Crying For Attention, And I Am Thinking Stupidly Again

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Before it blew up on me, she wanted me to tell her not to go out, to stay home with me... .even though she asked to go out... .I always stayed home with the kids.

The other day, she asked to go out to a party after we do Halloween stuff with the kids. yes, she asked my permission. Last week, she tried to get me to sit down with her and watch movies and such. I refused. Don't want to spend time with her. Based on stuff she wrote that I found, I know she is aware of my pain. And I know she is tempted to "go back into my arms", but isn;'t sure if it is because she loves me, or due to need and fear of what is to come (here, the high functioning self-awareness... .I think that is a correct awareness of the situation). I am sorely tempted to tell her "no" asking her to stay home with the kids and me. And instead of retreating to be by myself, we can sit down and watch a movie or something. I don't know... .at this point, what difference does it make?

I think I am torturing myself... .with winter and darkness coming on, and considering this very stressful situation, I know she will likely lapse into a depressive episode. Whether she is still in my home or not, I will still have to likely be the emotional caretaker, due to our kids. If not for them, I would say "good luck with that!" and establish firm NC.

I kind of don't know what I am doing, or even what I want. I just know what I would do if the roles were reversed. But then again, though I did several things wrong even in the context of a normal relationship, I wouldn't have devalued and betrayed her in the way that she did to me. That isn't me.

[Turkish]

Before it blew up on me, she wanted me to tell her not to go out, to stay home with me... .even though she asked to go out... .I always stayed home with the kids.

The other day, she asked to go out to a party after we do Halloween stuff with the kids. yes, she asked my permission. Last week, she tried to get me to sit down with her and watch movies and such. I refused. Don't want to spend time with her. Based on stuff she wrote that I found, I know she is aware of my pain. And I know she is tempted to "go back into my arms", but isn;'t sure if it is because she loves me, or due to need and fear of what is to come (here, the high functioning self-awareness... .I think that is a correct awareness of the situation). I am sorely tempted to tell her "no" asking her to stay home with the kids and me. And instead of retreating to be by myself, we can sit down and watch a movie or something. I don't know... .at this point, what difference does it make?

I think I am torturing myself... .with winter and darkness coming on, and considering this very stressful situation, I know she will likely lapse into a depressive episode. Whether she is still in my home or not, I will still have to likely be the emotional caretaker, due to our kids. If not for them, I would say "good luck with that!" and establish firm NC.

I kind of don't know what I am doing, or even what I want. I just know what I would do if the roles were reversed. But then again, though I did several things wrong even in the context of a normal relationship, I wouldn't have devalued and betrayed her in the way that she did to me. That isn't me.

[Lady31]

Turkish,

I know that temptation oh so well.  My exh wanted a divorce so many times I can't remember.  Was threatening divorce within months of getting married.  A few times, it was very serious... .to the point we were sleeping in different parts of the house, discussing the dissolution of our marriage and how to make it happen.

Thing was - he was "stuck" for several months as we had a business together amongst other things so it was never an easy thing (he also needed me there to help with his daughter - who turned 18 when the divorce finally "stuck" and he didn't need me anymore).

We still operated like a married couple during those times dealing with his daughter, the business, what's for dinner, etc.  So, slowly we would have those moments off and on where we would watch a show together, or actually sit and eat dinner together, etc.  He would always come back around dropping the divorce.  I think if it was a situation where he could have just ended it right then and moved out without a lot of things to work out, he would have left me a long time ago. 

Anyway - I always "tried again" and without fail - within months - he was wanting a divorce again or at the very least spending all his free time out in his man cave away from us and being short and rude with me and THEN after a short period of time saying he wanted the divorce.

If you want to try again, try again.  I suspect that if you start spending time with her she will get her reassurance and validation - and then she will eventually push you away yet again, until she needs you again - until you have had enough.

I don't know what the situation is as to why she is still living in the house and how long you all had planned on that going on.  If you are financially carrying her, I would suspect she will drag that out as long as possible until she finds someone else to move in with.