What keeps me in NC? How about you?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Knowing that she will derive one more ounce of pleasure from my pain ... .and pain will surely result from ANY contact.

Realizing that her truth is based on her feelings which change faster than the wind and generally involve serious LIES.

Discovering I am worthy of my own love and care.   

Understanding that I am not on this planet simply to be subservient to the next BPD person that enters my life.

Discovering that I am OK on my own.   That I am better off being alone than being abused and lonely with someone who abuses in the name of being a victim themselves.

Knowing that I love her and the best way to truly love her is to LET HER GO... .completely.

Honoring my ability to SURVIVE and THRIVE.  Providing myself the love and nurturing necessary to NOT become a victim again. .

Sending positive energy and good thoughts to all who are suffering and in the healing process.

How about you?  If you are NC or LC, what keeps you there?

[Learning2Thrive]

Knowing that she will derive one more ounce of pleasure from my pain ... .and pain will surely result from ANY contact.

Realizing that her truth is based on her feelings which change faster than the wind and generally involve serious LIES.

Discovering I am worthy of my own love and care.   

Understanding that I am not on this planet simply to be subservient to the next BPD person that enters my life.

Discovering that I am OK on my own.   That I am better off being alone than being abused and lonely with someone who abuses in the name of being a victim themselves.

Knowing that I love her and the best way to truly love her is to LET HER GO... .completely.

Honoring my ability to SURVIVE and THRIVE.  Providing myself the love and nurturing necessary to NOT become a victim again. .

Sending positive energy and good thoughts to all who are suffering and in the healing process.

How about you?  If you are NC or LC, what keeps you there?

[Lady31]

What keeps me no contact?

 

- I deserve better and am too good for who he chooses to be.

- I realized that I am not missing much at all, he didn't meet any of MY needs.

- I'm not any lonelier now than I was when I was with him - and I have a lot less stress and there is no more abuse.

Truly looking at what was desirable in the relationship - I found nothing (other than very minor things).  I merely was hurt that he didn't love me and I felt rejected.  (And the major struggle with getting a divorce with my beliefs.)  Beyond that, the relationship itself was no where near all that.

[laelle]

That I was quickly erased and replaced with something... Maybe not even another woman.  A plant perhaps.    I am as important as a plant.  It is a damn good thing that plants thrive on carbon dioxide, because he has alot of it.

That he used me for an emotional doormat rather than to get the help he needed.  Sucking the life out of me for his own survival.  

Have you ever seen the "Little Mermaid"?

When the big, bad Octopus lady shrivels up all of the merfolk who entrusted her to bring them happiness.  Instead she tricked them by adding a "clause" to the agreement that was too big of a price for anyone to pay.

After our relationship ended, I felt like one of those shriveled up merfolk... .I was empty to the core.  I will NEVER let ANY big bad octopus try and convince me that they can give me happiness if I just follow their rules.  SCREW their rules... . I am FREE!  I will provide for my own happiness...

[Accepting]

... .that, for as beautiful as the good moments were, the pain that I pay as a price for those moments scares me enough to stay away.

That all the effort I put in to bettering my life (new career, studying, focus on my health, focus on a positive attitude n outlook) is swept away each and every recycle and I'm tired of returning to a place (emotionally) that doesn't do me (my health, my peace of mind) any favours.

Something about repeating the same thing over whilst expecting a different outcome being the definition of crazy.

... .

But... .believe me... .I'm not so tough. I still miss him and I love him and I cry at times. I am feeling some freedom and strength in my resolve of no contact though. I'm feeling some respect for my self. Some peace.

I wish this upon us all here.

 

[fromheeltoheal]

I initially disappeared because she really, REALLY pissed me off, it was easy.  But after a while my heart missed her a great deal, but my head never wavered; leaving her was absolutely the right thing to do.  It was very difficult, but making the decision to leave was easy.

[maxen]

i'm 4+ weeks into NC now. she wrote last, so there is the satisfaction of holding serve, so to speak, and the last thing she said was arrogant but not too arrogant (unlike the psychotically vicious stuff she said since she dropped the bomb) so better to let it lie, especially as we approach the divorce proceedings.

but the real reason is that the mountain i would have to climb to have any sort of satisfactory exchange with her is just too high. i'm coming maybe to the point that i accept what i tried to work around during the marriage, that she is incapable of really adult emotional communication, and that i can't approach her expecting a rational or generous response, as i would others. this has been the most scarring experience of my life and i'm just exhausted. for the moment that's probably a good thing.

[Ironmanrises]

What keeps me in NC... .?

Waves of missiles... .

All filled with poisonous explosives... .

Designed to inflict maximum damage... .

Long after... .

The initial impact.

Waves of missiles... .

Designed specifically... .

To overwhelm... .

My CIWS self defense guns... .

By sheer numbers... .

By sheer velocity... .

All aimed... .

At every part of me... .

That would hurt... .

The most.

Especially... .

At my heart.

What keeps me in NC... .?

And those very missiles... .

Would not appear... .

Until after... .

I had already... .

Succumbed... .

To opening myself... .

Completely... .

And fully... .

While giving my heart... .

And my trust... .

To the very person... .

That would... .

Only take that very trust... .

And take my heart... .

And destroy it... .

In the most... .

Lethal... .

Possible way... .

Again... .

And again.

Ever seen the movie The Vow... .?

There was the line... .

Used by the main character... .

Leo... .

When he finally realized... .

That he could not make his wife... .

Remember who he was... .

(Not that dissimilar to what we experience... .)

"How do you look... .

At the woman you love... .

And tell yourself... .

That its time to walk away... .?

How do I look at my Morena... .

The woman that I love... .

And tell myself... .

That its time to walk away... .?

Her destruction of me... .

And the need to go NC... .

That is how.

No other choice.

[fromheeltoheal]

Waves of missiles... .

All filled with poisonous explosives... .

Designed to inflict maximum damage... .

Long after... .

The initial impact.

Waves of missiles... .

Designed specifically... .

To overwhelm... .

My CIWS self defense guns... .

By sheer numbers... .

By sheer velocity... .

All aimed... .

At every part of me... .

That would hurt... .

The most.

Especially... .

At my heart.

What keeps me in NC... .?

And those very missiles... .

Would not appear... .

Until after... .

I had already... .

Succumbed... .

To opening myself... .

Completely... .

And fully... .

While giving my heart... .

And my trust... .

To the very person... .

That would... .

Only take that very trust... .

And take my heart... .

And destroy it... .

In the most... .

Lethal... .

Possible way... .

Again... .

And again.

Your militaristic metaphors with missiles and bombs and your protective suit have served to protect you Ironman.  And there's a lot of stress and anger in war.  Is there a way to take that metaphor to the next level?  A peace accord?  A trade embargo?  I dunno, it's your metaphor.  Hey, how about your suit gets bigger and bigger, so it is no longer a solitary prison but an impenetrable wall built around a city of love, full of healthy people.

Don't listen to me if it doesn't fit.

[delani]

Scared of his anger and rage.

[Waifed]

I have not had a desire to break contact since day 1.  I have bouts of ruminations where I think about the "good times" but the reality is that there is nothing that can come out of a relationship with a BPD so what is the point. 

[Traumatized]

Today I am at day 15 of NC.  That ties my record.  The last time I contacted her she hung up on me and told me not to call her anymore.  A few days later I called her mother and asked if I should try to contact her again and her mother told me no; that I should wait for her to contact me again when she is ready. 

I don't know if that day will ever come or not, but I'm in tremendous pain waiting for it.  I want to talk to her so bad.  I miss her so much! 

So what is keeping me NC is that I do not want to make things any worse than they already are.  If I call her again and she ignores me, hangs up on me or says something nasty, I know it's going to hurt me even worse.  I need to wait it out and honor her request not to contact her.  That's all I can really do at this point.  It's driving me crazy and I want to break NC so bad, but I know I shouldn't do it.

[nolisan]

After I told her to GTFO she sent me a final email threatening to call the police if I ever contacted her.

Quite ironic ... .after the financial rip off and emotional rape. Kinda like a burglar leaving a note threatening to call the police. But shroud, calculating and clever I have to admit. She had to get the last word in.

But it kept me from any urge to contact and that was a Good Thing. Over a year NC now.

[PhoenixRising15]

Knowledge that I will get nothing out of our that is rational or useful whatsoever.

Between the drugs and the PD, she really has no capacity for rational conversation.

Oh, and knowing that most likely every other word out of her mouth is a lie.

I've seen a lot of people saying stuff like that, but it took her actually contradicting herself every five minutes when she got frazzled for me to finally accept it. 

Oh what a tangled web she's weaved.

[Supernova9star]

but the real reason is that the mountain i would have to climb to have any sort of satisfactory exchange with her is just too high. i'm coming maybe to the point that i accept what i tried to work around during the marriage, that she is incapable of really adult emotional communication, and that i can't approach her expecting a rational or generous response, as i would others. this has been the most scarring experience of my life and i'm just exhausted. for the moment that's probably a good thing.

Exactly.

[peas]

I hate to admit it, but the only reason I keep NC is because I fear he will reject me hard. It's not because I'm so strong and it's the best thing for me to do. Simply, he doesn't want to know me. So I don't contact. If I thought he would be receptive to contact, I would try it, but the way we parted was brutal. He threatened to call the cops. The last thing I need is for me to reach out as a nice gesture only to be referred to the police. No thanks.

I'm also in a contest with myself to stay NC. I want to win that contest.

[Supernova9star]

And those very missiles... .

Would not appear... .

Until after... .

I had already... .

Succumbed... .

To opening myself... .

Completely... .

And fully... .

While giving my heart... .

And my trust... .

To the very person... .

That would... .

Only take that very trust... .

And take my heart... .

And destroy it... .

In the most... .

Lethal... .

Possible way... .

Again... .

And again.

This is what I have learned too Ironman. It's like the most sinister thing ever. Almost like when he realized it would be a challenge to break down my defenses, that is when it became a game to him. To me it was a huge internal battle. Logic vs. emotion. I knew it wasn't smart to go back to him but he was simply irresistible. That is so infuriating... .they know how to be everything you want and need but they only show that side to you when they are luring you into a trap. Then as soon as i succumb to his charms, BAM! The joke is on Me. And he is probably mockingly laughing in his head at how naive I am for falling for it... .again. So my heart is open and bleeding and he drops a grenade and runs out the door. That is why I am choosing no contact. I am not playing his game anymore. I'm done with his tricks and lies.

[Accepting]

Threads like this are really grounding and useful for when you're missing them.

It's all so true.

[fromheeltoheal]

I hate to admit it, but the only reason I keep NC is because I fear he will reject me hard. It's not because I'm so strong and it's the best thing for me to do. Simply, he doesn't want to know me. So I don't contact. If I thought he would be receptive to contact, I would try it, but the way we parted was brutal. He threatened to call the cops. The last thing I need is for me to reach out as a nice gesture only to be referred to the police. No thanks.

I'm also in a contest with myself to stay NC. I want to win that contest.

That is very strong awareness and admission peas.  I'd imagine that understanding the underlying emotions and reasons is your current project?

[Century2012]

My pride. Because my friends and family would ask, and have, "why are you still in communication with this person?" They are the FOREVER people in my life. I will weaken my relationships with them if I continue. That does not mean it doesn't hurt like Hades. It does! But I try.

[peas]

Century, YES. My family and friends would be disappointed in me if I was in contact with my ex. The people closest to me saw how I allowed him to treat me and they were beyond concerned. My mother cried a few times at how he treated me. It hurt her to see me hurting.

I would lose a lot of credibility and respect if I brought him back in life.

[loz1982]

Yes family and friends is a big reason why I keep my distance especially as he had disrespected my parents many times to the point they never want to see him again which they don't take lightly. When you get abusive phone calls for 3 hours and emails, it kinda pushes you to that decision. I asked him what have they done to you and he can't answer me. Even now he is very scathing in his comments about them saying my mum is controlling and arrogant, these are my parents he is talking about whom I am close too how does he expect to win me back that way? Never mind that I have been called moron, sl**t, stupid, been emotionally abused and my cooking and cleaning is always scrutinised. I have always tried to make him happy and meet his needs but not really realising mine were never being met. Sure he provided for me financially, it was like I owed him all the time for the lifestyle he had given me, that is not a partnership especially as he was trying to isolate me from my family and friends. It shouldn't be a choice between your family and your partner but he has made it so with his actions but he can't see it. I love him to bits but he has made it too hard to stay!

If I went back after all of this I would lose a lot of respect and possibly my family not in the sense that they would want nothing more to do with me but he has made them feel very unwelcome at the farm and I fear if I go back I will have to put of with his insults of them. What about a wedding, 1st birthdays of our first child etc, Mum helping me when I have my first baby, all that would never be how I imagined it if I went back to him. :'(

[lightswitch]

I'm struggling with NC. (Newbie) I have reduced contact by degrees; first, I kicked stbxUBPD husband out of the house. Second, filed for divorce. The last two months I've seen less of him, blocked his number so he can't call or text. If he calls from work phone, I prob only answer one out of ten of those calls. I try to keep the insanity fresh in my mind, so I don't wistfully think about the good times. I have read and read about BPD so I can make decisions from a cognitive place instead of an emotive place. I remind myself via writing, verbally ranting by myself in the car, talking to Ts, etc, of all the highly abusive and illegal things he did that put me and my children in jeopardy. AND the LIES! I put post it notes on my laptop to count days of total NC. A new T asked if this was like wanting a 24 hour coin you get while in early sobriety and I yelled 'YES!' I WANT a flipping cookie for each day I don't respond to emails or pick up phone! Just like a drug! My next good thing would be that if he knocks on my bedroom window in the wee hours of the night, drunk, again, I will call the cops! It's like hitting a bottom with any type of addiction, we do better to remember how bad it was, and that it will only escalate. I can let go and love him from afar. Newest scary memory; 2 am, knock on bedroom window, pull aside curtains to reveal him shining cell phone light on his bloody face. It couldn't have been scarier. He lied and said he and best buddy had gotten in a fight. (Not true, found out). Scarier still was that I LET HIM IN HOUSE. I'm lucky things didn't go wrong. That will keep me in NC. Long post... .! Thanks!

[alliance]

What keep me nc? I am enjoying my sanity, the peacefulness, the norm ebb and flow of life.

And, I stay nc cuz I know how easily she can screw that up without even trying.

[popeye6031]

Hi Loz,

How are you now?  Are you still determined to detach and has your fiance been in contact with you since?

I hope you are doing good, you seem to be handling things well. 

[fakename]

NC hasn't been an issue for me for a long time.  i guess it's for all the same reasons you guys list.

i guess what keeps me NC is just having no desire at all to revisit living life like i used to... .i have a new life and no matter what i'm not going back to it... .

[peas]

NC hasn't been an issue for me for a long time.  i guess it's for all the same reasons you guys list.

i guess what keeps me NC is just having no desire at all to revisit living life like i used to... .i have a new life and no matter what i'm not going back to it... .

That's progress, Fakename. I think it does come down to adjusting to a different life and knowing what you don't want. It takes times, tears and loss getting there, but it's nice when you arrive. I'm working toward that. Having a rough time, though.

[bruisedbattered]

    I refuse to be anyone's punching bag,  never again victim of physical or emotional abuse.

    I am strong, intelligent, and am piecing back together my shattered self esteem.

    With every contact attempt of hers that I deny, I gain an ounce more strenght, and a litre more of willpower.

    I am smothering myself in the garlic power of refusal in order to repel her vampiric attacks.


Day 7 NC, and honestly the only thing I miss is the wild sex... .  but Id rather be thirsty in the desert than drown in a volcano.

[fakename]

@peas,

i hear ya on it being rough... .

i used to take z-quil every night for a month just so i could sleep... .(wouldn't recommend that) but i was a wreck... .

just saying that i guess to kinda say no matter how bad you think it is, with forward steps it'll get better... .

[Suzn]

Knowing that I love her and the best way to truly love her is to LET HER GO... .completely.

Dito. Sometimes it is a show of love to leave someone with themselves.  

[RecycledNoMore]

1.) A restraining order

2.) My blossoming self respect

3.)freedom from abuse

4.) The ability to see my family without a constant guilttrip.

5.)freedom to have an opinion

6.)being able to plan and see an actual future

7.) Steping back and looking at the situation,r/s now, well it was s*** , years of s***,banging my head against a brick wall( literally)

8.)um he was a bit  of a dick , he couldnt hold a conversation with him, all he talked about was himself,god and the negativity and constant lies, soo draining

[jollygreen]

My brain knows what's best and tells my heart no.

[Learning_curve74]

I don't have contact because there's no point and it would be a waste of my time. She wasn't a healthy partner, isn't somebody I trust, and wouldn't be a good friend. I'm not narcissistic enough to believe that I have anything important to tell her in order to set her straight or anything that she needs to know that I already hadn't told her in the past. And beyond the fact that I don't trust her to tell the truth, there really is nothing I want to hear from her either.

[loz1982]

Hi Popeye a lot has happened since I last posted. After a week of being interstate my ex fiancé got sick of the waiting around and that I wouldn't agree with him that he said it was best to break things off finally. I had to agree as I wasn't getting through ever! We had a week of no contact never had even a day before so thought that was it and then he text to ask if I was still coming back there for work for a couple of weeks. I replied yes and said I had got a new car and new phone and he was like all you need is a new man fishing I guess. I told him that wasn't on my to do list. Then I got just messages every day how's your day going etc! It was nice to hear from him but at the same time it would set me back. I made the mistake of leaving my Facebook on as engaged cause my heart hadn't moved on and I was entertaining his texts so I guess he was encouraged. When he asked if I'm coming back to my parents after the work assignment I said well yes I had nowhere else to go, he got nasty and accused me of playing games as he thought I would want to stay to work things out together. A couple of months back I said we work things out together but that was before I realised he needs to work on himself and his issues before we even have a chance. I feel guilty now for the false hope but I really did hope we could work things out he would see sense and admit to his actions. Anyway no longer engaged on Facebook so that should make him happy. I just don't know how it has come to this, he is like a stranger to me and why do I still love him. Bit set back after this!

[FollowingBliss]

I don't have contact because there's no point and it would be a waste of my time; there really is nothing I want to hear from her either.