We're leaving him out of our Christmas plans - how do I tell him?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Christmas is such a tough time - if only it wasn't so loaded with emotional baggage.

My kids have decided they can't handle having their dad (my BPDh who has left us) to stay for Christmas. A while ago he said he didn't want to spend it alone in his bedsit and would like to come to us. However, me and my kids been invited to good friends for a couple of nights and have all agreed to go there. It will be a very jolly time with lots of fun. My son and daughter have suggested they go and visit him for the day over the holiday period instead - he's staying just 40 minutes away.

How do I tell him? I know this will hurt and exacerbate his abandonment issues but I feel it's the right thing under the circumstances.  I just don't know how to frame the words... .

[toomanytears]

Christmas is such a tough time - if only it wasn't so loaded with emotional baggage.

My kids have decided they can't handle having their dad (my BPDh who has left us) to stay for Christmas. A while ago he said he didn't want to spend it alone in his bedsit and would like to come to us. However, me and my kids been invited to good friends for a couple of nights and have all agreed to go there. It will be a very jolly time with lots of fun. My son and daughter have suggested they go and visit him for the day over the holiday period instead - he's staying just 40 minutes away.

How do I tell him? I know this will hurt and exacerbate his abandonment issues but I feel it's the right thing under the circumstances.  I just don't know how to frame the words... .

[HarmKrakow]

Don't be honest. Come up with a lame soothing aka smoothing excuse.

Blunt honesty will only trigger more crap

[Reg]

Hi toomanytears,

I think this depends a lot on the personal situation of your ex husband.

How is he dealing with the situation in general ?  Does he understand he has a problem ?  Did he seek treatment ? Or is he in denial ?

Reg

[toomanytears]

Hi Reg

He's in complete denial I'm afraid. It's very hard. I'm the one going to therapy (his suggestion because he thinks I have anger management problems) and I've found it very healing and useful. I've suspected for years he has BPD and tried to keep our relationship going with validation etc but in the end I flipped. The final crunch came when he told me he didn't love me anymore, wanted a separation but to remain friends. Turns out he was going to marriage guidance (without me) and had come to this conclusion by himself. I was devastated and told him to leave. Since then he's maintained that I threw him out and that he won't come back because he's afraid for his personal safety. He's very confused and angry but aggressive too. I've never suggested to him that he has BPD. My feeling is that he will only project it back onto me. I couldn't handle him at Christmas and neither could the children (they have volunteered this) . But at the same time my heart bleeds for the little boy inside who is hurting so much. I hate to be so cruel.

[Reg]

Hi TMT,

Maybe as you are seeing a therapist, it would be good to ask his advice on the matter.

They know a lot better than we do how to handle this kind of situation.  Possibly something validating towards him so that he won't make a problem of it ?  I think the therapist will do a much better job than I do 

BTW I know how it feels to be cruel to keep them on a distance.  But they are cruel towards us as well, and I think a lot worse, although they don't really know it.

Take care !

Reg