I am so fed up of this, it needs to stop before I cease to exist

[mary93]

Well I have posted here before, My DD20 was stuck at the train station last night and her father had not arrived from the airport on time to pick her up and bring her back to his house, so who did she contact, me of course. I should have left her sorry butt there until he showed up as she has pushed me way back in my moving forward. She came over and was a rude, arrogant BPD person. But yet she was friendly to her father and his gf on the phone and to her own gf on the phone, it was as usual just directed at me. But yet I was the person, the only person, who was there when she was stranded. She sat there like a pouting 2 year old with her shoes and coat on like she was in a waiting room somewhere (this is the place she was raised in and lived for over 15 years). She didn't exchange conversation at all, and when she saw me shed a few tears asked why I was crying and huffed and rolled her eyes. She then finally took off her coat and shoes and went to lie down on her bed in her old room. Then her gf called and she had a great time on her cell, friendly, laughing, etc. And true to being a BPD when her dad showed up to get her she became kind and caring towards me like nothing had happened, before leaving the house (he was waiting in the car) She asked if I was going to the surgeon with her this week etc as she has a follow up apt. I could barely speak and said I dont know Ill let you know. I am so fed up of all this BPD crap it is literally eating me alive. I can no longer stand to be treated like yesterdays trash, while she puts every single other person on a pedestal and that in my face. If this is what my lifeis going to be like moving forward with a BPD daughter, well then I cant do it... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[startover2013]

Hi mary93

well our situation is exactly the same... .our son (23) has been seeing a psychotherapist for 3 mos now ,,and it  IS HAVING SOME BENEFIT... .what you characterized below ... .is the EXACT MANIFESTATION OF THE DISEASE... .it is not about you (or us) or directed AT YOU... .it is a depersonalization and deconstruction of those who the BPD person is the CLOSEST TO... .i have told my wife (who has your role in this situation) that its the equiv of speaking to the devil and you cant "listen" or take the toxic comments and abuse to heart... .is your BPD getting ANY help?  it also appears that you have other stressors going on (ie husband and gf) ... .step away from the ledge... .and keep it in perspective and context... .and try to control the impulse to react to the hurtful words and behaviors as it takes the power and impact of "power" away from the BPD comments

[peaceplease]

mary93,

I am glad that you are back for support.  I can understand how you feel so frustrated.  In fact, I was ready to make my own thread and still will, but I wanted to let you know that you sure are not alone.  My dh and I have some similar scenarios going on.  I recognize there are some poor family dynamics going on in my situation.  (but I will get to that in my own thread)

I can imagine your anger when you are there to help your daughter, and she does not even seem to appreciate what you have done.  She is friendly to others who have nt been there for her.  You were the only one there to help her, and she did not even give you any recognition for that.  Not only were you not thanked for picking her up, but she was rude and disrespectful to you.  I firmly believe that the one who loves them unconditionally gets all of the negative emotions spewed at them.  You are still going to love her, but perhaps she does not believe that of others.  She may have a fear that they wil abandon her, if she is negative towards them. 

I believe going out there when her dad was expected to be there, stirred up quite a bit of anger in you.  Especially if you are the one always going to the rescue.  For myself, I have noticed that I tend to get emotionally dysregulated when I am tired.  Fortunatley, a do- over helps tremendously.  I will go back and validate my dd's "feelings" not the behavior.  And, I make an effort not to use the word, "but" and start statements with "you".  I have apologized and recognize her feelings.  I am still not condoning her inappropriate behavior.  And, 95% of the time she thanks me for acknowledging her feelings.  Your daughter's toddler like behavior was not about you. 

I have found that validating her feelings behind the behavior really works for me.  I am not validating the behavior, but the feelings.  And, many times, I tend to respond emotionally when I am tired.  what is great, there is always a do-over!

I need to run, as we are going to church.  But, I would like to suggest that you take a look at the tools on the right.  Validation really helps and works for us.  Now, I can't say that it totally solves the problem, but it makes it so much smoother.

peaceplease

[mary93]

thanks @startover2013 and @peaceplease for the input it was of great help. I did look at the validation capsule and found it very interesting. When I went to pick up my daughter I don't think I appeared angry or let off anything (as I wasn't angry) but perhaps I might have unconsciously had some body language going on, as quite frankly I dont know how to act or what to say around her anymore, as dont want to set her off, and sadly I guess anything can set her off. Went to therapy today and my therapist told my something interesting. She thinks their is some "transfer" type thing going on (I can't quite get the right term as I am french and we speak french so the term was given to me in french) The way to explain it, is, I am like a sponge absorbing my daughters pain and in turn living it. I do think I could possibly be an empath, as if there is suffering I seem to absorb alot of it, so perhaps she is onto something here. This is really getting the best of me these days and I hope that I can find some peace before I become non-functional (am still able to work and do daily activities so far) I have decided with my therapist to cut all physical contact with my daughter until I am emotionally stronger, as I am too fragile right now. We can communicate via text/email or phone, but to see my daughter and be treated like yesterdays trash I am in too much of a weakened state right now and if I am not able to pick myself up I will not be able to be there for her. All I can say is that BPD is a very very demanding and sad disorder.

[BioAdoptMom3]

My heart goes out to you!  I experience the same thing with our 14 y/o DD who has been diagnosed with BPD traits.  My DH can actually call me in the am and tell me she is a great mood (he takes her to school on his way to work) and when I pick her up she is a totally different person.  I am sure its not school because the same thing can happen from one minute to the next, sweet with him, hateful to me!  Ours is also adopted and this is a problem with adopted children in general because of their resentment and distrust towards the birth mom (they take it out on the female gender).  I thought that was soely the cause of this for us, but after hearing so many of you on this board say the same thing, often about bio children, I think it must be one of those BPD traits!    from a fellow mom who understands!