Trying to move on after losing family

[Sitara]

Basically I'm looking to hear some stories or advice from people who have lost their family due to the BPD in their life. 

Some background so you know where I'm coming from: My relationship with my uBPD mom has slowly been getting worse and worse over the last few years since I started telling her that her behavior wasn't okay.  I didn't know what BPD was until just a few months ago, but somewhere along the line I realized that people didn't deserve to be treated the way she was treating them.  My husband and I recently moved halfway across the country, and just shortly before that I had a giant falling out with my family.  We had gotten into a big argument where I asked for a few changes from my mom and she refused saying either I accept her for who she is, because she's fine with who she is, or I must not love her.  I asked her what she wanted from me several times, and the only answer she could come up with was "I don't want to talk to you on the phone."  When I asked how we would keep in contact once we moved, she just said she didn't know.  Previous to all this, my parents paid for my college in full, would lend us money and say we could pay back whenever we had the money (later I found out major hidden strings were attached, but that's another story), and were generally there whenever we needed.  Catch was though, I was expected to ask (read: grovel).  I realized that my relationship with my parents was completely based off me doing all the work.  If I didn't call, we didn't talk on the phone.  If I didn't ask them to do something together, we didn't do anything.  I decided to stop doing all the work.  My parents didn't help with our move at all.  They wouldn't have even stopped to say goodbye if I hadn't been a convenient stop on the way to the dr. (which I got jabs for not caring even though she hadn't told me anything was wrong) while I was trying to run a garage sale.  I had two different people shocked and comment about how that was all the goodbye I got.  We've been gone for almost two months and I haven't heard anything from them.  It really hurts that they don't care.  My mom left me with a lose-lose situation; either I call her and get put down because she said she didn't want me to call her, or I don't and she gets angry that I never contacted her to let her know I made it safe.  She of course already has contacted a relative on my husbands side trying get our new address, lying and saying that I refuse to pick up the phone when she calls.

My dad is a huge enabler and has been recruited to my mom's crazy ideas.  He used to just sit by and stay out of things but he's recently been pushed to pick sides, and he wouldn't stand up for me when mom was beating me down.  (Ironically, part of the reason mom is mad at me is because I told her to stop talking bad about my dad.)

My sister immediately removed me from facebook the minute I moved.  We've never been close, but it still bothered me.  In hindsight, I think my mom has been a major factor in us not getting along.  Just one example, my mom was mad at me, so she told me not to come to my sister's graduation, but didn't tell my sister that's why I didn't come.  My sister has two kids, and I'm trying to figure out if I should, could, or want to have a relationship with my niece and nephew.  I don't know if any packages I send would make it, or if it would even be possible to have a good relationship with them with the poison my sister tells people about me.

My mom separated us from any other relatives (aunts, uncles, grandparents) early in life, so I really don't have any family left.  Problem is, I always had fantasies of someday having big family get-togethers like picnics and holidays.  I know that is never going to happen, and I know having a healthy relationship with my parents is never going to happen.  How do you move past that and truly become okay with not having something you always wanted?

[GeekyGirl]

I'm sorry that you're going through this, Sitara.   It's hard when you feel like you've lost so much.

My mother's the type to push people away too--she has alienated herself from all of her four siblings and gives me the silent treatment when I disagree with her in any way. It's very painful when you feel like you've been rejected.

That said, there are some things that I've done that have helped. I've contacted some of the estranged relatives (my cousin and an aunt that I was close to as a child) and rekindled relationships with them. I've become close to my in-laws, who are nurturing and kind people. I've also found good friends that I consider extended family. None of them completely replace having loving, nurturing parents, but it does help.

My sister has two kids, and I'm trying to figure out if I should, could, or want to have a relationship with my niece and nephew.  I don't know if any packages I send would make it, or if it would even be possible to have a good relationship with them with the poison my sister tells people about me.

My mom separated us from any other relatives (aunts, uncles, grandparents) early in life, so I really don't have any family left. 

Do you want to reach out to any of them? What do you think would happen, and how would you react?

Big hugs to you... .you are not alone. 

[Sitara]

Unfortunately my husband's family isn't much better than mine, but there is one relative on his side that is amazing, and she's accepted me for me even with all my faults.  The only problem is that my mom buddies up to her to try and weasel information out of her, so I feel bad that she's caught in the middle.  I had a big talk with her though, and she was very understanding of the situation and was prepared.  I have also been working very hard on keeping friendships going.  I've not been good at that in the past, but it's one of my issues I'm determined to work on!

Do you want to reach out to any of them? What do you think would happen, and how would you react?

As far as my niece and nephew go, part of me wants to be in their life, but part of me wonders if I can really be a positive part of their lives just by sending packages and letters.  I'm not even sure packages I send are getting accepted.  The last one I sent wasn't even acknowledged.  So I wonder if it's even worth it.  If my sister doesn't want me in their lives, I don't think there's much I can do.

I've thought about connecting with my mom's siblings, but I only met them a handful of times.  I don't really know how to strike up that conversation if I can even figure out how to get in contact with any of them.  I honestly don't know how they would react, because all I know of them is through my mom and I've come to question if anything she said about them is really true.  But that's not a bad idea.  Any suggestions on how to start up an out-of-the-blue conversation with a relative you've only seen once in the last 15 or so years? 

[GeekyGirl]

Any suggestions on how to start up an out-of-the-blue conversation with a relative you've only seen once in the last 15 or so years? 

It may feel awkward, but probably wouldn't be as awkward as you might think. A simple, "Hi, how are you doing?" would break the ice. Odds are, your relatives know what's going on with your mother (or at least suspect that she's a little different) and wouldn't hold that against you. If they do--that's their issue and not yours.

What kind of a relationship would you want with them?

I have also been working very hard on keeping friendships going.  I've not been good at that in the past, but it's one of my issues I'm determined to work on!

That's great, Sitara.   

[chickadee]

Hi Sitara,

Oh God, I know how you feel.  My parents both have PDs, my mom has BPD and my dad has NPD, both are undiagnosed.  I haven't talked to either of them in about 8 years now.  I don't talk to anyone on my dad's side anymore, and I only have contact with one of my mom's siblings, my aunt, and her husband and 3 kids.  They are all I have left.  I feel bad that my son hardly knows any of his relatives on my side.  My aunt is great, she accepts the fact that I no longer have a relationship with my parents and we don't talk about them.  I wish I could talk to my aunt about my parents, but it's not a good idea for me to do that, because I suspect the rest of the family would likely try to get information from her.  I want her to be able to say "I don't know" if someone asks her something that I feel is inappropriate (the family loves to gossip and stir up trouble).  She is one of the few relatives I have who doesn't have a lot of BPD character traits.  It is very lonely for me.  My husband's family is much healthier, but many of them are dead now.  We are on good terms with his sister and her family, but due to their work schedules, we hardly ever see them. 

It made me sad to read your post, because I know how lonely life is without the support of your parents.  After my relationship with my parents went south, it was a bit awkward for me to approach my aunt and say I'd love to keep in touch with her, but we can't discuss my parents and I have no wish to repair my relationship with them.  She accepted it though, because she knows what my mother is like and can understand how hard it must be for me. 

I just keep going on with my life, even though it's hard, and try to make the most of it.  I try to not think too much about my parents.  Spending time here helps enormously, because everyone here understands.  You ask how do you move on and become truly OK with the situation?--well, that's a tough one.  For me, I just allow myself to feel sad about it sometimes.  I've had to accept the fact that I'll always feel sad about how things turned out with my parents.  When I think of the alternative, which would be to keep them in my life and grovel and put up with the way they treat me and my husband and son, well, that makes it easier to accept, because I really did feel like I was going to go crazy trying to maintain a relationship with them.  The truth is they really don't love me, not because I'm unlovable, but because they are sick and refuse to seek help.  Once I accepted that, it became a little easier to live with, but like I said there will always be some sadness.  It's great that you found this board, keep reading and posting, it really helps.