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Author Topic: when will I ever learn... hope this works this time...  (Read 341 times)
Bit Lost

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Posts: 32



« on: October 28, 2013, 04:52:00 AM »

I am at a loss right now and I am so very confused about everything. I didn't even know BPD even existed until a couple of days ago and I now know this is what my ex boyfriend has when I just thought initially he suffered from anxiety and depression. I will point out I've not seen this man in over a year yet he still remains in my life because I love him still bit I do know myself this is by far a healthy relationship... .even as friends... .

I have had to put up with so much from him, forgiving him for a lot of things he has done and said to me at one point he wished cancer upon me and he hoped I died a slow and painful death. This was back in February he told me that... .so why can't I just erase him out of my life? I wouldn't have put up with this kind of behaviour from anyone before so why am I letting him do this to me? I have tried so hard for him to be there for him to try and be a support network for him when all I get is heartache and abuse. He won't do anything to help himself whatsoever, he won't take any kind of medication as he is so paranoid as to what might be in it. I am a good person with a good heart and he constantly tells me I am the bad one and the manipulator in the relationship, I get told this all the time and sometimes I do end up thinking maybe it is me, I know deep down it isn't but when you get told you are time and time again I guess you end up starting to believe it a little bit.

I've not even gone into work today as I am a total mess as once again he's telling me how bad I am as a person. He will probably come back in a few days and apologise like he usually does and said he didn't mean it and that he was just angry.

This is how it has been for the last year or so, just going round in a constant cycle and I Ned some help and support to know how to break it before he breaks me... .
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Waifed
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #1 on: October 28, 2013, 07:43:26 AM »

I am at a loss right now and I am so very confused about everything. I didn't even know BPD even existed until a couple of days ago and I now know this is what my ex boyfriend has when I just thought initially he suffered from anxiety and depression. I will point out I've not seen this man in over a year yet he still remains in my life because I love him still bit I do know myself this is by far a healthy relationship... .even as friends... .

I have had to put up with so much from him, forgiving him for a lot of things he has done and said to me at one point he wished cancer upon me and he hoped I died a slow and painful death. This was back in February he told me that... .so why can't I just erase him out of my life? I wouldn't have put up with this kind of behaviour from anyone before so why am I letting him do this to me? I have tried so hard for him to be there for him to try and be a support network for him when all I get is heartache and abuse. He won't do anything to help himself whatsoever, he won't take any kind of medication as he is so paranoid as to what might be in it. I am a good person with a good heart and he constantly tells me I am the bad one and the manipulator in the relationship, I get told this all the time and sometimes I do end up thinking maybe it is me, I know deep down it isn't but when you get told you are time and time again I guess you end up starting to believe it a little bit.

I've not even gone into work today as I am a total mess as once again he's telling me how bad I am as a person. He will probably come back in a few days and apologise like he usually does and said he didn't mean it and that he was just angry.

This is how it has been for the last year or so, just going round in a constant cycle and I Ned some help and support to know how to break it before he breaks me... .

What you are experiencing are typical characteristics of a person with BPD symptoms.  As you get familiar with this board you will find that your story is VERY similar to most on this site.  Your personality likely leans toward the codependent (putting others before yourself) and because of this he has likely broken you down and slowly sucked the life out of you.  I would recommend that you take care of yourself right now and try to distance yourself from your partner/ex first and foremost by initiating a No Contact policy (NC).  This will give you time to clear your mind and reevaluate what you have just gone through.  I would also consider seeking some sort of therapy for yourself because what you have just experienced likely is the result of some issues that you have never dealt with from your youth that made you a caretaker type personality.  Even if you don't have childhood issues, the trauma from this toxic relationship needs to be worked through with someone experienced in the process.  Hang in there.  There are many people on this site that will help you through this.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Bit Lost

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« Reply #2 on: October 28, 2013, 09:49:14 AM »

I am at a loss right now and I am so very confused about everything. I didn't even know BPD even existed until a couple of days ago and I now know this is what my ex boyfriend has when I just thought initially he suffered from anxiety and depression. I will point out I've not seen this man in over a year yet he still remains in my life because I love him still bit I do know myself this is by far a healthy relationship... .even as friends... .

I have had to put up with so much from him, forgiving him for a lot of things he has done and said to me at one point he wished cancer upon me and he hoped I died a slow and painful death. This was back in February he told me that... .so why can't I just erase him out of my life? I wouldn't have put up with this kind of behaviour from anyone before so why am I letting him do this to me? I have tried so hard for him to be there for him to try and be a support network for him when all I get is heartache and abuse. He won't do anything to help himself whatsoever, he won't take any kind of medication as he is so paranoid as to what might be in it. I am a good person with a good heart and he constantly tells me I am the bad one and the manipulator in the relationship, I get told this all the time and sometimes I do end up thinking maybe it is me, I know deep down it isn't but when you get told you are time and time again I guess you end up starting to believe it a little bit.

I've not even gone into work today as I am a total mess as once again he's telling me how bad I am as a person. He will probably come back in a few days and apologise like he usually does and said he didn't mean it and that he was just angry.

This is how it has been for the last year or so, just going round in a constant cycle and I Ned some help and support to know how to break it before he breaks me... .

What you are experiencing are typical characteristics of a person with BPD symptoms.  As you get familiar with this board you will find that your story is VERY similar to most on this site.  Your personality likely leans toward the codependent (putting others before yourself) and because of this he has likely broken you down and slowly sucked the life out of you.  I would recommend that you take care of yourself right now and try to distance yourself from your partner/ex first and foremost by initiating a No Contact policy (NC).  This will give you time to clear your mind and reevaluate what you have just gone through.  I would also consider seeking some sort of therapy for yourself because what you have just experienced likely is the result of some issues that you have never dealt with from your youth that made you a caretaker type personality.  Even if you don't have childhood issues, the trauma from this toxic relationship needs to be worked through with someone experienced in the process.  Hang in there.  There are many people on this site that will help you through this.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Thank you for your reply... .I don't have any issues from when I was younger so I don't understand that point you made. I am a caregiver as I have four kids that are my heart and my soul. I have never in my life experienced a relationship like this in my life. I have always maintained healthy relationships with my exs as the past is the past and to be honest I've never had any issues, I am actually good friends with guys I've had relationships with,I don't hold grudges because as they say life is too short... .but what draws me to this man I will never know.
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bpdspell
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Relationship status: Married.
Posts: 892


« Reply #3 on: October 28, 2013, 10:37:14 AM »

He will probably come back in a few days and apologise like he usually does and said he didn't mean it and that he was just angry.

Hey Bit Lost,

You are on the Leaving Board of BPD family. The goal of this board is emotionally detaching from people we are emotionally enmeshed with who are suffering from a mental illness. People with BPD use many maladaptive tactics to get their needs met often at our expense. On our end these tactics can be very cruel and abusive.

My question to you is what exactly do you want? It's not clear.

Do you want to detach from your push and pull relationship or do you want to learn coping skills on how to be in relationship with a person with BPD?

Spell
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Bit Lost

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« Reply #4 on: October 28, 2013, 12:07:20 PM »

I need to detach from this whole thing, I've not even set eyes on the guy in over a year. It's not even a relationship it's just a constant battle almost every day with him. All I ever wanted to do was be there for him and I can't do it anymore for the sake of my own sanity.
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bpdspell
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Relationship status: Married.
Posts: 892


« Reply #5 on: October 28, 2013, 12:23:26 PM »

I need to detach from this whole thing.

Ok. This is good. You need to detach but do you want to?

It's ok if you aren't ready. But you need to admit that to yourself for clarity. Wanting our ex's should be a conscious choice; not a choice hidden in shame. I was no Contact with my ex for over six months; but I still wanted him terribly and I was deathly afraid of the judgement from others that came with that. Once I embraced my true feelings then I explored the why's.

And it takes time to understand the "whys" of this toxic dance.

Once you accept what you want then you need to get to the root of why you desire to remain attached to someone you haven't seen in over a year and a person who historically hasn't treated you well.

Spell
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Bit Lost

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« Reply #6 on: October 28, 2013, 02:25:11 PM »

He's toxic and he's venomous. I can't have him in my life anymore that's for sure. I need peace in my life for once and for all. He's left so much devastation behind him. I fear it will be me having some kind of breakdown. He's dragged me down his miserable path of existence for far too long now. I'm sick to death of being called vile, horrid, slag, a slut, a c**t, wished he'd never met me and that he must've been desperate to have ever been with me and that he hates me In all honesty I think he's actually talking about himself thinking he's me and that's what he thinks I am thinking about him. I've never once told him I hate him, when he has said to me that I must hate him I always always tell him I could never hate him it's impossible for me to ever do that.
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