90 days of NC, finding myself reminiscing the good times

[frustrated b/f]

Like clockwork, i start to reminisce the high points of our relationship and tend to forget about the traumatic experiences I encountered. I know I need to move one, but my mind seems to keep playing tricks on me. Its seems so alluring and so easy to just go back. Its' like the Greek mythology of the Sirens song that allured sailors by the sound of her voice only to crash their ships on the rocks.

How do you cope with following your brain, instead of your heart?

[allweareisallweare]

90 days is good going - the siren analogy is good. I have to say, man, anger has helped me - hatred for the person. I mean, I can't help them anymore, they did something unforgivable, I can't relate to them, I have nothing to say - I don't think of the good times, I must admit. I have never been nostalgic for them since they were in the context of that relationship, that's it, it's over etc ... .different people operate in different ways, but the end goal is always the same  - recovery. C'est la vie etc

[bewildered2]

try reprogramming yourself by writing a list of bad things that happened, which you then read whenever you get the blues and remember the good stuff.

if you do this regularly, it will help a lot.

b2

[hopealways]

I keep a list of bad things in my iphone and realize how much I suppressed each time I look at that list and am reminded of them.

At some point you will reach a state of peace with yourself where you may remember all the great times, smile and move on to another memory.

Time does heal everything.  Focus on your core trauma - that is what allowed you to remain with her. And make sure you do not make the same mistake again. Everything else will fall into place.

[frustrated b/f]

Great points. The last time we broke up for an extended period of time I kept a list of those negative attributes on my white board in plain site. I thought about doing it again this time, but after staving off depression (r/s induced), I didn't want to attract any negativity by focusing on the negative.

I'm doing better now, i think I will make the list of things I do NOT want.

*side note

my ex uBPD g/f, and I remained FB friends, I went back n forth about deleting the FB friendship, but chose to take the high ground and not do so. This morning she liked a picture that was tucked waaay down on my timeline of me and another women from the previous breakup. Clearly she was digging through my profile to see it. I deleted the FB  friendship today.

[Turkish]

Like clockwork, i start to reminisce the high points of our relationship and tend to forget about the traumatic experiences I encountered. I know I need to move one, but my mind seems to keep playing tricks on me. Its seems so alluring and so easy to just go back. Its' like the Greek mythology of the Sirens song that allured sailors by the sound of her voice only to crash their ships on the rocks.

How do you cope with following your brain, instead of your heart?

I can't answer the last question, but a BPD relationship is more like the myth of Sisyphus, eternally rolling that stone up the hill, only to have it roll back down to the bottom. Again and again. Forever.

Or being chained to a rock and having our livers (or hearts) torn out of our living flesh every day by a vulture, only to have it heal overnight, and then the process repeated the next day. Again and again. Forever. Thus was the fate of Prometheus after giving humankind the gift of fire. We give them the gift of our hearts, and then we chain ourselves to the rock to suffer this cruel fate. Time to break the chains. Only we have the power to do so.

[laelle]

It is perfectly ok to reflect on the good times, but refuse to live in a past of fantasy land.

That is not the way it was, or you would not be here.

Sitting through those moments crying my heart out were some of the most helpful moments in my healing.  I hurt so bad , my heart was torn out of my chest.

I felt at times that I could not survive... . 

Pfft...  He was a huge energy drain and took every moment of my time calming his nerves and filling his every need just so I could gather the crumbs of kindness and attention that he was "kind" enough to leave on the floor for me sometimes.  That is not love!

When I look back now at those AWESOME times with my ex, I can honestly say that they were not so awesome.  There was always an insult or barb snuck into the conversation.  Always a tiny little tidbit of displeasure at my very existence.  Always a need for him to see me in pain.  I never did ANYTHING right.

Yes, I know he has an illness and I know why he did it, but I personally could not have total acceptance for someone who plotted against me, looked for future relationships,

lied and pressured me to the point of breaking.

What was so awesome about that?  

If your relationship was anything like mine, I (unspokenly) agreed to take a bunch of hurtful  from him in return for him pretending to have the same dream as I did. I chopped off his bad stuff because I did not want my dream to die.  I did not want to know that it wasnt real.

He had his needs met, and I had mine.  We were both content with the agreement until I wanted the dream to become reality and he did not have a freaking clue about what reality was.  He had no clue about intimacy or love.  He only wanted me to keep feeding those needs and give up all of myself, my family, friends to do it.

Nope, the memories were not so good, but it took putting them out there and then breaking them down one by one to finally be at peace with them.

Keep on moving forward, you are doing great!  

 Laelle

[frustrated b/f]

That is not the way it was, or you would not be here.

I so needed to hear this! 

[laelle]

My pleasure...  

It is very easy to push the bad moments to the side and idealize the good moments.  We are experts at this you know. 

The bad moments were so bad that you had to come here and regroup, come here to cry and scream, come here to grieve.  Do not push those aside!

You matter and your needs matter...

[Turkish]

My pleasure...  

It is very easy to push the bad moments to the side and idealize the good moments.  We are experts at this you know. 

The bad moments were so bad that you had to come here and regroup, come here to cry and scream, come here to grieve.  Do not push those aside!

You matter and your needs matter...

I just remember the 3 or 4 really bad incidents to keep me grounded (of course, there were dozens of "little" ones), even though she was back to nice last night and we had a constructive conversation about our kids. The sweet person, the loving one... .is just one of many tenuously linked identities they have, floating around a swirling mass of pain, surrounding the black hole of emptiness at their core. I saw it all. No one ever will again.

[houseofswans]

I keep a list of bad things in my iphone

I keep a list in my head

[toomanytears]

I keep a list of bad things in my iphone and realize how much I suppressed each time I look at that list and am reminded of them.

Me too. It's called Red Flags. I do read it as soon as I feel myself slip - like I am today. But it's amazing how even then I can feel my eyes just skim over the words, not wanting to take them in.

Reading posts like the ones on this string are also a good reminder. They help to keep me grounded.Thanks for the post frustrated b/f. It's helped me take off the rosy tinted specs - even if only for a moment. And at least I haven't texted him this evening... .

[frustrated b/f]

I have been mentally reminding myself of why I left each time I find myself missing the best parts.

Honestly though, it still sucks. Half of me chastises myself for getting involved with someone to whom I knew was to good to be true, and the other half feels sorry for her and frustrated at this stupid seemingly invisible disorder that only I seem to be able to see!

[alliance]

Anytime I find myself thinking of the "good times" (whatever those are), I know know to pull back cuz it is just "stinkin thinking" aka delusions of a fantasy gone bad.

It is easier as time goes on to refocus my thinking, immediately, to the reality of what was. I picked the one most hurtful thing she did to me and that is my fallback reality self smack upside the head.

Trick I found was to nip it in the bud. The more you entertain the fantasy the harder it is to stop it from consuming you.

[bewildered2]

funny thing is that as time goes by and your head becomes clearer that you will see it differently... .and that there were way fewer good times and many more bad times than as you currently recall.

b2

[alliance]

funny thing is that as time goes by and your head becomes clearer that you will see it differently... .and that there were way fewer good times and many more bad times than as you currently recall.

b2

Exactly  . The last time I talked to my ex, she said when she thought of me, she wanted to focus on the good times. I cannot tell you how hard it was to not respond with... .well darling, you have more of those to remember than I do.