Silent Treatment and Letting Go

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm ashamed to admit that I've been acting tough and angry with NC.

The sad truth is I've been giving my ex the silent treatment while harboring hope that she will change and see how much she's hurt me.

Our relationship was degenerating for the past 4 months we dated.  As soon as we were not together every day, she began seeking new supply.  I was hurt and jealous.  She kept telling me she loved me, but her actions repeatedly proved otherwise.

I tried to break up with her over and over, but she'd tearfully come back, beg to change, and would show remorse for a few days then back to badness.  I folded over and over due to the FOG.

I'm afraid I'll never find another person like her.

I felt obligated to stand by her as she worked through her issues (and I therapized her for them).

I felt guilty that she seemed to be really trying, and I was giving up.

In the last two months of the r/s, she cheated on me at least 5 times that I know of, but claimed that it wasn't cheating b/c we weren't together even though we talked every night and told each other we loved each other.  Stupid stupid stupid me.  I'd come back wanting to say if we were "together" she wouldn't cheat. 

Then she'd do something atrocious and I'd dump her again.

Finally, I gave her the ultimatum.  One more chance.  Me and Her.  Loyalty.  Honesty.  Fidelity. 

No more past hurts.

I caught her in the midst of an online affair, and confronted her about it, knowing full well she would deny it.  She dumped me.

I went NC and she repeatedly called and then sent one final note, since then it's been all eery phone calls and hangups.

In her last note, it was so painful. 

I've been in denial since reading it.

She closed it with, "I'm sorry for giving up"

I've been giving her the silent treatment since then (NC), hoping she'd realize how much she hurt me and at least take ownership of it.

I haven't checked any social media in months, but I know the online affair went physical the day after we broke up.

I want to stop holding on to the notion that she can change.  She told me before that she would be back that she would find me even if we stopped talking after she got back.  I'm afraid of this.

I know what her words will be.  I can almost hear them in my head.  I prepped her for them, because I told her what I needed to hear to feel loved.

I just want to get out of denial. 

I ruminate daily, and I've been moving forward, but I don't want to fold.

I couldn't possibly take her back and maintain any semblance of self respect.  That's why I've been NC.  Her actions were so vindictive, planned, and spiteful, I cannot let her back into my life.

I just want to turn my silent treatment into real, healthy NC and moving forward.

HELP!

[PhoenixRising15]

I'm ashamed to admit that I've been acting tough and angry with NC.

The sad truth is I've been giving my ex the silent treatment while harboring hope that she will change and see how much she's hurt me.

Our relationship was degenerating for the past 4 months we dated.  As soon as we were not together every day, she began seeking new supply.  I was hurt and jealous.  She kept telling me she loved me, but her actions repeatedly proved otherwise.

I tried to break up with her over and over, but she'd tearfully come back, beg to change, and would show remorse for a few days then back to badness.  I folded over and over due to the FOG.

I'm afraid I'll never find another person like her.

I felt obligated to stand by her as she worked through her issues (and I therapized her for them).

I felt guilty that she seemed to be really trying, and I was giving up.

In the last two months of the r/s, she cheated on me at least 5 times that I know of, but claimed that it wasn't cheating b/c we weren't together even though we talked every night and told each other we loved each other.  Stupid stupid stupid me.  I'd come back wanting to say if we were "together" she wouldn't cheat. 

Then she'd do something atrocious and I'd dump her again.

Finally, I gave her the ultimatum.  One more chance.  Me and Her.  Loyalty.  Honesty.  Fidelity. 

No more past hurts.

I caught her in the midst of an online affair, and confronted her about it, knowing full well she would deny it.  She dumped me.

I went NC and she repeatedly called and then sent one final note, since then it's been all eery phone calls and hangups.

In her last note, it was so painful. 

I've been in denial since reading it.

She closed it with, "I'm sorry for giving up"

I've been giving her the silent treatment since then (NC), hoping she'd realize how much she hurt me and at least take ownership of it.

I haven't checked any social media in months, but I know the online affair went physical the day after we broke up.

I want to stop holding on to the notion that she can change.  She told me before that she would be back that she would find me even if we stopped talking after she got back.  I'm afraid of this.

I know what her words will be.  I can almost hear them in my head.  I prepped her for them, because I told her what I needed to hear to feel loved.

I just want to get out of denial. 

I ruminate daily, and I've been moving forward, but I don't want to fold.

I couldn't possibly take her back and maintain any semblance of self respect.  That's why I've been NC.  Her actions were so vindictive, planned, and spiteful, I cannot let her back into my life.

I just want to turn my silent treatment into real, healthy NC and moving forward.

HELP!

[fromheeltoheal]

I've been exactly where you are Questioning, and I feel your pain.  The thing that helped me the most was remembering how it was when we were actually together.  Awful, just awful.  It's easy to forget when a borderline in pull mode comes at us all lovey dovey, and the loaded bond between us gets triggered again, but make yourself a list of all the crap she pulled, realize it will never change, and use it to stay focused.  And give yourself this: a borderline is constantly in push/pull, so when you leave they freak out and try to come running back, only to repeat the cycle.  By leaving and staying gone, staying strong, through all the extinction bursts, she will end up having respect for you, more than she will if you keep caving in to the crazy.

BTW, this topic will probably get more input on the Leaving board.

[bpdspell]

Questioning Faith,

Your post was tough to read.

When I first went NC I'll admit that it was to punish my ex with the silent treatment.

I wanted the absence of my presence to hurt him and I wanted him to feel the pain of being abandoned; like he abandoned me. Cheating is abandonment; cheating is betrayal, cheating is being invalidated; cheating is being thrown in the bottom of the abyss. It's hurts because it feels like we're disposable and not special. Cheating feels like we're replaceable; like quarters in a slot machine.

With NC I wanted him to feel what I'd been feeling... .to put him in my shoes. To punish him with his own ugly mirror.

It's so crazy to desperately want love from someone who has the capacity to hurt you over and over again. It's an addiction and it's hard to break because more than likely it is our blueprint on how we learned to give and receive love. For me he was my mom all over again. My mother abandoned me in all areas: emotionally, mentally, physically... .she was simply never there for me... .and my ex essential did the very same things that she did. What I didn't get with my mom I tried to fix through him.

I understand the hole you feel in your soul but you have to press on and learn all you can about BPD.

We want love from people who don't love or like themselves. We desire them because we haven't accepted that they lack the capacity to give us what we need. That is what mental illness means; it means they lack the capacity to fulfill our needs due to their own toxic blueprint based on shame, toxic abuse, abandonment betrayal, neglect... .

When we learn more about BPD we learn how to take their behavior less personally. Our ex's cannot give us what they cannot give themselves.

I molded, shape-shifted, modeled, poured into and gave and gave to my ex hoping that he'd give back an ounce to me what I had given to him. I gave everything to make it work without realizing how sick he truly was. I thought he was choosing to neglect me... .choosing to betray me... .choosing to hurt me on purpose... .again... .it's their lack of capacity that makes it feel that way for us.

So eventually I emotionally grew in a place of treating NC as my healing space to detach from abuse. It will take time to accept that we fell in love with a mentally ill person; a person who looks so normal on the outside but who suffers internally with stunted emotional wiring.

In the mean time take care of yourself... .stay hydrated, gym, running, walking, journaling... .seeing a therapist... .whatever it takes to get back to self-love.

Spell

[KHC_33]

I feel you. The pain, the confusion and torment. Trust me. When I went with NC I had to tell my ex that I needed my space and I wanted my life back.

He was VERY furious with me. Almost to the point where he was going to come an hour away to where I just had moved to.

He still tries to contact me and every time he does I get angry. I have to relax and tell myself I don't have to face him. You aren't together, living together or conversing in any way. I am still SAFE as long as I wanted to be SAFE with the wall of NC.

You need to learn to love yourself more than anything. I cannot stress that enough. Go out, have a coffee. Meet people. Go bowling. Buy a book. Go to an event. Get a massage... .buy some clothes. Do something for you. How you treat yourself is how you will treat the one you love. Think of it.

If you really care for yourself you won't hurt yourself. Very unfair when we enter into these relationships broken because we are looking for something to pacify our past wounds. Not only does that fail but we end up being what we were back then in the past... .caretaking all the way. Dreamers that things will change. You can dish out the unconditional and unrentlentless loyality but the fact is no amount of what you do will change a person. Only tormenting you in the end.

Lesson 1 - Close that chapter (BPD relationships)

Lesson 2 - Learn to live for and love yourself

Lesson 3 - Repeat above (if you feel yourself ever getting involved with 1 and loosing yourself number 2 again).

Hugs.

[bpdspell]

You need to learn to love yourself more than anything. I cannot stress that enough.

[PhoenixRising15]

It's hardest because that's what she said towards the end.  In a moment of clarity, she said she needed to learn how to not seek validation from men.  That most of our relationship problems came from her own past wounds.  That she needed time to learn to love me as I deserve to be loved.  Needed to learn how to be happy on her own.  That she didn't love herself and wasn't good enough for herself, so how could she ever be good enough for me.

Even told me that she wouldn't blame me for leaving.

She said all these things of her own volition.

In the short time we last got together since that writing, she had been with 4 more men (that she admitted) and started an emotional affair when we got back together.

It's almost harder because I can see what's happening with her better than she can.  Knowing that she needed to have someone there, because she couldn't be alone triggers my compassion.

Doing this while trying to hold on to me triggers my feelings of betrayal.

She is coming back, and we live too close to each other in a small city to not see each other.  It is a virtual certainty that we will see each other again, "accidentally" or on purpose.

I know that she won't be better when she gets back.  I know she will pretend she is.  She may even believe she is.  She may pretend to be remorseful, or even "feel" it in the moment.

But I know her cycles.

I'm just sad that I have to watch her spiral down the tubes.  It's not fair.  It's JUST NOT FAIR.

Some may say, "You don't know this girl.  You don't know who she really is".

I've been questioning that notion over and over.  Was it all fake?

I'm just so confused and afraid.  I don't want to fold.  I don't want to be in that pain again.

I was sitting, abandoned, in an airport, suicidal and was consoled by multiple strangers.

Probably the darkest place I've ever been.  Ripped apart.

I guess I need to learn to not be so naive.  Trust people at their actions not their words.  Even that didn't work because some of her actions felt so good.

I feel like I can never trust again, and all I can do is just anticipate that everyone is out to hurt me and get what they can from me.

I'm back to square negative 10 from where I was in recovery from my own trauma only a few months ago.

I was finally opening up, and now I just want to completely shut out everyone else in the world.

I don't know how to move a post, but any mods that want to move it to the leaving board, I understand it will get more input on the leaving board.

I'm just trying to post more in personal inventory, as it seems like a lot of venting goes on in Leaving, and I don't want to vent.

I want to feel better.  I want to be healthy.  I want to let go.  I just don't know how.  I've spent a lifetime holding on to shreds of hope.

[fromheeltoheal]

Stay here and keep talking Questioning, and is there anyone in your life you trust?  It is very important to get as much support as you can right now, and professional help if you need it, but just talking to people who will listen and you trust can help a great deal.  You can trust everyone on these boards for starters, not that you know us, but there's a lot of good will around here, and the mods are looking over our shoulders.

Next step, learn as much as you can about the disorder.  It will help you make sense of what happened, and in time you may end up seeing her as an unhappy, sick person instead of someone out to destroy your life, and the knowledge depersonalizes what happened; it wasn't about you, it could have been anyone.  My borderline ex was unfaithful to me in my opinion, but not in hers; she used sex with random men as a way to soothe, and there was no emotional involvement for her, it wasn't even an attachment attempt, primary concern for borderlines, it was sex for sex's sake, physical release to get her out of her own pain for a minute.

I guess I need to learn to not be so naive.  Trust people at their actions not their words.  Even that didn't work because some of her actions felt so good.

I feel like I can never trust again, and all I can do is just anticipate that everyone is out to hurt me and get what they can from me.

Me too man, went into my relationship naive as hell.  Growth includes developing healthy boundaries, learning what trust and respect are and how they show up in a relationship, and not settling.  I went full steam ahead, blind, into a relationship with a mentally ill person, got royally screwed by it, but am now realizing she showed up for a reason, there were lessons I needed to learn, and her way was so extreme it got through.  I see it as a blessing now.

No, you can't trust mentally ill people who have so much going on between their ears they could never be there for you, but that is a small percentage of us all.  There are plenty of people you can trust, but developing relationships, romantic or otherwise, slowly, and having someone show you they are trustable before you let them in.  Take care of you, and stay here.

[winston72]

Such a powerful, helpful thread!  Thank you.  It is, of course, so heart wrenching but essential that such a helpful thread is borne from the pain and searching of others.  QuestioningFaith, you are authoring answers to questions that I didn't know how to put into words.  Thank you.  I am really moved.  I have been suffering from many of the same dynamics…feelings…experiences…am wrapped in the same shrouds of denial and mired in the same repetitive longings and hopes, not yet wanting to call them fantasies because they have a basis in history. 

I would like to make a few comments on what you wrote:

"Some may say, "You don't know this girl.  You don't know who she really is".  I've been questioning that notion over and over.  Was it all fake?  I'm just so confused and afraid.  I don't want to fold.  I don't want to be in that pain again."

It seems from your writing that you know her very well.  I think you know how she behaves and how she affects you.  You are very clear in your understanding.  Was it all fake?  What was a fake?  Everything you experienced was real…very real.  It might not have been what you understood it to mean, or what you want it to mean, or what you think she was understanding it to be.  But, it was not fake.  That perspective starts to undermine your own judgment and experience.  It was not what you expected or wanted, but you came to a very workable understanding of what happened.  It was a surprise, but not a fake. 

Afraid?  Man, that fear courses through me episodically each day.  It is much better now, however, than it was some months ago.  The fear fades.  It shrunk as I kept embracing it and looking for its origins.  I was afraid of the debilitating pain from her rejections, from my disappointments, from the misunderstandings, from the push/pull cycles that both of us generated.  It was awful.  But it has become much, much better.  It will for you also.

You won't fold.  You might wrinkle and bend and twist, but you will not be overcome by this.  It is not a game with a score to keep.  It is not about winning and losing.  I know you know this well and are not in that mindset. What I am trying to say is that you are well on your way to a better place and to some genuine personal renewal and healing.  You have too much awareness and emotional self-engagement for there to be any other outcome. 

I am sounding a bit like a cheerleader, but I am emboldened by the wisdom of your posts and i feel it for you. 

On your account of her lucid self analysis…that is so hard!  I experienced and still experience similar communication from my ex. There is a bright light in there…it beckons us to believe that it can shine the brightest…but it just does not happen.  I know all the reasons about BPD that support such a conclusion, but I just don't know anything other than that it is part of a cycle, not a beacon to a new day.  Ugh.  But it pulls me every time. 

Hey…want a clue why you might feel confused and afraid?  Or a bit paralyzed?  The infidelity hurts like hell!  It really, really hurts.  And you seem to be the type of person who will see the bigger cause, will try to "therapize it".  Dude, it just hurts.  It is like being run over by a car.  The confusion that I would see in your is your disconnect from this scorching pain as you try to find a way to understand the "why" of her behavior.  Dial in to that pain a little bit and you might find some clarity. 

HeeltoHeal, BPDSpell, KHC_33, and QuestioningFaith, thank you for this thread.  Please keep writing. 

And QF…as I finish this post, I am really pissed at this girl for cheating on you!  For doing it many times.  For not respecting your love for her.  For hurting you.  AARRGH! 

One thing these boards have taught me is to be honest with myself about my feelings.  My girlfriend lied to me and cheated on me.  I hurt so bad.  My heart ached, my stomach was shredded, I could not sleep.  I wanted to die.  I ran to therapy afraid of my despair.  And I told my therapist that my girlfriend made an awful "mistake."  That she is lost and confused and hurting and made a terrible mistake by destroying the best thing in her life…me.  AARRGGHH!  It took me almost two years to just admit my hurt and my anger.  She did something awful.  I hate it.  I hate her for doing it.  It was stupid.  I am hurt and angry. 

I was afraid that if I felt these things that I would lose her.  Duh.  Lose the girl that is cheating on me?  What is the loss?  Of course, the loss felt profound and horrifying for me…intolerable, so I refused to feel it and "therapized it" for me and for her.  Great new word, QF!  I would do anything to maintain that connection and avoid the pain…which of course does not work at all…it just prolongs it.  And, it also reduces the level of honest communication with your ex.  She hurt you!  Feeling the genuine sinew of your anger is good for her!  It is real.  If she reels from it and runs, so be it.  I wish I had been more spontaneous in my reactions.  It brings accountability for their behavior and…why am I explaining the benefits for her?  So typical!  It would have just been honest for me and genuine…and that is what should have been good enough... .

[KHC_33]

I wanted to talk about something here in related to cheating and if you were to leave your BPD partner/gf/bf.

The thought of leaving him or him leaving me at some point was gut wrenching. Until I realized why do I have to be so scared? I was afraid all his lies were true. I was scared he would be way happier with someone else that would have let him be right. Cheating would have meant I never gave him everything I had (God willing I was ready to lay my soul down for this man).

I was willing to die for him. I really was. I was sacrificing everything humanly possible.

Now the question is... .WHY?

Ask yourself why... .what does she have that some other beautiful wholesome healthy person doesn't?

Why is it that you allow that abusive psychological turmoil to continue?

The more I realized that my life and identity was him. Just as a child that clings onto his mother. That child views two as one and not the child as its own individuality.

We become so engulfed into their own turmoil that we make it ours. Every tear, rage, broken chairs, threat... .we own it. We take it on our shoulders and we bare it.

We have to learn to separate ourselves. These are THEIR issues. NOT ours. Whether they are with us, or leave us, or with someone else they will always have these issues. NOTHING you can, will change that fact.

We hold ourselves so responsible for their actions. It is unreal. Sorry, sorry, sorry, I am sorry. My current boyfriend understands just how deep it goes.

My mother leaves bruises down my arms ... I am the one apologizing to her because I made her do it. I was uncontrollable... .

Think about that. She couldn't control me. So she abused me?

You are your own person. Be your own person. Live as your own. Do not allow someone to take over you like a machine. You are allowed to have your feelings, thoughts and actions. Not based on what they feel or do.

Life is short. Don't waste your time. In less you are prepared for this life long.

[PhoenixRising15]

Your replies brought me to tears as I read them over and over.

I'm trying, and she is my mother all over again.  It's sad to say, but it was easier to let my mom go than my ex.  I guess after 20 years I finally just gave up.

The hard part is not thinking she can fix it.  I too was once broken.  Terribly broken.  Had completely repressed my feelings.  Lived my life moment to moment, drug to drug, person to person, anything to shield me from what went on inside.  And I finally hit my bottom, and I've been building ever since.

Having done it myself, its so hard not to try to love her through it.  And, in all truth, the most loving thing that most people did in my life at that point was distance themselves from me.  Let me go.  Let me find my own place of despair so that I could start climbing.

It's hard not to feel like I'm right back there, but I guess at this point I can actually feel what's going on, which is what makes this all the harder.

I do have some people I trust and I'm relying on them heavily.  But I do trust people here more than I trust my T or friends to understand.

I mean, Winston, I just cried and cried when I read your post.  I don't know how to be angry with her.  I just feel sad, and it means the world that someone else can be angry for me.  That someone sees me as worth getting angry over.  I mean, my friends have said it, my T, others, but man, someone out there that's never met me?  It's hard to accept.  It's hard to accept that any of you are real, that you could be real, that anyone actually gives a hit about me or anyone else.

hit,  Just writing that I realize just how far down I am.  How low my self esteem is right now.  How isolated and lonely and whipped and depressed I became in only a few short months.

It's almost too painful to try to remember the bad memories.  To make them real now that I'm safe.  Because they really were that bad.  You were right.  It wasn't fake.  And that's the most terrible part.

KHC,

The answer for me, was that I finally thought I had found someone who understood me.  Who shared similar experiences, and could relate to my fears and struggles. 

Yes, she had similar experiences, but she hasn't processed them.  Hasn't gotten in touch with those parts that drive her.  That prevent her from being the sweet loving inner child I have seen when her defenses come out. 

I whittled my defenses down over time, so that I could share myself with the world.  Then I dropped them all when I found her.  BAD MOVE.

Not an excuse.  Not what I want.  Not rational.  But its the true answer to your question.

And yes, I got enmeshed.  I thought we could be "better together", help look after one another's hurts.  But as I have seen somewhere here.  Broke + Broke is not = Fixed.

[Ironmanrises]

Question... .

I just broke down in tears... .

Reading your post.

I can understand... .

You feeling that way.

That you want your ex... .

To see... .

To feel... .

How much she has hurt you.

I can so relate to that.

It is an awful feeling.

A hurtful... .

Feeling... .

That stays... .

And lingers.

And the pain... .

Multiplies.

I know that... .

Feeling.

Your ex... .

Does know... .

How much she hurt you.

Due to her disorder... .

She only knows this... .

In moments in time.

Point A... .

To Point B.

Transitory.

We don't operate like that.

Our pain... .

Our feelings... .

Are fluid... .

Lasting... .

They don't turn on... .

And off... .

Like that.

She will only realize... .

What she did to you... .

When her dysregulation... .

Returns to a base normal.

And then... .

She will try and contact you... .

Directly.

You don't want this my friend.

You know what that leads to... .

And you need to heal.

Your silent treatment... .

Is in fact NC.

You aren't trying to reach out to her.

Yes... .

You want her to contact you... .

I know.

But deep within you... .

You know... .

She is not good for you... .

For your well being.

Maintain your NC... .

And find that wound... .

Within... .

That needs to heal... .

So that you... .

No longer need... .

Such a destructive person... .

Like your ex... .

In your life.

NC will give you... .

That space... .

That peace... .

Needed for your healing brother.

I know you are hurting.

I can feel it in your words.

Letting go... .

Is not easy.

3.5 months of NC later... .

I still cry... .

Over my ex.

Keep posting on here.

We hear your words.

You know... .

We stand with you... .

In solidarity... .

Brother.

Hang in there.