Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
January 27, 2021, 02:07:32 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
204
Pages: [1] 2 3  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Anyone worry your replacement will make it work with your ex  (Read 8992 times)
swimjim
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 262


« on: October 28, 2013, 11:50:32 AM »

Does anyone worry that your replacement will make their love last forever with your ex.What if your replacement is able to avoid the devaluation phase. My ex has already moved my replacement into her home after dating just one month. My relationship with her has been over for 10 months now. What keeps me going is knowing it was her illness and not me that broke us up. However, if she has finally found eternal love with the new guy, then maybe I am wrong in thinking she has BPD. 
Logged
fakename
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 444


« Reply #1 on: October 28, 2013, 11:55:13 AM »

i dont know if my replacement(s) will make it last with my ex... .i try not to think about that... .its more about what i want and deserve in a relationship... .and she doesnt offer me that.

to relate to you, i know what you mean... .there was one ex whom she gave her apartment key to within a month... .and the last i heard shes in love with this other guy... 26 years old with 2 kids from 2 different moms, but apparently he treats her very well, so all the best to them... .

Logged
Waifed
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1026



« Reply #2 on: October 28, 2013, 11:55:56 AM »

Does anyone worry that your replacement will make their love last forever with your ex.What if your replacement is able to avoid the devaluation phase. My ex has already moved my replacement into her home after dating just one month. My relationship with her has been over for 10 months now. What keeps me going is knowing it was her illness and not me that broke us up. However, if she has finally found eternal love with the new guy, then maybe I am wrong in thinking she has BPD. 

Yes. I think about this happening when I am sad. Otherwise I could care less.
Logged
nylonsquid
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 441


« Reply #3 on: October 28, 2013, 11:58:20 AM »

This is a typical thing I used to think of. The short answer is I don't worry anymore. But the better question is, which would mean you've taken the next step, is if you had another chance would you do it again? My answer is no. She can be with that other person and I wish her the best. She might be happier for a longer time with him but I'm as certain as the sky is blue that she would be the same. Just check her track record. Its a ticking time bomb. Best thing I did was not move in with her because of the signs. I don't even understand how some guys can ignore them. They're all there in the beginning.

A little sad to say but even if she is a bit better I still don't think I would want to live with a cry baby. And not to be insulting but she reminds me of my friend's dog (unfiltered love giver but needs strong boundaries) except he's loyal.
Logged
swimjim
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 262


« Reply #4 on: October 28, 2013, 12:11:50 PM »

I know it is best not to think about it. I know it is best to focus on ourselves. I find myself asking what this new guy provides her that I couldn't. They are probably still in the honeymoon phase. I lasted 3 years with her so they could go on for a very long time. I didn't live with her but she begged me to marry her only after a few months of dating. If you are living together, doesn't the idealization phase shorten and the devaluation phase come quicker since you are together more?
Logged
DownandOut
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 260


« Reply #5 on: October 28, 2013, 12:12:09 PM »

This is something I think about constantly and I believe it is something that those of us who have had a pwBPD in our lives have thought about on more than one occasion. The one thing that keeps me somewhat sane at this point is thinking about the other relationships she had before me and knowing that many of them ended up the same way. My uBPDexgf actually admitted that after 3 months she feels the same way (aka the honeymoon period is over and devaluation phase begins). The way she described some of the relationships, however, were sugarcoated and I believe that those relationships included some crazy behavior on her part similar to her behavior during our relationship; I did get some nuggets of information from her that should've been  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) but I ignored them. The point is, if her history suggests that she has acted in accordance with particular traits, and she acted that way with you or me, it is very likely that she will act that way again. That is the line of reasoning I use to quell those fears I have of the new relationship working out. Alternatively, I truly believe she was put in my path for a reason (many things that lead up to her and I getting into a relationship support that notion); therefore, my belief in fate and things happening for a reason would have to allow me to accept the fact that if it does work out it's meant to be and our relationship wasn't. Not very comforting, but a reality check indeed.
Logged
swimjim
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 262


« Reply #6 on: October 28, 2013, 12:22:07 PM »

I don't know much about my BPDexgf history. I know she is 53 and has still never been married. I also know that the father of her child would not marry her and broke up with her when she told him she was pregnant. She admitted to me years ago that she got pregnant on purpose when he thought she was using protection. That was the first red flag that I ignored. I bet she knows better not to share that information with my replacement. I am sure she has fine tuned her skills in hiding red flags with my replacement.
Logged
nylonsquid
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 441


« Reply #7 on: October 28, 2013, 12:32:32 PM »

I know it is best not to think about it. I know it is best to focus on ourselves. I find myself asking what this new guy provides her that I couldn't. They are probably still in the honeymoon phase. I lasted 3 years with her so they could go on for a very long time. I didn't live with her but she begged me to marry her only after a few months of dating. If you are living together, doesn't the idealization phase shorten and the devaluation phase come quicker since you are together more?

Nothing. He's just another guy that fits a role in her life script. Just a variation of you. I have no experience in the length of living together but wouldn't you want to avoid that? My personal guess is it lasts longer seeing as my exgf couldn't bare having me away from her. She probably would be happy if I was chained in her home knowing I'll be there. So I think it would lengthen the delusion of a happy life. Is it that you want to prolong the good times? Are you seeking an eventual terminal relationship? Borderlines are the greatest ego strokers of all time, and boy would they make you feel grandiose, only to crush you like you are nothing and treat the next person like they are King/Queen.

You should ask yourself whether you want the bad times again because those are just as much a part of the good times. If you answer yes then you should be asking why. 
Logged
maxen
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2252



« Reply #8 on: October 28, 2013, 12:35:24 PM »

I don't know much about my BPDexgf history. I know she is 53 and has still never been married. I also know that the father of her child would not marry her and broke up with her when she told him she was pregnant. She admitted to me years ago that she got pregnant on purpose when he thought she was using protection. That was the first red flag that I ignored. I bet she knows better not to share that information with my replacement. I am sure she has fine tuned her skills in hiding red flags with my replacement.

wow. mine STBXW is 48, all her relationships, including w/ me, have ended in one of two ways: either the guy got fed up and left, or she started something behind her guy's back (inc. now me - hey, we took a vow and it would be different). i got cold feet when it came time for a family because she was drinking so heavily, so she tried to trick me into pregnancy by doing it when i assumed she was wearing protection, which she later tried to deny. i am sure that she has told none of this, and will tell none of this, to her paramour.

and i still think her new one will work out [insert bang-head-on-wall smilie here]
Logged

Oliolioxenfree
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 107


« Reply #9 on: October 28, 2013, 01:00:37 PM »




Well Id think about it this way. 

Even when people are not disordered, its extremely difficult and rare for them to do a complete 180 with the person they overlap or replace you with.  Despite all outward appearances on social media and what they may say, they have not processed their feelings.  Instead they have buried them and gone on the rebound, which is unhealthy behavior and does not facilitate a solid healthy emotionally available person for a mature relationship.  And that’s for those who aren’t even disordered.

Now if they ARE disordered the chances of change are even MORE rare.  Not only have they not processed their feelings and gone on the rebound, but know that their pattern will NEVER change.  The idealization/devaluation will cycle on.  All of their victims are different and our timelines may not be identical in our experience of the disordered behavior.  However, there is a pattern and since people don’t change without serious willingness to do it, youll find that the patterns repeat.  Additionally, youll find that the stories of their past partners may be a bit watered down or that they’ve fudged the numbers a bit to paint themselves in a better light and hook you.  Most people don’t say “Well my ex and I broke up because I replaced her with someone new”.  They Also wont paint a clear picture of their past especially if they have a repeated pattern of instability.  But the major signs will be there.

It may or may work out between your BPDex and your replacement.    But just know that if it does its NOT about you.  The pwBPD has not changed, but something about that relationship makes them believe that they can continue with their disordered behavior.   The new person may also ACCEPT their behavior or they may still be in the idealization phase.  Or they may be just as Effed up and ignore the major red flags .  Chances are it’s a combination of all three .  Additionally, sometimes its their own karma coming to roost.   You never really know. But have faith that whatever does happen, you dodged a major bullet.  Because the bottom line and the ONLY thing that should matter is that you were not treated with respect , kindness,love and care.  And you deserve better.  Good, kind people are out there I promise.
Logged
fiddlestix
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 210


« Reply #10 on: October 28, 2013, 01:02:07 PM »

After a year of separation and 95% No Contact, my dBPD ex wife and I tried to recycle last spring.  She was amazingly sweet and flirty, attentive and kind... .until... .she found a hot, young biker.  She threw me back in the dung heap and went with him.  That was five months ago and she is pretty much living with him now.  

Alas, they have been fighting, so I hear.  I am No Contact and ask no questions.  But a friend of mine said my ex showed up to drink because of a big fight with "biker boy."  I don't know what the fight was about, who started it... .

I admit, I am relieved to hear there are issues with the new guy.  Selfishly, it helps me move on, knowing that I was not the sole cause of our breakup.  I should know this; all of my ex's other flings ended weirdly. and some even violently.  They may last a while; he is 14 years younger than she.  Her ego is feasting mightily off of his youth.  

I wish I did not give a rat's behind about any of this.  But at least I am aware of where I am in my healing.  Self awareness and motivation to heal are huge factors in getting better.  

Fiddle
Logged
fiddlestix
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 210


« Reply #11 on: October 28, 2013, 01:11:02 PM »

Oliolioxenfree, thank you for your wisdom and rational thinking in the midst of our chaos.  I will be re-reading your post again and again.  PATTERNS DO NOT CHANGE without serious effort... .even with "normal" people.  With a bipolar/borderline, such as my ex wife, divine intervention may be needed for her to change her patterns. 

I am exerting great energy for myself to change and grow.  I am doing this with awareness and genuine effort.  And I still fall into my codependent, people-pleasing patterns.  And I am not bipolar/borderline! 

I am beginning to feel compassion for my ex wife and the immense struggle it must be for her to simply survive, let alone grow and change. 

Fiddle
Logged
PhoenixRising15
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 164


« Reply #12 on: October 28, 2013, 01:14:28 PM »

My greatest fear... .I worked so hard with her to help her see her problems and in the end she claimed she was working on them.

Whether or not that was true, who knows.

I'd just hate to feel like I was the one who helped her get healthy and then some other guy gets the healthy happy relationship I worked 6 months to try to get.

URGH.

I'd like to say I just want her to be happy.  To think, hey, if that was just my place to help her get healthy, then I'm glad.  I helped heal a person.

I'm not there yet, but that's what acceptance would look like for me.

Logged
nylonsquid
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 441


« Reply #13 on: October 28, 2013, 01:21:58 PM »

Now if they ARE disordered the chances of change are even MORE rare.  Not only have they not processed their feelings and gone on the rebound, but know that their pattern will NEVER change.  The idealization/devaluation will cycle on.  All of their victims are different and our timelines may not be identical in our experience of the disordered behavior.  However, there is a pattern and since people don’t change without serious willingness to do it, youll find that the patterns repeat.  Additionally, youll find that the stories of their past partners may be a bit watered down or that they’ve fudged the numbers a bit to paint themselves in a better light and hook you.  Most people don’t say “Well my ex and I broke up because I replaced her with someone new”.  They Also wont paint a clear picture of their past especially if they have a repeated pattern of instability.  But the major signs will be there.

Well put, Olioli. I know my curiosity made me recycle once to understand everything I have read about borderline behavior after our break up. She was with someone else and this time I was on the other end of things. Surely, everything panned out just as described in the textbooks. She left me because she found someone 'better', and she left him for me in the same way. And I'd bet that I stole her from the previous bf in the same way as well. She'd have some problems in a relationship, find someone who would be a good rebound, then dump the guy. I couldn't even tell whether she was in a relationship or not because she'd keep that away from the public. I'd find out later that even her bestfriends didn't really know much about us which was a shock to me.

Watch out!
Logged
Turkish
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned in Feb 2013.
Posts: 10992


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #14 on: October 28, 2013, 01:23:51 PM »

It will... .for a while. Maybe quite a while since the new guy won't have the stress of raising kids full time like we did. So the level of relationship will never be that high. It won't, and never will be the close, really intimate relationship she and I had. Because she fixed herself to never have kids again. I told her this, and she knows it. But that is all she can handle. If she/he can handle that, then... .whatever. That will have to be my attitude.

Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Turkish
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned in Feb 2013.
Posts: 10992


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #15 on: October 28, 2013, 01:28:59 PM »

Now if they ARE disordered the chances of change are even MORE rare.  Not only have they not processed their feelings and gone on the rebound, but know that their pattern will NEVER change.  The idealization/devaluation will cycle on.  All of their victims are different and our timelines may not be identical in our experience of the disordered behavior.  However, there is a pattern and since people don’t change without serious willingness to do it, youll find that the patterns repeat.  Additionally, youll find that the stories of their past partners may be a bit watered down or that they’ve fudged the numbers a bit to paint themselves in a better light and hook you.  Most people don’t say “Well my ex and I broke up because I replaced her with someone new”.  They Also wont paint a clear picture of their past especially if they have a repeated pattern of instability.  But the major signs will be there.

Well put, Olioli. I know my curiosity made me recycle once to understand everything I have read about borderline behavior after our break up. She was with someone else and this time I was on the other end of things. Surely, everything panned out just as described in the textbooks. She left me because she found someone 'better', and she left him for me in the same way. And I'd bet that I stole her from the previous bf in the same way as well. She'd have some problems in a relationship, find someone who would be a good rebound, then dump the guy. I couldn't even tell whether she was in a relationship or not because she'd keep that away from the public. I'd find out later that even her bestfriends didn't really know much about us which was a shock to me.

Watch out!

Mine won't bring any new guy home to her family. Because I am still there, because of our kids, and because they will never accept a replacement for me. I talked to one of her brothers the other day about introducing future paramours to the kids, like stipulating a 1 year relationship timeline before the kids meet him or her. He looked at me and said in his opinion it should be never. Wow. I told him I appreciated his opinion, but that we all need to be realistic about things, also. But it told me instantly what he thought of the whole situation. He's on our kids' side, in no way hers.

BPDex has no idea of how many people she has hurt in what she did... .She only ever brought one guy home to meet her mom, and her mom instantly didn't like him (the opposite of me). I was the only one who ever became part of the family. Now due to our kids, I will likely be the only one ever. Unlike many BPDs people describe here, her fear of marriage means she will likely never get married, just as we didn't... but could have once if I had pushed it and gone to the courthouse (which I know would have triggered the breakdown sooner, she is that pathological about it).
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
allweareisallweare
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 115



« Reply #16 on: October 28, 2013, 02:11:17 PM »

Honestly, as the sky is blue, we shouldn't worry about it - the incontrovertible fact is that they have a mental illness which is surefire to manifest itself within the context of a relationship - how and why would someone else (actually uninitiated to BPD as a concept, and who may not give a tenth of what we have to the fight) suddenly make somebody who is against themselves happy. There is nothing they have over us, nothing. They were selected because of BPD overdrive, the rock which they cling to to avoid a sea of abandonment (which is what we struggle in) and which they will always let go of anyway. How can they honestly slip into the routine of a relationship, which is hard anyway, knowing it's fraudulent and based on BPD impulsiveness and may have no basis on intellectual rational decision/factorised against whether they love this person etc. How can they be happy?

And how can someone else picked so randomly make it suddenly work when we 'failed' - we gave it all, that's why we're here in the family and on the board, because of emotional burnout etc- because we gave it all, in ninety-per-cent of cases we were left for a replacement and rebound who literally served a purpose, ticked a BPD box - just watch out when it fails and they try to go for round 2, that's all I say.

Logged
Oliolioxenfree
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 107


« Reply #17 on: October 28, 2013, 02:51:27 PM »

Fiddle,

“I am beginning to feel compassion for my ex wife and the immense struggle it must be for her to simply survive, let alone grow and change.  “ Once I started realizing this myself I too developed compassion.  I then found that that compassion replaced anger and my own feelings of inadequacy.  I no longer needed validation.  I think a final stage of grief in dating someone with BPD that many don’t acknowledge or mention is the developing of compassion.  Its that final transition to true indifference.

NylonSquid,

“he left me because she found someone 'better', and she left him for me in the same way. And I'd bet that I stole her from the previous bf in the same way as well.”  This was the same for me. Although mine hasn’t left my replacement for me, mostly because we are NC and Quite frankly Id rather light myself on fire than ever be with him again!   But These seem to the pervasive patterns.  Its tough when we don’t get the full story on how the previous relationship was, but 9 times out of ten you can put the pieces together coherently in hindsight.  And a pattern is a pattern is a pattern.  As a person who has strived hard to break my own pattern who is not disordered it has been an immense struggle for me and that’s with concerted effort every single day!

Allweareisallweare

“Honestly, as the sky is blue, we shouldn't worry about it - the incontrovertible fact is that they have a mental illness which is surefire to manifest itself within the context of a relationship - how and why would someone else (actually uninitiated to BPD as a concept, and who may not give a tenth of what we have to the fight) suddenly make somebody who is against themselves happy.”

That is 1000000000% correct.  They were just in the right place at the right time and fit the criteria our BPDexes were looking for.  If it wasn’t them it would’ve been someone else. 

Logged
swimjim
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 262


« Reply #18 on: October 28, 2013, 03:00:49 PM »

Thanks for the replies. They are very helpful. I guess I would feel better about myself if I knew they were at least fighting. That would mean that cracks would start showing in the idealization and it might be the beginning of the end of this phase. Once the fights start, then they multiply because they are not good at compromise and talking things out rationally. I know it is selfish on my part to have an idea if they are starting to fight and things aren't so good between them.  We don't know what goes on between closed doors. It would just be validating to have a sense that he may be struggling like I did. If he is a total doormat, he may pull it off and last much longer than me.
Logged
DownandOut
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 260


« Reply #19 on: October 28, 2013, 03:06:00 PM »

Thanks for the replies. They are very helpful. I guess I would feel better about myself if I knew they were at least fighting. That would mean that cracks would start showing in the idealization and it might be the beginning of the end of this phase. Once the fights start, then they multiply because they are not good at compromise and talking things out rationally. I know it is selfish on my part to have an idea if they are starting to fight and things aren't so good between them.  We don't know what goes on between closed doors. It would just be validating to have a sense that he may be struggling like I did. If he is a total doormat, he may pull it off and last much longer than me.

Just remember this, in bold. You walked away because you realized it wasn't right for you. Even if they are together forever, the reason may not be that he's a better man than you, but simply that he has much less self-respect. I am with you on wanting to know that they're fighting or that things aren't working out - I feel the same way every day. For me, it appears that my uBPDexgf replaced me with someone who is everything she said she didn't like and didn't want. If taht's true, there's no way the relationship won't hit some rocky patches which will cause the BPD swell to rise. In all honesty though, it's not our business and the faster we forget, the better we will be. I know, easier said than done.
Logged
Ironmanrises
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1774


« Reply #20 on: October 28, 2013, 03:08:32 PM »

I don't know if my exUBPDgf... .

Cheated on me and/or... .

Had a replacement for me... .

After she left me... .

For the second time... .

But... .

The very real fact... .

That she has this disorder... .

And the god awful treatment... .

I endured in 2 rounds of devaluation... .

With the attending discard... .

At the end of each... .

Means... .

That this behavior... .

Will continue regardless.

It is a pattern if behavior... .

That doesn't change.

The BPD is there.

The answer is no... .

To whoever replaces/ed... .

Me.
Logged
Turkish
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned in Feb 2013.
Posts: 10992


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #21 on: October 28, 2013, 03:16:12 PM »

Allweareisallweare

“Honestly, as the sky is blue, we shouldn't worry about it - the incontrovertible fact is that they have a mental illness which is surefire to manifest itself within the context of a relationship - how and why would someone else (actually uninitiated to BPD as a concept, and who may not give a tenth of what we have to the fight) suddenly make somebody who is against themselves happy.”

That is 1000000000% correct.  They were just in the right place at the right time and fit the criteria our BPDexes were looking for.  If it wasn’t them it would’ve been someone else

For a time, I thought I was special, if not for the fact that she chose me to have children with... .but then I remembered what she told me about a previous boyfriend (about 2 years previous to me), that she had unprotected sex with him for 8 months because she desperately wanted a baby with him. It never took (did with me like the first time... .weird sort of destiny?), even though she said the intimacy with him was fantastical, which she never said with me. He left her, then recycled, and left her, of course. But he was basically a kid. She just wanted a baby to attach to, the unconditional, needy love that kids show because they don't know any better. That would have changed as the kid grew older and became more of a real person. That was my childhood. I fear for our son... .at 3, I already see signs of her devaluation of men with him. BPD affects everybody close to them.

To quote Ironmanfalls, I f**king HATE this disorder!
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
willbegood
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 120


« Reply #22 on: October 28, 2013, 03:26:22 PM »

Can't say that I really care either way. I have no real desire to see people be miserable. So if her and my replacement work out, I think that would be great. If they don't work out, oh well.

Logged
swimjim
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 262


« Reply #23 on: October 28, 2013, 03:29:25 PM »

I think that is why my ex got pregnant. Either to trap the babys father into marriage of to get the unconditional love from the baby to satisfy abandonement issues. Or a combination of both.
Logged
bewildered2
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Went NC in June 2006
Posts: 2996


2 months good stuff, then it was all downhill


« Reply #24 on: October 28, 2013, 04:46:58 PM »

what about the person you replaced in her life?

borderlines are unable to make relationships work. that is the nature of the disorder. it is a disorder of intimacy.

so as soon as it gets intimate, it starts to go wrong. by definition.

and there are no exceptions, unless and until the borderline gets into and has been in therapy for at least three years.

b2

 
Logged

Turkish
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned in Feb 2013.
Posts: 10992


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #25 on: October 28, 2013, 04:55:22 PM »

what about the person you replaced in her life?

I didn't replace anyone... .at least recent. She was two years past a break up with the "love of her life" (he left her), then cycled basically a criminal bf she had a year before she met me, but kicked him to the curb because he was so blatantly bad. When I met her, she was in hermit mode (a typical trait for many BPDs). I did, however, in a way replace that One Guy from two years previous. But she never felt that insane connection with me as she did him (she told me!). That lasted about two years into our relationship until I felt her let that go. So in a way... .I guess she did replace him with me.
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
caughtnreleased
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 631


« Reply #26 on: October 28, 2013, 05:54:54 PM »

Let me see... .I grew up in a BPD household.  My parents never split, or cheated, etc. but I can tell you there was no love, no kindness, no intimacy between them, just non stop verbal abuse, denigration, and contempt for my father, who stood by and took it all.  My uBPDmother treated him (all of us really) like the dirt under her feet.  It makes me sad for him that in his life he has been treated so poorly, and that he has received so little love from her. I never saw her once make an affectionate gesture towards him (or us for that matter).  It was only totally unprovoked hostility, denigration, mocking, yelling, and in public she would be totally patronizing with him.  So, you shouldn't worry that they'll make it work.  You should feel sorry for whomever they make it work with (if it "works" because that person will be just as lonely and sad as the pwBPD in their lives.
Logged

The crumbs of love that you offer me, they're the crumbs I've left behind. - L. Cohen
hopealways
aka moving4ward
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 725


« Reply #27 on: October 28, 2013, 06:18:07 PM »

I truly believe they will never be in a happy relationship.  If they find someone similar or a narcissist they MAY last longer than with us but by no means will it be a happy or enriching relationship. 
Logged
simplyasiam
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 372


« Reply #28 on: October 28, 2013, 09:23:15 PM »

i use to worry about that but now i worry for the poor guy Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) thats the truth. hes only just starting to see what a BPD r/s will do to a body and soul

GOD be with me and us all
Logged
ScotisGone74
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 432


« Reply #29 on: October 28, 2013, 09:47:13 PM »

I worry about a lot of things... .the exBPD finding out where I'm working and showing up there or worse, getting a job where I'm at, or showing up at some social function I'm at just as a 'conincidence'... .but I DONT worry about her making it work with the new Mr. X whoever, because deep down, regardless of how I feel towards her or how I felt about her, I know that it won't work out.     you don't mentally torture, emotionally damage, physically threaten, lie, manipulate... .and then turn around with Mr. X and suddenly become mother theresa, it doesn't happen that way.    If the new guy calls to ask me anything someday I will talk to him and give him some words of encouragement when he gets dropped on his skull, because, sheeesh   he is in for one hell of a drop.   
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1] 2 3  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!