My adult daughter was only diagnosed this year

[Baldy21]

My adult daughter was only diagnosed this year after suffering a bout of  major depression .  She lives with me after her relationship broke up.

My main problem is getting her to put  her clothes away .   She takes off on weekends to stay with her latest beau and drags stuff out of the cupboards to pack and leaves it all over the floor.  She says she is too busy to put it away during the week and won't take the time to organise her clothes into various categories.  She  has far too many clothes as she can't resist acquiring.  I am trying to get her to be tidy as no man could possibly live with such a mess! Any suggestions or am I wasting my time?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, Baldy21 & 

I know what you mean; my adult son (36) was just recently diagnosed with BPD also, and one of his behaviors that drives me crazy is that he can't seem to find the right places for his clothes. They are in piles and clothes baskets all over his room, and not organized in any logical way that I can see. Maybe 2 or 3 times/year he will get a burst of energy and discard for the Goodwill the things he won't wear anymore, and his room will be spotless and his clothes will be organized, but it never lasts very long. He cares for a little while, then as things get more and more disorganized, he cares less and less (or, rather, he becomes more and more overwhelmed by the mess and then just mentally checks out about it).

I used to get remarkably stressed out over all of this. I'd take it personally that he wasn't keeping his room up to my standards (after all, it's my house!), I'd harp on him and harp on him and we'd argue about it and there would be many a slammed bedroom door. I would really get upset, and angry, and our relationship would suffer horribly. I felt that I needed to draw a line on the picked-up room issue, and when it was crossed I would think he was obstinate, messy, belligerent, lazy, and disrespectful.

I don't think that way anymore.

My son was only diagnosed with BPD in March/April 2013 at a Dual Diagnosis Center where he spent an intensive 21 days as an Inpatient. With his discharge papers, I was given a printout about BPD, and this website's address was on that printout. I learned something right away when I started reading here: Radical Acceptance for family members.

And everything changed for me.

My son has survived ADD, depression, anxiety, suicidal ideations, an almost 2 year heroin addiction, and now BPD. He did remarkably well at the Dual Diagnosis Center, and is now more than 8 months clean and sober, and going through therapy and not suicidal or depressed anymore, and he is in the recovery process for the BPD. I still feel "icky" when I see the mess in his room, but I radically accept that he is not organized or neat. And I've learned to live with it   

How old is your daughter? Does she have any other diagnoses (besides the BPD & Depression)? Other than the messes she makes, what other behaviors does she exhibit? How do the 2 of you get along? Is she getting any therapy? We have a message board for Parenting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board, and there are many LESSONS that can help you understand how your daughter's mind works, and teach you how to deal with her better. I invite you to check that Board out, click on the Links to the right-hand side of the margin over there, and post your questions... .It really will help 

[Baldy21]

Thanks for the tips Rapt Reader.  It's reassuring to know that someone else has the same problem.  Have started reading through the material you suggest.  My daughter is 30 and not currently in therapy as she can't afford it.  She has also been diagnosed as obsessive comulsive and has suffered from anxiety and depression for a long time.  She has also  been found to be low in a number of vitamins and minerals and is currently taking supplements and trying to improve her diet.  She is also a hoarder and can't bear to part with stuff!

It will take me a while to get through all this material but I can see I am about to get  better informed and hopefully less stressed about the clothes mess.

[Rapt Reader]

It will take me a while to get through all this material but I can see I am about to get  better informed and hopefully less stressed about the clothes mess.

Yes, it will take a while, and yes, you will become better informed and hopefully less stressed out 

You will find that there are many of us parents on this site who have learned to radically accept that there are certain things that we would expect of our non-BPD kids, but need to overlook with our BPD kids. And it's OK. We don't need the stress of expecting more than they can accomplish, and learning to appreciate the tiny little changes they make in a positive direction is a real help in having a better life. You will get there... .You are open-minded and willing to read and learn.

You've jumped the first hurdle to living a happier life... .Congratulations! 

[lbjnltx]

Hello Baldy21,

Just wanted to pop in and say hello and tell you that I am glad that you are here.

One of the techniques I use on MYSELF when I am frustrated by my daughter's behaviors is to remember to:

Keep my eye on the ultimate goal... .a good relationship with her.

This helps me prioritize where a messy room is on the scale of importance and whether or not  a confrontation about it would help meet my ultimate goal.

I understand the frustrations you have as I believe having structure and organization would relieve some of the stress you both feel.  It is up to her to want that organization.  You could make a general non judgmental statement and ask her if she is interested in working on it.  Something like:

I noticed lots of clothing on your bedroom floor.  Do you have enough space for all your things or need some storage solutions?  Let me know ok?

Hope you can get some relief from the stress.

lbjnltx

[qcarolr]

Hi Baldy21,

Hmmm. Wonder if 'collecting' is a part of being emotionally disregulated? I see this with my DD21 and some of her dysfunctional friends that have spent time with us. She had one friend that was on the opposite extreme - he actually helped keep her on track. At least until things fell apart in their relationship.

I see this also in my gd8, who lives with us. And as my energy gets drained, I have often given up on working to try and help others in my family learn to put stuff away, or get rid of what doesn't 'have a home' on a shelf somewhere.

My DD27 got into 'dumpster diving' while living homeless. She brought so much stuff into our home, washed it up, gave me some, gd some, gave some to donation centers... .I cannot even walk into her room, and have put the clothing into big tubs that spilled out into the family room. that is 5 tubs, 128 gallons each.

Maybe this is some form of self comfort for our kids? A way of having control in the beginning, then it gets overwhelming. I am working with my gd to let go of some of her collections. At least the little boxes of shiny candy and gum wrappers. It is one of her therapy goals - to allow me to help her organize and give away. If it is broken beyond repair - thrown away.

I might look into research behind hoarding behaviors.

qcr