Dealing with the humps during the healing process

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello my dear friends.

Today is 6 weeks NC with my BPDex. I can certainly sense that I am healing but gosh there are those humps where I just almost freeze, reminisce, feel so alone and wonder wonder wonder. 

But the humps come and go. I try to change the focus of my attention to myself instead of her.  I divert my focus to my childhood trauma instead of her trauma.  This has helped me heal.

I do hang out with friends - but nothing crazy like parties or the sort.  I think that just masks my pains which really need to just come to the surface.

Would love to hear other people's getting over the humps strategies.

[hopealways]

Hello my dear friends.

Today is 6 weeks NC with my BPDex. I can certainly sense that I am healing but gosh there are those humps where I just almost freeze, reminisce, feel so alone and wonder wonder wonder. 

But the humps come and go. I try to change the focus of my attention to myself instead of her.  I divert my focus to my childhood trauma instead of her trauma.  This has helped me heal.

I do hang out with friends - but nothing crazy like parties or the sort.  I think that just masks my pains which really need to just come to the surface.

Would love to hear other people's getting over the humps strategies.

[Waifed]

I am experiencing the same thing.  I am about 8-9 weeks out and I think about her a lot still.  It hurts pretty bad at times still but I think I am over the laying in the corner in the fetal position stages of recovery.  I think the two hardest things for me are the subconscious dreams and going to places that we used to go to.  Luckily for me I don't have to see her or hear from anyone what she is doing. 

When it hurts I try to read or listen to self help audio books.  That is about it.  Still trying to phase back into the old hobbies that I used to enjoy and have begun reengaging with my friends.  It is very difficult.

I stay away from music because it seems like every song out there is about love.  I also have not been out to any social type gatherings.  Just not ready.  I stay away from alcohol because I am scared to death that I will try to call her.

[Ironmanrises]

Hope... .

For 6 weeks healing... .

You are doing really good.

Shows you have a strong... .

Inner resolve.

Your posts are always positive... .

And upbeat.

A good sign.

You have helped in my healing... .

As well.

A positive force... .

Amongst us... .

Fellow Nons.

The humps... .

Or waves... .

As I like to visualize them... .

For me... .

At 3.5 months NC... .

Still come.

I brace for them.

Sometimes... .

They pull me under... .

But I still... .

Manage... .

To surface... .

Somehow.

I take that gasp... .

Of air... .

And hang on.

That is how... .

I have been dealing with it.

My Japanese language... .

Helps me.

My art... .

Has yet to return.

You guys... .

Help me... .

To stay afloat... .

When... .

The waves... .

Come in multiple numbers.

I extend that... .

Hand... .

Back to all of you.

I am slowly... .

Removing... .

The damaged... .

Pieces of my Ironman suit.

Working on the thoracic... .

Center piece.

The part... .

That surrounds my heart.

Needs to be... .

Better protected.

My repairs... .

Proceed... .

Ever slowly.

Methodically.

Hang in there friend.

When the humps... .

Feel unbearable... .

We are here.

[peas]

I stay away from music because it seems like every song out there is about love.  I also have not been out to any social type gatherings.  Just not ready.  I stay away from alcohol because I am scared to death that I will try to call her.

Me too. And don't get me started on listening to music. I thought there was something wrong with me because I listen to the radio in my car a lot less. You are right, every song out there is about love. I can't even listen to The Beatles -- yeah, try staying away from THEM on the radio -- anymore, or Paul McCartney, because those are his favorite artists and now they are forever in my head linked to him. Bummer because I really like late Beatles and Wings. 

I am 19 weeks broken up and about 15 weeks NC. I had a terrible grief relapse last week. It comes in waves. I still cry at least once a week and my heart is still heavy. This breakup has crippled me. Bad. Worse than I thought I'd be hurt (as someone in her early 40s, I thought I was seasoned enough to have lived through the worst broken heart experiences). But I take it day by day.

[Ironmanrises]

Peas... .


We are here with you.

I know those... .

Tears you speak of.

They rise... .

And fall... .

From my eyes... .

Too.

And... .

I let them.

They have fallen... .

In enough... .

Streams... .

That... .

They've carved... .

A little river channel... .

Alongside... .

The gash... .

In my ironman mask.

Hang in there.

[peas]

I forgot to mention my getting-over-the-hump strategies.

1) this board

2) weekly visits to a good therapist

3) my job -- insanely busy, helps the weeks pass quickly. But sometimes the job stress actually makes the heartbreak stress worse. I can't relax.

4) soul searching, re-evaluating "happiness"

5) unhealthy coping: smoking ciggs

[maxen]

4 months since d-day, 5 weeks no see, going on 4 weeks NC. i don't know how effective my coping strategies are. i try to envisage my life as being in the big world, not in the marriage. i try to focus my energy on all my friendly, healthy, daily personal contacts, not on the psychotically vicious email and personal contacts i had after d-day with the stbxw. i try to focus on her BPD, her emotional cheapness, her arrogance, her lies, her lies about her lies, not on the aspects that attracted me. i spend time here, lots of time here, where people know, support, and commiserate. i go to therapy frequently, where the T tries to keep the focus on me. i email with the samaritans to talk about the darker stuff. i keep in touch with my very few best friends, one of whom has a psychological profile that has elements of mine (i have depression, he's bipolar) and has shown great sympathy. i've made plans for thanksgiving and new years. it's not enough.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

-I walk. Hence the name. Walking helps me clear my mind. Helps my body. It has saved me. Although, he lives near me so I have to see him driving by the trail I walk on and that's not good but I have been walking it since before I was with him so not going to stop now.

-I stay creative. In a creative field so that is something I need and fulfills and distracts me. Trying to start a business in it. Great Diversion.

-watching political stations that he was opposed to so now I get to regain my true self and views again.

-when I am wondering if the new one is getting the idealization I remember that she could also very we'll be getting the devaluation by now. Not that I wish that on anyone.

-focus on the joys of my 18 yr old son. Won't be long before he is out of the house.

I am able to listen to music this time but totally get what everyone is saying. My first discard I drove with the radio off for months.

[hopealways]

Hope... .

For 6 weeks healing... .

You are doing really good.

Shows you have a strong... .

Inner resolve.

Your posts are always positive... .

And upbeat.

A good sign.

You have helped in my healing... .

As well.

A positive force... .

Amongst us... .

Fellow Nons.

The humps... .

Or waves... .

As I like to visualize them... .

For me... .

At 3.5 months NC... .

Still come.

I brace for them.

Sometimes... .

They pull me under... .

But I still... .

Manage... .

To surface... .

Somehow.

I take that gasp... .

Of air... .

And hang on.

That is how... .

I have been dealing with it.

My Japanese language... .

Helps me.

My art... .

Has yet to return.

You guys... .

Help me... .

To stay afloat... .

When... .

The waves... .

Come in multiple numbers.

I extend that... .

Hand... .

Back to all of you.

I am slowly... .

Removing... .

The damaged... .

Pieces of my Ironman suit.

Working on the thoracic... .

Center piece.

The part... .

That surrounds my heart.

Needs to be... .

Better protected.

My repairs... .

Proceed... .

Ever slowly.

Methodically.

Hang in there friend.

When the humps... .

Feel unbearable... .

We are here.

Thank you Ironmanfalls for your kindness as always.  I do notice that if I just hang tough the humps get better within 30 minutes to an hour.  I decided to take a shower first thing this morning and tend to clearing up the clutter in my house. That really helps.  I no longer check my phone often to see if she has texted me to validate me.  My validation now comes from doing things for myself.  I am trying, and you and everyone on this board certainly have helped a lot.

I do try to stay positive. I actually look forward to the day when I will post a farewell post on this board like some have because they have reached a state where they have healed.  Until then, I will continue to support everyone and continue to heal.

[Ironmanrises]

Hope... .

Your awareness... .

Of that... .

Is healing in itself.

You are striving to reach... .

The end goal... .

Of being healed.

You will get there... .

As will all of us.

There is no other choice.

"My validation now comes from doing things for myself... ."

Important step.

You come first.

Hang in there buddy.

[Inside]

It’s hard to say where I’m currently at …been recycled 5 or 6 times in the last two and a half years with my uBPDgf.  Having always learned something, if mainly, that it will never be ‘like it was’…  We’ve remained close, with shared friends and family time, but the constant drifting apart has felt like an easier let down this time.  Our expectations had so dwindled and the scar tissue had become so thick …it’s like there’s nothing to lose.  So, after (only) a week of NC, it’s like ‘so what?’  What have I lost?  Nothing …but a dwindling dysfunctional love affair?

What I’m attempting to describe is what you can expect if you do rekindle your relationship … less of the same … until it becomes apparent there’s really nothing left.  So, do yourself a favor and let it end sooner than later …though sooner hurts much more.  I’ve been there, too :'(

So, how to cope?  I withdraw, though seemingly pathetic in comparison to her instant emergence into our shared social network (if only to preemptively badmouth me ;-), I try to focus on me.  And in comparison, her inability to be alone likely confirms a more pathetic state than mine.  I of course come here (having finally contributed $ome to the site).  …I loved the political statement - and yes, I can now begin again to enjoy my ‘less radical’ views on various matters.  I’ve also felt it with music – but make a point to seek out music I loved before meeting her, then envisioning those times  

Staying productive in some way helps.  Spending time with family members has helped.  We’re close and they trust me, finding far more support from them than ever from her …as they’d warned me off her after the first and second ‘end of our relationship.’  Work provides a productive outlet for energy and time; instead of instantly taking off to ‘be with her’ I’ll more freely follow up (if for free) projects on the job.  

Burning off frustration with physical activity and exercise helps.  Opening up to others helps, too.  Lacking empathy from my BPDgf yet receiving it from others does wonders…  And sometimes… just letting myself get, be - and stay ‘down’ (including tears) gives that feeling of rock-bottom – where the only (... well, maybe not the ‘only’) ... or best direction is up

Occasionally getting drunk alone at home has worked (though scheduling that to avoid my 18 year daughter also living here).  It’s fun to find you can not only entertain yourself but laugh in the process   Catching up with old friends is helpful, there again, reminding you of times before your BPD.  And though it’s awkward being single among couples, there’s a freedom even they envy...  And, I’ve the time, desire and freedom to talk to gas station attendants, store clerks, neighbors, coworkers … really, anyone sincerely interested in ‘how are you doing?’  

And when those longing thoughts of my BPD romance come to mind …it takes less and less time for them to fade.  Mantra to myself: What did you have?  Nothing.  What we had was fake, an elution, or at least nothing that could or should last.  A mirage ~

Over fifty, yet often feeling as wounded as seventeen… a friend described my needing to concentrate on ‘settling myself first,’ “And they will land,” she said, “Like butterflies.”  So, without wasting my loyalty on BPD and purposefully ignoring other opportunities, that loyalty will now be ready for a butterfly – and though never expecting perfection, at least more capable of identifying some very serious flaws ~

[hopealways]

It’s hard to say where I’m currently at …been recycled 5 or 6 times in the last two and a half years with my uBPDgf.  Having always learned something, if mainly, that it will never be ‘like it was’…  We’ve remained close, with shared friends and family time, but the constant drifting apart has felt like an easier let down this time.  Our expectations had so dwindled and the scar tissue had become so thick …it’s like there’s nothing to lose.  So, after (only) a week of NC, it’s like ‘so what?’  What have I lost?  Nothing …but a dwindling dysfunctional love affair?

What I’m attempting to describe is what you can expect if you do rekindle your relationship … less of the same … until it becomes apparent there’s really nothing left.  So, do yourself a favor and let it end sooner than later …though sooner hurts much more.  I’ve been there, too :'(

So, how to cope?  I withdraw, though seemingly pathetic in comparison to her instant emergence into our shared social network (if only to preemptively badmouth me ;-), I try to focus on me.  And in comparison, her inability to be alone likely confirms a more pathetic state than mine.  I of course come here (having finally contributed $ome to the site).  …I loved the political statement - and yes, I can now begin again to enjoy my ‘less radical’ views on various matters.  I’ve also felt it with music – but make a point to seek out music I loved before meeting her, then envisioning those times  

Staying productive in some way helps.  Spending time with family members has helped.  We’re close and they trust me, finding far more support from them than ever from her …as they’d warned me off her after the first and second ‘end of our relationship.’  Work provides a productive outlet for energy and time; instead of instantly taking off to ‘be with her’ I’ll more freely follow up (if for free) projects on the job.  

Burning off frustration with physical activity and exercise helps.  Opening up to others helps, too.  Lacking empathy from my BPDgf yet receiving it from others does wonders…  And sometimes… just letting myself get, be - and stay ‘down’ (including tears) gives that feeling of rock-bottom – where the only (... well, maybe not the ‘only’) ... or best direction is up

Occasionally getting drunk alone at home has worked (though scheduling that to avoid my 18 year daughter also living here).  It’s fun to find you can not only entertain yourself but laugh in the process   Catching up with old friends is helpful, there again, reminding you of times before your BPD.  And though it’s awkward being single among couples, there’s a freedom even they envy...  And, I’ve the time, desire and freedom to talk to gas station attendants, store clerks, neighbors, coworkers … really, anyone sincerely interested in ‘how are you doing?’  

And when those longing thoughts of my BPD romance come to mind …it takes less and less time for them to fade.  Mantra to myself: What did you have?  Nothing.  What we had was fake, an elution, or at least nothing that could or should last.  A mirage ~

Over fifty, yet often feeling as wounded as seventeen… a friend described my needing to concentrate on ‘settling myself first,’ “And they will land,” she said, “Like butterflies.”  So, without wasting my loyalty on BPD and purposefully ignoring other opportunities, that loyalty will now be ready for a butterfly – and though never expecting perfection, at least more capable of identifying some very serious flaws ~

Thank you for this, such a beautiful post.  The BOLD really sat well with me, let me say why:

I sometimes think our coupled up friends envy us because they subconsciously realize that we are able to be alone, and be okay with it, something that they are unable to do, and something our BPDex will never be able to do.  The fact that we were able to (finally) walk away shows strength, although we may feel weak right now, but it does show strength. It shows that we value ourselves more than that, even though we had enough humanity and compassion to stay with someone we loved through all her rages and issues.

I DO AGREE that what we had was fake. I know some may disagree with you and I but it was fake, it was a complete fantasy/illusion created by us after being fed with manipulative idealization by our BPDex who knew we would fall for it as everyone else had in her past.

Although the pain can be very difficult sometimes, I feel a certain freedom in that pain, that I have finally accepted myself, my existence, and my ability to care for myself emotionally instead of helplessly grasping to others for that care.

I too reach out to anyone willing to speak, to return my hellos. I find that people are by nature friendly and like the recognition a simple hello will give them.  

I try not to look at this journey as a difficult journey or an easy journey, but just a journey - a journey to a place of peace and happiness that I have never experienced in my life other than as a fantasy of happiness in someone else.

[peas]

Inside, can I just say you sound like you have it together. What a concise, clear post of where you came from and where you are. Healthy mind and attitude.  

And thank you for the reminder that when we go back to people with BPD, we can expect less of the same until there is nothing left.

[toomanytears]

Hi peas

Hey, your list is the same as mine, right down to the cigarettes!

And yes. when I've had stressful work days, that's when I feel the lowest, and desperately miss my soulmate, and long to talk to him. On your point 4, one self-help book I've found good to listen to on audio is 'The Power of Now' - it's about living in the moment not in the past or in future. It's hard but wise. We have to hang on in there... .peace peas... .

I forgot to mention my getting-over-the-hump strategies.

1) this board

2) weekly visits to a good therapist

3) my job -- insanely busy, helps the weeks pass quickly. But sometimes the job stress actually makes the heartbreak stress worse. I can't relax.

4) soul searching, re-evaluating "happiness"

5) unhealthy coping: smoking ciggs

[LaSuede]

Hi peas

Hey, your list is the same as mine, right down to the cigarettes!

And yes. when I've had stressful work days, that's when I feel the lowest, and desperately miss my soulmate, and long to talk to him. On your point 4, one self-help book I've found good to listen to on audio is 'The Power of Now' - it's about living in the moment not in the past or in future. It's hard but wise. We have to hang on in there... .peace peas... .

I forgot to mention my getting-over-the-hump strategies.

1) this board

2) weekly visits to a good therapist

3) my job -- insanely busy, helps the weeks pass quickly. But sometimes the job stress actually makes the heartbreak stress worse. I can't relax.

4) soul searching, re-evaluating "happiness"

5) unhealthy coping: smoking ciggs

And the same as mine! Had to laugh at the number 5, I feel really unsmart starting that in my early 40ies... .Or starting, but relapsing a early partysmoke to extensive "litting one cig on another... ."

A new thing I tried today (instead of wasting my lungs)

: walk in forest, preferably a bit tricky forest so you really have to be focused on where you're stepping. When you stepped in deep water once cause you ruminate more than being focused, that's it, you have to let go of it, at least for the moment... .

Keep it up.

[peas]

Toomanytears, LaSuede, you sound like fun! Yes, the smoking has been a guilty coping tool.

LaSuede, I like your idea of walking in a forest where you have to be conscious of where you are stepping. I live near nature trails and I think I am going to do that. I have been a hermit since the b/u and I need to get out.

I was just looking up online whether my city has an indoor pool, and it does (someone on this thread mentioned swimming). I am going to make myself get to the pool for a relaxing workout. 

[Oliolioxenfree]

Some of my coping strategies included

1. therapy

2. daily prayer asking for clarity and wisdom and to have my eyes opened about my OWN issues and the strength to make positive change

3. exercise / yoga  - because it helps to feel good about yourself

4. reconnecting with old friends

5. absolutely no contact- which includes internet check ups and no texting, emails, or even looking at old ones.  delete everything. get rid of mutual friends who are people you dont hang out with or talk to also.  once the temptation is removed, it gets much easier.   I challenged myself to see how long I could go without looking at his or his new gfs facebook page.  Im on 4 months and now I have no interest in seeing what they do.

6. tell yourself that you wish them the best... .even if you dont.  tell others you wish them the best, even if you dont truly believe it yet... eventually your feelings will catch up to your words.  I started saying it in July whenever someone would ask.  now I actually DO wish my BPDex the best. a thought leads to a word, which leads to action.

7. keep visiting these boards and doing research that will help you find the closure you need.  Ask questions, keep posting.  Mine came when i finally realized my ex had BPD.  


You are doing great and will have little bumps, but each bump youll find that the recovery period shortens and the severity lessens until eventually you wont even perceive any bumps

[toomanytears]

Toomanytears, LaSuede, you sound like fun! Yes, the smoking has been a guilty coping tool.

LaSuede, I like your idea of walking in a forest where you have to be conscious of where you are stepping. I live near nature trails and I think I am going to do that. I have been a hermit since the b/u and I need to get out.

I was just looking up online whether my city has an indoor pool, and it does (someone on this thread mentioned swimming). I am going to make myself get to the pool for a relaxing workout. 

peas, la suede et al - talking about these coping strategies is so helpful.

I find nature hard on my own because he is a naturalist and we bonded so much over that mutual love of birds, flowers etc. It's where we started. I'm having to leave it aside for a while. Hurts too much.

For me swimming is good. It can be a bit lonely but after a few lengths the right chemicals take over and you always feels better afterwards.  I've also taken up Zumba. You have to concentrate so hard that your mind is elsewhere for a while and it's such a great achievement to be able to follow the steps (ha ha, I must look like an idiot but who cares in the great scheme of things and he was such a very lousy, I mean lousy dancer ).