Self-esteem Confidence Round II

[DesertChild]

So I've been talking this over with my T and we discovered that a lot of my self-confidence/self-esteem is reliant on others. I really, really want to be free of it, but I'm not sure how.

I practice things like self tuning and self meditation, finding center, being aware of myself, grounding. etc. I'm kinda past mindfulness--since that's just watching thoughts. I like to face them down, figure them out, etc. *shrugs* It's incomplete meditation to me, but I've been doing it for a while (Not in any way dissing people who it does work for). I also do creative things, but I think I've poured the majority of my self esteem into writing for the sake of itself. I worked on it a while back, but I guess I didn't quite finish it.

I think contributing factors are besides the obvious PwBPD... .the bullying/teasing I received for a long time. Because of that I was really isolated. Also all of the kids on my block disappeared, so I literally didn't have friends and when I did have friends they moved away to other schools because they got bullied too.

Before that point I was really extroverted, but I think this got corrupted into looking for approval for everything. I became a lot more unsure of myself, because while I'd gotten external affirmation before it suddenly went missing. An extrovert isolated was horrible, so I had to retract and create an inner world that was less horrible for myself that had friends.

I've noticed my self-esteem rides on the backs of other people, which is co-dependent, right? I don't want it to though. Why does it need an audience?

So I really need to find true self-esteem rather than the half-baked child version. And outside of writing. I was wondering if anyone struggled with something similar. I kinda need tips to get out of it. Are there exercises to do so?

[fromheeltoheal]

Esteem is respect and admiration, so self-esteem is self-respect and self-admiration.  I think it's important to develop that internally, and also developing relationships with people who will help us respect and admire ourselves.  So many times, when I wasn't focusing on boundaries and doing my people pleaser thing, I'd have developed what I thought was healthy self-esteem, just to have it trashed by disrespectful people.  It's good in a sense, to see how well we're doing, but paddling upstream against other people's crap long term is disempowering. 

Part of getting what I need from other people is asking for it, expressing vulnerability, and letting the right people in.  Relying entirely on other people for a sense of self esteem isn't healthy, although I don't know that I'd consider it codependent, but surrounding ourselves with people who help us feel good about ourselves is the juice of life.  Guess it's a balance, all new to me.