hello everyone

[Sarah70]

morning everyone, I can't believe this help is here, I've been coping on my own with my daughter's BPD for most of her life (she is 21 now).  We Jekyll and Hyde from her being open loving and friendly, to being blamed for everything under the sun, most recent upsetting episode yesterday.  I am buckling under the pressure of maintaining a normal life.  My husband and son do not really understand the reasons for her behaviour or acknowledge the BPD, she has always been "difficult" and thats the way they see her.  How do I cope with the horrendous things she says and does and not feel hurt ?  She has lied about us, her family to others... invents scenarios when she says things happened but they didnt... .    feeling lost and hurt but above all I dont want to lose my girl.  How can I move on ?

:'(

Sarah x

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi Sarah,

  I'm so glad you found our board.  This is a wonderful place to find support and gain knowledge on helping our BPD children and ourselves cope with such a difficult situation. 

I know what you mean about being the best family and then the most awful one a girl could ever be saddled with.  I just went through that last week.  My own dd16 was doing so well, things had been going so smooth and I was the best mom ever.  Then I made one comment she didn't like.  Mom you are the reason for my low self esteem.  I can't wait to get out of here.  Then the next day I'm the best mom ever again.  It's enough to make a person's head spin!

 

Please tell me more about your dd.  Is she currently living with you?  Is she in therapy or had a diagnosis of BPD?  What symptoms are you seeing now?  What's bothering you most?

I'm looking forward to learning more about you and your family!

-crazed

[Sarah70]

Hi Crazed   thanks for the reply.

Currently my dd is between homes after being thrown out of her partner's home. She is sharing her time between my mother, my sister and our family home, which is very hard for her and it causes her anxiety and stress levels to go through the roof ! 

She moved out of our family home at age 17 to embark on a same sex relationship after having heterosexual relationships previously. There was no discussion about this, she just stopped coming home.

She started to display what I now know as BPD symptoms during junior school (roughly age 8-9).  she always found it hard to make friends, fearing the the other children didn't like her and she would "lose" herself in being the best student she could.  Upon starting high school I knew she would struggle but hoped that with love and support she would make it through.  Not so !... her high school years were painful for both of us and I would be dealing with an emotional crisis on a daily basis sometimes sitting with her trying to talk her down until the early hours of the morning.  She has blamed me for a lot over the years.  I instigated her diagnosis by called our local crisis team around six months ago, (i used to work in mental health sector, non-clinical) in the hope of getting their services involved and a diagnosis.  Her recent sessions have revealed BPD and depression. she is intelligent and insightful and recognises the symptoms of BPD and how they are part of her but whilst she is aware of them, she is unable to stop these outbursts and my ability to deal with them is waning.   our family have gone through some very tough times recently, the loss of our home through both my husband and i losing our jobs, death in the family, and severe financial hardship.  Through it all we have good times and bad times and the extent of my coping mechanism is to withdraw from her when the BPD goes to top notch, I tell her I love her  and then withdraw to allow her to cool down.  Her worst symptoms are extreme black and white thinking, handing out judgement on peoples actions and a distorted view of reality.  she is demanding attention wise, and also demanding with my time, to the point of expecting huge amounts from me that i cannot deliver.  My son has always calmly accepted that his sister takes the lions share with no complaint.  He is a loving son who supports me unconditionally and tries to protect me from her attacks.  My worst problem right now is that cos of our circumstances, my emotional reserves are at rock bottom... the well is empty. I am tired of having to cajole and reason with her and deal with the outbursts. the most recent being yesterday.  My logical mind knows I have done my best, but there is a small voice that says I don't do enough for her.  I really identify with your sentence good mom one day and bad the next very much!  I am very low right now.  xxxxx

[crazedncrazymom]

Sounds like you've been through some extremely stressful times!  How have you been taking care of yourself through all of this?  It's tough to figure out how to react and sometimes withdrawing and allowing each of you to take time for yourselves is all you can do.

I know what you mean about feeling guilty.  I really struggle with allowing guilt to control my actions.  I win most days but there are some where I'm just like... here... take everything!  Feel better yet?  No?  Let me give you more.  Feel better?  We can keep doing that till I am exhausted emotionally and financially but she still doesn't feel better.  I try to just offer her love, kindness, understanding, boundaries and expectations.   

When a child suffers from BPD, not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but often, so is everyone who loves them. This mental illness can severely affect everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety. The good news is that there are answers to these problems, and we are here to offer you the support and encouragement to help you find them. You'll see that there are things that can be done to stop making things worse and begin to make them better. A great place to start is with this set of resources: What can a parent do? We look forward to seeing you on the Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD board and hope you join us in learning how to understand and communicate with our children better.


I hope to see you over at the parents board and get to know more about you and your situation.  If you need compassionate support you have come to the right place.  Keep posting!  It really will help you gain some clarity and insight.

-crazed