what am I missing in this letter? very long, sorry

[Our abuse recovery guide]

  I have received the following letter from uBPDsis... .did I mis-diagnose? She is high functioning and there is just a hint of "regret"... .she states that she is sad, aside from that there is no apology nor anything warm. I changed the names... .fyi Mary is my niece, age 17, Deborah is her half sister, Mike is Deborah's hubby and Ricky is their first born. I deleted out a very lengthy paragraph about the trials and tribulations of raising a gay teenager.

We have been vlc for 5 yrs.


Hey Beatup,

    I decided that I am wide awake, in spite of it being 4 in the morning, and that I might as well get up and write to you... for I have been thinking of it for quite some time.  I don’t even have a “plan” for what I want to say so it might come out as a bit of a rambling.  My only hope in writing is that you will at least take the time to read it. Well, I spose I have “two” hopes…. The other is that you will respond…even if it’s only a one liner that says….”not interested at this time.”  At least then I will know that you did, in fact, read so my effort was not totally in vain.  I think if I don’t at least reach out with my thoughts….I might someday wish I had.

      Little things have been piling up in my mind for awhile…like weird little “snippets”….sometimes they are moments in time, sometimes they are smaller revelations... an odd collection of stuff.  I think (but am not at all positive) that they are unfolding because of my age…the years are piling up.  I often wonder if similar snippets pop up in your world…maybe on altogether different topics…but snippets nonetheless.  I am keenly aware of my evolving “change of opinion” on assorted topics... especially where Emily is concerned.  I ponder if I am simply getting TIRED... as in generally WEARY... and maybe it has become simply too hard to sustain such black and white rules on assorted topics and perhaps thaaat is why I am “caving” in so many areas….or maybe better put as “giving in”…or heck…maybe “softening”….and alas….thaaat is what I mean when I say I am not at all positive.  I dealt with her sexuality a long time ago now.  I “accepted” it.  By that I mean…I genuinely don’t care one single diddly.  But the overall “taking in” of all that it entails is MUCH slower…ever-so-gradual….and I do think that process has made me inwardly kinda throw up my hands in a heavy sigh….and just say to myself….”oh whatever”       ….and in so doing (repeatedly as the situations present themselves in her world and mine)…indeed….nothing IS at ALL…black and white anymore.  I just re-read this paragraph and it sounds all muddled already.


        Another recent but VERY profound “moment in time”…...   Mary was asking me questions about Deborah's wedding…and Ricky.  As in….which came “first” and how did that all “go down”.  I forced myself down memory lane and recounted the tale for her…... and subsequently found myself very upset….with myself.  The “tale” was…... Deborah came to us, engaged…ring and all.  We liked Mike pretty well….so we were “good”.  Wedding plans were started for a yr away.  They came back to us 4 mos later with the news that she was pregnant.  Yup….I was HORRIFIED.  Black and white stepmother.  I wasn’t even going to consider her having the child and THEN having a big wedding…simply not done.  Soo, in this conversation I almost immed asked her if they had considered abortion.  The one part I keenly remember was that it wasn’t JUST my view of “what would people think”…but also….that it would simply make their life way too hard just starting out.  In retrospect, I surely wasn’t wrong about the latter….BUT…... they WERE in love, and they WERE engaged…and this WAS their child…...   So, what the heck?  Why would I have brought up abortion….and how insensitive was that?  As I told Mary the story….I felt worse and worse.  Yes, ultimately, we moved up the wedding and all was “fixed”….but still….  I called Deborah the day after my chat with Mary…and extended a 14yr overdue apology.  She was gracious and lovely.  It’s just all the time….these thoughts of…”nothing probably is as it seems…let it go”



        I called our brother last wkend…which I do about twice a year.  It has seemed for the best…that limited frequency. That way we stay in touch but nothing too personal comes up.  I realized after that talk…not only does nothing too personal come up…but we also NEVER laugh together anymore.  It’s simply gone.  That’s pretty sad.



        I doo know that some families manage to overcome tremendous rifts…they rally and get past it.  Certainly other families do not.  Neither you nor I can take baack things we have said to each other….it’s done and overwith and not forgotten.  But perhaps it’s possible to move forward if we look at the timeframe, the context and the painful loss we were experiencing at the time.  I am not sure of any of that but there IS a tiny flicker of hope in my brain... more and more.  …and I feel, periodically, like we have all let Mom & Dad down…terribly….for this is the last thing they would have wanted.   And soo, I am “extending my heart” I guess…to say that I am sad for the part I played in this rift by hurting you.  If the rift is never fixable….that’s okay too….but life is becoming swiftly too short to carry on with this old stuff for another minute…at least for me.  For lack of a better word…it seems dumb for me to entertain any of it for another second.  About a year or so ago I also stopped re-reading OLD emails... .realizing that I would never move forward if I didn't quit that behavior... it just re-opens old wounds big time for me.Well, anyway, thanks for reading and truly hope you are well. 

[beatup]

  I have received the following letter from uBPDsis... .did I mis-diagnose? She is high functioning and there is just a hint of "regret"... .she states that she is sad, aside from that there is no apology nor anything warm. I changed the names... .fyi Mary is my niece, age 17, Deborah is her half sister, Mike is Deborah's hubby and Ricky is their first born. I deleted out a very lengthy paragraph about the trials and tribulations of raising a gay teenager.

We have been vlc for 5 yrs.


Hey Beatup,

    I decided that I am wide awake, in spite of it being 4 in the morning, and that I might as well get up and write to you... for I have been thinking of it for quite some time.  I don’t even have a “plan” for what I want to say so it might come out as a bit of a rambling.  My only hope in writing is that you will at least take the time to read it. Well, I spose I have “two” hopes…. The other is that you will respond…even if it’s only a one liner that says….”not interested at this time.”  At least then I will know that you did, in fact, read so my effort was not totally in vain.  I think if I don’t at least reach out with my thoughts….I might someday wish I had.

      Little things have been piling up in my mind for awhile…like weird little “snippets”….sometimes they are moments in time, sometimes they are smaller revelations... an odd collection of stuff.  I think (but am not at all positive) that they are unfolding because of my age…the years are piling up.  I often wonder if similar snippets pop up in your world…maybe on altogether different topics…but snippets nonetheless.  I am keenly aware of my evolving “change of opinion” on assorted topics... especially where Emily is concerned.  I ponder if I am simply getting TIRED... as in generally WEARY... and maybe it has become simply too hard to sustain such black and white rules on assorted topics and perhaps thaaat is why I am “caving” in so many areas….or maybe better put as “giving in”…or heck…maybe “softening”….and alas….thaaat is what I mean when I say I am not at all positive.  I dealt with her sexuality a long time ago now.  I “accepted” it.  By that I mean…I genuinely don’t care one single diddly.  But the overall “taking in” of all that it entails is MUCH slower…ever-so-gradual….and I do think that process has made me inwardly kinda throw up my hands in a heavy sigh….and just say to myself….”oh whatever”       ….and in so doing (repeatedly as the situations present themselves in her world and mine)…indeed….nothing IS at ALL…black and white anymore.  I just re-read this paragraph and it sounds all muddled already.


        Another recent but VERY profound “moment in time”…...   Mary was asking me questions about Deborah's wedding…and Ricky.  As in….which came “first” and how did that all “go down”.  I forced myself down memory lane and recounted the tale for her…... and subsequently found myself very upset….with myself.  The “tale” was…... Deborah came to us, engaged…ring and all.  We liked Mike pretty well….so we were “good”.  Wedding plans were started for a yr away.  They came back to us 4 mos later with the news that she was pregnant.  Yup….I was HORRIFIED.  Black and white stepmother.  I wasn’t even going to consider her having the child and THEN having a big wedding…simply not done.  Soo, in this conversation I almost immed asked her if they had considered abortion.  The one part I keenly remember was that it wasn’t JUST my view of “what would people think”…but also….that it would simply make their life way too hard just starting out.  In retrospect, I surely wasn’t wrong about the latter….BUT…... they WERE in love, and they WERE engaged…and this WAS their child…...   So, what the heck?  Why would I have brought up abortion….and how insensitive was that?  As I told Mary the story….I felt worse and worse.  Yes, ultimately, we moved up the wedding and all was “fixed”….but still….  I called Deborah the day after my chat with Mary…and extended a 14yr overdue apology.  She was gracious and lovely.  It’s just all the time….these thoughts of…”nothing probably is as it seems…let it go”



        I called our brother last wkend…which I do about twice a year.  It has seemed for the best…that limited frequency. That way we stay in touch but nothing too personal comes up.  I realized after that talk…not only does nothing too personal come up…but we also NEVER laugh together anymore.  It’s simply gone.  That’s pretty sad.



        I doo know that some families manage to overcome tremendous rifts…they rally and get past it.  Certainly other families do not.  Neither you nor I can take baack things we have said to each other….it’s done and overwith and not forgotten.  But perhaps it’s possible to move forward if we look at the timeframe, the context and the painful loss we were experiencing at the time.  I am not sure of any of that but there IS a tiny flicker of hope in my brain... more and more.  …and I feel, periodically, like we have all let Mom & Dad down…terribly….for this is the last thing they would have wanted.   And soo, I am “extending my heart” I guess…to say that I am sad for the part I played in this rift by hurting you.  If the rift is never fixable….that’s okay too….but life is becoming swiftly too short to carry on with this old stuff for another minute…at least for me.  For lack of a better word…it seems dumb for me to entertain any of it for another second.  About a year or so ago I also stopped re-reading OLD emails... .realizing that I would never move forward if I didn't quit that behavior... it just re-opens old wounds big time for me.Well, anyway, thanks for reading and truly hope you are well. 

[rehtorb70]

  I have received the following letter from uBPDsis... .did I mis-diagnose?

I think it's hard to say since pwBPD are often capable of repressing their demons for short periods of time.  More than once I have gotten communications from my (u?)BPDSis which seemed contrite; a few times she has fooled other family members into thinking she is basically normal and the problems we have had are just a matter of two siblings who cannot get along.

But it's always been like Lucy and the football.

[Clearmind]

Beatup, Borderlines have moments of clarity – I guess we need to take the letter as just words until such time as the actions stack up. Its possible she is currently not dysregulated because she talks to past events which are processed. She is attempting to prove herself.

Much of the letter is about others rather than the two of you which I find interesting – I see it as avoidance and possibly not sure how to begin the conversation with you.

So my friend, it’s up to you what you do from here. Do you want a relationship with her, even if it has limits? If you do, you need strong boundaries.

Where to from here? Do you wish to have a relationship? Do you want to respond? – if so what would you say?

If it were me I would want clarity on what she sees as the issue. This is step #1 - because if she doesn't know then she cannot fix it and you sure as heck are not responsible for making her see reason.