Things are not getting easier...

[Nearlybroken]

I am trying so hard to heal and move on but I am finding it almost impossible and am feeling so alone and unsupported at the moment.I have taken some big steps which I am finding very difficult.As you can all imagine splitting and severing the ties are so much more difficult when BPD is involved as the painful aspects of the split are made much worse by the hysterical reactions I am receiving when I do what needs to be done.I have sorted out the finances, redecorated my house so it looks like mine and not "ours" and I have put the flat that I own up for sale.I need to do this as I need the money.Of course my ex will have to find somewhere to live now ( he is currently in the flat)... .the steps I have taken did not go down well at all.He continues to maintain contact but has instructed me that it will be maintained only on his terms.So here are his rules:I cannot mention anything that reminds him of the cruel things he has said and done to me,I cannot mention anything that will remind him of issues between us,I cannot mention anything "that will make him unhappy" (his words)."NB, I have to have these rules for self-preservation,I cannot have any confrontation,I must have an easy life.With you, you make me think thoughts that are uncomfortable to me.You are too open and honest.Don't fight back.Dont disagree.I cannot handle debate on these points".As I am so used to walking on eggshells with him I can say that I have never instigated any fights, he twists everything and is now portraying me as some sort of dark force to be battled... .all because I loved him.In our last bout of necessary communication he was talking as if he feared me and what I could do to his mind.I swear,I am actually questioning whether there is something wrong with me.I went NC for a while and was doing OK.Recently he posted through my door some notes that his therapist made... .no idea why he does this ( it's not the first time) but I made the mistake of reading them.My blood ran cold.I found out the following:

1)He struggles not to compare himself with others.

2)He cannot be responsible

3)He could not be in a partnership with me as he did not feel worthy of me

4)He has issues with family,women,expressing himself etc.I could go on but it was all so "BPD".

I am angry and frustrated that I am not progressing... .I still think of him and what went wrong constantly.He is always on my mind.I could vomit when I think of how his behaviour has ruined me.I cannot help but blame myself... .I think that if he is saying these things then he must actually believe I am someone capable of causing him emotional pain.The other day he sent me a card.Of course like a fool I read it.In it was a photo of him wearing an outfit that I loved on him.The message " Can you remember what used to happen when I wore this?".He was referring to the fact that it always ended up on the bedroom floor as I found him so damn hot in it.This set me off thinking about our fantastic sex life and how attractive I found him ( and still do).Why do this to me?I know he has had "contact "with others ( thought makes me sick and jealous) and remains in contact with his ex wife ( clearly not as black as she was painted to me then!) so whats the bloody point of telling me ( for those in the UK... .to quote Jim Bowen on the programme "Bullseye":"this is what you could have won"?.

This is all so horrible and unreal and it is breaking my heart.I feel that I no longer know him,I nearly married a stranger.I nearly married a man who appears to genuinely hate/fear  me at times and has tried by virtue of utterly made up views and allegations to get others to share his views.Yet at other times he tries to communicate as if nothing went wrong.I genuinely cannot understand what is happening in his head.I cannot understand what is happening in my head.The only think I know with clarity is that this is the worst experience of my whole life and I am ashamed that I was taken in.I am ashamed that I compromised so many aspects of my life for him.I am disgusted that I sacrificed so much only to have it all thrown back in my face... .the lack of empathy, the disregard,the mocking,the re-cycling.There are so many  ... .WHY COULDNT I SEE THEM?

And the worst thing is... .he has done this all before in previous relationships.

This should make me feel better.It doesn't.I feel defeated,pathetic,weak.

I am having "core therapy" at the moment... .god, its tough but I know I have to do it.Last week I was talking to my therapist... .she listened to me ramble for ages about my ex.Her only question at the end "NB... .where were YOU in all of this?Where were your needs,your desires, your expectations?What about what YOU required?".She then passed me a leaflet on emotional abuse... .says it all really.

Sorry for the long ramble folks but I just needed to purge.I feel like I have taken several steps backwards and I am annoyed.I want him out of my mind.I want to stop crying.I want this feeling of anger,injustice,frustration and pain to go away.I WANT TO BE HAPPY AGAIN.IT HAS BEEN TOO LONG.

Has anyone else ever had the problem of their ex being constantly on their mind?I think of him all the time.No specific memories etc... .he is just always there in my head.Can anyone help me with how to get him out?I was seriously considering hypnotherapy or something.That's how much I need to be free of the constant image... .its like emotional tinnitus ( if you know what I mean).

Thanks for reading.NB.xxxx

[Accepting]

I hope posting at least gives you some reprieve in this moment.

I'm feeling sickened by the meer existence of BPD in people atm.

I don't have a lot that is positive to add... but I did read your words. You're heard.

[Learning_curve74]

I'm sorry you're in such a bad place right now, NB. 

Not sure if it's any comfort at this moment, but it seems everything your ex is telling you is showing it's all his fault, not yours. He can't handle anything negative because he is ashamed and probably hates himself. Any conflict between you two probably reminds him of how much he hates himself. The therapist's notes might be his way of trying to explain to you why.

From what your therapist asked you, it sounds like you need to look out for your own self-preservation too. I know your ex is filling up your mental space right now. What kind of support do you have from family and friends? What kind of things are you doing for yourself? Were there activities and friends you gave up to be with him? Maybe now is the time to renew some of those friendships and engage in those activities again? Not as a bandage to cover up the hurt but simply for self-preservation.

Hang in there. 

[Surnia]

Hi nearlybroken

So sorry to hear your pain and despair. 

Many of us ignored  thats why we are here. About your ex behaviour: Many of the things he is saying or doing are very controlling, emotional manipulative.

I agree with your T: Finding yourself again in all this. You did the right thing redecorating your house. Now its time to redecorate the space in your head filled with him.

Beside writing it down - do you have things you did before him giving you pleasure, fun, energy? Things helping you to forget about the emotional tinnitus - I like the picture.

[maxen]

hi nearlybroken. i'm so sorry to read about your situation. it's good to be in therapy, and it's good to purge here. if it's any consolation, there are few items in your post that sound identical to what i am experiencing:

I cannot mention anything that reminds him of the cruel things he has said and done to me ... .I could vomit when I think of how his behaviour has ruined me. ... .this is the worst experience of my whole life and I am ashamed that I was taken in.

it's so painful, and we can't stop thinking about maybe because it's irrational and we think that if we keep puzzling it out it will fall into place eventually. but it won't, and that's soo hard to accept. i can't yet get what mine did out of my head for a second.

emotional tinnitus

what an excellent metaphor!

[patientandclear]

Hi NB.

Yes, of course, many, probably almost all of us, know what you mean about not being able to get them out of our heads.  It seems that is the trauma processing reaction, where we are constantly searching through the bits & pieces we know & can still recognize, trying to figure out what happened and how it could be prevented & made to be as it is supposed to be.

Your ex's requirement that you not share your open, honest feelings because they make him uncomfortable makes complete sense to me.  You can see that, right?  He's being upfront with you there, not giving you a story as is so common with pwBPD about how there is something wrong or incorrect with what you are saying (gaslighting).  He is not denying your view of things, he is saying he cannot stand it, it is too painful.  I think actually it may help for you to embrace that.  That really is where he is -- he has to hide from the truth or ask that the truth be hidden from him.

I am sure that I threaten my ex in the same way.  He simply cannot talk about our beautiful times together or the meaning of what we've done together.  I think it makes him far too uncomfortable, just like your ex says, when I am that open & honest about us.  So he needs us never to speak of our r/s.  We have a friendship now, but it definitely has this limit -- we cannot process our feelings for one another.  It causes him to almost visibly break down.    How awful for them.  And unfortunately, it also puts a real ceiling on what is possible with them.

My ex wanted to get back together after splitting up with me out of the blue over a strange & hurtful issue that he later took back.  When he asked about getting back together, my one requirement was that he figure out what had caused him to push me away so suddenly -- not even before we tried again, but going forward.  He couldn't/wouldn't.  Looking at that stuff, the idea that there is something wrong with how he processes relationships, is too hard.

So now he's off having more and more encounters with more and more new people that are fated to bounce off the plexiglass wall of his inability to deal with why he breaks down when he's close to others.  And there can be no talking about it.  Like you say, it's a rule.

Those are their defenses running the show.  It's not something they are doing TO us, it is something they do to allow themselves to continue without falling completely apart.  Does it help to think of it that way?

The therapist notes are sad to me.  He is getting as close to the core truth as he can there.  He can't be with you because he feels unworthy.

He is tangled up in emotional silly string that prevents him from accepting or giving love in a straightforward way.  He has some degree of awareness and the awareness is causing him a lot of pain (my guy wBPD is ruthless about stamping out the awareness.  No therapist notes over the transom for him).  Again, these aren't your failures -- he's saying he cannot deal with the emotional depth between you.

What an awful disorder.   

[Nearlybroken]

Thank you all for your words.I am trying as best I can to keep occupied as I find that when I am sitting I just start to dwell,puzzle and try to make sense of something that is far too illogical to ever fathom.I do a lot of gardening and walking ( though I do miss walking with him and our dogs).I do not have much in the way of support as I am too ashamed to tell my family and my friends... .well, they just dont understand why I am not over it and none of them have ever experienced BPD.

This has been the first instance of my ex not gaslighting with me, and this has surprised me.Normally he blames me for everything and creates things in his mind to "support" his view that I am a bad person.Until now everything has been my fault,I have always been wrong.He has in the past cried and had panic attacks when I have tried to explain things, but then that shifted to nastiness and a deliberate misinterpretation of things.He flatly refuses to accept that his actions had an effect om me... .when I have previously tried to explain the hurt I have been met with a callous lack of empathy.I swear at times he has smiled when I have become upset over things he has said.

So a "friendship" with him must be on his terms... .I am allowed to talk of mundane and childish things but not reference the fact that we were together or question what went wrong.This can never work for me... .whilst we were in a relationship I got to the stage where I couldn't figure out what the trigger points were.And after we have split that just got worse.He is also totally obsessed with keeping things between us private.He mostly only ever contacts when he suspects that I have been talking to people about him.He has previously ordered me to recount conversations I have had with his family.I suspect that this is because keeping things private means no one else can question his behaviour but I don't really know.He has done his best to isolate me from everyone.

I know that BPD is a destructive disorder for those who suffer.But what I struggle with is the awful effects that it has on those who are on the receiving end.When I think of our initial relationship I could weep.But I fell from the pedestal he had put me on by being human and once I had,well, to him this was the go ahead to constantly remind himself why he did well to allow our relationship to fall apart.Alas he did this by inventing senarios and interpretations of me that were cruel and unjustified,lying,talking down to me and numerous other mechanisms that have put me in a situation where my mental health has suffered.His life goes on unaffected while I am left behind to pick up the pieces.I can only hope that this pain eases soon.NB.xxx

[Accepting]

Your ex's requirement that you not share your open, honest feelings because they make him uncomfortable makes complete sense to me.  You can see that, right?  He's being upfront with you there, not giving you a story as is so common with pwBPD about how there is something wrong or incorrect with what you are saying (gaslighting).  He is not denying your view of things, he is saying he cannot stand it, it is too painful.  I think actually it may help for you to embrace that.  That really is where he is -- he has to hide from the truth or ask that the truth be hidden from him.

And there can be no talking about it.  Like you say, it's a rule.

Those are their defenses running the show.  It's not something they are doing TO us, it is something they do to allow themselves to continue without falling completely apart.  Does it help to think of it that way?

It is helpful to try to focus on the fact they are not trying to do all this 'to us' as you say. That it is about them, not us. We're almost mere bystanders to the fact.

He is also totally obsessed with keeping things between us private.He mostly only ever contacts when he suspects that I have been talking to people about him.He has previously ordered me to recount conversations I have had with his family.I suspect that this is because keeping things private means no one else can question his behaviour but I don't really know.He has done his best to isolate me from everyone.

I know that BPD is a destructive disorder for those who suffer.But what I struggle with is the awful effects that it has on those who are on the receiving end.When I think of our initial relationship I could weep.But I fell from the pedestal he had put me on by being human and once I had,well, to him this was the go ahead to constantly remind himself why he did well to allow our relationship to fall apart.

This all resonates to me. Most especially it is important to them that you are prevented from sharing anything with people they know - the façade must be maintained.

I once poured my heart out to one of my ex's friends when I went to his place looking for him. We'd been supposed to meet and he wasn't at his place. When I called him he cancelled my call. He had told me about shutting himself up in his apartment on his own and I was so worried about his mental state. When my ex found out I'd spoken so openly with his friend he was mortified. It amazed me at the time that the sole focus of his concern was 'what I said to his friend; that all that happened with us was to be kept strictly between us; that I had said things he couldn't believe I'd shared' - he was not whatsoever concerned with the pain I was in, that I was beside myself hurting over him and I... .he was solely focused on protecting his image and my having 'shared information' with his friend. When I said to him that he didn't once concern himself with my upset, that it was all about 'what I'd said to his friend' he didn't even hear this point; this didn't register with him. The fact that I was upset didn't enter the equation. The sole concern to him was maintaining his image and ensuring I understood that 'what happened between us must stay between us'. The irony to all this was that my ex had spoken with me about moving in together, just the two of us, into the house that his mate owned. I thought this was something they'd obviously discussed - but his mate knew nothing of it. It was all just dust in the wind.

[PrettyPlease]

Nearlybroken,

And all the other posters, this is an eloquent thread, with good detailed descriptions of the problem situation and good advice. Thank you all.

But looking at your original post, Nearlybroken, it seems to me that maybe it belongs on the Undecided Board. Are you clear that you're leaving this relationship?

If you are, then I think the bulk of the experiences in bpdfamily would suggest that you go for NC as soon and as completely as possible. The poignancy of the story does not change the necessity to disengage. If you continue having contact, it will continue to be difficult.

Maybe you're being prevented from getting to NC by over-analyzing the details of the 'why' behind the behaviour? My understanding is that a strong need to figure out what's happening -- to understand it -- before we can let go is a symptom of our own inner organization, our own upbringing. I was like this, am like this (having been raised in a narcissistic family by a uBPD/NPD couple), and have benefited greatly from some of the posts by 2010 and some of the explanations in books about this, showing how this need feeds into the recycling of the relationship. We actually don't need to understand how the BPD mind works (we never will, fully). We only need to understand that the behaviour is unacceptable and that getting away from it is our need and our right and our responsibility -- if we're to become fully functioning humans and part of a healthy society.

PP