Why do I feel this way ><

[Depression = 72% of members]

I was doing well for a few weeks and even felt like I was moving forward. I just got a new apartment, in a new city very close to mine and am hoping to reboot. However, the closer I get to the move-in date, the more I want my uBPDexgf back. I know it's not possible anymore, but I wish, if nothing else, we could talk and discuss what went wrong. The problem is we did that so many times and it was like talking to a wall, she was unwilling, or unable, to face what it was that destroyed our relationship time and time again. Additionally, she rubbed my face in her new relationship on social media a week after we broke up and not only I, but my family saw all of these posts and therefore there was an element of public humiliation involved. I could never take her back without sacrificing my self-respect and my family would likely be against that decision. It seems like a moot point because she would never contact me again after I told her not to contact me and she has a fear of how she appears to the rest of my family. The first time we recycled she was afraid of coming to my house because of the way the first go around ended; although I told my family knew what happened they were very support ive of me and respected her the second time around when it got more serious. There was a problem though, she was afraid of my sister or at least afraid of what would happen in a confrontation with my sister because my sister is very protective of me and will open her mouth if the situation requires. Now, she has humiliated me in public, my sister knows and that means she will likely never contact me again out of pure shame. Thinking about this hurts and I wish she would contact me again so that I am able to make a decision, on my own, about what to do. I know I'm rambling but my mind is going crazy today. I don't want her back, but I really really do.   

[DownandOut]

I was doing well for a few weeks and even felt like I was moving forward. I just got a new apartment, in a new city very close to mine and am hoping to reboot. However, the closer I get to the move-in date, the more I want my uBPDexgf back. I know it's not possible anymore, but I wish, if nothing else, we could talk and discuss what went wrong. The problem is we did that so many times and it was like talking to a wall, she was unwilling, or unable, to face what it was that destroyed our relationship time and time again. Additionally, she rubbed my face in her new relationship on social media a week after we broke up and not only I, but my family saw all of these posts and therefore there was an element of public humiliation involved. I could never take her back without sacrificing my self-respect and my family would likely be against that decision. It seems like a moot point because she would never contact me again after I told her not to contact me and she has a fear of how she appears to the rest of my family. The first time we recycled she was afraid of coming to my house because of the way the first go around ended; although I told my family knew what happened they were very support ive of me and respected her the second time around when it got more serious. There was a problem though, she was afraid of my sister or at least afraid of what would happen in a confrontation with my sister because my sister is very protective of me and will open her mouth if the situation requires. Now, she has humiliated me in public, my sister knows and that means she will likely never contact me again out of pure shame. Thinking about this hurts and I wish she would contact me again so that I am able to make a decision, on my own, about what to do. I know I'm rambling but my mind is going crazy today. I don't want her back, but I really really do.   

[Jbt857]

Hi Downandout,

Sorry you're going through a rough time.

But you've made a decision already! You have a new place lined up and an opportunity to make a new start. It's just you are feeling scared about that, I'll bet.

Going back is not possible. Well, it is, but you know what will happen. And you know that going back would mean taking back all those bad bits, not just the good bits. And with all the humiliation you've been through - which you'd also have to resolve - is dealing with all that really what you want?

You're taking a positive step into a new stage of your life, and that's scary, and when we feel scared, we want the familiar around us to make it better.

Stay strong with the NC. These feelings will pass. And move forward with your life. If you and her are really meant to be together, moving won't be a deal breaker. It's normal to miss someone who was a big part of our life. But think of the whole picture that getting back with her would really entail. You didn't get closure before, and talking more won't give you any now.

Look forward to that new apartment and the whole possibilities that change can open up for you. Be strong.

[DownandOut]

Thank you. You're right, the future will certainly be positive. I guess the fear of moving forward makes it all real for me that I will never again see this person that I loved to death ever again in my life. That hurts.

[Jbt857]

It's painful. I've not seen or heard from my ex since he got with my replacement. I spent almost a decade of my life with him.

Most likely from what he's said previously, he will eventually return to his home country. So I really won't see him again, but actually now, that's my preferred option. Seeing him only hurts me and sets me back in my recovery.

It's hard to come to terms with someone we shared so much with becomes a stranger to us. But in another way, it's a lot less painful than dealing with all the crap they threw at us during our relationships.

Stay strong. Tomorrow's another day.