up and down emotionally

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So it been just over 3 months since i broke up with my ex, but about 2 ish weeks of NC,some days I feel really good, hopeful about my future,other days I just cant shake the sadness, I think of all the things I want to say to him, I want to list the ways hes hurt me, I want to scream at him for burning the dog just to get me to go and see him, yes this really happened,I want to email him all the information I have learned about BPD,I want to laugh in his face and explain exactly why it wont work out with my replacement, I want to be the one with the look of superiority when I tear him to shreads,spit in my face... .

Real emotional maturity right, I think not.

Its been really difficult to look at myself and realise my part in all this, I often say to myself if I hadnt met upbd ex, I probably would have continued on my merry way, never learning to look inward,never knowing about boundries, also true, I never erected any, for anyone,never realising how much pain Im in , inside... .

A blessing and a curse, yes, just some days I wish it all would just go away.

[RecycledNoMore]

So it been just over 3 months since i broke up with my ex, but about 2 ish weeks of NC,some days I feel really good, hopeful about my future,other days I just cant shake the sadness, I think of all the things I want to say to him, I want to list the ways hes hurt me, I want to scream at him for burning the dog just to get me to go and see him, yes this really happened,I want to email him all the information I have learned about BPD,I want to laugh in his face and explain exactly why it wont work out with my replacement, I want to be the one with the look of superiority when I tear him to shreads,spit in my face... .

Real emotional maturity right, I think not.

Its been really difficult to look at myself and realise my part in all this, I often say to myself if I hadnt met upbd ex, I probably would have continued on my merry way, never learning to look inward,never knowing about boundries, also true, I never erected any, for anyone,never realising how much pain Im in , inside... .

A blessing and a curse, yes, just some days I wish it all would just go away.

[winston72]

Hey RnM!  I just read through your previous posts.  Wow, you have really been through hell in this relationship.  My heart goes out to you.

Your feelings of anger seem appropriate and proportional to me, to say the least.  Those feelings and your awareness of them seem pretty healthy to me.  The issue of maturity arises when we are faced with acting on them appropriately.  You do not seem to be in danger of acting out in a destructive manner.

I wonder if the development of your anger isn't a key aspect of healing and growth for you.  Perhaps I can comment on some of my experiences that your account brings to my mind.

Just today I have been feeling very angry within... .adrenaline up, rumbling stomach and a fighting spirit.  It makes me feel uncomfortable and I am not sure my feelings are valid.  Dumb, I realize, as I write this.  I wrote a couple of letters to my ex, which I did not and will not send, that scorched her for some of her behavior.  These behaviors were two and three years ago.  I am just now feeling the anger from her betrayals and injuries to me.  My lack of emotional integration and health led me to... .well, I cannot really explain it so I won't try.  My anger now, as embarrassing as the delay is, is helping me to establish boundaries... .for the first time in my life.  The anger is alerting me to where a boundary should be placed.  It is my insides screeching, "Hey!  Don't let this happen again!"  It is the flashing red light that tells me to stop.  My, how I wish I had this awareness years ago. 

Please pay attention to your feelings. They are informing you.  You have most certainly experienced some terrible abuse.  I am not qualified to comment on all the ramifications of that abuse.  But, I can say that you would be wise to let your feelings run a bit... .to accept yourself and how to listen and learn how all of this affected you.  Of course, be wise and mature in how you behave in response to them.  I suspect you have used that burden of "responsible behavior" to repress your actual feelings.

In fact, RnM... .as I read your story, I wish I could tear him to shreds and rip him apart for being a ridiculous bully.  His behavior is inexcusable. 

Keep posting, please.  You are headed in the right direction.  Your story and your struggle is an inspiration to me and to others.

PS... .some days I feel really good, other days I can't shake the sadness... .you described it perfectly.  I feel the same way.

[winston72]

Just came across this quote after sending my post:

“It is never too late to be who you might have been.”

George Eliot   

I am on my way... .

[RecycledNoMore]

I Know that feeling, adrenaline, the rumbling feeling in the pit of my stomach,mostly for me it turns into nausea, and yes very much so, " responsible behavior" has indeed become a burden, for the last 2 years, we have conducted our r/ s in secret, well, denial from my family I think, I think they must have known something was going on, they never acknowledged it, they had already endured 6 on and off years of make ups and break ups,holding my hand through tears, police and bruises, they warned me plenty of times, but sadly as all my pleading was to him, all there pleas to me, fell on deaf ears.I became master of " putting on a brave face" , slapping on a smile, making a joke as I walked through the door, asking " whats for tea" ,then walking into the bathroom to break down in silence, while the shower ran.Ive stuffed so many emotions down now, they are literally clawing there way out.

It is time, winston for me to feel, to get to know me, even before " he who shall not be named"  I stuffed, I never realised that before, another small blessing,I have started reading " boomerang love" by Lynne Melville, such a great validation of my kaleidescope of my emotions,as Is BPD family, I dont know how I would cope if I didnt have my " kinded spirits" here, guiding me,asking the questions ive never been brave enough to contemplate,helping me to save myself.

I have been put in contact with a good therapist organised through the courts as part of the restraining order I obtained, not sure if she has any experience with BPD, I live in a relatively small city so wel see,the friends I used to have slowly dropped off the radar, he did not approve of them, or would go through my phone, get there numbers and harrass them when wed " break up", and plus, who wants to watch the slow destruction of a friend? ," spectators to a massacre" in which I was a willing participant.

Anyway winston baby steps aye... .Im so very thankful for your exellent advice, its good to get perspective from somebody whos going through this process to, time- it is what it is, I dont care if it takes me 8 years to get through this, thats how long it took to get here, as long as I know Im moving foward... .

P.s awesome quote, " its never too late to be who you might have been" quite apt, im 35, on november the 21st, I will have completed a year long course in welding, of all things! What started out as a way for " him" to keep an eye on me, turned into a passion, a refuge,yet another blessing.

I too am on my way... again thank you and good luck on your journey winston:)

[houseofswans]

RecycledNOmore,

It's now 4 weeks since my last NC.

It would have been 10 weeks but I thought I could handle breaking NC after 6 weeks.

I couldn't, it was really hard to be with my ex whilst she told me how wonderful the new Mr X was and how much she loved him.

Even though we are only 3 miles apart, and I know that because he is 200 miles away and unlikely to be at her house midweek, I am staying resolute that I won't just call around as I have done in the past.

[RecycledNoMore]

6 weeks hoorah! Houseofswans, I think u deserve a pat on the back for making it that far, 6 weeks seams like such a life time away... .tell me is it getting any better, any easier for you? I at least have a restraining order that acts as a solid barrier for me, Ive blocked fb, because I know id be shattered if I even saw any hint of "him" and my replacement,what stops you house? How do you cope?