Surely at some point...

[houseofswans]

I tell you, I've never seen my ex in such a high level of excitement and expectation about the new Mr X.

I'm thinking about when (I nearly typed if) the devaluation and eventual discard comes with him, won't my ex's world collapse?

I mean, from what he's offering her (and it is so much more than myself or other partners have been able to offer), presumably she would then initiate a re-cycle with him and try to reignite what was felt in the honeymoon stage.

And depending what sort of personality he has it would either mean bye-bye, or he would try as well to make things work out again.

Especially as he is going to leave his wife and children who live 200 miles away and set up home with my ex. Almost like he's got too much invested to just walk away from her.

If her world doesn't collapse, and she just moves on to the next Mr X, then what is going on in her head to be so mercenary?

[imstronghere2]

Especially as he is going to leave his wife and children who live 200 miles away and set up home with my ex. Almost like he's got too much invested to just walk away from her.

If her world doesn't collapse, and she just moves on to the next Mr X, then what is going on in her head to be so mercenary?

Oh man.  If you can and you might not be able to right now, try to think about this without your emotions in it.

This new Mr. X is leaving his current wife and children to with be with your xBPD?  Think about the devastation this is causing to everyone involved right now except those two losers.   And I mean losers.   This will not end well and it will have life long ramifications to those Mr. X left behind.  I feel very, very sorry for that man's family.

"what is going on in her head to be so mercenary?"   And THAT'S the million dollar question which brings ALL of us here.   In her head is chaos.  A world that doesn't make sense. 

Hopefully you will get to that point of acceptance soon where you don't care all that much about what's going on in her head and be more focused on what's going on in your own.  You are what matters now and the sooner that becomes reality for you, the better you'll be and feel.  It will happen but it does take time.

We all seem to dwell on their lives and their new "Mr. X's" for awhile.  We're jealous, envious, hurt, resentful and angry amongst many other things.  But then eventually we realize we're actually better off without them and we begin to heal. 

Good luck and stay strong.  Try and find something to do today just for you, and smile.

[ShadowDancer]

wI read this post and it brought back deep and bitter memories of a previous bewilderment that I had experienced during my initial detachment. I would like to point out an observation if I may. First and foremost you say Mr. X "offers" her more than you possibly could. Do you mean on the material level of life? If my own assumption is of that is what you are eluding to, I want to give you my take of these two individuals based upon your brief description.

You say this man is leaving his marriage and moving 200 miles for "her"? Let's look at that simple statement objectively as principled men. My first thoughts on that issue is what is he "offering" to "that" family that he is leaving for "her", being a woman willing to involve herself with a married family man.

Here we have two people, "he" willing to damage and abandon his family and sworn commitments for a person who sees nothing wrong in that action given that she "gets what he offers", which to my perspective is betrayal and abandonment of not only his marriage but also of his very own children. For what is he willing to sacrifice so much for? A personality disordered individual willing to sacrifice these innocents at the alter of her own "needs". Do you see a happy outcome in this? Do you see good miraculously blooming from this soil?

No my good man, do not make the colossal mistake of comparing your insides to these peoples outsides. What is actually happening on the "inside" of this new relationship is a selfish collateral destruction and excruciating pain and misery to the innocent people who rarely enter our wounded conscience in these new and "exciting" and equally reckless affairs.

I speak only of my own experience and all I can offer is what is true for me. I know it is hard to look beyond our own humiliation and dissonance to be able to see things as we did before our own disastrous outcomes with this affair. It is also nearly impossible to see the world as we did before we permitted this to happen to us until I was able to reconcile my role and responsibility in the relationship with the final outcome as it happened to me.  

What is going on in her head to be so mercenary? Absolutely nothing beyond her own immediate wants. What happens after the collapse is simply our of our control or reach as we are in the process of detachment and healing or our own recent collapse. I most kindly remind you to not focus on her future but the future of those whom are innocent and hurting and also of yourself. You may not believe this but her world has been in a state of collapse for a long time, at least long before you arrived on the "scene". Nothing much really changes at all in this tragedy. It's the same story over and over. Different faces and places, same script. We were just there... .hang in there and mind your own side of the street.

[houseofswans]

Hi ShadowDancer,

Thank you for your insightful post. The following may offer fresh insights from you for which I will be grateful.

The words in quotations are my ex's

Whilst my ex and I were on a break, she began seeing someone else who was very interested in her research and was doing similar research from a different (although similar) angle.

They were together maybe 3 months and apparently were not due to start the relationship 'proper' until the end of September. This was because of issues with his girlfriend, not understanding him and from what I can gather, was going to finish with her before he started the relationship with my ex. Anyhow, my ex and him were attending a conference, had booked a hotel and on the night before the conference started, they had a bust up because his girlfriend rang him was crying and he decided to forgo the conference and return to his girlfriend to calm her or something similar I expect.

"I blew him away" was my ex's response when I asked her how things were going with them. "He abandoned me at the hotel".

However, the next day at the conference, she met the new Mr X. And this is where the story gets odd. Apparently, a friend of his (a channeller) had been receiving 'messages' from Mr X's former (and deceased) professor - by merely touching a photograph of the professor - and told Mr X that he was going to meet someone at the conference who he is 'destined' to work with.

Enter my ex... .

She told me that here was someone who "really understands her" and her research. Is "famous" in his field of research, has money and influence, and because he has had several books published, is in a position to finance and advise my ex on publishing her own book of research (something she's always wanted to do, but lacked the necessary means to do that).

Mr X has a very powerful and influential wife in her own field of pharmaceuticals and is a regular visitor to the prime minister's residence. Her vast income means that Mr X is a house husband, who stays at home to look after the children.

However, his research is at odds with his wife's vocation - and of course, "His wife doesn't understand him"

I've seen a photograph of him and would guess that he looks in his late-forties, or maybe early fifties (my ex is 55). This got me thinking that if he stays at home to look after the children, I wonder how old they are and what impact him upping and leaving would impact on them.

Interestingly, my ex was slightly concerned about Mr Xs wife, as she seems to think that she's angling for a position in the government, but "It's OK these days to have a minister who's divorced"

What I find odd is that he was told that he'd be working with someone. My ex jumped straight into a fully-fledged relationship even before they'd had chance to do any work or research. I wonder what the attraction could have been for either of them, and the boundaries both were crossing. If he was willing to do that, surely alarm bells must have rung in my ex's head to tell her that if he'd do that to his wife and children, how safe would my ex be as he could just jump ship (or go back to his wife) when things got messy... .

So there we have the scenario laid out.

For some reason he is willing to give up all he has to move 200 miles away to be with my ex.

[houseofswans]

Especially as he is going to leave his wife and children who live 200 miles away and set up home with my ex. Almost like he's got too much invested to just walk away from her.

If her world doesn't collapse, and she just moves on to the next Mr X, then what is going on in her head to be so mercenary?

Oh man.  If you can and you might not be able to right now, try to think about this without your emotions in it.

This new Mr. X is leaving his current wife and children to with be with your xBPD?  Think about the devastation this is causing to everyone involved right now except those two losers.   And I mean losers.   This will not end well and it will have life long ramifications to those Mr. X left behind.  I feel very, very sorry for that man's family.

"what is going on in her head to be so mercenary?"   And THAT'S the million dollar question which brings ALL of us here.   In her head is chaos.  A world that doesn't make sense. 

Hopefully you will get to that point of acceptance soon where you don't care all that much about what's going on in her head and be more focused on what's going on in your own.  You are what matters now and the sooner that becomes reality for you, the better you'll be and feel.  It will happen but it does take time.

We all seem to dwell on their lives and their new "Mr. X's" for awhile.  We're jealous, envious, hurt, resentful and angry amongst many other things.  But then eventually we realize we're actually better off without them and we begin to heal. 

Good luck and stay strong.  Try and find something to do today just for you, and smile.

Thanks for that Imstronghere,

You may find my reply to ShadowDancer interesting... .

[fakename]

houseofswans

i get the obsession to learn as much as you can about who your ex is pursuing... .i did a whole lot of it and even to this date have curiosity in that regard... .

i think i've learned the reason i did this was because it was in a way to establish 'what was it about me' that she left me or that she all of a sudden loves or wants to be with this new guy more... .

i think i was conditioned in that relationship to accept that all things going poorly were my fault and because i must have been doing something wrong...

this is far from the actual truth however, and i think once i saw that things wouldnt work out with her new dream man, and that it was the same things i went through with my ex, it may have provided a type of comfort in that it really wasn't me and there were other disordered forces at play...

in the end, i believe i was just what my ex needed at the time. in between her other failed relationships, i provided certain things that catered to what she needed, but she has too immature of a mind to have any stability in what she wants and even still that can never be satisfied, as its always changing. she cant allow herself to grow in a relationship and be happy maybe... .

i dont know, just my thoughts that applied to my 'relationship' with my ex... .

[Learning_curve74]

swans, I know you are hurt and bewildered. How can someone that I loved so much and did so much for just cheat and betray me like this? This is the pain and confusion many of us here have. And then many of us start wondering about the replacement and have the fear that they are magically going to survive the BPD maelstrom, thus proving our inner fear that it was us that failed.

Maybe the real question is surely at some point... .we must look inwards at ourselves and not outwards towards other people? Is it not true that all the time and energy you spend on her and mister x also time and energy that you could have spent on yourself instead?

And maybe we did fail... .but we failed to take care of ourselves. Maybe now is the time to fix that mistake?

[ShadowDancer]

I am in TOTAL agreement with LearningCurves post. Much wisdom is to be found in the word "us". Although following that thought may lead us astray from your original immediate concerns.

What these two choose to "see" in each other is rather simple in my minds eye.

He "sees" your exes adulation and awe of his "accomplishments" that his present wife may take with a grain of salt and whom may even very well "know" may not have even happened for him without her "accomplished" assistance simply by him being in her life and living as the leisured "house husband". His ego is now on the complete opposite end of that existence through your exes fawning stroking of his starving ego. She literally feeds him.

She "sees" him as a free train ride to get to where she believes she "deserves" to go at all costs. Perfection.

As far as the "channeler". BOLDERDASH! This is another classic example of the PDI "magical thinking", as in we are "meant to be". The classic PDI hog washing fairy tale.

In my case I used the vernacular for my xPDI as "my familiar". "I feel I have been waiting for you all my life"ect. ect... Let me tell you I was washing that hog, I can see that now. I did not know her, not in a "real" sense, and in the end I found I did not even "like" her. She was just mirroring me, my truest love, which was myself. Furthermore I believed in fairy tales... .and pigs could fly... .then the mirror shattered.

[heartandwhole]

swans, I know you are hurt and bewildered. How can someone that I loved so much and did so much for just cheat and betray me like this? This is the pain and confusion many of us here have. And then many of us start wondering about the replacement and have the fear that they are magically going to survive the BPD maelstrom, thus proving our inner fear that it was us that failed.

Maybe the real question is surely at some point... .we must look inwards at ourselves and not outwards towards other people? Is it not true that all the time and energy you spend on her and mister x also time and energy that you could have spent on yourself instead?

And maybe we did fail... .but we failed to take care of ourselves. Maybe now is the time to fix that mistake?

Swans 

[houseofswans]

Thanks again, kind people... .

I guess I'm trying to find 'excuses' to know that this 'perfect' relationship will end, not without tears at bedtime.

I agree with what you said about the channeller  

I don't know what PDI means?

[ShadowDancer]

PDI = Personality Disordered Individual

[houseofswans]

PDI = Personality Disordered Individual

[winston72]

ShadowDancer, you are going Fred Astaire on us today!  Some insightful posts.  Thank you.

HoS, we are all feeling your pain on this one.  It is awful.  Awful. 

One of the benefits of a community such as this board is the ability of others to look at our situation a bit more objectively than we can while in the midst of emotional pain and turmoil.  This quote from ShadowDancer zapped me:

I speak only of my own experience and all I can offer is what is true for me. I know it is hard to look beyond our own humiliation and dissonance to be able to see things as we did before our own disastrous outcomes with this affair. It is also nearly impossible to see the world as we did before we permitted this to happen to us until I was able to reconcile my role and responsibility in the relationship with the final outcome as it happened to me.

It came upon me only slowly, but I realized like the frog in the kettle, I had lost my sense of right and wrong as well as my emotional boundaries.  I so wanted to stay connected to my ex that I adapted to behavior that now with the benefit of hindsight were unacceptable to me.  And now I am struggling to accept myself for how I allowed myself to accept such things.

Perhaps I could be a bit blunt as I read your posts.  Your ex bounced from one guy to another in one weekend.  Not good behavior.  Is this the type of person you respect?  You want to be with?  The guy she is now with is married.  He is married!  Just wrong.  Wrong on her part; wrong on his part.  Do you want to bind your life to someone who does this?  Does this represent your values?  Anything goes?

Other than the underlying issues of mental health and all the BPD dynamics, just look at her behavior.  When the pain is gone, how will you view this episode? 

For me, having a more clear assessment of the stupid (wrong, actually) things my ex did…and my lack of reaction to them (really complicity) makes the loss much more tolerable.  The hard part for me is to say that some stuff was really wrong because that assessment applies to my behavior and consent also.  Okay…so you are not complicit in any of this stuff…I was in some dumb ways, but I am not painting you with that brush!  But you should feel free to apply some standard of evaluation to what she is doing here.  It might help you find perspective on your sense of loss and pain.

[houseofswans]

Hi Winston,

Thanks for that rational insight. I don't mind anyone being blunt because it's the equivalent of removing my rose-tinted glasses and seeing things as they really are.

Because I wouldn't even contemplate getting involved with someone who is married, I'm finding it hard to understand why she would in the space of one weekend.

As I said, he was 'fated' to work with her - what the hell happened to working together first and see if a relationship may or may not be on the cards.

No, I wouldn't want to get involved with her after this - it has surprised me that she would be so wanton in choosing someone who is married. Maybe the former Mr X 'abandoning' her was part of the reasoning.

I don't know, I'm just confused.