I am so overwhelmed that at times

[kitkat12]

I am signing up to find support and guidance as I travel this very scary road. this disorder is so complicated... .I am on my 7 book! therapist and doctors are half the problem. It is hard to talk with friends and loved ones about this and to try to explain what we are going through with our daughter. No one gets it. I am so overwhelmed that at times I just want to curl up and sleep... .now I sound like my daughter. Yikes! HELP PLEASE

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi kitkat!

  I'm so glad you posted here.  Yes, this disorder is extremely complicated and scary and overwhelming and more!  My dd16 has been diagnosed for just over a year now and we are really starting to get a handle on things.  Still she has some tough days.

How old is your dd(dear daughter)?  Has she been diagnosed with BPD?  Is she seeking therapy?  What symptoms are you seeing that bother you most?  I'm looking forward to getting to know you better.

-crazed

[peaceplease]

kitkat12,

 I would like to join crazedncrazymom in welcoming you here.

You will find much support here.  And, many of us parents can relate to the difficulty in talking to family/friends. 


How do others in your family react with your daughter?

I look forward to seeing your future posts. 

peaceplease

[pessim-optimist]

I have read so many books on the subject of BPD and they always paint such a scary picture... .hopeless. This diagnosis has completely turned our family inside out. We have tried to get help but either doctors are not taking new patients or they are not taking BPD patients. Our daughter has been prescribed so many drugs which thus far have done nothing except to provide the tool for her suicide attempts.No matter how much I read I still can't figure out what to say or do that doesn't set her off. I still have hope and faith that God will help us through this time. If I lose those two things... .well I'll be cooked. Thanks again for listening.

Hi again, kitkat,

I agree. When we first started reading about BPD, it DID sound really depressing and scary. This site has helped me become more optimistic - there are communication techniques that help and they do get easier to use with time... .

I am really sorry the doctors haven't been too helpful so far... .Sometimes it takes a while before you find a good fit. At the end of the day, hope and faith is what gets us through.

What situations are you most concerned about - what tends to set your daughter off the most?

[kitkat12]

Currently our daughter is not in therapy or doing DBT. She is also not on any drugs which frankly I am glad about. My primary concerns are the people she hangs with and the situations she puts herself in. Pregnancy is a constant fear of ours. She is without a job and can not drive due to numerous accidents. She is living with a family that has taken her in because she violated my boundaries. It is as if I need someone by my side at all times to tell me what to say and how to react to everything she does. I am not a doctor but I am by no means stupid either however you really need a degree in psych to handle the countless facets of this disorder. To be honest I am so tired of thinking and talking about BPD. This disorder has swallowed me up... .nothing happy left in me. The constant threat of suicide (3 attempts in 1 year) grips me whenever I have a conversation with her. The doctors we have come in contact with are either unfamiliar with BPD or they are not taking new patients. The mental health community isn't broken but rather it does not exist at all. It is a series of very expensive band-aids which we as caretakers must muddle together. I am so tired... .depressed. Sick,sick,sick of this.

[Nrsertcht]

Hello,

I can soo identify with what you're feeling!

My DD is about 1.5 years since diagnosis and it feels like a FT job, supporting her, the appointments, meds, and so on.

Keep reading, you'll learn lots and the support is invaluable. I understand when I hear that others "don't get it" because on the surface, these kids can look well!

Continued success with all the work to be done!

[bluebell7]

Hello kitkat12, 

Oh boy, it can be so frustrating and discouraging.  I think we've all felt isolated and misunderstood, so you'll find a lot of support here!  I hope you can hang in there, but I know it's very hard.  Does your county have a mental health association of some kind?  Maybe there's a way to get connected to a support group?  I found information and support in surprising places... took some classes, went to lectures... .looked everywhere I could, building ways to cope, taking baby steps along the way... .

One thing I can say is that reading or learning about mental health issues was the start for me but putting the information to use, well that took time and all sorts of different experiences.  It's been a process for me and my daughters. 

Even though it's hard for others to understand, I'm always surprised when I open up to someone about what's going on with my family and they say that they have had similar problems... . 

Hang in there,

[modafinilguy]

Oh dear, no body told you it was contagious? nah

Don't over BPDidify ( new word) your daughter, rumor has it your daughter is also 50% human

Love, tolerance, Support, follow these, and you will surely prevail! Believe in your daughter, she needs that more than anything else. If she see's in your eyes that she is just a bunch of BPD symptoms, it is not healthy!

[kitkat12]

What I don't understand is how in the world is one supposed to be patient all the time with the BPD person. The splitting, black and white thinking,immoral behavior,crossing boundaries,job loses,fractured relationships etc etc etc... .I have read and reread countless books... .Stop walking on eggshells,Loud in the House of Me,The Buddah and the Borderline, BPD for Dummies , the Family Handbook on Mental Illness etc... .and still I can not get a grasp on this. You would have to be superhuman to "do" this right. It's not possible. Two stints in residential treatment , three courses of DBT, countless drugs (grrrr) ,countless therapists (some are dangerously inept),sober living facility for 6 weeks... .as we could no longer afford the 24k a month charged at residential treatment (this is immoral) and it goes on and on with absolutely zero change. I am terrified. I have worked so hard to raise my daughters and I thought that "my" time was just around the corner when BAM this diagnosis was made. I often cry when I think of all her friends who are attending college and having fun and working towards goals. I also cry when I think of their parents who are enjoying their freedom and watching their children grow. Then I have the added bonus of feeling guilty about my feelings... .guilt my constant companion. I thought I did such a good job raising my girls so this is so jolting. One minute she says she loves me and the next she will not speak to me and when I ask what is wrong she blows up. I will say it again IT IS NOT POSSIBLE TO DO THIS WITHOUT LOSING YOUR OWN MIND. I have tried to explain her disorder to family and friends but they just don't get it and I get that! I go nuts when people say that I have to take care of myself... .really. I think of this all day long and then,to make things really hitty, I think of it in my sleep if you could call it sleep. I guess this is our cross to bear on this earth. By the way, we love our daughter whom we adopted at 8 days old. From the first glance at her she was ours period. I have told her many times that before we were dust God knew she was our daughter and "we" were meant to be. But I am not adopted and do not know what it is like to feel abandoned by someone who gave birth to me. I feel like there is a dark cloud over this house and our lives. I ask God "why" but I don't think we are to question that as it is futile to do so. What is so heartbreaking is that she is a beautiful human being who loves deeply. There are times when I get a glimpse of that beautiful girl and I just want to freeze that moment so we can love each other. This is so painful.

[MammaMia]

kitkat

My dear Lord... .my heart breaks for what you are going through with your dBPDd.

You have tried so desperately to help her and YOU have not failed... .she has. From what you have said, I believe she is an adult, is that correct?  If so, it makes everything so much more complicated.

The long and short of it is that your dd has not hit bottom... .yet.  :)espite all she has been through, including suicide attempts, she has not reached a point where she is willing to accept help and follow through.  Such a hard place for a parent to be.

What are you doing to help yourself?  It is clear that you feel responsible for her actions.  YOU need love and support.  Are you seeing a therapist?  If not, please consider doing so.  If you are fighting this battle alone, it will make you sick.  Family and friends just see your dd as a "bad kid" but you know better.  She is a very sick kid.  Let the frustration of their not getting what is going on go.  It is not worth the pain it is causing you.  

Seek guidance from someone who can help you deal with all of this.  You MUST take care of yourself.  You cannot control your dd BUT you can control your reactions to her disorder.  Unfortunately, we cannot fix BPD.  It is a cruel, complex, frustrating disorder.  We need to establish boundaries to keep the pain away, regardless of how it affects your dd.  

Do not allow this tragic illness to suck the life blood from you.  Find a peaceful place in your soul and go there when things get tough.  :)o not obsess about what you cannot control.  Find a safe place where she cannot reach you.

I know the above is easier said than done, but you must try. You cannot let fear run your life.

We are here for you and welcome you with open arms.  So many of us know EXACTLY what you are going through.  It is time for you to take control of your life.  We can help.  Please let us do so.

[kitkat12]

Thank you MammaMia for your kind words. Our daughter is 21 so yes that makes things really complicated and rough. We can not be told anything which is really wild when you consider that she could be telling her therapist that she is thinking of killing herself! I have seen a few therapist (I thought they all knew about BPD... .NO they do not) but with little positive results. I told my last therapist that my daughter had been taken to the hospital after trying(for the third time ) to commit suicide and she was very shaken by this and told me that except to just listen she could not offer advise for fear that were I to take it and something bad were to happen (suicide) she would feel responsible. This is were the word "hopeless " comes in.  :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MammaMia]

kitkat

I am sorry... .I believe your therapist was wrong in what she did to you.  You came seeking comfort and help, and she basically kicked you to the curb.

Are you familiar with NAMI (the National Alliance for Mental Illness)?  If you have a chapter locally, you should contact them.  They may be able to help find the support you really need.  They have a BPD program, but sadly it is not offered in many locations across the country.  Check to see if is available in your area.   NAMI is an outstanding and compassionate organization.  I know you will like them.

You do not mention your husband, unless I missed something.  Is he involved in your dd's life?  Is he supportive? 

I know you feel life is "hopeless" right now.  You sound depressed and very anxious.  Is anyone helping you with this?  I am on anti-depressants which also control anxiety and things like panic attacks.  It is a godsend  I have a strong family history of depression, and my life up until my medication was totally out of control and a disaster.  Something to think about.

Where there is life... .there is hope.  Please do not forget that.  You sound like a very strong person who has fought diligently to save your dd.  Now it is time to save yourself.  Becoming healthier will benefit not only you but your dd as well.

Think about your options, because you DO have options.  Many people are  willing and able to help you ... .all you need to do is ask.

Please keep posting.  I need to know you are ok.

[marilynmarilyn]

kitkat, Hi.  OhMyGosh!  You sound so much like the way I feel, every moment of every day.  My dd31, is a constant source of the greatest pain imaginable.

We had a rare telephone conversation this morning?  She was angrily reacting to my request for financial information.  At one point, I mistakenly said "I remember you. I remember us.  I remember the unmitigated joy we experienced together, as your mother and my child bonded from the moment we looked into each other's eyes."  Sounds gooshy, doesn't it?  In fact, it was.  

She responded vehemently that was not reality and today is.  I continued to say, quietly " hmm, ahh", etc.  (Thank you, bpdfamily). When we finally hung up, at least she was a tad quieter and somewhat slower.

Thank you, kitkat, for so honestly expressing your exhaustion and frustration with the constant unpredictability and chaos we experience as parents of  (adult) children with BPD.

Secondly, and even more important, thank you MammaMia for your compassionate, loving words of comfort to kitkat.  Your soulful voice jumped right off the screen and into our hearts.  To such genuine outreach, I am completely unaccustomed. As you can see by my "handle"' I am new to this board and website. Perhaps this is more normative than unique.  I look forward to being surprised

May we all take care,

marilynmarilyn

[pessim-optimist]

Dear kitkat (and also Nrsertcht and marilynmarilyn)

I sometimes have to remind myself and my husband that being parents to our adult BPD daughter (my step-daughter) often makes us feel so worried and responsible, that we can loose sight of the fact that:

1. In order to be able to help her, sometimes we need to step away a bit, and let the chips fall where they may. So that we can take care of ourselves and be strong and healthy.

When we are tired, stressed, worried, depressed and overwhelmed, how effective can we really be? We may become edgy, our thinking may not be clear, and out patience and energy may be stretched thin... .We may be adding to the problem.

2. Also, we sometimes did not remember, that we are not obligated to take abuse from her. When we worry about her well-being, it is easy to forget our needs (that's what we've been good at as nurturing parents, right?).

Our lives were "enmeshed" with her - a term describing an unhealthy closeness without proper boundaries.

That disentangling and gaining a bit of space and perspective, being able to breathe a bit, then allowed us to be able to rediscover compassion (versus resentment) towards our daughter.

We discovered that it is not only our right but also responsibility to keep ourselves safe, strong and healthy first, so that we can then start to be effective in helping our daughter.

[bluebell7]

Kitkat12-  You're right, it's not possible to be patient all of the time.  But it helps a lot to have our own boundaries and limits.  And a few strategies.  Validating my daughter's feelings and being positive with the things I like about her- that lowered her outbursts quite a bit. 

Two things my therapist said- that help me understand. 

1.  When my daughter is acting very defensively- validation or SET may work, but little else will do any good.

2.  I can decide what to say or do -depending on which version of my daughter is there.  Her thoughts and actions are very different depending her mood.  I try to be sensitive to that, but I'm not always in tune and sometimes I just want to be myself... .that can turn out OK... .or not OK.  But I hold on to what I've learned and the support I've been given and talk myself out of blaming myself (or her).  These are symptoms of the illness.

Pessim-optomist... .I like the way you said that.  Could be the "Golden Rule" for relationships.

I struggle with the verbally abusive conversations.  Simple things that turn into ugliness, but nothing really changes.  Going around in circles, but only feeling more hurt for trying to work things out.  And her using my words (wrongly) in a way that justifies her unreasonable actions.

Yesterday my daughter was clear minded and I asked her ... ."what are you fighting for" and what would it be like to win... .what would that look like?".  She asked if she eeded to answer right away.  I just wanted her to think about it and was glad that she didn't have a reactive answer - that would have been full of excuses/blaming- not a real answer.  In our relationship, the abuse occurs when I hold her responsible for being defiant and irresponsible in the house- we live together and this is very difficult.

I feel lucky that I was

able to ask the question.  Told her that the only thing I want is for her to be responsible, self sufficient - that's the only thing on my mind when she's arguing with me.  We're working with therapists, and I am looking forward to hearing my daughter's answer... .  but I don't know if she knows what she wants.  I would like to direct her towards how to get whatever that is... .in a healthy way.  It will be difficult for me to have the strength to insist that she find other living arrangements... .  but that may be necessary in the end.

So thanks again for the Golden Rule!  It makes such a difference when we take care of ourselves.

[mggt]

Hi, Kitkat,  We too adopted our dd at age 5 days old we were over the moon  to have her. She was diagnosed years ago with BPD sometimes I feel this disease  is a death sentence for her no friends cant keep them countless relationships with guys never work out because she is so very hard to deal with now she has a baby and we are thrilled with out gd our d and babys father broke up (no surprise) She was in a rtc for a year really did not help but kept her safe she sees therapist off and on and has been on countless meds but nothing seems to work  She does not think she has a problem she thinks it is everyone else as most BPD do.  We love her deeply but I know how you feel it so exhausting to deal with her minute to minute with her so crazy this disease is .  She is 21 now and has a job and has good moments and bad moments we babysit three days a week so she can work and we love our gd .  I try and concentrate on good moments and try very hard not to dwell on the bad it is very tough though .  Keep coming back here it has helped me deal a little better with her take care   mggt

[pessim-optimist]

Two things my therapist said- that help me understand. 

1.  When my daughter is acting very defensively- validation or SET may work, but little else will do any good.

2.  I can decide what to say or do -depending on which version of my daughter is there.  Her thoughts and actions are very different depending her mood.  I try to be sensitive to that, but I'm not always in tune and sometimes I just want to be myself... .that can turn out OK... .or not OK.  But I hold on to what I've learned and the support I've been given and talk myself out of blaming myself (or her).  These are symptoms of the illness.

Hm, that's a good thing to remember, I'm going to write that down in my glossary of strategies.

I struggle with the verbally abusive conversations.  Simple things that turn into ugliness, but nothing really changes.  Going around in circles, but only feeling more hurt for trying to work things out.  And her using my words (wrongly) in a way that justifies her unreasonable actions.

Most books on BPD will say that tolerating abuse is not good, and that we need to end the conversation, if it's turning abusive.

But it was not until later that I found out a couple of great resources here on the site, when lbjnltx pointed out that we can also help our children by modeling healthy behavior to them by telling them we are 'taking a timeout'.

Here are the links if anyone's interested:

COMMUNICATION: How to stop circular arguments

TOOLS: how to take a time out