Desperation

[ConflictedxAMillion]

I posted the other day ":)evastation & Destruction"

Since then one of my 21BPD's friends called me to tell me she stole $40 out of his wallet.  He can't prove it, but he knows it was her.

The bowling alley called me yesterday also to tell me she was there the night before and they believe she stole 3 money envelopes from the league.  I told them to call the police and file a report and that I was really sorry.

Last night she called me and said her boyfriend's mom said they could move to Texas with her (her and her husband live on a military base - so I don't know how that would ever work - it's not like their minor children).  She said the mother wants them to have a car so they can get around and she wants me to give her old car back to her. 

We had bought her a car when she was 17.  About a year after she stopped paying the insurance on it and when things needed to be fixed I "loaned" her the money - of which she never paid back.  Then when she smashed it, my husband and I took possession of it and spent over $1000 to fix it - it still needs a couple lights installed to be inspected.  But my plan was to sell it to recoup some of our losses on it.

Well she wants me to give it back to her - says she will pay me when she gets to Texas and I said no you've never paid me a dime of anything back.  She said the boyfriend's mother would buy it but not pay that much.  I told her she could go to a car lot and find a cheaper car for the mother to buy.

Then she went into how she just wants to get a way and start a new life and I couldn't help myself.  I couldn't be validating... .and just said that yes I be you do with all the stealing that's been going on.  Of course she denies it all.

But, in the same token.  I feel like if she does go to Texas that it may be the last time I ever see her because my worst fears of her overdosing or getting mixed up with the wrong people and pissing them off and having them seriously hurt and/or kill her could happen.  She's never been far from me and the rest of the family - she's always been too afraid.  I don't feel like it will be a good chioice for her.

She said to me "don't you want to get me off your back" to which I said no.  But that's how she justifies it in her own mind.

I feel she's backed herself into a corner with all the betrayal of friends and places her and I think in her mind she has no choice but go.  But I really worry that her boyfriend will isolate her and play on her fear of being along and she won't be able to handle it.

It's so sad... .so soo soo sad.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[crazedncrazymom]

I am so sorry for all you are going through. It must be so hard to have random people call you and tell you these things.  What are you supposed to do about it?  She's an adult woman.  Why are these people calling her mom to tell on her?

I think you're smart with the car.  It doesn't sound like your dd was responsible.  Sounds like a great boundary with her.  If her MIL wants them to have a car her MIL can give them a car.  Who is this woman to tell you what to do?  When does dd plan on moving?  How do you feel about that?

Don't worry about losing your cool and not being validating all the time. Sometimes people know just the button to push to make you lose it and tell them off.  It happens.  What about making a plan for next time this happens?  OK when I feel my patience slipping I will tell DD I need to get off the phone.  It's those kinds of plans that keep everything from being blown out of proportion.

Welcome to BPD Family and keep posting here. It really helps!

-crazed

[ConflictedxAMillion]

Thanks for responding.

I think people are calling me because they are concerned about her.  Many know of her past stint in drug rehab. So I think they want me to be aware that "something is going on again"

About her moving... .I think she was wants to go as soon as possible to get away from the "heat" here.  I'm imposing no tresspassing warrants for my parents house (that I own) as well as our house.  Those should happen today.  I've got a hearing set up for next Friday for a restraining order against her and the boyfriend for my parents as well as her little sister.

However, my feelings about her moving... .if she does - I have a gut feeling it may be the last time I ever see her again, and that leaves me with an extremely heavy heart.

[Phoenix tears]

I'm sorry for what you're going through.  I'm sorry to tell you I understand all to well about the fears and worry.

I hope it gets better.