confused

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

i wasn't sure if what i was goin to write, just thought i would start some where today... sometimes i feel like my therapist wants me to hate her, put all sorts of blame onto her, make her the bad guy... .but even thought i sometimes feel resentful towards her, and sometimes i just wish horriable things onto her because of all the lies, manipulations, bad boundries, betrails, toying with my emotions mainly, burning me time and time again and i am mad at her... .shes done awful things to me, but shes also done good things for me... .

isnt she just a distoryed person? cant she be good, and bad just like the rest of us, only horriably uncompined? why does she have to be so black? like i understand that shes hurt me a lot. i feel it, just i've hurt her also. i've made mistakes that have lead me down this road, guess thats what happens when you dont read the road signs:)  

shes let me go, actually convinced me to go, am i nieve to believe that she actually wants me to be happy? that shes shown me that at times... .i dont think i am... she gives and has given me more then enough opportunity to walk away, close the door, with out reprocustions... shes told me i dont have to be there. most the time i think she wants me to move on because she knows that shes messed up.

she worned me from the first 3months of everything, all of who she was, she does her best to keep me out of harms way, shes not some horriable person whos messed up little ol me, im not a victom... what should i hate her for? for being who she is, and me not being able to accept her, and trying to change her into the person she clamined to be when we met? i know she cared for me, shes shown me that.

i made my choices, i chose to play her game, i wanted to stay. i am and was responsiable for my own actions, just as she is for hers.

maybe thats what it is... im still sitting here trying to figure out just who the hell she "really" is, and what the heck just happened... .instead of looking forward in my life, focusing on me.

all thoughts are welcome... just venting...

one week, only one small contact, because im not just goin to stop carring about her. but i will move on at some point... .

[qwaszx]

i wasn't sure if what i was goin to write, just thought i would start some where today... sometimes i feel like my therapist wants me to hate her, put all sorts of blame onto her, make her the bad guy... .but even thought i sometimes feel resentful towards her, and sometimes i just wish horriable things onto her because of all the lies, manipulations, bad boundries, betrails, toying with my emotions mainly, burning me time and time again and i am mad at her... .shes done awful things to me, but shes also done good things for me... .

isnt she just a distoryed person? cant she be good, and bad just like the rest of us, only horriably uncompined? why does she have to be so black? like i understand that shes hurt me a lot. i feel it, just i've hurt her also. i've made mistakes that have lead me down this road, guess thats what happens when you dont read the road signs:)  

shes let me go, actually convinced me to go, am i nieve to believe that she actually wants me to be happy? that shes shown me that at times... .i dont think i am... she gives and has given me more then enough opportunity to walk away, close the door, with out reprocustions... shes told me i dont have to be there. most the time i think she wants me to move on because she knows that shes messed up.

she worned me from the first 3months of everything, all of who she was, she does her best to keep me out of harms way, shes not some horriable person whos messed up little ol me, im not a victom... what should i hate her for? for being who she is, and me not being able to accept her, and trying to change her into the person she clamined to be when we met? i know she cared for me, shes shown me that.

i made my choices, i chose to play her game, i wanted to stay. i am and was responsiable for my own actions, just as she is for hers.

maybe thats what it is... im still sitting here trying to figure out just who the hell she "really" is, and what the heck just happened... .instead of looking forward in my life, focusing on me.

all thoughts are welcome... just venting...

one week, only one small contact, because im not just goin to stop carring about her. but i will move on at some point... .

[Learning_curve74]

Hey qwaszx, I don't know what your therapist said to you, but you don't need to hate your pwBPD. Maybe you just need to care less about her and care more about you now? How much time do you spend thinking about yourself and your wants and needs? How much time do you spend instead thinking about her?

In all relationships, we unconsciously calculate a cost to reward ratio. Maybe for the amount of time and effort you put in to be rewarded by "lies, manipulations, bad boundaries, betrails, toying with [your] emotions mainly, burning [you] time and time again" (your words), you were destined to go "bankrupt".

[Lady31]

qwaszx,

I don't know what EXACTLY your therapist is saying that makes you think he wants you to hate your ex.  I will say this - I found myself thinking the same way to a degree that you are stating (regarding my ex and our roles - not the therapist). 

Thing is - I was so far into the fog and not being real with myself as to just how abusive, cruel and toxic my exh really was.  I also saw the good in him, and felt sorry for him regarding his "prison".  However, it is dangerous to us if we can't see the full reality of what was really going on, or just how bad things are.

It could be that your therapist keeps holding the mirror of truth/reality in front of you so that your eyes start to really open and come out of the fog and NOT because he wants you to hate her. (Perhaps when faced with these realities YOU feel hate as your own response to them and NOT his response to them? Something else that should be examined if so.)

Of course we all make mistakes and have played our role, but it seems like the personality of the non also seems to actually "own" much more than we should in these relationships.

If we never truly work all this out, we are vulnerable to unhealthy relationships in the future.  I am not sure this is what's going on, but it's something to consider.

My exh was really bad - and I believe DANGEROUS toward the end... .the crazy thing is, I STILL struggle to see this as the truth on some days - EVEN NOW!  You can become so accustomed to craziness, chaos & abuse that what you think is normal is actually way off base & in turn tolerate things you shouldn't.

[qwaszx]

ya maybe, and maybe i just didnt want to face all the bad things that got done(but i have and i've also done it with my pwBPD, hell we've talked, like actually talked, about the lies and her maniplation, and the "bad side"... .but it doesnt change anything, but atleast she was open to seeing it at that point), there are always two sides to every story, and i dont want to be deamed victom, or perfect, because im not... .i think am afraid of my therapist putting me on a pedestal... i just want to be seen as who i am today. and im still protecting my pwBPD  i cant just sit there with someone and list all the crap things shes done, and belitter her, and degrade her, thats not what im like, shes got her reasons for what shes done, even if i disagree with a lot of her choices, half the time i see her as a kid, with no guidence :/ ... and i have a hard time hating anyone tbh... .sigh... i guess what else bothered me is someone from the outside has stated some of the things that did happen... and i dont want anyone to think poorly about her... .when they dont know her...

actually i think it has to do with my family(mainly mother, whos super codependant), and always trying to "fix" me into being the perfect person... and taking my feelings as her own.

i know i'll never go back, i accept that things cant work out, and i get that i have to move on, and i am going to...