Dealing with BPD during the holidays

[Aprilly78]

Hi again,

I'd love to hear how everyone else deals with BPD family members before/during the holidays. I find that every year with my BPD mother, it's always drama. When my stepfather was alive, she was always complaining she didn't want any of my stepfamily to come over because she didn't like them for one silly reason or another. Now that I'm newly married, she is playing the martyr and claiming she doesn't want to come to Thanksgiving if I'm hosting it at my house because she doesn't like my new father-in-law. I am tired of the guilt trips and want to just plan my holidays to be as fun as possible, and let her pout and not come and be miserable if she chooses to be, but I know I'll have to deal with endless repercussions if I do that. I've always wanted fun together family holidays and they've always disappointed and turned out to be stressful and/or painful. I was hoping now that I'm married, I could create new family traditions, but it looks like my mother is out to burst that bubble as well. How does everyone else handle BPDs during holidays and/or other events where the world doesn't revolve around the BPD? Thanks so much.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, Aprilly78 and 

I'm so sorry to hear about how hard it is to deal with your Mom... .my own Mom is not BPD, but my M-I-L is (I believe) undiagnosed BPD, as is my D-I-L. In the past, holidays could be really difficult times navigating the rough waters of their emotions, and sometimes it just frustrated and agitated me to no end! I understand your pain 

I found this site, however, in April of this year (actually because of my adult son who had just be diagnosed with BPD), and since then I've learned so many communication skills, and have gotten a much better understanding how my BPD loved ones' minds work. I've done a major change in how I look at them, listen to them, and communicate with them, and by changing all of those things in myself, they've all changed the way they react to me! I truly believe that the holidays this year will be much easier and happier for me.

Here are some links that have helped me accomplish all of that:

BPD Overview and Documentary - Back From the Edge Video

Video--Validation: Encouraging Peace in a BPD Family

Radical Acceptance for family members

How do we become more empathetic to the pwBPD in our life?

I know there is a lot of information there (and if you want more, just check out all of the links to the right-hand margin of this page!). I actually do recommend that you read those links to the right in a timely manner (Thanksgiving is almost here, and you can change your life by then if you would like to   ). Knowledge is power, and understanding is good for the soul... .I'm so happy you found us, and hope to hear what you think of those links. Please keep posting and asking questions; we're here for you... .

[WiseMind]

Hi Aprilly78 

I get through the holidays now by not spending them with my uBPDmom. Unfortunately, this means I don't spend them with my dad either, but I am coming to terms with it. They usually visit me in January or February and we have a much nicer visit at that time without the pressure and anxiety of the holidays. So now I either spend them with my ILs or just with my husband, and perhaps some friends. It is stress-free and happy.

[Sitara]

I've always wanted fun together family holidays and they've always disappointed and turned out to be stressful and/or painful.

I always felt the same way.  My mom also kept us separated from our extended family, so I used to have fantasies about having giant family get-togethers.  Unfortunately, once my sister and I had kids, my uBPD mom also had ideas about how holidays were going to go, and if they didn't go according to her plan, everyone there was going to pay. 

Like WiseMind, I also had to stop going.  I was at the point where I was having panic attacks just driving to her house, and I would dread the visit for weeks before hand.  I just wasn't healthy anymore.  Not going usually had repercussions too, but dealing with her passive-aggressive comments were easier for me than actually spending time with a bunch of miserable, negative people for a day that I just wanted to enjoy.

Some people have managed with their boundaries, unfortunately that's just not the case for me.  With my mom it's either her way or nothing, so I'm choosing nothing.  Maybe at some point she'll realize she wants more and will be willing to compromise or seek help, but that's pretty unlikely for her.

[Justme1]

I've had similar experiences. Growing up, we celebrated holidays with extended family members, but after a couple holidays that ended up with my uBPDmom laying on the floor, sobbing, those came to an end.

I used to go home for the holidays, but they were always miserable, so I've decided to celebrate them with either just my husband, or go to his parents' home.

In order to avoid feeling depressed at the holidays due to my lack of family being there, I've made a point of celebrating them as much as I can... .even if it's just the two of us. Putting up decorations and going to shows makes this time of year a lot more enjoyable!

[MKG1015]

Hi April

Holidays are the hardest for all of us with BPD parents. My mother is a "score keeper" she keeps a running tally in her head of how long i spend with every other family member and then expects that much of my time x3. Even if she is "ahead" in the score it's never enough. It always becomes about her meltdowns. With that said all I can offer you is this: do NOT let her ruin your holiday! Christmas is my fave time of year and I *allow* her to ruin my holiday every year. However, this past year I decided she was going to get whatever time she got and be happy with it (or not). You have to give yourself permission to enjoy yourself and create the traditions with your husband. I know there are repercussions (there always are) but you need to decide if you can put up with those so that you can have a good holiday. Best of luck to you, hang in there

[h0neybadger]

My mother is a "score keeper" she keeps a running tally in her head of how long i spend with every other family member and then expects that much of my time x3. Even if she is "ahead" in the score it's never enough. It always becomes about her meltdowns.

Holy crap, my mom does the exact same thing! My fiance and I have to coordinate holiday visits so that it's exactly even for each family... .which isn't always super convenient. All of the pressure is on me to "get it right." For my mom, how much time/effort I put into visiting her is directly proportional to how much I love her... .sigh.

It sounds like you are making perfectly reasonable plans, and it is her choice to not come because of your father-in-law... .which is silly, but that's up to her. She is an adult and she can choose to be happy and included in your new family, or she can decide to be miserable and sulk at home alone like a child throwing a tantrum. You need to enforce this boundary, otherwise she'll keep manipulating you to change all the plans to her perfect liking. I feel for you, it's tough though!