday?'

Does she 'live' in the area? Perhaps you could even invite them over... .?

Hope this helps - I know that talking here on the website is much easier than doing it actually in real life... .

I have personally found out that dealing with my emotions separately from my step-daughter helps (in the past I was denying my feelings and stuffing them inside me - that was not healthy. These days I talk my emotions out here, or with others in my life. In the future, I plan to learn to share my negative feelings with my step-daughter in a constructive way - but first I am learning to do that around healthy people, before I do it with someone, who is likely to over-react, or misunderstand me... .)

Others might chime in with some good ideas on what to say... .

[lbjnltx]

Well the train has wrecked.


something along the lines of

We know how hard you have been working to resolve your custody issues the past year.

This report must be so very painful for you.

We hope you are willing to re-open the lines of communication with us.  While we cannot help you out financially, we can help you explore what your options are at this point.  We are very sad that we missed [oldest daughter]'s birthday last week and it hurts to think she might have concluded that we don't care about her.  We would love the opportunity to talk to girls sometime.  Please give us a call anytime.

Any suggestions about the wording of the above? 

We are here to help you in anyway we are able and that you will accept.  Above all things we love you.  We know how hard you have been working to resolve your custody issues the past year and how this report must be so very painful for you.  We are very sad that we missed [oldest daughter]'s birthday last week and it hurts to think she might have concluded that we don't care about her.  Please convey our love to her and (other granddaughter).  Our thoughts and prayers are with you all.  We are here for you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[brillo]

Thank you both so much for the help.

I sent sort of an amalgamation of the three and she called back right away.

We both talked to her but mostly just asked questions and let her talk.  It's hard not to jump in and give advice or tell her what to do.

That's my new task is trying to just ask questions and listen, giving advice only when requested and not saying anything if I disagree about her course of action.

I'm trying to just deal with validating now - S.E.T. seems very tricky (the truth part at least).

Thanks again for taking the time to write that email!

[pessim-optimist]

That's so good to hear brillo!

I take it the conversation went well.

You are absolutely right - starting with the easier stuff is a good plan!