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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Anyone worry your replacement will make it work with your ex  (Read 8990 times)
peas
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« Reply #30 on: October 28, 2013, 10:18:20 PM »

Excerpt
he is 14 years younger than she. Her ego is feasting mightily off of his youth. 

Fiddlestix, I think you think your exes ego is feasting mightily off this 14-years-younger guy. A woman dating a younger man is not the same as a man dating a younger woman, you know, the trophy girlfriend or wife. It's a badge of honor for men to trot out a younger woman, but I don't feel it's the same status envy for a woman to trot out a younger man.

I have had serious, long-term r/s's with men 10 years younger than me and I had a friend-with-benefits who is 14 years younger than me. There is no ego rush in this. To be honest, I was kind of embarrassed when people would comment on the age difference. I just clicked with these guys and loved them for who they were. In fact, I really really want a man in my age range or older. But so far those men haven't shown up.
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Emelie Emelie
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« Reply #31 on: October 28, 2013, 10:28:17 PM »

This is a recurring theme on this board.  I think a lot of us worry about this.  That they will have "learned" something or our replacement will "handle" them better or they will love them more or whatever.  We find lots of ways to torture ourselves.  I still can't handle the thought of him being with someone else.  I saw him with another woman recently... .just a girl he was talking to at a bar... .and I thought I was going to throw up.  In any case it sometimes helps to look at the facts, which are their past relationships (including with you).  In the case of my xBF many of them lasted longer than ours (one year) but a year and a half seems to be his average.  And he's 50 years old.  There's really no reason to believe his "future" relationships are going to be any more successful.

I know we "shouldn't care".  But the reality is we're hurting and dealing with the pain of rejection and at this point we do care.  As we heal and move on I think the thought of them being with someone else will become less painful.
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« Reply #32 on: October 29, 2013, 12:50:39 AM »

Actually I wish my ex-BPDGF the best. I sincerely hope it works for her. BUT IT WON'T! No way! She has been through multi-pul short term & multi-pul long term relationships & they've ALL turned out the same... .When mine would talk to me she'd have a rough/bitter/harsh/mean tone to her voice. And this is when we were getting along (LOL, in so far as 'getting along' goes with a BPD). I'd say; "why does your voice sound so mean when you talk to me". She'd say; "Wow! I don't believe it. My other BF's have always said that to me. What is wrong with YOU guys"... .LOL, yeah, 6 ex's have said this but it's all OUR fault... .   zzz
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« Reply #33 on: October 29, 2013, 02:07:03 AM »

Does anyone worry that your replacement will make their love last forever with your ex.

In my personal case? NO

I dumped her, so there wasn't a replacement immediately available though I'm sure she sorted through some various options and might be buddy buddy with somebody by now. Will it last? Not likely! Do I care? Nope!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #34 on: October 29, 2013, 08:33:36 AM »

This is a recurring theme on this board.  I think a lot of us worry about this.  That they will have "learned" something or our replacement will "handle" them better or they will love them more or whatever.  We find lots of ways to torture ourselves.  I still can't handle the thought of him being with someone else.  I saw him with another woman recently... .just a girl he was talking to at a bar... .and I thought I was going to throw up.  In any case it sometimes helps to look at the facts, which are their past relationships (including with you).  In the case of my xBF many of them lasted longer than ours (one year) but a year and a half seems to be his average.  And he's 50 years old.  There's really no reason to believe his "future" relationships are going to be any more successful.

I know we "shouldn't care".  But the reality is we're hurting and dealing with the pain of rejection and at this point we do care.  As we heal and move on I think the thought of them being with someone else will become less painful.

thank you emelie that was a wise post.

unfortunately - and this is very hard to think about - i saw, before i went NC, that she had changed some of her behaviors, and changed them in the direction that i had begged for during the marriage and which she had refused to change. she's doing/displaying now, in her new relationship, what she stopped doing/displaying for me, and those are the very things that attracted me in the first place. i can react to this in a number of ways: she'd become unhappy with me, and is happy again; she doesn't yet feel intimately close with the new one, and when she does the overwhelming neediness will reassert. but it hurts furiously: she hid what i wanted, and is offering it to someone else.
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maxen
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« Reply #35 on: October 29, 2013, 09:11:20 AM »

ps, this post from zoso80 and this thread have been helpful in working it through.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161403.msg1578601#msg1578601

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laelle
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« Reply #36 on: October 29, 2013, 09:20:48 AM »

This is a question often repeated on this website, and I can understand the desire to KNOW the answer.

BPD is a devastating mental condition... it is not a disorder that turns on and off depending on the partner.  I can say that some relationships can last longer than others, but that is mainly based on what the partner is willing to learn and or put up with.

Either way, you do not need the failure of her next relationship to validate what happened in YOUR relationship.  YOU WERE THERE!

I don't care if my ex ever gets up in the face of his next partner and screams at her or tells her that she doesnt know how to walk right or talk right... .

Wishes bad things for her and say he hopes it happens for her own good... .

That he pathologically lies to her and messes with her head.  It was this way in MY relationship with him, and I WAS THERE.  I have my validation in my own two eyes.

My ex's next relationship and all future relationships will end the same unless he gets some treatment, and I pray to anyone out there that he does.

He is a time bomb... .tick tock, tick tock... .Eventually he will explode again.  

Put the focus on yourself... .Do you want your next relationship to end like your last one, and what can you see in your own self that led you astray?

 Laelle

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« Reply #37 on: October 29, 2013, 09:53:53 AM »

She really wanted to marry me so early in the relationship. My gut said there was something wrong because she seemed so desperate to be a Mrs. She had me up on the pedestal. She said I was the perfect one for her. I kind of believed her and she really stroked my ego. But I felt like something was off, not right so I was reluctant to buy her the ring. She became resentful. I guess at that point, we were no longer in the idealization phase. She moved my replacement into her home in a very short time. He may have bought her the ring so she can be the Mrs. that she so desires. My guilt that I wrestle with is that would I have still been dropped on my head if I would have bought her the ring and proposed. The pure hatred she had for me when she split me black was over the top by dating my ex best friend, calling the police on me, and filing the false restraining order. I guess I find myself thinking that my replacement can avoid being split black if he indeed marries her. But then, isn't that when the engulfment fears come to the surface? This illness is so hard to wrap your head around.
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« Reply #38 on: October 29, 2013, 10:11:18 AM »

The pure hatred she had for me when she split me black was over the top by dating my ex best friend, calling the police on me, and filing the false restraining order.

Would you have really wanted to marry someone who said they loved you, but was not willing to wait until the time was right with you?

Would you have really wanted to marry someone who so quickly hated you and then on top of that showed you no compassion or respect for the relationship by running to another man?

Would you have really wanted to marry someone who dated YOUR best friend, called the police and filed a false restraining order?

She did not love you... .you dodged a bullet...   wipe her off the back of your shoes and move on.

 Laelle

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« Reply #39 on: October 29, 2013, 10:23:52 AM »

Thanks for the replies. They are very helpful. I guess I would feel better about myself if I knew they were at least fighting. That would mean that cracks would start showing in the idealization and it might be the beginning of the end of this phase. Once the fights start, then they multiply because they are not good at compromise and talking things out rationally. I know it is selfish on my part to have an idea if they are starting to fight and things aren't so good between them.  We don't know what goes on between closed doors. It would just be validating to have a sense that he may be struggling like I did. If he is a total doormat, he may pull it off and last much longer than me.

Answer: yes!

Trust me they are fighting! We know from experience they cannot no matter what you do. My ex once flipped out because I didn't care for a movie! It's only a matter of what triggers the devaluation to start and when. There's a blueprint for their behavior.

It is not selfish really to feel this way. It is normal. We all do. We have been wronged. It is normal to not want someone to create havoc in our lives and walk off into the sunset while we are left freezing in the tundra. Do not shame yourself over this. That is not healthy. Just try not to fester it will fade.

We know that we did all we could and they still did this so the chances are highly unlikely that it will change. If they do it would be only because they finally realized they needed help and you happened to be there when they were getting to rock bottom. Highly Unlikely! If not almost impossible. If they stay together for long it will only because this person tolerates unhealthy behavior and doesn't know about or tolerates the cheating. Remember. It ain't over till it's over!

I'm working hard to not care anymore.
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« Reply #40 on: October 29, 2013, 10:36:38 AM »

I don't care really. I mean if he ends up dating it is only a matter of time. Every woman he had ever been with cheated on him. I wonder why? I withstand so much from him.

I know it won't be long before he latches onto another woman. He said in his letter that he had a few "tests" with woman that are after him but he "kept" his house pure for our love. Uhmmmmm... .interesting. I don't care anymore. It was like that when we were together, it is like that even now that we aren't. The behaviors don't change. They may have more drive but ultimately when you go back the same cycle will come into play.

Like a hot stove, if you touch it... .are you going to repeatedly touch it? Or learn that its hot and it will burn you.

They make you feel that the other person couldn't handle them, or wasn't good enough or was all their fault. It wasn't true love. It wasn't thick and thin. Wow... hunny I went through the flames and back. I got scorched and burnt. Did it do it any good? No. In the end it was a façade (an artificial or deceptive front) dictionary meaning. It is almost best that they go with someone else... .so you can heal in peace. Hugs
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« Reply #41 on: October 29, 2013, 10:42:55 AM »

Maybe its my own narcissism but I thought my ex would never be able to cope without me (I always took care of her and the kids). So that's what I usually said when she took me for granted.

Little did I know that when I could not take it anymore she already had someone waiting.

The reason why I am so confused is that I thought I was the one that did everything to "save" her and just was discarded a month before it ended. The new guy is doing exactly the same and sometimes I am jealous because I am the saving type and tried everything to save her. I have the angst that he WILL be able to save her and I never could.

Is this strange? Next to that he is already integrated in her home and my kids which is the most hard thing to see "happy" family a month after I moved out. Can someone please tell me why? Was she done with me long before it ended? Or how does that work?

I keep blaming myself that it ended (I also got that from my ex because "I" was always  grumpy and moody at the end).

Look forward to your feedback.


Thanks 

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« Reply #42 on: October 29, 2013, 11:13:40 AM »

Maybe its my own narcissism but I thought my ex would never be able to cope without me (I always took care of her and the kids). So that's what I usually said when she took me for granted.

Little did I know that when I could not take it anymore she already had someone waiting.

The reason why I am so confused is that I thought I was the one that did everything to "save" her and just was discarded a month before it ended. The new guy is doing exactly the same and sometimes I am jealous because I am the saving type and tried everything to save her. I have the angst that he WILL be able to save her and I never could.

Is this strange? Next to that he is already integrated in her home and my kids which is the most hard thing to see "happy" family a month after I moved out. Can someone please tell me why? Was she done with me long before it ended? Or how does that work?

I keep blaming myself that it ended (I also got that from my ex because "I" was always  grumpy and moody at the end).

Look forward to your feedback.


Thanks 

I may be wrong, but it does not sound like Narcism, more like Co dependency.  We are enmeshed in a relationship with someone with BPD and their strange behavior.

Of course we would be insecure... .of course this triggers our own abandonment fears... .  "She wont leave me because she can not live without me", was calming your abandonment fears.  Unfortunately, they are tricksy and dont work like we want them to.  They are already trying to bag the next person to empty their emotional drama on, while we are trying to convince ourselves that they are not the type of people that they are...

As far as her moving someone else in with YOUR children so quickly after your separation shows the type of person that she is.  Is that who you want to be with?

Someone who chooses her own pleasure over that of the stability of her children?  As you will continue to be in a coparenting relationship with this woman, it is best to learn the tools taught on the "Staying board"  I would highly advise you to take a peek over there.  Here is a workshop link on communication skills. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0


As far as was she done with you before it ended?  I would go as far as to say she was gone before you started it.  It is a cycle of abandonment that she is playing over and over again.  You are not the first person that she drove away or left and you wont be the last.  Same movie, different actors.  She has a new co star now, but the ending will be the same.  She can not change the script without getting some therapy and applying it to her life.

 Laelle
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« Reply #43 on: October 29, 2013, 11:27:17 AM »

Thanks Laelle,

It's just a self fullfilling prophecy I guess. Thing is that the new guy is now "protecting" her against me and contact is going really painfull. She does not consult me about anything as soon as the new guy moved in. Before that she called me crying when the kids were too much on her. Now its all peachy and she is projecting on me that I am the parent that can't handle it.  I have to do it all on my own. Which I already did during our relationship but now mr new brings her to work, takes care of the kids etc. etc. It is painfull to see. I wanted her to for once in her life fall flat on her face but no... .

I try to keep the contact to a minimum but what she does is: She texts me a pic of the kids, I respond with nice, what were they upto etc and then no response from her side. It is like she is testing me or something?
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« Reply #44 on: October 29, 2013, 11:51:56 AM »

If our replacement gets the same white knight treatment that we received, don't our ex borderlines come to realize that there may be something wrong with them if every replacement is the most perfect man in the world? It is frustrating that they can't see their own dysfunctional pattern because they repress their feelings.In their eyes, every current guy is the greatest love of their life.
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« Reply #45 on: October 29, 2013, 11:54:31 AM »

If our replacement gets the same white knight treatment that we received, don't our ex borderlines come to realize that there may be something wrong with them if every replacement is the most perfect man in the world? It is frustrating that they can't see their own dysfunctional pattern because they repress their feelings.In their eyes, every current guy is the greatest love of their life.

In bold.

They have a mental disorder... .

That exists... .

To deny the very existence... .

Of the disorder... .

Itself.

That is BPD.

Hell on earth.

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« Reply #46 on: October 29, 2013, 12:01:02 PM »

I may be wrong, but it does not sound like Narcism, more like Co dependency. 

We all are to a certain extent. Most tend to be attracted to Caretakers (in between the devaluing relationships that many of them get into... .mine was in one 8 months before she met me). I started reading this book. Very recent, good and updated so far:

www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/144222018X

The author lists the standard 9 traits (mine has 7/9 for sure), but she also breaks it down to specific lists of behaviors, better than some other books. Reading those and comparing it to those exhibited by my BPDex was further confirmation that I am not crazy. Nor am I a bad person for coming to the BPD conclusion.
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« Reply #47 on: October 29, 2013, 12:02:28 PM »

If our replacement gets the same white knight treatment that we received, don't our ex borderlines come to realize that there may be something wrong with them if every replacement is the most perfect man in the world? It is frustrating that they can't see their own dysfunctional pattern because they repress their feelings.In their eyes, every current guy is the greatest love of their life.

In bold.

They have a mental disorder... .

That exists... .

To deny the very existence... .

Of the disorder... .

Itself.

That is BPD.

Hell on earth.

Mine knows... .I see her searching. She comes close, then goes off on another tangent. She's even talked about it over the years. It hurts me to not talk to her about anything other than the daily banalities and responsibilities we have now (due to her still living with me). It hurts me to see her hurt, but I need to focus on healing my own pain now. I am sick of devaluing myself.
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« Reply #48 on: October 29, 2013, 12:22:41 PM »

If our replacement gets the same white knight treatment that we received, don't our ex borderlines come to realize that there may be something wrong with them if every replacement is the most perfect man in the world? It is frustrating that they can't see their own dysfunctional pattern because they repress their feelings.In their eyes, every current guy is the greatest love of their life.

In bold.

They have a mental disorder... .

That exists... .

To deny the very existence... .

Of the disorder... .

Itself.

That is BPD.

Hell on earth.

Mine knows... .I see her searching. She comes close, then goes off on another tangent. She's even talked about it over the years. It hurts me to not talk to her about anything other than the daily banalities and responsibilities we have now (due to her still living with me). It hurts me to see her hurt, but I need to focus on healing my own pain now. I am sick of devaluing myself.

In bold/underlined.

That is very important.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #49 on: October 29, 2013, 01:07:02 PM »

Thanks Laelle,

It's just a self fullfilling prophecy I guess. Thing is that the new guy is now "protecting" her against me and contact is going really painfull. She does not consult me about anything as soon as the new guy moved in. Before that she called me crying when the kids were too much on her. Now its all peachy and she is projecting on me that I am the parent that can't handle it.  I have to do it all on my own. Which I already did during our relationship but now mr new brings her to work, takes care of the kids etc. etc. It is painfull to see. I wanted her to for once in her life fall flat on her face but no... .

I try to keep the contact to a minimum but what she does is: She texts me a pic of the kids, I respond with nice, what were they upto etc and then no response from her side. It is like she is testing me or something?

Your ex's new guy is still in fantasy land, feeding off all the lies told about you.  Continue to be the great person that you are, practice those communication skills, and run like hell when that relationship breaks up because you may very well become the good guy again.   
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« Reply #50 on: October 29, 2013, 01:23:24 PM »

If our replacement gets the same white knight treatment that we received, don't our ex borderlines come to realize that there may be something wrong with them if every replacement is the most perfect man in the world? It is frustrating that they can't see their own dysfunctional pattern because they repress their feelings.In their eyes, every current guy is the greatest love of their life.

In bold.

They have a mental disorder... .

That exists... .

To deny the very existence... .

Of the disorder... .

Itself.

That is BPD.

Hell on earth.

Mine knows... .I see her searching. She comes close, then goes off on another tangent. She's even talked about it over the years. It hurts me to not talk to her about anything other than the daily banalities and responsibilities we have now (due to her still living with me). It hurts me to see her hurt, but I need to focus on healing my own pain now. I am sick of devaluing myself.

I think that dissociation is the root of all the problems for BPD and ourselves.  When their minds rewrite the way things happen or create things that never happened we are left with nothing.  How can you fight or love something that creates a non reality on an ongoing basis.  Your reality with this person is rewritten by them and it slowly eats their mind up and tears out our hearts.  It creates lies that we can see right through (sometimes unintentional and sometimes to cover themselves) that are often perceived as truths by them.  It is a perpetual cycle of emptiness, frustration and insanity.
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« Reply #51 on: October 29, 2013, 03:53:04 PM »

I truly believe they will never be in a happy relationship.  If they find someone similar or a narcissist they MAY last longer than with us but by no means will it be a happy or enriching relationship. 

My uBPDgf was previously with a hardcore narcissist. It is like mixing a flame thrower and dynamite. I am aware that she mostly told me about all the bad things he did to gain sympathy, but I did investigate him some myself and was able to substantiate alot of it. He was a big, buff, misogynistic, 34 year old married guy (at the time) with two kids and his own business. Everything she told me about him fit the narcissist criteria to a T. He wore daisy dukes and drove around in a BMW with scissor doors for Gods sakes! LOL. He was from the middle east and had his (also very young) American wife shipped off with their two kids to the middle east to have them educated while he was dating my (at the time) 18 year old (now) gf. I believe she was actually 16 when they started dating, but I know I will never get the truth from her. Anyway, I just wanted to paint a picture of this guy.

I have come to the conclusion that they "activate" the absolute worst in each other. From what I can gather from her past (and who knows how much of it is delusional lies) she went way downhill after she became involved with him. He was very controlling and it sounded like they fought very hard. I have researched this dynamic quite a bit and they do tend to form a very strong bond, but it is tumultuous to say the least.

He did an amazing job brainwashing her and I see his influence on her almost daily. Up until recently she wanted to learn Arabic and was very interested in converting to Islam. They have not been together for almost 7 years! She has married, had two kids and divorced, but this guy will always "own" her.

Eleven months ago she visited him behind my back (or so she thought) while I was out of town for work. She supposedly had not seen him in almost 6 years.  She also had her kids with her and she had previously claimed she would never let him around her children because he was so evil. She said she did it on impulse and thinks it was to gain closure. All BS. I have evidence that she planned the visit and what closure do you need after 6 years? Especially since I am supposedly the best thing that has ever happened to her (her words). Hah!

Just writing this makes me realize what an idiot I am for staying. At least I feel better getting it out though. I wish I didn't care for her children as much as I do. I have also realized I have rambled way off topic.

So... .No, they won't make it work with a narcissist. Nor with the replacement - ME!
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« Reply #52 on: October 29, 2013, 05:15:21 PM »

She really wanted to marry me so early in the relationship. My gut said there was something wrong because she seemed so desperate to be a Mrs. She had me up on the pedestal. She said I was the perfect one for her. I kind of believed her and she really stroked my ego. But I felt like something was off, not right so I was reluctant to buy her the ring. She became resentful. I guess at that point, we were no longer in the idealization phase. She moved my replacement into her home in a very short time. He may have bought her the ring so she can be the Mrs. that she so desires. My guilt that I wrestle with is that would I have still been dropped on my head if I would have bought her the ring and proposed. The pure hatred she had for me when she split me black was over the top by dating my ex best friend, calling the police on me, and filing the false restraining order. I guess I find myself thinking that my replacement can avoid being split black if he indeed marries her. But then, isn't that when the engulfment fears come to the surface? This illness is so hard to wrap your head around.

Holy crap! That is almost identical to what I went through... minus the RO. I too was reluctant to marry her because of exactly the same reasons. My gut told me not too. My replacement agreed to marry my ex three weeks after we split (WHILE she was still living in my house). Of course they did not openly announce their engagement until 6 months later, but all of our close friends know it was literally three weeks. They married about a year or so later. From time to time I wonder if they will be able to make it work, but truthfully my ex-friend has got to have a few screws loose too to agree to marry someone after only weeks of dating and after my ex had just ended a 6 year relationship. In our situation, it wasn't a rebound per say, more like an over lap. Either way, their dysfunction will either compliment each other, or WW3 will errupt when it finally comes to a head. You can't have two nut jobs together without some crazy making drama in the process. I'm not gonna lie though, after all the hell both of them put me through, I do hope that they break up... .and that it is EPIC!  Being cool (click to insert in post)
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caughtnreleased
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« Reply #53 on: October 29, 2013, 07:07:29 PM »

I have to say, I swing back and forth on this one. Yesterday I couldn't care less, today, I'm thinking and torturing myself about it.  How do we get out of worrying what they're doing with the replacement?  I don't really want to think about it.  It's like the ultimate devaluation really, and we do it to ourselves with the poison darts sent in our direction, thinking, imagining it's better with the next person, when the fact of the matter is, it's probably not all that different from what we experienced.  It's like it triggers something deep inside. We found someone we thought was special, and we wanted to be special to them too... .but all we get from the BPD is the opposite: We were nothing, we were insignificant, we were the cause of all their problems, and now they found their REAL "special" person.  Ouch ouch ouch. 
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« Reply #54 on: October 29, 2013, 08:10:59 PM »

@unhooking,

i went through those same feelings during my recovery... .they've subsided a great deal and i'm not sure if i envy how her latest relationship is going... .i feel like none of it is real, so what does it matter... .

i also feel like is my peace of mind or happiness going to come from whether she's in a happy or crappy relationship?  if that's the case, that's not right on my part and it's just my mind distracting itself from any real issues i may have.  i should be able to be content on my own - no one is more responsible for the peace of mind and happiness i seek over myself... .sure, someone can add to it, but the foundation is created by me, and the foundation is what is what will survive with me through good times and bad and through anyone that enters and leaves my life... .

i think it was important for me to just get to the point of acceptance of what happened, and that since she is no longer in my life and i won't allow her in my life - i don't care what she does with hers (so long as it doesn't intersect with my life in any way... .i guess i still have more growing to do on that end)

i get what you mean in saying we found someone special... .i really did think she was special and i wanted a life with her... .but then as i think over things clearly, i dont think it was something i would have wanted long-term anyway. i had no independence and wasn't allowed to be my own person... i also would like the ability to be able to think my mind is more deserving of thinking of other things going on in the world rather than just revolve around her 24/7... .

i dont know, i just think life is better without all the chaos... .i remember my ex saying i wasn't worth the stress and all we do is fight... .and i think i can apply that as well - no one is worth having in your life if they bring so much negativity... .it stunts your own personal growth
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caughtnreleased
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« Reply #55 on: October 29, 2013, 09:09:52 PM »

hey fakename,

You're right.  On many fundamental levels, being with a pwBPD means your number one project in life is them. That works if you haven't built yourself into an individual with a well rounded life, friends, hobbies, and passions in life that are not focussed on a single human being who ultimately cannot return what you give, nor allow you to have fulfilling relationships with others in your life.   I was acutely aware that being with my BPDex would have severely limited my life... .only because my ex before him had NPD traits, and successfully pushed me to give up many great things in my life.  I spent four years rebuilding my life, at which point I met my BPDex. He was a mess, at a low point in his life, so at first I considered it as a fun short-term adventure... .but somehow I got hooked and then I didn't recognize myself falling for this guy.  He matches the 9 BPD criteria so perfectly, you'd think he took a look at the DSM and found his identity there.

But I digress... .as you say, perhaps we are simply distracting ourselves from our own issues thinking about the replacement.  I am trying hard to look at my issues, to love and protect myself.  I wish I could take a crash course, become stronger and not feel these weaknesses that make me vulnerable to the manipulation, and where I can be totally indifferent to who it is he's dating today, tomorrow, in two weeks or in ten years.  I'm there some days of the week, but others I'm back wondering whether their 'special' is like our 'special'... .
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The crumbs of love that you offer me, they're the crumbs I've left behind. - L. Cohen
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« Reply #56 on: October 29, 2013, 10:05:53 PM »

I'm sure that My exBPDexgf has rewritten history and told My replacement that I'm the big bad wolf. His ego is being stroked and he feels like her savior. I remember her telling me at the beginning of our relationship how horrible her daughters father is. This is the horrible guy that she tried to trap into marriage by secretly going off birth control to get pregnant. It is frustrating how they dissociated and repress to protect their fragile sense of self at the cost of our pain.
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« Reply #57 on: October 30, 2013, 01:56:46 PM »

Excerpt
My ex has already moved my replacement into her home after dating just one month

.

Think about the character of the man that moved in after 1 month.
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« Reply #58 on: October 30, 2013, 02:14:09 PM »

I know. And if he considers moving into her house an upgrade from where he came from, then he must have lived in his mother's basement. Her home is very small and modest at best. She even let's him drive her car when she is not working. She has a nicer car. Another way to stroke his ego. I see him driving her car around town on occasion. Yes, it bothers me. I wish she had never moved to my hometown from 3,000 miles away when she was idolizing me. I told her not to because I did not know where our relationship would go and I did not want the burden of her moving all the way out just because of me and not have it work out.
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« Reply #59 on: October 30, 2013, 02:52:44 PM »

I know. And if he considers moving into her house an upgrade from where he came from, then he must have lived in his mother's basement. Her home is very small and modest at best. She even let's him drive her car when she is not working. She has a nicer car. Another way to stroke his ego. I see him driving her car around town on occasion. Yes, it bothers me. I wish she had never moved to my hometown from 3,000 miles away when she was idolizing me. I told her not to because I did not know where our relationship would go and I did not want the burden of her moving all the way out just because of me and not have it work out.

Wow, jim, I had a very similar situation and just like BPD's have similar thought patterns, us "healthy" nons must have the same thought patterns as well. What I mean is, my uBPDexgf was preparing to move to my hometown 1200 miles from where she lived to try to start fresh (we had dated when we were in the same city, but the latest recycle was a LDR). I, too, told her not to move right away because, like you, I thought that if it didn't work out I didn't want her to resent me because of it. I thought, and still think, this was a reasonable concern. However, every time I would bring it up she would lash out at me as not wanting her in my city, she was wrong, but there was no convincing her otherwise even though what I was saying was reasonable. I had no problem traveling back and forth to grow our relationship before one of us made a life-altering decision, especially her, because my job allows me to work pretty much anywhere and I could move around within reason. She didn't have that luxury and, although I live in a major city in which I knew for sure it would work out for her, it might not have worked out for us as a couple, so I was being smart. Luckily for me, she got cold feet (and a replacement) so the move didn't sound as exciting anymore and it never happened. I'm sorry that yours went all the way through with it.
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