The sad truth I eventually found...

[Rocknut]

I have the exact story many others of you share. I am a gay man. I met my BPD boyfriend at a restaurant he worked at. He swooped me up. He constantly told me how special I was. He told me how he looked for me my entire life. He told me how prior men had treated him terribly. Oh yes, we spent every waking moment together, from september last year through february this year. Then, boom, 5 days before Valentines he dissapears. He told me I was "invading his space." He shortly thereafter went in to drugs, broke up with me and vanished.

The last 8 months were long and complicated. Lot's of crazniess, LOT'S. I would be valued, devalued. He would dissapear., reappear. All sorts of BPD behavior that is too much to go in to.

Eventually I went crazy myself. I became obsessed with finding out where he was going, doing. I hacked his facebook, email. What did I find?...

I didn't find any current evidence of cheating? But what did I find? He had talked to numerous men, NUMEROUS, over the last 5 years. HE TALKED TO THEM IN THE EXACT MANOR HE TALKED TO ME. He told them how, "special" they were. He told them how they were his, "savior." He told them the exact things he told me...



... but... what bothered me the most? When my BPDBF suddenly started drugs and dumped me, I was shattered. It was the out of nowhere BPD breakup. I went to his house crying. I wrote him emails, long heart wrenched emails. I wrote him long heart wrenched letters. I cried on his steps... .

... and reading through his facebook, emails, I found messages and emails from men feeling the exact emotions I felt. One man in particular wrote him an email a back saying, "im shaking. im crying. why did you leave me? I did nothing wrong. Where are you?"

I literally cried reading the messages from these men. They never got an answer to what happened. I stuck around long enough to find out.

[happylogist]

Ohh, I can only imagine how much it hurt to read and how desperate you were. But the important - you know that you were a tool, as much as the others. Still a special one in a given moment, and so were the others.

While I have no actual proof, I believe that my ex's mailbox will be a bit like yours

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm sorry you went through that, we've all been there, and you found folks who won't treat you like that here, as anonymous as we are.

Detaching for a moment, that could be a fascinating study.  Some people, in an attempt to attach and be loved, basically lie, some so convincingly that folks buy it.  My borderline sure had me going for a while, partly because the best lies are the ones that are told by people who don't think they're lying; I truly believe my borderline believed what she was telling me, for the brief moment she was telling me anyway, as she gave me the commitments to longevity of our relationship.  Ha!

So it would be interesting to correlate things like the self-esteem and self-confidence of his suitors with the length of the relationship; mentally healthy people don't fall for crap for long.  I'm embarrassed to admit that I put up with more than I should have, but eventually I got a blinding flash of the obvious and bailed.  And the determination to never, ever fall for that again has motivated me to look deeply within myself and get to work.  Basically, I'm just frickin' awesome, but there's opportunity for growth, and life seems entirely different, and better, than it did before I met her, mostly because I have clear direction.

Stay strong, stay here, and take care of you!

[fiddlestix]

I am so sorry for your heartache, rocknut.  I know how bad it hurts to be "the one and only."  Then to be thrown away like an old soup can.  Ouch!  And to read those painful emails and such... .so hurtful.  Perhaps it is the painful eye-opener we need to realize that the person we loved is simply not "programmed" to be in a healthy, mature, faithful relationship.  Like another recent thread on here discussed, the disordered person has a "hardware" problem in his/her brain, or an "operating system glitch." 

We "nons" have a brain/heart fit for committment, truth and deep love; the disordered person's system is simply not compatible with ours.  Sadly, the disordered person may not be compatible with anyone.  Without rigorous therapy, they are destined for a life of profound unrest and loneliness.   

We can and will heal! 

Fiddle

[Rocknut]

It has been exceptionally hard for me to let go because this was my very first relationship. I am 28. When I met this guy I thought I found my soul mate. He constantly told me I was his soul mate. He plays these games with me. He will dissapear for a week or 2, them pop back up like nothing happened.

The relationship went south in February and in still hanging on. Iv tried to let go. The idea gives me crippling anxiety.

[fromheeltoheal]

He will disappear for a week or 2, them pop back up like nothing happened.

Nothing happened for him maybe, actually it probably did, he's just good at repressing it as a defense mechanism, but a lot happened for you.  First loves are very significant for everyone, and it's up to you to decide how you are willing to be treated and what is unacceptable, and enforcing those boundaries, regardless of how painful it is now in the short term.  If you don't it will only get worse.

[Bananas]

  Rocknut,

I had a similar experience when I met my uPDex's Ex (the one I overlapped with).  There she was telling a story only it was my story except she was me.  She was saying almost word for word the same words he said to me.  So on the one hand it made me incredibly sad that I was not so *special* but on the other hand, it gave me confirmation of how disordered his thinking really is and provided me some closure.  

I am so sorry.   I know when I found out it did set me back a lot and I spent the weekend crying a lot but also very relieved if that makes sense.  

I have a lot of anxiety too and have been diagnosed with PTSD.  My therapist is really helping me work through things.  Are you in therapy or is it something you would consider?

I also recommend this book, The Betrayal Bond there are exercises in it that have helped me understand what I experienced and helped me to detach.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=77344.0


  You are in my thoughts

-Bananas

[UmbrellaBoy]

Wow Rocknut. It's amazing that that is what you found. I'm not a big fan of snooping, but that's an incredible story.

I'm gay too, and I know my guy had other people. Usually I knew about them. For one, of course, it was a love-triangle with the on-again-off-again ex. I know that the two of us were the "big two." But as time went on, I started suspecting little involvements with others. Maybe no overt cheating, maybe it didn't go beyond flirting or ambiguously intimate "friendship," but I know lots of people had feelings for him, and he strung them along, strung us all along.

In his life as a whole, there was a girl-friend of his he didn't talk to for two years, a boyfriend whom he sabotaged the relationship with and who (and I respect this) wouldn't take the crap and cut him off right away, there was the ex and me, and then I found out even this summer a friend of his cut him off (I think because he liked my guy and felt that my guy strung him along). Lots and lots of tumultuous relationships with guys, not able to just settle down into a normal thing with anyone. It is symtom #3 after all... .

[ThanksForPlaying]

And the determination to never, ever fall for that again has motivated me to look deeply within myself and get to work.

My uBPDexw moved out one day and completely blindsided me.  She tried to recycle but I filed for divorce.  Through lots of searching, I was amazed and relieved to learn more about BPD because it gave me a clear blueprint and I saw all the red flags in hindsight.

I spent a lot of time focused on BPD and dated several great girls.  Things got very serious with one, but I saw a few red flags.  We even used to joke that she had BPD and she was aware that I knew what it was.

She still ended up tearing my heart out, using her s4 to make it hurt worse.

I was already determined to never let that happen, but it happened again.  This time I'm less focused on BPD and more focused on myself.  I like BPD because it's exciting to me.  Normal girls don't make my heart flutter.  I'm once again determined to not let this happen, but the changes need to come from within this time.

(I'm very codependent, working on that)

[fromheeltoheal]

I was already determined to never let that happen, but it happened again.  This time I'm less focused on BPD and more focused on myself.  I like BPD because it's exciting to me.  Normal girls don't make my heart flutter.  I'm once again determined to not let this happen, but the changes need to come from within this time.

(I'm very codependent, working on that)

Good call Thanks.  I've found that having the intellectual knowledge of BPD doesn't help much when we get emotionally involved, since to do so creates a loaded bond between us, and our 'stuff' plays off their 'stuff' and vice versa.  It takes a while to discover what happened and why we did what we did, heal, learn, grow.

Good awareness that you find BPD exciting and 'normal' girls not; my thought is there's something in there you haven't clearly defined yet.  Mine was like an addiction, a very strong emotional buzz, and I've learned that not only aren't those sustainable they're self destructive, and I need to get clear on why I'm attracted to that and what I really want from a relationship.  I can't really do that by having a bunch of them, time for a processing break.  Take care of you.

[PhoenixRising15]

Rock,

Do you now wish you didn't know?

I wish i could have proof, something that was more solid.  All I have is, well, every circumstance seems to point here, but I wish I could just see it, one other time.  Maybe that would make me feel not so alone.

Sorry for ya brother.  So sorry.  More sorry than you'll ever know.