I won sole custody. Never going back to court, ever?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I RETAINED SOLE PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITY and residence  grin  It was a battle and he didn't want to give it up, but both barristers wanted to settle in a day and not go in front of the random and unpredictable judge, and they worked hard (argued often in the corridor) to ensure we both walked away with a reasonable deal.

They said that an indication of a good court outcome is both parties feeling less than satisfactory. That generally means it was about right... .mmm

After a build up from 8 hours, to overnight over 6 months, he'll have the kids from after school on Friday until 7pm Sunday alternate weekends.

Alternate Wednesday after school until 7pm.

2 weeks holidays per year from 2015. He can take 2 consecutive weeks at Christmas in alternate years which will drive me batty being without them for that long and fretting about how they are, but I got an amazing deal aside from 14 nights every 2 years. Sigh.

3pm Christmas Eve until 3pm Christmas Day in one year and in the alternate year, 3pm Christmas Day until 3pm day after from 2014.

This year, 9am until 5pm Christmas Day. I offered 8am so he could do presents before breakfast in pjamas but he asked for 10am-6pm. I told him I gave him lunch and breakfast and I needed them home for dinner with my family and he consented to 9-5. I think he wanted to sleep in... .Clearly very ready for parenting.

Phone calls and Skype twice per week, he instigates call to them on my time.

I got the passports signed and can travel overseas with 60 days notice. If he wanted to travel overseas, I need to give permission, or not, depending on what he wants to do and how old the kids are. I hope he doesn't ask me... .There is nothing in the order about him travelling overseas but he could take me back to court.

He agreed to see his treating psychiatrist for a further 6 months and has been told he doesn't need to see him anymore. He's doing so well  wink The quality of the help is only matched by the quality of the information shared.

After 2 years he can seek mediation to extend the alternate weekend visit to include Sunday nights until Monday morning.

And I think that's it. Done in a day so my bill will be less than $10,000 instead of the $20,000 I'd been quoted. Such a blessing! This should be it for me for court. I obviously won't believe it until the kids are over 18 however. I know that his only way to get at me is to bring me to court and he sure does seem to take pleasure from dragging me through unnecessary litigation. He did not get anything more than what we had agreed on in May of this year and it cost us both 10k more for nothing.

I wish I felt something about all of this but I just feel neutral about it all. I had accepted earlier this year that an extension of time was inevitable and I was able to work with the family report writer to negotiate reasonable terms and they have now been ordered.

First extended visit is this Sunday and the kids are really excited about all the cool things they can do with more time. I'm happy for them. I am also anxious that the times won't always be good and I have no control about what or when they will see the other side of their dad. I think I have been lucky to limit the parenting times, before school and putting them to bed the night before school. This should mean that they have plenty of time to play and hang out and have fun and not put extra pressure on BPD/Nxh.

My barrister was floored that BPD/Nxh didn't ask for more time and consented to me keeping sole parental responsibility so easily. Is it possible that BPD/Nxh doesn't think he can do it either? So weird.

I am not looking forward to having extra time without my kids. I love them so much and hate the thought of putting them in an environment that was scary and unpredictable for me as an adult. I hope his girlfriend is around with them and that she'll act if there is ever a need to step in.

[Forward2free]

I RETAINED SOLE PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITY and residence  grin  It was a battle and he didn't want to give it up, but both barristers wanted to settle in a day and not go in front of the random and unpredictable judge, and they worked hard (argued often in the corridor) to ensure we both walked away with a reasonable deal.

They said that an indication of a good court outcome is both parties feeling less than satisfactory. That generally means it was about right... .mmm

After a build up from 8 hours, to overnight over 6 months, he'll have the kids from after school on Friday until 7pm Sunday alternate weekends.

Alternate Wednesday after school until 7pm.

2 weeks holidays per year from 2015. He can take 2 consecutive weeks at Christmas in alternate years which will drive me batty being without them for that long and fretting about how they are, but I got an amazing deal aside from 14 nights every 2 years. Sigh.

3pm Christmas Eve until 3pm Christmas Day in one year and in the alternate year, 3pm Christmas Day until 3pm day after from 2014.

This year, 9am until 5pm Christmas Day. I offered 8am so he could do presents before breakfast in pjamas but he asked for 10am-6pm. I told him I gave him lunch and breakfast and I needed them home for dinner with my family and he consented to 9-5. I think he wanted to sleep in... .Clearly very ready for parenting.

Phone calls and Skype twice per week, he instigates call to them on my time.

I got the passports signed and can travel overseas with 60 days notice. If he wanted to travel overseas, I need to give permission, or not, depending on what he wants to do and how old the kids are. I hope he doesn't ask me... .There is nothing in the order about him travelling overseas but he could take me back to court.

He agreed to see his treating psychiatrist for a further 6 months and has been told he doesn't need to see him anymore. He's doing so well  wink The quality of the help is only matched by the quality of the information shared.

After 2 years he can seek mediation to extend the alternate weekend visit to include Sunday nights until Monday morning.

And I think that's it. Done in a day so my bill will be less than $10,000 instead of the $20,000 I'd been quoted. Such a blessing! This should be it for me for court. I obviously won't believe it until the kids are over 18 however. I know that his only way to get at me is to bring me to court and he sure does seem to take pleasure from dragging me through unnecessary litigation. He did not get anything more than what we had agreed on in May of this year and it cost us both 10k more for nothing.

I wish I felt something about all of this but I just feel neutral about it all. I had accepted earlier this year that an extension of time was inevitable and I was able to work with the family report writer to negotiate reasonable terms and they have now been ordered.

First extended visit is this Sunday and the kids are really excited about all the cool things they can do with more time. I'm happy for them. I am also anxious that the times won't always be good and I have no control about what or when they will see the other side of their dad. I think I have been lucky to limit the parenting times, before school and putting them to bed the night before school. This should mean that they have plenty of time to play and hang out and have fun and not put extra pressure on BPD/Nxh.

My barrister was floored that BPD/Nxh didn't ask for more time and consented to me keeping sole parental responsibility so easily. Is it possible that BPD/Nxh doesn't think he can do it either? So weird.

I am not looking forward to having extra time without my kids. I love them so much and hate the thought of putting them in an environment that was scary and unpredictable for me as an adult. I hope his girlfriend is around with them and that she'll act if there is ever a need to step in.

[david]

"My barrister was floored that BPD/Nxh didn't ask for more time... ."

I was told several years ago that negative engagement is still engagement. Engagement takes many forms. Your ex has lots of money and is focused on engaging you. Taking you to court makes him the center of attention for you. In his mind it has nothing to do with the kids.

[crystal]

Glad its over. And that this is a victory, but be prepared... .My Lawyer told me I would not be done until all my kids were legal adults. SAdly that is true.

[GaGrl]

Glad its over. And that this is a victory, but be prepared... .My Lawyer told me I would not be done until all my kids were legal adults. SAdly that is true.

DH's adult children with The Dark Princess are 33, 35, and 39.  She still calls DH telling him to "make" them do whatever she needs at the moment.  Doesn't go anywhere, but she still tries about twice a year.

[ForeverDad]

I've been separated/divorcing/divorced for over 8 years.  I've been on a first name basis with my lawyer since... .a long time ago.  In that time I went from non-custodial parent to Shared Parenting to custodial parent.  I see the next 6+ years as less of a challenge but still fraught with issues to be on guard about.  The worst is over but vigilance is still needed.

[scraps66]

I remember getting 50/50 custody with little more than hard-nosed negotiation from my L.  No CE, no psych evals, one hearing in front of the Master and it was determined.  I was very neutral with this verdict as this was what I demanded, but also what I felt should be the default decision given my level of involvement in the kids' lives to date.  My neutrality was also tempered byu the fact that I knew there would be no rules, or no adherence to rules.  This has played out.  I'm sure in my uexNPD/BPDw's mind, she may have given in on the custody - she originally proposed a plan that ahd me having no overnights, but it would from that day forward be painful and difficult. It has been, she operates as if she has primary custody and does this willfully. 

So, being very entitled and twisted, your ex will "threaten" you with your own happiness.  He will behave as he wants and then ask, "why can't you just move on, I have," something to this effect. 

At some point I'm betting you will need to go back to court.  Your ex will fabricate ways of engaging you, mostly negatively.  The tricks my ex uses to engage - willfully schedule kids activities that I cannot support, commit tax fraud by claiming both children on tax returns, willfully withhold income information on an annual basis with every job change, the petty - return the kids' lunch boxes back to me with week old, moldy fruit to show that they don't eat the lunches I make for them, withhold the ice packs that I need to make their lunches, ex insists on allowing them to buy, I have to ask for these things on a nearly daily basis, it's immature.

How to controla ll of this, not sure.  I know growing a thick skin is necessary.  But I don't give her the benefit of the doub t about anything.  I feel everything she does is calculated and I come off as paranoid at times.  My gf tells me on a regular basis, "you two have to get ont he same page aobut the kids," easier said than done. 

[Forward2free]

"My barrister was floored that BPD/Nxh didn't ask for more time... ."

I was told several years ago that negative engagement is still engagement. Engagement takes many forms. Your ex has lots of money and is focused on engaging you. Taking you to court makes him the center of attention for you. In his mind it has nothing to do with the kids.

I think you have summed it up! I sent him an email on Friday giving him option A or B for makeup time due to clashes with kids events and I'm trying to give him his time with the kids, as uninterrupted as possible. He told me yesterday at the exchange that he has forwarded it to his lawyer.

I have instructed my lawyer not to act on my behalf any longer. The email was giving him his ordered time and being accommodating of him and setting out the schedule for the rest of the year, for HIM, but he wants to involve his lawyer    I will not let him drag the legalities out. I will happily deal with his lawyer but not use mine.

[Forward2free]

Glad its over. And that this is a victory, but be prepared... .My Lawyer told me I would not be done until all my kids were legal adults. SAdly that is true.

I guess this is just the next step, maybe it will never really be over afterall

[Forward2free]

Glad its over. And that this is a victory, but be prepared... .My Lawyer told me I would not be done until all my kids were legal adults. SAdly that is true.

DH's adult children with The Dark Princess are 33, 35, and 39.  She still calls DH telling him to "make" them do whatever she needs at the moment.  Doesn't go anywhere, but she still tries about twice a year.

It's sickening that to them, we're all just pawns in "their" game. I was hopeful that his direct involvement might be limited until the kids were 18... .

[Forward2free]

I've been separated/divorcing/divorced for over 8 years.  I've been on a first name basis with my lawyer since... .a long time ago.  In that time I went from non-custodial parent to Shared Parenting to custodial parent.  I see the next 6+ years as less of a challenge but still fraught with issues to be on guard about.  The worst is over but vigilance is still needed.

You're right FD. I was almost relaxed enough to not write up the journal note to say that he missed calling the kids on Friday night as per the new orders, and that he turned up to the visit an hour early and messaged me to ask (demand) why.

I rang him and said "BPD/Nxh, visit starts at 11am" and went silent.  After about 5 (L-O-N-G) seconds, he replied that he got the orders mixed up and would see me at 11am. I confirmed and hung up, and confirmed in a quick text message what I discussed and he messaged back to say that he apologised.

I need to keep vigilant as you said. It's easy to think it's all done and over now, but chances are this is just the next chapter.

[Forward2free]

I remember getting 50/50 custody with little more than hard-nosed negotiation from my L.  No CE, no psych evals, one hearing in front of the Master and it was determined.  I was very neutral with this verdict as this was what I demanded, but also what I felt should be the default decision given my level of involvement in the kids' lives to date.  My neutrality was also tempered byu the fact that I knew there would be no rules, or no adherence to rules.  This has played out.  I'm sure in my uexNPD/BPDw's mind, she may have given in on the custody - she originally proposed a plan that ahd me having no overnights, but it would from that day forward be painful and difficult. It has been, she operates as if she has primary custody and does this willfully. 

So, being very entitled and twisted, your ex will "threaten" you with your own happiness.  He will behave as he wants and then ask, "why can't you just move on, I have," something to this effect. 

Actually Scrap, I have heard this almost word for word and your note reminded me (full with shivers). I got "I've moved on, isn't it about time you put the past in the past and moved on too."

At some point I'm betting you will need to go back to court.  Your ex will fabricate ways of engaging you, mostly negatively.  The tricks my ex uses to engage - willfully schedule kids activities that I cannot support, commit tax fraud by claiming both children on tax returns, willfully withhold income information on an annual basis with every job change, the petty - return the kids' lunch boxes back to me with week old, moldy fruit to show that they don't eat the lunches I make for them, withhold the ice packs that I need to make their lunches, ex insists on allowing them to buy, I have to ask for these things on a nearly daily basis, it's immature.

How to controla ll of this, not sure.  I know growing a thick skin is necessary.  But I don't give her the benefit of the doub t about anything.  I feel everything she does is calculated and I come off as paranoid at times.  My gf tells me on a regular basis, "you two have to get ont he same page aobut the kids," easier said than done. 

It's clear that he doesn't respect my "sole parental responsibility" and has tried to challenge the new schedule, based on the court orders. My barrister told me that I get to call the shots, ie. 'We can't do XX date so please advise your availability for a makeup session on A or B'. She suggested that if he didn't choose, he misses out. From her side of the fence, I can see that it would work, but on my side, in the face of my past, it's hard to be assertive and I need to step up.

So frustrating that they don't seem to ever grow up and be a parent. I hold out hope (which kept me in my marriage for way longer than I should have) that things will change one day and we'll all sit back together one day and water will be under the bridge... .and the pigs will take off and fly past the window.

[Forward2free]

I have been ruminating wildly since I got a statement last night of my legal expenses and it's $275 in credit after my bill miraculously 'almost' equaled what was in trust. They also asked for a further $1,000 so they could continue representing me. Um, no.

Unfortunately, I calculated my legal bills since January 2013 and it is A$52,925  :'(

I have felt so terribly sad over night and could barely sleep.

I have to remind myself that this was necessary to have any hope of giving the kids the very best start in life and to be able to control their environment and view of the world and make normal seem normal and not the exception. I NEED to feel like they couldn't have had this without me spending A$150,000 in legal expenses in 4 years, way more than what I had estimated.

I feel physically sick.

I want to ring the law firm and call them out for taking advantage of struggling single mothers with violent abusive ex husbands and scream out at the legal system that allows controlling pwBPD and pwNPD to use the court system to further control and humiliate us.

I want to get really angry at BPD/Nxh ... .this is HIS fault and I shouldn't be here doing this. I shouldn't be forgoing health and wellbeing of myself to feed my kids and I shouldn't have to work so hard to pay off legal debts and struggle to meet mortgage payments.

IT ISN'T FAIR!

[david]

I agree it isn't fair. I just topped $80,000. However, our two boys are doing much better than I ever imagined they would back in 2007. If I had to do it over again I think I may have been able to spend a little less but not too much less. And yes I would do it over again for them.

[livednlearned]

I feel the way you do, F2F.

The expense makes me so angry. Depending on how I calculate it, I'm close to $90k. I have to go back to court in December to get the $5K in legal fees from him. And I have to pay a lawyer to take him back to court to pay it.  Then I'll have to go back again to get him to pay the $2K he owes for the hearing we had about the house refi. When he pays me back, I'll have to pay the lawyer for what it cost to get him to pay.

I try to look at it like an investment in S12's future, just not the one I planned to make.

Still, I'm feeling pretty angry about it all.

[scraps66]

The really unfortunate stories are the ones where nons spend this much and don't get the pleasure of freedome with thier kids, or any level of control.  I will likley crest $40k this year in total, and I don't feel that I have gotten anything close to that much in satisfaction or freedom, control, etc.  In fact, I don't think I've felt any level of satisfaction with the whole process.  It's just bad, really bad to have to spend all this money and get little in return.  It continues, and nothing changes, the system is just plain broken.  But feeds itself.

[crystal]

I stopped countng long ago. Between Lawyer fees, teh extras I gave him to "just be done with it" and all teh money he hasnt paid if I kept track I would be way too angry! 

I keep my focus on the good that has come from it. I am free. I am independent. My kids are healthy and free of him.  I am lucky enough that I can support them myself.

That said, everytime I get a lawyer bill, I DO get angry! and the fact that I am back in court makes me angry! 

[DontPanic]

The reality is for me that I will never have another custody battle again as my ex passed away in may of this year. But when i was going through what you are all going through it was hard. People in the outside world have no idea how hard it is to deal with someone with BPD.

The saddest part is that her passing away was not what I wanted. I wanted her to get real and get help and my kids... besides the fact that they didnt cry at the funeral, one is angry and the other seems to have moved on.

My hopes and prayers are with you all.