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Author Topic: Anyone worry your replacement will make it work with your ex  (Read 8991 times)
Waifed
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« Reply #60 on: October 30, 2013, 03:11:47 PM »

I know. And if he considers moving into her house an upgrade from where he came from, then he must have lived in his mother's basement. Her home is very small and modest at best. She even let's him drive her car when she is not working. She has a nicer car. Another way to stroke his ego. I see him driving her car around town on occasion. Yes, it bothers me. I wish she had never moved to my hometown from 3,000 miles away when she was idolizing me. I told her not to because I did not know where our relationship would go and I did not want the burden of her moving all the way out just because of me and not have it work out.

It is amazing that money rarely has anything to do with the decisions that they make in their lives.  I tried to provide my ex with a much better life than she would ever be able to have and it had absolutely NO bearing on any of the poor decisions that she has made.
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laelle
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« Reply #61 on: October 30, 2013, 03:40:39 PM »

I know. And if he considers moving into her house an upgrade from where he came from, then he must have lived in his mother's basement. Her home is very small and modest at best. She even let's him drive her car when she is not working. She has a nicer car. Another way to stroke his ego. I see him driving her car around town on occasion. Yes, it bothers me. I wish she had never moved to my hometown from 3,000 miles away when she was idolizing me. I told her not to because I did not know where our relationship would go and I did not want the burden of her moving all the way out just because of me and not have it work out.

Wow, jim, I had a very similar situation and just like BPD's have similar thought patterns, us "healthy" nons must have the same thought patterns as well. What I mean is, my uBPDexgf was preparing to move to my hometown 1200 miles from where she lived to try to start fresh (we had dated when we were in the same city, but the latest recycle was a LDR). I, too, told her not to move right away because, like you, I thought that if it didn't work out I didn't want her to resent me because of it. I thought, and still think, this was a reasonable concern. However, every time I would bring it up she would lash out at me as not wanting her in my city, she was wrong, but there was no convincing her otherwise even though what I was saying was reasonable. I had no problem traveling back and forth to grow our relationship before one of us made a life-altering decision, especially her, because my job allows me to work pretty much anywhere and I could move around within reason. She didn't have that luxury and, although I live in a major city in which I knew for sure it would work out for her, it might not have worked out for us as a couple, so I was being smart. Luckily for me, she got cold feet (and a replacement) so the move didn't sound as exciting anymore and it never happened. I'm sorry that yours went all the way through with it.

Idealization not Idolization... .they are two different things.

They idealize you by considering you the best choice for BF/GF.  Everything you do is right for what they see is a good partner.  Kind, loving... etc

Then they start to see that you are not so perfect, that you have flaws.  That you are not the ideal partner, because in their world things are black and white, and you can not be both at the same time.  If you do not live up to their expectations (like have a need or want of your own) while they are dysregulated, you become black.  That is the devaluation.

It is not really you, it is their shame that forces them to react that way.  You are merely an object, an extension of them.  If you are flawed so are they.

They have to turn you black or they do not have the right to exist in their own skin... .They can not exist being black ( CORE trauma), the pain is unbearable, so it must be you.  

You are now evil and a liar.

Since you are now black, they have the right to unload everything they have been feeling, all of their shame, guilt, and the kitchen sink on to you to own.

You will always spend time in the black chair, because they are usually up to no good, and you get blamed for their behavior.

You can be as good as a Saint and it will still never be enough.  They will just say you are weak because you are TOO good.  

Anyone who stays in a relationship with someone who is BPD is forever chasing their own tail.


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swimjim
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« Reply #62 on: October 30, 2013, 03:54:00 PM »

I'm sorry. I meant idealization. I get so frustrated knowing I lived in my hometown my whole life, she moves to my town just 3 1/2 years ago, paints me black and files a false restraining order on me. She wanted me to buy a home with her but I would not budge. Then she bought a home 2 blocks away from my business and 2 miles away from my home. It sickens me to think that if the restraining order would have stuck, I would have had to change my route to my office that I have traveled for the entire past 35 years to avoid going past her house. Now she parades my replacement all over town driving her car knowing I will see them from time to time.
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laelle
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« Reply #63 on: October 30, 2013, 04:03:29 PM »

Your replacement is chasing his tail... arent you glad it is him and not you?  She will eventually turn him back and devalue him.  It is in her script to do so and without help she will not change.  It has to end in abandonment! 

I am so sorry that you had to suffer so badly by the hand of someone that you love.  I hope that you are now in a position where you do not have to deal with her and crazy making anymore.

You deserve better than that.  You are informed of this illness and you know that she will never change. She did not love you in the same sense that you loved her.

She loved you as far as her needs were concerned.  You were an object for her to dump her emotional garbage on to.

Arent you glad it is him and not you?  Let her parade him around town like a Ken doll.  Barbie will soon begin the same process on him that she did you.

Pick yourself up, wipe the dust from your boots, and move on.  Crazy + Normal will always equal crazy.

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eyvindr
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« Reply #64 on: October 30, 2013, 04:16:41 PM »

Very popular thread -- and no surprise, as it's one of the toughest things we deal with, in terms of processing, in the aftermath of any break-up.

If I may: What is the real question here? When we ask, "what if my replacement makes it work with my ex?" what are we trying to learn?

I love my ex. I'd say I loved her, if that were the case -- if, even though I left here, I'd stopped loving her -- but that has never been the case. It still isn't. I'm the first to admit that, if there were a miracle cure for whatever mental illness she suffers with -- I'd take her back in a heartbeat. She was, to me, a magical and beautiful person, and I don't regret any of my time with her, because during it I believe that I was able to get a glimpse of -- and be touched by -- her original soul, her basic human goodness. But, unfortunately, her illness, whatever it is or isn't (she's never been formally dx'd as BPD), prevents her from being able to stay in touch with that goodness on a consistent level, and I need that in a partner. I want that.

Like I said, I love her -- so I want her to be able to work it out with someone, even if it isn't me. She never understood this concept -- whenever we'd have that conversation, no matter how abstract it was, she'd end up feeling like I must not really love her, if I was able to think such a thing, because how could I think it unless I could imagine us being apart? (*boom* -- abandonment fears!)

So, what if the next guy makes it work with her? Why wouldn't we *want* that for our partners? Of course, it stings, because we wanted it so badly with them ourselves, and we can't have it -- either they took it away from us, or we chose to move on. If they left us, don't we deserve to have the relationship we want with someone else? If we chose to leave, we need to ask ourselves, why did we choose to move on? Wasn't it because we'd reached a point where we didn't feel it was going to work, and we had to make a choice? Sometimes, in r-ships that aren't working, the person who is making the most noise about being unhappy is also the person who refuses to make the choice -- so the other party has to. (Though by saying this I think I reveal my caretaker personality... .)

Maybe the real reason we get hung up on this question is because we worry that, if the next person can make it work with our ex, somehow we failed. Did we? How do we know that our exes next r-ship would be any different if it were with us? Maybe the next person is just more suited to their personality?

Good questions, and worth working through, I think. Love the level of honesty and self-questioning that these boards encourage.

e.
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swimjim
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« Reply #65 on: October 30, 2013, 04:33:15 PM »

Hi eyvindr. One of your last statements is my big fear. " If our replacement is more suited to their personality". If that is the case, then that may cause me to feel like I failed. Maybe he marries her and they make it work out. He may be like Abner Kravitz and just tune Gladys out and put up with it. But then, wouldn't her engulfment fears come in and try to push him away?
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Phoenix.Rising
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« Reply #66 on: October 30, 2013, 04:50:17 PM »

If we love them as much as most on here say they do, wouldn't we want them to be happy?  Idea
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« Reply #67 on: October 30, 2013, 04:55:22 PM »

By the way, my ex married my 'replacement' after dating him for 3 months... at least that is what I heard.  This is her third marriage.  Will they stay together?  I don't know.  Maybe.  Is it any of my business now?  No.  :)id I experience a lot of pain in that relationship?  Oh, hell yes.  :)id I experience joy?  Very much so.  :)oes it hurt to let go?  No doubt.  Keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Life goes on.
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Turkish
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« Reply #68 on: October 30, 2013, 05:36:09 PM »

If we love them as much as most on here say they do, wouldn't we want them to be happy?  Idea

I guess... .mine won't be for a long time, if it possible for her. But then she had kids with me, will never with another due to her fixing that about herself. So maybe she can handle the less responsibility-laden LTR... .that isn't her history though. She is pathological about marriage, as in not believing in it. But she might just make the jump if she meets up with an NPD who can fool her. It won't last for her though, based on all she told me of her past relationships. She either discards them, or they leave her. She hasn't had many. The recent one she had was the medicating one, and she was really off the deep end emotionally with that one, for like a month after I confronted her about it. If I didn\'t know her, I would have been scared. She had the best chance with me, her longest by far... .but then with the BPD, there never really was a chance. I'll always be in her life as an emotional support due to our kids and the devaluations I already see her doing to our son (because he's a male). I'll just have to deal with the fact that I will always be the adult. I need to let stuff go when she gets over her recent shame and guilt (I can feel it in waves... .not directed at me, but at herself), and possibly is able to be in a LTR for like a year or so. I still need to talk to her about introducing new people to our kids. That might be a tough talk. She is letting me lead this for now, in a way, but I know that could change. Her family will never accept any "replacement" of me, though. One all but flat out said that to me (insofar as the kids are concerned, I am not naive to see that our kids are not the focus, as they should be). So any introduction of a new guy won't be pretty. It is sad that she will basically lead a double or triple life for a long time, if not forever.

But that is the BPD, filling different roles and presenting different aspects of themselves depending upon the situation, which is how they define themselves.
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« Reply #69 on: October 30, 2013, 05:50:13 PM »

If we love them as much as most on here say they do, wouldn't we want them to be happy?  Idea

Yes we would. I try and pray daily that my ex finds peace and contentment. I know that it can`t be with me, but who said life was fair! That is the lesson of this disorder!
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bruisedbattered
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« Reply #70 on: October 30, 2013, 05:51:29 PM »

wow, its great to know there are so many of us walking in the same shoes, but no longer on eggshells.       Im on day 7 no contact, and stuggle to keep her out of mind.  Ive successfully resisted replying to her lures, and cant help thinking/ wondering if she has moved on yet.    I hope she has, but feel sorry for the nxt sucker.   However,  during our lightning 2 months together where we were tied to to hip, she was also living as "roomates" with her xbf whom she claimed hadnt been sexually active with over a year... (true, god knows... .)   One night she also brought me to another xbf house without first telling me where we were going.   She had keys to his place and would go "hang out there" while I, and he were working... .  They shared a cat together...   Funny things she left the current xbf she is roomates with to be with the x whose house she took me to.  They lasted 2 years, then she went back to the xbf/roomate she currently lives with.    Makes me dizzy just thinking about all this crap.  So I was a replacement, and I guess she'll just go back to one of them.  HOWEVER I believe im the lucky one in this bizarre triangle, as after 2 months, im running for the hills.  The other two I fear are damaged/abused beyond repair and stuck at her mercy.   God help them.  God help me get over her a.s.a.p.   Thanks for letting me vent.   my baggage
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Aw511
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« Reply #71 on: October 30, 2013, 06:07:31 PM »

I worry and then I remember the trail of amazing beautiful women he has left in his wake (I'd guess 25-30 gf's in his adult life) and am snapped back to reality. If none of them including me could nt "make it work" it's highly unlikely the next poor soul will... .
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Ironmanrises
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« Reply #72 on: October 30, 2013, 06:28:35 PM »

The disorder... .

Guarantees... .

That the next person... .

Will suffer your fate too... .

Unless of course... .

That person... .

Leaves the pwBPD in a similar... .

Cold hearted way.

And if they have re engaged you before... .

They will/most likely come back... .

Re idealizing you.

A pattern of behavior.

That pattern will not change... .

For the next person.

If they were not disordered... .

You would not have experienced... .

That peculiar set of... .

God awful behavior... .

That is... .

Inherently expressed... .

Only onto...

The non... .

Us.

You.

Me.

If they weren't disordered... .

Then maybe you should fear... .

That it would work... .

With the next person.

But the very fact... .

That you... .

Me... .

And all of us... .

Here... .

All experienced... .

Hell on earth... .

In practically... .

The same way... .

Renders the point of it working out... .

With the next person... .

Moot.

The next person... .

Will suffer... .

The rain of fire... .

That you did.

And they will wonder... .

Afterwards... .

Maybe the person... .

Before me(you)... .

Wasn't as bad... .

As I was... .

So told.

They may even seek you out.

Or land here.

The final resting spot... .

Of us... .

The secluded group of survivors... .

Of... .

Hell on earth.


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swimjim
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« Reply #73 on: October 30, 2013, 06:54:03 PM »

If I truly love her, the question is, woulnt I want her to be truly happy. Yes. However, remember, she got law enforcement involved and wanted to destroy My reputation in the community and drag me into a court room under false pretended. What is she would have successful in damaging My reputation? Should I still want her to be happy? I will pray more often to get to that better place in My heart so I will want her to be happy. Right now, I am numb knowing she could have destoyed My reputation. It is easy for certain people to call the police and make false charges and show herself as the victim. She really had me fooled. It will take me a long time to recover from this. My integrity is important to me.
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GreenMango
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« Reply #74 on: October 30, 2013, 07:01:04 PM »

Staff only

We've reached our 4 page maximum and we have to lock this thread up.  Thank you all for posting.

Here's a workshop that might be of some assistance in this journey:

PERSPECTIVES: Do not allow others to 'rent space' in your 'head'

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