I think we all need to be careful not to confuse each other by pathologizing every aspect of our ex's behavior or by trying to simplistically characterize the thinking of the entire the population of ex's at bpdfamily as acting in the same mindframe. They aren't. As much as pwBPD, addictions, depression exhibit some characteristic behaviors, every relationship here is unique and many of the behaviors of the partners are human behaviors that we also experience.
If we are going to understand what has transpired in our life, it really helps to know
where the pathology starts and ends.Do they miss us?
Well, if no BPD, addictions, depression or HSP were present the answer is probably something like this... .
- if our partner let the relationship, and we wantd to contine they are probably not missing us as much as we miss them. Vis versa is also true.
- if our partner is i a new environment, and we are in the old environment they are probably not missing us as much as we miss them. Vis versa is also true.
- if our partner is in a new relationship, and we are are not, they are probably not missing us as much as we miss them. Vis versa is also true.
- if our partner is in a new relationship that is floundering, they are probably missing us more than if the relationship was doing well. Vis versa is also true.
- if our partner is rebuilding their hart, body, and soul, and we are they are probably missing us more than if the relationship was doing well. Vis versa is also true.
You get the idea.
So how does BPD, depression, insecurity, or high sensitivity personality affect the above?
If a person has higher than normal rejection anxiety, they will cope by doing things that keep them from getting into that dangerous place of being deeply attached to someone and being vulnerable to being crushed by them. When this happens, there is great pain - even suicide, or, ironically, the seeking treatment. Most pwBPD have had a crushing or near crushing heartbreak and live a life that keeps them away from that darkness - it's self reservation. It can debilitate them. Rejection anxiety or sensitivity is at the core of this disorder along with impaired executive function (impulsiveness).
How they avoid and the extent that they avoid is very individualized.
In general, while as a group, we tend to be on a road of healing by grieving and introspection (as members of this support group), a partner with BPD or traits, will more likely be on the general road of avoidance of the emotional pain that could bring them down. The degree varies in each couple/person.
THIS may very well be in the top three of the most bewildering aspects of these personalities. It is truly vexing and a dissonant issue for us the "grievers". Unfortunately it is a well understood and almost universal feature of the symptom constellation. It is termed "object constancy". Basically for me it means out of sight, out of mind... .literally. If she can't see me I simply don't exist as a real flesh and blood feeling person.
Object permanence, object consistency, and
object relations theory is confusing as they use the same word to explain three very different things. Sometimes the definitions get intertwined.
Here is a experts take on
object relations theory which explains 3 emotional relationship modes typically seen in BPD. In this definition, the word "object" means "relationship"
Level 1: When a major object/relationship is present and supportive, the depressive, bored, and lonely features predominate. Here the borderline person is at the first and best level of function. It is characterized by considerable conscious longing for closer attachment but considerable passivity and failure to initiate greater sharing within the context of the relationships. There is a capacity here to reflect on past failures and to identify conflicts and resistances realistically. There remains, however, considerable concern about the object's fragility and concurrent fears of being controlled by becoming dependent. More
Level 2: When a major object/relationship is frustrating to borderline persons or when the specter of their loss is raised, a second level of psychological functioning and a different constellation of clinical phenomena are evident. The angry, devaluative, and manipulative features predominate. Although the affective tone of anger is pervasive, it is only occasionally expressed as open rage. More frequently, it takes a modified form such as biting sarcasm, belligerent argumentativeness, or extreme demands. The anger is modified to alleviate fears of losing the object (in reality as well as its mental representation), while it still communicates the wish to maintain a hold on the person. More
Level 3: When a borderline person feels an absence or lack of any major object, then a third level of psychological function becomes predominant. The phenomena during such periods include the occurrence of brief psychotic episodes, panic states, or impulsive efforts to avoid such panic. These phenomena each represent efforts to ward off the subjective experience of aloneness and, I would add, total badness. Under ordinary circumstances, this aspect of the borderline around - even if without any evident emotional contact, in using radio and television as hypnotics, or in heavy reliance on transitional objects. More
