Hurting really bad tonight

[Depression = 72% of members]

It's been a week NC- almost a month and a half post breakup, and tonight is the hardest night yet. I can't stop crying. The anger is finally coming.

Well that was weird-mid post, he texted me... .a photo, that he knows would melt my heart... .of him and his dad... .

Oddly the urge to text him is gone now, and I've stopped crying... .For the time being... .

I can't figure out if I hate him or love him anymore  

[Aw511]

It's been a week NC- almost a month and a half post breakup, and tonight is the hardest night yet. I can't stop crying. The anger is finally coming.

Well that was weird-mid post, he texted me... .a photo, that he knows would melt my heart... .of him and his dad... .

Oddly the urge to text him is gone now, and I've stopped crying... .For the time being... .

I can't figure out if I hate him or love him anymore  

[Emelie Emelie]

I'm sorry Aw.  I've been there.  I think your urge to text him has subsided because he texted you.  We're like addicts sometimes.  You got your fix. 

And I love him and hate him. 

This is hard stuff.  Take care of yourself.

[Aw511]

Thank you emelie... .I am staying strong and not responding, as much as it hurts.  He probably sent the same pic to all the girlss in his phone, seeing which one takes the bait... .I need to keep reminding myself of that.  

It is so true it's like an addiction. I wish there were meetings in church basements for BPD breakups!

[winston72]

Indeed it is both love and hate; and both intensely.  I am so sorry you are hurting badly.  

For myself, the path forward was truly feeling the hurt and the emotions that followed, including anger.  I was afraid or I resisted my anger because I feared…well, the because is really complicated and I just avoided my anger!  What I have discovered is that allowing myself to feel all of what I am truly feeling, including my anger and regardless of what seem like contradictions such as affection and anger, has been the way forward.

But, my heart goes out to you tonight in your hurt…and in your relief at his text.  I would have the same reaction…and I think for myself that Emelie is correct.

[winston72]

Just read your latest post…BPD Lovers Anonymous!  I love it!  Actually, I think that church basement is this web site!

Glad you can laugh about it.

[Aw511]

Thank you, Winston... .Your kind words are so appreciated. And you are right, this site has been a saving grace for me. I am so grateful that there are people to help me make sense of this all... .Knowledge can only bring you so far. The true healing comes from hearing others share their pain and hope for the future.

[fiddlestix]

I hope you feel better soon, Aw.  You deserve relief from the anguish and lack of clarity you have suffered.  I have not heard from my ex in a long time time.  Part of me wants that "fix."  But I know that it would only give me a small boost of "validation kool-aid." 

Trust that these bad feelings come in waves.  You will have better days, then not so great days.  But it will eventually even out, the longer you are out of the toxin. 

Stay with us here,

Fiddle

[laelle]

Aw511,

My heart is truly breaking for you.    I understand how much pain you must be in.  You have had quite a blow to the head with his going straight to a dating website.

You would think that he could respect the relationship that you had for at least a little while.  My ex didnt even bother to say goodbye.  When I said I couldnt take it anymore, he erased me without a word.  He was tweeting promiscuous things to a girl he had met online within a few days of our breaking up.  

Your ex going straight to dating shows you what type of a person he is.

It is not possible to love someone and get over them in a few days time.  He did not love you the way you loved him, and now he NEEDS someone else to calm his pain.

People with BPD can not soothe their own emotions and must do it through other people. They have to have someone to cast their pain on to, or they will emotionally bleed to death.

My ex use to post songs on his facebook when he was trying to lure me back, the problem is, I saw on another website that he had linked that very song, that very night to someone else... .He was fishing and hoping to reel one in.  Maybe he wold prefer one to the other, but either will do in a pinch.

The sentimental picture is your ex going fishing  He is trying to invoke your honest and loving feelings for him.  Your honest and loving feelings are PRECIOUS and there can be no value assigned to him.  No price can be paid to obtain them.  So he wants you to sell them for a picture?  Pfft.  You are worth more than that.

It is his loss hun... .YOU must love yourself enough to keep his crap out of your life.  Keep going strong and moving on.  

You can do this!

[Aw511]

Thank you laelle I certainly need the encouragement. He ended up calling at 3AM drunk, telling me he missed me, and threatening if i "keep ignoring him" (he has sent two picture messages since we went NC 8 days ago, that's it) then he will have to delete my number and that will be that because what i am doing is unfair. then asked me to "work with him on this."

work with him? oh my goodness, i tried... .like a pathetic idiot, i tried so hard to love him and understand him... .and he repaid me by lying and cheating.

i'm not going to sit around and be his friend while he goes out and sleeps with other people. his silly manipulative tricks aren't going to work on me... .not this time.

[DownandOut]

I'm sorry Aw.  I've been there. I think your urge to text him has subsided because he texted you.  We're like addicts sometimes.  You got your fix. 

And I love him and hate him. 

This is hard stuff.  Take care of yourself.

I find that so interesting because I really believe it's true. I've been feeling really bad after about 65 days of NC and just the other day I posted a picture on social media of me in my Halloween costume before a party (a costume my uBPD exgf would have loved it, that might be a problem in and of itself) and her sister liked the picture. I always loved her family and for some reason the anxiety I had been feeling for the past few weeks briefly subsided when I saw her "like." Even though it wasn't my ex I still felt like I got a hit or something. Very deep and strange stuff.